Emotional affair?

[Handmaid2019]

Just need some advice. I’m at the stage where I just don’t trust my own judgement anymore.

Been with my partner for 10 years, the first 9 years were great, then I got pregnant, became very ill with hyperemesis gravadium, which took its toll on my mental health. I had the baby in March last year and I immediately felt better physically and mentally.

My partner struggled with the change of having a baby, he struggled deeply and never told me he felt that way. He became close friends with a colleague, she’s 10 years younger than him and very attractive. I didn’t like the fact they were close, I just always had a bad feeling. But he insisted they were just friends. Our relationship hasn’t been great for the past few months, he finally admitted to me how low he is feeling, I’ve really supported him and tried to encourage him to go to the doctors, as he needs some help. He won’t go though.

So I found out yesterday that he’s gotten very close to this work colleague and they have feelings for each other, he’s put a stop to anything happening because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I’m sure there’s more to it, I’m just heartbroken. I stupidly thought he’d never do anything like that to me. He says he loves me and he’s only just realised how much he loves me, he’s sorry and has told her they need to stop the friendship. But he works with her every day.

I’ve had a feeling stuff was happening and he’s made me feel like I’m mad and even called me a psycho! But I was right. I love him and want it to work but I feel like I’ve lost my self respect. He obviously has none for me.

Sorry it’s so long! Thanks for reading.
🙁

Sorry to hear this op. I’ve been there. I would seriously think about what you want and I doubt it’s only been emotional sorry but likely to be a full blown affair. The gaslighting and saying you’re a psycho is a huge red flag. 🚩

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's a gut wrenching betrayal.

If he genuinely wants this to work, then in my opinion he needs to:

Undergo individual counselling.
Undergo marriage counselling.
Find a new job.

If he's not willing to do all of this then he isn't willing to make the effort needed. Your relationship has no chance whatsoever if he continues to work with her. Trust me on this.

In the meantime, really think about what you want. Are you staying because you feel trapped (baby etc) or because you genuinely believe the two of you can get through this? Have a look at what options there are available to you in terms of finances, housing etc. Start making plans even if ultimately you don't think you will make the choice to leave.

So I found out yesterday that he’s gotten very close to this work colleague and they have feelings for each other
how did you find out OP?

I think you should assume there is more to it unless he can prove otherwise.

If he's had to 'put a stop to something else happening' then they aren't just friends and never will be unfortunately, there is obviously a mutual attraction and you would always have the threat of that hanging over you. If he's gaslighted you in the past over it, the trust is already gone.

If YOU want to carry on the relationship then he needs to leave his job and never speak to her again at the very minimum, but I'd take a while to think of everything before you commit to a way forward, even if he agrees to that he may end up resenting/blaming you for it, and if you give your blessing for him to continue working with her, he'll no doubt push it to the next stage next time you have a rocky patch.

You may find it's a lose lose situation OP, but the most important thing is trust, if you can't trust him the relationship is already dead in the water.

What stands out to me is that he said he didn't want to ruin the friendship, so he stopped anything happening. What about your relationship? Shouldn't he have been more concerned with that?

I'm sorry you're going through this. If you don't want to end it, I'd suggest couples counselling (yes read he wasn't up for counselling for himself) or he has to give you complete disclosure and end his friendship with her. It does have to be that black and white.

Unfortunately, now this has happened, you're always going to be suspicious, and that doesn't ever fully go away. Personally, I wouldn't be able to live a life full of that type of anxiety.

@ZekeZeke i was getting ready yesterday morning. The baby was watching the iPad, he touched the screen and the messenger app came up. Saw a message to someone I didn't know, she's this girls friend. Said it's a shame nothing happened between you and Sasha. Then he replied with the whole best friends thing. No mention of me at all.

You poor thing.
An emotional affair/attraction doesn't necessarily mean anything physical happened.
I know in a lot of cases it does, but not always.
He needs to leave the job, 100%.
Counselling on your own and as a married couple-that us if you both don't want your marriage to end.

“We have feelings for each other but nothing has happened” means that he has shagged her. V sorry

I was so upset yesterday that I fucking slept with him. I honestly hate myself

That's not an unusual response. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Have you got anyone you can talk to in real life?

Don’t beat yourself up this isn’t your fault it’s all his. If you’ve just discovered this yesterday then youll be on an emotional rollercoaster. Be kind to yourself. Don’t tell him how you’re feeling, share on here or with a friend. Make him panic he’s going to lose you. I also was shocked when you said it didn’t go further because of their ‘friendship’ what a load of horse shit, what about your bloody relationship. It’s cards on the table time….he leaves that job and cuts ties with her or you ask him to leave and he loses you. His decision will tell you all you need to know. If he’s going to leave then you get to kick him out….he doesn’t get to bloody choose. And how dare he call you insane. You knew…womens instinct is almost always right. Don’t let him string you along or lie to you any longer. You take control now.

I sincerely hope this friend didn’t know he was in a long term relationship with you! What an absolute arsehole! Would they like randoms matchmaking with their partners and work colleagues? Twat.

