Emotional affair?

[Handmaid2019]

Just need some advice. I’m at the stage where I just don’t trust my own judgement anymore.

Been with my partner for 10 years, the first 9 years were great, then I got pregnant, became very ill with hyperemesis gravadium, which took its toll on my mental health. I had the baby in March last year and I immediately felt better physically and mentally.

My partner struggled with the change of having a baby, he struggled deeply and never told me he felt that way. He became close friends with a colleague, she’s 10 years younger than him and very attractive. I didn’t like the fact they were close, I just always had a bad feeling. But he insisted they were just friends. Our relationship hasn’t been great for the past few months, he finally admitted to me how low he is feeling, I’ve really supported him and tried to encourage him to go to the doctors, as he needs some help. He won’t go though.

So I found out yesterday that he’s gotten very close to this work colleague and they have feelings for each other, he’s put a stop to anything happening because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I’m sure there’s more to it, I’m just heartbroken. I stupidly thought he’d never do anything like that to me. He says he loves me and he’s only just realised how much he loves me, he’s sorry and has told her they need to stop the friendship. But he works with her every day.

I’ve had a feeling stuff was happening and he’s made me feel like I’m mad and even called me a psycho! But I was right. I love him and want it to work but I feel like I’ve lost my self respect. He obviously has none for me.

Sorry it’s so long! Thanks for reading.
🙁

Sorry to hear you had a rough night with baby not that you would have slept anyway with all the questions that must be going through your head. How is your husband being with you? Don’t worry about sleeping with him, it’s not an unusual response and was prob more like comfort sex in a way. I hope you can navigate through this!

I'd put money on the fact he's a shit dad as well. Nobody with a full-time job and a baby has got the time or the headspace for an affair (whether emotional or physical) if they are parenting properly and taking on the mental load they should be.

I wouldn't trust a Word he says about having put a stop to it. He's telling you that because he got caught.

He's been lying to you for months, and been happy to turn genuine concerns you have back on you by calling you a Psycho. I don't see how you can come back from that? Even if I could find a way to forgive an EA, I could never get over the gaslighting and the contempt he must feel to be to do that to you. You deserve much better than this.

Reply on the ipad message thread with a picture of your baby. Hi I'm here.
You need to start putting yourself before him its easy to be the person who stays in and holds it all together - don't be me!!
You need a discussion with your partner, it could be time to reconnect and remind each other of the people you were, and your needs.
Look after yourself. X

Thanks for all the messages.

I'm behaving like an absolute doormat to be honest. He's treating me exactly as he always has done. He thinks I should be over it and never bring it up again. But he doesn't need to make any changes to how he treats me. It's like he punishes me with silent treatment when he doesn't like what I say.

Meanwhile, i am humiliating myself by asking for hugs. Pandering to him.

I am so scared of losing him, I know I probably need to. I don't think I'm ready.

@Handmaid2019 your DH seems to have a history of neglecting you and treating you badly. He is not taking ownership of the wrong he has done and is now treating you like you are to blame. He is emotionally abusing you as he’s giving you the silent treatment and treating you like you’ve done something wrong.
i also assume he is withholding physical contact from you as well which is why you are asking for hugs?
I think you need to start building yourself back up as first steps to leaving him. Having a baby knocks you for 6 as it is and his bombshell hasn’t helped!

my advice from you as a divorced woman ( now happily with Dp) is to get onto a reliable method of contraception, don’t entertain any more children as makes it harder to kick him out or leave. Get back into the workplace even if it’s part time. Put away as much money as you can. Do whatever you can to start untying yourself from him. Take small steps every day and it will lead to big changes. Focus on making yourself who you were before you met him!
It sounds like you love him but he is not treating you with love or care! Sometimes are instinct is to cling to something if we think we will lose it. Sometimes letting go is the most liberating feeling in the world! Good luck and look after yourself well xx

@Handmaid2019, you’re understandably in a scary place, so are desperate to feel safe and secure. You won’t be finding that with this self-serving, unremorseful man.

He is continuing to treat you with utter contempt. As such, you are in a false reconciliation, which is an emotionally dangerous place to be and a recipe for disaster.

As the betrayer, he doesn’t get to dictate your recovery schedule. It takes 2-5 years to regain trust, and that is with a fully remorseful cheater who takes complete responsibility for his affair, and who is truly invested in helping his injured partner heal. That includes patiently answering your questions whenever you need him to and regularly checking on you, unprompted; going NC with OW; changing jobs; and providing full transparency and open access. It means investigating his character flaws that enabled his infidelity and duplicity. Without all of the above, he will never be a safe partner, and in all likelihood there will be other women. As it is, this OW is still very much in the picture. You’d be very foolish to believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

As @Secondstart1001 says, his punishing silent treatment is emotional abuse, and of course cheating and gaslighting you were also abusive. @Handmaid2019, I hope you will soon reach the anger stage regarding his past/current mistreatment of you and your child. He is a toxic partner and a very poor role model for your little son.

