How do you leave when you have been isolated and cut off everyone else for years?

[Twatusauras]

Its a long one.

I've been with DH for 15 years since I was 16.

We had a us against the world mindset and I actually left home to go and live with him at his mums. This ripped apart my relationship with my family and the more they wanted me to leave him the more I stayed with him and rejected them.

I didn't see them for over a year and when I got in contact with them I was pregnant. I still kept them at arms length, eager to keep my dh happy and felt like I was walking on eggshells.

Years and years have past now and I have a casual relationship with my family but it's like we are all distant cousins, I will see my mum maybe once every few months and my sisters even less. Cousins and Aunties? I haven't seen some since I was 16.

I'm aware that this is from my own making and that this is the new normal. I know that it has permanently damaged the regular relationship I would've had with my family if I didn't leave so young. We have totally different mindsets now if you can imagine two branches growing in opposite directions from the same tree. I don't feel like I could ever get a normal family relationship with them anymore

I have 3 children now an I'm still with dh. Dh hasn't worked since November and sees the school run as his job now. He can sleep throughout the day and prepare to get ready to pick the kids up from school, complains about being tired and the traffic and generally milks out the school run as if people don't juggle around it.

I work part time 2 buses from home and do most of the domestic and mental load. Dh might clean up or put some frozen food in the oven if I'm working a late shift, but the laundry, shopping , admin and general cleaning is down to me.

I feel trapped.

I also feel like he has curated a good relationship with the children as he spends a lot of time with them whilst I'm doing everything else and working.

He shouts a lot, that is the main reason I want out. He will go from 0 to 100 in seconds and then act like nothing happened and everyone's suppose to forget his outburst and carry on as normal. He has no real intention of studying or finding a job and when confronted says that if he works he wouldn't be able to see the kids and who will do the school run so that I can work.

People praise him for always dropping and picking up the kids it's insane. I will have people ask me at work, who has your children? And be in awe that my dh is looking after them. His mum will tell me how stressful the school run is and he needs to rest he can't handle the stress.

If I leave him I will be ripping apart the children's routine from having this comfy school drop off and a jokey dad, to having a more stressed mum and for them to have to get the bus to school.

We had a major argument today and I went to my room whilst he sat with the kids in the sitting room. I felt like I am losing my children and I am looking like the evil, crazy stressed one.

I would be the one 'breaking' up the family.

I would think your family would have you back in a heartbeat. Get in touch with them, explain the situation and talk it through with them. Go from there.

You know if it’s a reverse, posters will defend the job of the SAHP.

But don’t dwell on what happened when you were 16. If you want out, start planning it. You managed to walk out on your family at 16. You can do it again. You will get time with your children, likely 50/50.

I don't feel like he is a sahd though. He just does the school run and seems on stand by to do the school run the whole time I'm at work.

I work part time so that I can get everything else in the house sorted and spend time with my children when I'm at home.

My mum and sisters have developed their life without me being there, so I don't think they would accept me wanting to have a more traditional family relationship with them. I accept that as I'm the one who caused it through being totally selfish.

I have realised though that this has made me very vulnerable, I have no tribe or anyone to go to. I've made my Dh family the children's default family and my family the distant relatives.

I would be taking the kids with me not walking away from them.

Plan plan plan.
Have you got savings?
Have you spoken to your oh about doing more or how you feel?

Then it's time to "get your ducks in a row", as they say.

There is no point in dwelling on your lack of relationship with your family, now. Right now, it's "plan to leave" time.

Make sure your pay goes into a separate bank account and only transfer bill money to a joint account as needed.

Get some savings to use for a flat/house deposit. Be ready to remove yourself from the household bills, make sure you have copies of all of them.

Catching a bus to and from school is not a hardship for most DC, in fact they can enjoy it if their friends are on the bus and it will give them a sense of independence.

But be mindful that he can fight you for the DC and you may well lose if he can show that he is their main carer, and school runs are one for the ways he can show that. Could you change your hours to do the school run yourself, even if it's temporary? Or even reduce your hours. If he complains about the lack of money, tell him he can get a job.

