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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband keeps blaming me for his mood swings and I am tired of it..

26 replies

sarahkelly932 · 20/03/2024 14:23

Husband has always been ratty in the mornings I put it down to his daily weed habit that he wakes up feeling crap all the time and probably with no dopamine. I often wait for him to leave the house before I get out of bed because the presence of him is just horrible and its very easy for him to blame me for doing the smallest thing that has made him irritable and 'ruined his morning'. I feel so stuck that I cannot talk to the person I love every morning and if I say the wrong thing it is 'my fault' and 'I ruined a great mood' which is BS. I am trying to take the new approach that everyone is responsible for how they act, and they are in control of there own emotions/triggers - you can't always blame someone else.

Example (i am away with work at the moment)
ME: call me when you leave for work!
Him: Okay!
(1hour passes) ME: wasn't you leaving like an hour ago hahahah did you get back into bed hahah!
Him: Okay - keep your comments to yourself
Me: I only asked if you got into bed again haha
Him: Stop making comments its pretty simple
Me: Stop making an issue out of everything I say
Him: When you control your mouth and comments I will pretty simple

after this conversation I just come away feeling stupid and that I am not allowed to say anything that is on my mind. I feel confused and blame myself for now purposely starting an argument which I did not intentionally do.... I start to question my own judgement of how I act, that I am a problem? this happens daily. I truly didn't think making a joke about getting back in bed would deserve that reaction or would irritate someone that much. Now we are sat here not talking and he is probably getting on with his day thinking I started an argument and he has no part to play, and I am sitting here stressed and worried that I said the wrong things again, and am I to blame?

Funny thing is he can be as mean/sarcastic and negative as he wants but if I call him out on it 'i have taken it the wrong way' or I am 'crazy or sensitive' - shall I start just doing this back? If he says I have made him irritable just say its in his own head and its his problem? That is not in my nature but...

How can I make him see that he cannot keep blaming me for EVERY mood he is in - when I say that he only treats me this way he replies 'well no one else puts me in this mood'. I feel like hitting my head against a wall.. I have started trying to mirror his behaviour and make out he is causing a problem (like he does to me) like I did above, but again he just throws it back to me and says its what I said, but if he is mean and I say he is causing an issue he says its in my head - it is not in my nature but do I start calling him emotional too?!

OP posts:
YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty · 20/03/2024 14:25

The weed habit is a red herring there. That's not withdrawal. It's pure moodiness.

Are you sure you want to stay with him?

Original poster
sarahkelly932 · 20/03/2024 14:25

EDIT or if i tell him that I don't like the way he speaks to me he replies either "Okay!" (stonewalls) or "Sorry you took it that way" ....

OP posts:
Jamiedodgers · 20/03/2024 14:27

Honestly it sounds like he doesn’t like you anymore, blaming every little issue on you.

citrinetrilogy · 20/03/2024 14:28

Write a list of all the negatives this man brings into your life.

Now write a list of all the ways your life would be nicer without him in it.

Topseyt123 · 20/03/2024 14:30

Why are you with him? It doesn't sound like he even likes you, let alone loves you or respects you.

To be honest, a weed habit would already have been a deal breaker for me. I'd have been long gone.

Original poster
sarahkelly932 · 20/03/2024 14:31

Topseyt123 · 20/03/2024 14:30

Why are you with him? It doesn't sound like he even likes you, let alone loves you or respects you.

To be honest, a weed habit would already have been a deal breaker for me. I'd have been long gone.

@Topseyt123 I have said this to him too; that it sounds like he doesn't even like me, and long and behold he says 'do you hear yourself?! I don't even like you now?"

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2024 14:52

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Why are you with him?. What is in this relationship still for you?. Think about this. Is this man all you think you deserve in a relationship?. If you have children they are and will be affected by all this abuse going on in their home too.