The fact he put a stop to it to not ruin the friendship rather than because of his relationship with you speaks volumes.

Are you in a position to leave him? As long as he is working with this woman, you will always be suspicious.

It’s so shit that these men change as soon as their OH has carried and delivered THEIR child. I can empathise with the utter hell of HG. The work colleague deserves a cold hard slap for getting involved with a man who’s just become a father - vulnerable position tho that’s no excuse for him. Having kids does change your life and your relationship - at least in the early years and is a massive commitment, which goes without saying.

I hope you have loads of support IRL OP.

We’re here for you in the meantime x

Do These men actually have a script that is issued to them?! They’re all the fucking same. Jesus but it makes me angry.

OK so best case scenario, he got too close to this collegue, realised what was happening and put a stop to anything. I take that to mean there was flirting, everything got a bit close to the line and he came to his senses and thought wtf am I doing and backed off.

However, the fact he says to the friend about ruining the friendship is not great. I mean, surely the response would of been along the lines of I am in a commited relationship and didn't realise things were getting a bit too friendly.
But he didn't say that, he said he didn't want to ruin the friendship.
So I think its more likely there was some sort of incident - maybe a kiss, or something intimate (not necessarily full sex) and thats when he realised that he would either lose you or lose this womans friendship.

Only possible way out is he changes jobs and has nothing more to do with her.
feelings were there. He needs to completelky remove himself from this womans life. And tell you the entire truth (though we all know men rarely do this unless its presented to them first in either video, picture or written form).

So sorry. What a prick. I really hope it was just an small overstep, he enjoyed the ego massaging and he came to his senses and absolutely nothing happened.

Beware of any lies he may tell you, that he's changing job, never seeing her again, or she's left the job, but in fact she's still working there. Or that he never sees her in the department, but is really seeing her every day. Even if he does leave the job, sorry , but he will still be thinking about her constantly. And telling you he loves you. He's another lying bastard.

The fact that her friend is messaging him saying its a shame nothing happened between them implies that he is firmly part of their friendship group and at least one other person is aware of their relationship and the potential it had to go further. Giving the friend the benefit of the doubt and that she's not completely heartless and doesn't care that he would be having an affair - I do wonder if he has made it common knowledge (at least with them) that his relationship with you is or was over. It just rings alarm bells for me that she felt comfortable to send him that message and implies there are potentially far more lies he has told than he has admitted to you.

Thanks all for your replies, I've been reading each one and agree with you all.

There's so much to this, with the friend messaging and the shame nothing happened! What the fuck am I and his baby? He's honestly embarrassing, acting like a single guy in his 20s.

Baby had his one year jabs today; he's so poorly this evening, temp 39.5! Poor little love.

I feel for you OP, he’s a selfish pig.

Have you asked him why he’s doing this and how he thinks it makes you feel, after a very difficult pregnancy and the emotional, physical and mental stresses of being a new mother? Does he care about you and his baby at all? What exactly does he want to happen?

Hope baby’s feeling much better and you notice managed to get some sleep!

So now that he’s been rumbled, he suddenly realizes how much he loves you. Hmm…

@Handmaid2019, after all you endured to bring his sweet baby into the world, he now claims that the changes were too much, so he gave himself permission to lie, cheat, and gaslight you. He had no choice but to lap up very attractive OW’s attention and eat cake with her, while rejecting every ethical option he could have used to deal with his alleged issues.

He knew exactly what he was doing, as he had an agenda to keep you at bay by employing the cliche ‘psycho’ accusation. You were caring for his newborn and ALL that entails, but he didn’t care that you were unsettled. His priority was leading a double bachelor life and expressing mutual feelings with OW. This was known to her friends, who apparently had expectations.

You don’t know the full story. The liar is still lying. Did his infidelity actually begin during your pregnancy? I agree with @Bookworm20 that there has likely been an escalation of some sort, probably physical. That he is pulling back to protect their relationship must be gutting.

Any reputable relationship counselor would strongly advise NC with his affair partner. You cannot move forward in recovery until he comes totally clean, cuts contact, and changes jobs. He also must provide full transparency with devices and statements, and dig deep (preferably in IC) to examine his massive selfishness, weak boundaries, and entitlement to pursue illicit thrills and validation.

He really let you down when you and the baby needed him the most. I would chuck him out as a sharp consequence and to give you time and space to process and clarify your thoughts. Be very careful. In my view he is still in thrall to OW and is not at all trustworthy.

Keep posting for support, @Handmaid2019.

Amazing post @MsDogLady

I agree @Didsomeonesaydogs. I wish @MsDogLady was my mum haha.
OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you 💐

Why is it that so many men have a ‘close friendship’ with a woman at work, usually loads younger and attractive, when they have plenty of male colleagues and female colleagues closer to their age or older? What do these younger attractive women have to form such a loose bond that bob in accounts doesn’t have? Hmm

Sorry OP- I think you deserve better - big hug x