Cutting you off from your network of friends and family is a classic tool of domestic abuse. He's exploiting you. Talk to Women's Aid.

It's time to start building bridges with your family.

It's time to start being more open to chances of friendship with people you meet at work.

You won't just get it all back in a short time, so just try tiny steps, but you need to start taking yourself on a journey that builds you a support system.

Your family are still in your life a bit.
There is a way back even though it may take some time.

I have a few grand saved. He knows how I feel and I gave him an ultimatum the other day as the shouting was too much.

For example he will fly off on the children when they have a normal childish reaction to something. Like my dd fell asleep on the floor in the sitting room and didn't want to go to bed, she was complaining after he tried to gently wake her up and got aggressive when she didn't want to get up. Then when I tell him this is normal behaviour of a tired child he will tell me to not get involved and started saying that this is what she had planned and she likes to see us argue.

He does stuff like this so all the children have been on the receiving end of his tantrums and acts like when someone does something its on purpose and spiteful and it's some kind of conspiracy.

I cant explain it.

But then in the next minute he will go out and have a cigarette to calm down and come back with a funny joke or video to cut the tension and everything goes back to normal.

If you don't immediately want to go back to normal with him you will be accused of trying to carry things on and be told that you love causing problems and drama.

I dont have it in me anymore to be be constantly fighting and defending and trying to be happy.

He can make the children laugh and have so much energy when he wants. But I just feel so run down with it all. He can make me look like the crazy one and I feel like my relationship with my children is suffering as I don't have the mindset to sit and play with them or fake it happy.

This feeling was strong today when we had a massive argument as I went to my room afterwards and he sat with the kids in the sitting room telling jokes and laughing. I know the kids must be thinking that I'm the sad bad one.

I see that I have two options.

Part of me thinks use him for the school run and build a better career for myself until at least the older two have finished school and then put my youngest in the closest school possible for secondary. This will mean waiting out 4-5 years.

The other option is for me to totally abandon where I live now and take my children and move them away, because he will not move out and let me live here by myself. I feel like my 2 older children won't want to do this and won't be able to start new somewhere. They are 13 and 14 and I should've done this when they were younger.

I wish I never left at 16 and the police made me go back home but its done now.

Why do you think you'll be able to take the children away full time, surely he would fight for 50/5?0 or more?

This sounds like a really difficult situation but you're not alone, there is help out there. You don't have to wait years to leave but you can plan to do it safely. It's important to talk to someone, there are free phone lines or you can email:

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Good luck

He targeted you and otherwise groomed you deliberately at 16 in order to abuse. Isolating you from your family was also deliberate on his part and is a tactic often seen in abusive relationships.

Do not wait another 4/5 years. You along with your kids have suffered enough and you certainly do not need another 4/5 years of same. It will feel ever more harder to leave then do do not kick the can down the road. Start to plan your exit from this and now with due care and attention. You need both legal advice from a solicitor re divorce and Womens Aid here.

I would take them away and not tell him. He would have to find me. Thats the only way I could leave or for us to break up. He won't go.

He doesn't deserve or could cope with having the children 50% of the time.

He doesn't do anything bar the school run.

Right now I will get them up, make breakfast, pack lunch, encourage them to hurry up and get ready, brush my dds hair. He will stay asleep until it's time to drive them to school. Then he will come back home and chill or sleep on the sofa until he has to gear up to pick them up again.

He might go to the bank or a random appointment or to see his mum.

But he won't be tidying, cleaning, folding clothes, making dinner or looking for a job or doing any life admin!

I do everything else on my days off or before and after work.

If I say to him can you help out and wash up he will think back to when he last washed up and if it was the day before he will say he is always washing up. If it's been a long time he will huff and say what but then probably wash up.

There is no initiative to help. He thinks the school run is enough and is tiring and a full time job and because he is a man doing the school run he gets enough praise and recognition from other people to validate it.

Your kids may get in touch with him on social media and tell him where you are.

I know that's why I dont see that plan working its a fantasy.