If it helps, my OH used to try the silent treatment on me. At first I’d be like you, fawning, pandering, literally begging for affection and for it to stop. Then he’d switch and be nice again and I’d be so grateful and relieved. Every time it happened I loved him and myself a little bit less. So I stopped pandering. If he tried silent treatment I’d say that’s not okay and I’m not living like this in a home where someone shuts me out. You either pack it in and we talk about it or you pack your bags and get out. Eventually this behaviour reduced and it now virtually never happens. He sometimes slips into short lived ‘huffs’
but he has explained this is him just going quiet until he sorts his emotions out. So i leave him to it. I know it’s different and this is so raw but what I’m trying to say is you need to find your inner strength and warrior. Stop begging and pandering to him, you’re literally handing your power to him on a plate. If you can get some distance from him this weekend sort your head out and find your anger, that will help you see things more clearly

Things i have thought too. Theres many interesting people his age..he chooses the hottest...younger... nah....

I'm working Sunday and Monday, I'm a nurse and work on a busy ward so there won't be a lot of time to think things through.

I feel like I've not had a minute to even breathe on my own since I found out. I've been into town today, had a look in a few shops and went for a coffee. Ended up sat there almost crying.

I'm taking my older son to a youth club this eve, he's newly diagnosed with autism, he's 12. I'm meeting one of my partners friends there, as her son is the same age and only diagnosed recently. I'm worried I'm going to blurt it all out to her! It would be lovely to have someone to talk to though.

Hope you are ok Op. It very much sounds like you need a safe space in real life to speak to a friend. It sounds like you are walking round in a daze just shattered. It is the worst feeling of betrayal and the enormity of it can be all consuming. I think your husband not taking any responsibility it equally as upsetting. Just navigate things day by day and try start doing things on your terms. Don’t let yourself be bullied into accepting this issue is somehow your fault.

Gosh, just seen more messages to this girl. From a year ago, partner declaring his feelings for her. She doesn’t really respond in the same way. But it’s been going on for a year, my son was a few weeks old. I’m at home today, first time without partner for weeks. Probably shouldn’t have gone looking but I really feel like I don’t know the full story. Now I feel like something must have happened physically. I feel sick.
Considering sending a message to this woman asking what happened.

@Handmaid2019 What are you gonna do hun? Where’s your head

I feel so stupid. He just lies and lies to me. I live in his house, all in his name. We bought the house when I was a student nurse, his dad helped us out with the deposit. So when I tried to get on the mortgage a few years ago, his dad stopped it. Worrying about his money.
I obviously pay the mortgage every month, have done for 8 years. Im so stupid.

So you both bought the house together at the same time, but as his dad helped with the deposit he wouldn’t let you go on? Did you put anything towards the deposit and do you have any legal docs with you on them?
I don’t know much about mortgages babe, but I’ve got a PhD in arsehole men. I know this is all gonna feel like your life is over but I promise you, it isn’t. What other messages did you find? How’s he been with you since the original unveiling? X

Well nothings in my name at all, so I'm fucked there.

He was saying he saw her as more than a friend, couldn't stop thinking about her. She said she didn't see him as any more than a friend, but that was a year ago.

Since then who knows what's happened. He made out like she told him she liked him and he didn't know how he felt. 🙄

He's been okay, he doesn't let me talk about it at all, that's why I've felt like there's more to it. We have been trying to put it behind us, but he's back at work now after the Easter hols, so I know he's seeing her every day again. I brought up him finding a new job and he wouldn't even discuss it.

I know it is hard but I would cut my losses and leave. Do you have any family who would support you?

He refuses to discuss it? So he's really intent on letting his relationship continue.

You need to leave. Seriously. So much disrespect going on here. You can't put up with it.

I don't believe there is a way back.

Leave him. You don’t deserve this shit and it started when you were at your lowest ebb. What happens if you get ill again and poor little man doesn’t get the attention he wants. Not worth it.

I have a good family but I can't move in with them and 3 kids!
All my money has gone into this house. I'm not sure how I can leave financially.
But I do feel totally disrespected.

This is awful. It must feel devastating. I understand your need to find answers and he’s not going to tell you the truth. I’d just ring her rather than message. You’ll get a lot more from what she says and how she reacts. Message gives her opportunity to think and craft a story or even discuss it with him first

@Handmaid2019 can you try get a bit of legal advice on where you stand financially as if you can show the mortgage payments leaving your account surely you can claim half that house regardless of his dads help. I know it’s last of your worries as you are hurting so much.

Are you paying direct to the mortgage company or putting payment into a joint account that the payment goes from? If the latter, what percentage of the mortgage are you paying and does it clearly state 'mortgage payment' as description when it leaves your bank. It does have to be clearly marked as otherwise he can say you were contributing to shopping, utility bills etc.

You need some sort of 'home protection rights' - which a solicitor would advise upon. Please don't leave this as it seems he is not committed emotionally or financially in a fair way. You are in a very vulnerable position.

If it were me I'd be insisting if I'm paying towards the mortgage, I am put on the deeds. If you choose to stay and anything happens to him, you could be homeless too as estate will probably go to his family as no doubt he's not bothered to do a will either.

Come on OP, looks like he's using you as a domestic appliance and your financial contributions are being frittered away.

Or even turn up outside work and ask her to her face! It might not be practical but it’s just an idea and you will know from her reaction what happened. Are there more recent messages to show they are still carrying on?