Moodiness is an example of emotional abuse and for this alone your relationship with him should be over. He is responsible for his moods too, not you. He is not above using DARVO on you either. DARVO is an acronym for deny, attack and reverse victim and offender.

He does this also because he can and you will never ever get him to admit he is at fault here, not you. He blames you because its easier for him to do so, such entitled and abusive men never admit fault.

jeaux90 · 20/03/2024 14:53

I would not be putting up with that shit. Honestly you deserve better.

frozendaisy · 20/03/2024 15:05

God this sounds tedious.

I just wouldn't be in the same house as this for any longer than I had to.

You are not responsible for his bad moods and he isn't responsible for you putting up with this.

This is him.
Up to you if you stay.

Topseyt123 · 20/03/2024 15:05

sarahkelly932 · 20/03/2024 14:31

@Topseyt123 I have said this to him too; that it sounds like he doesn't even like me, and long and behold he says 'do you hear yourself?! I don't even like you now?"

Show quote history

So I think you have your answer really. There is nothing in the relationship for you and you need to dump his sorry arse.

Do you have family or friends who could help you out?

SilentlyCorrectingYourSpelling · 20/03/2024 15:12

"Him: When you control your mouth and comments I will pretty simple"

Yeah he's an arsehole.

Janetsmug · 20/03/2024 15:13

This is meant kindly OP but honestly, what is the point? A partner is supposed to add good things to your life, not this shit where it doesn't even feel like he likes you. You could be with someone who wakes up happy to see you every day, who doesn't put you down and jump on every word you say, who doesn't take everything as a criticism or berate you for being 'sensitive' every time you mention having feelings of your own. We get one life, don't waste yours on someone who makes you feel bad Flowers

MsMarch · 20/03/2024 15:15

He sounds like a dick.

On this one issue though, be completely honest, when you said, "did you go back to bed "was there a small part of you that was irritated? either because he hadn't called you? or because he'd probably gone back to bed? I ask because sometimes this can be me in that I'm a bit annoyed with DH so will make a slightly passive aggressive "joke" instead which really isn't a good idea (of course, the fact that I can't express my irritation also irritates me so that's another thing but in our case, it's very occasional and not a constant, relentless situation).

Having said all that, no one should have to walk on eggshells every single bloody day so I go back to my original comment - he sounds like a dick.

Mmhmmn · 20/03/2024 15:24

It's emotional abuse OP.

I am trying to take the new approach that everyone is responsible for how they act, and they are in control of there own emotions/triggers - you can't always blame someone else.

This is exactly correct. He is responsible for his behaviour - he is choosing to speak to you in a shitty way on a regular basis. He is choosing that. He knows what he is doing.

Funny thing is he can be as mean/sarcastic and negative as he wants but if I call him out on it 'i have taken it the wrong way' or I am 'crazy or sensitive'

Shall I start just doing this back?
No - he's emotionally abusing you. Just end the relationship. If he wants to know why, tell him it's because he's an arsehole.

Opentooffers · 20/03/2024 15:39

Why do you want him to call you when he leaves for work? Does he have a long drive that means he has time to chat while commuting?
"hahahah did you get back into bed hahah!" - clearly taking the piss with a person you already know has no sense of humour in the morning. You could of just asked him if he's up and out yet, but I don't quite know that it's necessary, it sounds like you need to know and manage his movements while you are away for some reason, is there a backstory?

Original poster
sarahkelly932 · 20/03/2024 15:46

Opentooffers · 20/03/2024 15:39

Why do you want him to call you when he leaves for work? Does he have a long drive that means he has time to chat while commuting?
"hahahah did you get back into bed hahah!" - clearly taking the piss with a person you already know has no sense of humour in the morning. You could of just asked him if he's up and out yet, but I don't quite know that it's necessary, it sounds like you need to know and manage his movements while you are away for some reason, is there a backstory?

@Opentooffers Even if I asked are you up and out yet I would of been making a comment that he didn't like.. trust me.