I do think building myself up until the children are old enough and then kicking him out and not giving a shit because its too late might be the only way to survive this.

It is natural to be desperately seeking a solution to this untenable situation

it is natural to feel resentment at financially supporting a partner who doesn’t pull their weight domestically at home & feeling a bitter regret at our life choices

It is however unrealistic to assume you can take 2 children of their age & just disappear indefinitely

It would also be incredibly selfish & cruel to uproot children’s lives & go into hiding unless there was a genuine fear for their lives

Teens these days have friends & phones so any cover will be blown quickly, especially if they disagree with being kidnapped

There are women’s shelters to help advise, but it sounds like this is may be a case of an unhappy marriage rather than abuse

As the stay at home parent by rights their father will have a good case for 50/50 custody & if the other parent absconds with the children indefinitely then the courts may take a grim view of that behaviour & it could affect visitation split.

it is wise not to feel a sense of ownership of the children when they have an active father in their lives & look at what is genuinely in their best interests here, which is the right to know their own father

it is not up to one parent to decide that the other does not “deserve” or is their children simply because they are lazy at home & make snappy comments on occasion

it is not up to one parent to decide to kidnap their children simply because the spouse knows their rights & refuses to leave the home.

I wouldn't make any assumptions about your family. Perhaps they've been hoping all these years that you will come back to them? If I were you I'd have a heart to heart. Apologise and tell them what's going on.

Imagine if it were one of your kids in your position. Wouldn't your door always be open?

Please get in touch with Womens Aid and talk to your family and explain your situation, you might find your options are easier than you thought.

Sounds like an awful situation.

Do you own your home or is it rented?

You need to tell him you want a divorce but first of all you need to get your “ducks in a row”. ie. sort out your finances, visit a solicitor if you own your home to see what your rights are re selling and also custody, get all legal/financial paperwork in order, take copies of mortgage agreement/any savings/pensions etc, hide yours and kids passports,

If he won’t leave the house it will have to be sold and the equity split - if you’re renting that’s obviously a lot easier as you can move into something else. He will threaten you with 50/50 custody but lazy arses like your dh rarely actually go to court - why would he want to parent them alone when he’s never shown any initiative to do this thus far?

You’ll find your dc’s will know which side their bread is buttered in reality - a “fun dad” is all well and good but when mum is the one who makes sure you’re fed/washes your clothes/tidies up and generally does everything for them they will realise they prefer being with you, and if he does end up having them 50% of the time well it’ll give you a nice break from all the hard slog and mean that your useless dh has to do his bit wont it?

Good luck!

And get in touch with your mum/sisters and tell them the reality of your situation.

Even if they can’t offer practical help it will do you good to talk to them and hopefully open up the doors for a more meaningful relationship with them. I’m betting they know what a waste of space he is and will be pleased when you open up to them.

If your oldest are teenagers they will probably get to choose who they live with. Doesn't mean they will be courageous enough to make a decision to live only with you but at least they will have a choice. How old is your youngest? Are there three kids in total?

Since you are married your ex can't just decide he's not moving out of the house. He would have to buy you out if you both decide he should stay and not you. If he's unemployed that's unlikely to be possible unless he has a lot of money in the bank.

OMG no wonder you want out, the school run is not a job.
If the school run involves a drive, could you rent somewhere within walkable distance to that school? Your teenagers may well not want to move schools.

Your reasons for wanting out are so completely valid, dont doubt yourself for a second, he is a parasite and a terrible role model for your children.
The solution is a practical one, how, when, where questions.
What is your financial situation? Do you own or rent? Sorting out housing is the first priority, the rest will fall into place.
It will be very hard at first, but dont relent and you will be better off in the end. The older children may want to live with him to start with if they see him as fun dad. That wont last long once he actually has to do parenting, so just roll with it and bide your time.
Once you have your own home away from him, you can start to develop your relationship with your own family.

Don’t talk bullshit!.

No SAHM has ever come on here to say they find the school run so stressful they need to sleep and rest for the remainder of the day, and that they leave the housework and mental load to the working parent. And if they did they would get their arse absolutely handed to them on a plate.