OP posts:
DeedlessIndeed · 20/03/2024 15:47

I was in a relationship like this when I was in my very early 20s. (He was also a regular weed smoker). We didn't live together, but it was long distance and I stayed over at his most weekends.

It sounds too flippant to say that I could never "win". But I mean that I always had to be in the wrong in some way. Anything lovely I did for him there was always a hole picked in it that he'd mention, but magnanimously tolerate whilst reminding me multiple times about it. Anything that didn't go 100% his way was my fault somehow, and if it wasn't I didn't react correctly.

When he was nice, it was great. When he wasn't in a good mood I used to cringe from the awful tension in the air. A whole day / afternoon / weekend could be destroyed.

I started sticking up for myself, but things escalated. If I got upset he'd call me weak or that he was fed up that I couldn't handle a conversation.

Our last day together, we went out to get sandwiches from a deli I had been really excited to try. We got home and he wanted me to sit on the sofa with him to eat the sandwich. I said I'm going have this at the dining table (which was in the same room) because the fillings were spilling out everywhere. Completely banal non-situation. He then started to call me a bitch under his breath. How I was stuck up and a fucking cow. Over a bloody sandwich. It was like a switch went off. I realised it wasn't anything I was doing specifically. It would be anything that I did.

I got up. Gathered an armful of my things as quickly as I could, walked out, got in my car and locked the doors. He tried to stop me from leaving, before carrying on calling me names. I drove off and I never looked back. I left half of my belongings there but I couldn't care less.

I have no doubt that if I had stayed my life would be miserable. If I'm honest, I think it would have turned out a bit like your situation.

I really want to let you know that things can be so much better. I had told myself that I had deserved to be treated like this due to a couple of things I had done in my teenage years. No one deserves to be treated like you are being treated. Leave. Being single is better if that's what you want. If you want to be in a relationship you can, and with a lovely person who treats you well.

VillageOnSmile · 20/03/2024 17:10

@Opentooffers when I read the OP I knew someone would come with a comment like yours.
And I think it’s shit.

People have their own communication style in their relationship. Some include some banter, a bit of a joke etc… wo anyone finding it’s an attack/sarcastic or PA.
For me, when one of the partner decides to suddenly change the style of communication and get offended, then, imo, it’s on them. This is even more the case when that person themselves carries on the same and does the joke/banter etc… but then expects their DP to not see it as an attack/PA etc…

IF the way they’ve always communicated never involved little ‘ribs’ like this then you’d have a point. But I doubt they would have got married in the first place. Nor would it be only a morning issue.

Treeinthesky · 20/03/2024 17:18

Tbh love. He has adhd guessing with the weed and dopamine comment. My bf is mardy in the morning but I just give him half an hour

MonsteraMama · 20/03/2024 17:18

You don't have to put up with being spoken to like that you know. It's not normal.

Relationships are supposed to be a net positive influence on your life. What does this person bring you except making you feel bad, stupid and silenced?

No one deserves that.

Treeinthesky · 20/03/2024 17:19

He feels you are trying to control him when you ask him if he's up. Thing is if you didn't then he wouldn't get up. Rock and a hard plate

WoodBurningStov · 20/03/2024 17:41

Just stop texting him in the mornings. Sounds like you're in a hiding to nothing so just drop the rope.

Tbh I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who spoke to me that way. He can't have any love or respect for you if he talks to you like that. My dh would never, and has never, in the 10 years we've been married, talked to me like that .

Ellie56 · 20/03/2024 17:46

Life is too short to put up with this shit.

Just dump him. Your life will be so much better without this twat in it.

jannier · 20/03/2024 17:47

Just end it.
Weed does effect your brain especially the strength you get nowadays ....why would you want to live with that habit let alone the moody nasty attitude ...
But I don't get why he has to report to you about leaving home for work that's odd.

Icloud54 · 20/03/2024 17:53

Emotional abuse, Google it and then make plans to leave