How do you leave when you have been isolated and cut off everyone else for years?

[Twatusauras]

Its a long one.

I've been with DH for 15 years since I was 16.

We had a us against the world mindset and I actually left home to go and live with him at his mums. This ripped apart my relationship with my family and the more they wanted me to leave him the more I stayed with him and rejected them.

I didn't see them for over a year and when I got in contact with them I was pregnant. I still kept them at arms length, eager to keep my dh happy and felt like I was walking on eggshells.

Years and years have past now and I have a casual relationship with my family but it's like we are all distant cousins, I will see my mum maybe once every few months and my sisters even less. Cousins and Aunties? I haven't seen some since I was 16.

I'm aware that this is from my own making and that this is the new normal. I know that it has permanently damaged the regular relationship I would've had with my family if I didn't leave so young. We have totally different mindsets now if you can imagine two branches growing in opposite directions from the same tree. I don't feel like I could ever get a normal family relationship with them anymore

I have 3 children now an I'm still with dh. Dh hasn't worked since November and sees the school run as his job now. He can sleep throughout the day and prepare to get ready to pick the kids up from school, complains about being tired and the traffic and generally milks out the school run as if people don't juggle around it.

I work part time 2 buses from home and do most of the domestic and mental load. Dh might clean up or put some frozen food in the oven if I'm working a late shift, but the laundry, shopping , admin and general cleaning is down to me.

I feel trapped.

I also feel like he has curated a good relationship with the children as he spends a lot of time with them whilst I'm doing everything else and working.

He shouts a lot, that is the main reason I want out. He will go from 0 to 100 in seconds and then act like nothing happened and everyone's suppose to forget his outburst and carry on as normal. He has no real intention of studying or finding a job and when confronted says that if he works he wouldn't be able to see the kids and who will do the school run so that I can work.

People praise him for always dropping and picking up the kids it's insane. I will have people ask me at work, who has your children? And be in awe that my dh is looking after them. His mum will tell me how stressful the school run is and he needs to rest he can't handle the stress.

If I leave him I will be ripping apart the children's routine from having this comfy school drop off and a jokey dad, to having a more stressed mum and for them to have to get the bus to school.

We had a major argument today and I went to my room whilst he sat with the kids in the sitting room. I felt like I am losing my children and I am looking like the evil, crazy stressed one.

I would be the one 'breaking' up the family.

My mum and sisters have developed their life without me being there, so I don't think they would accept me wanting to have a more traditional family relationship with them. I accept that as I'm the one who caused it through being totally selfish.

OP you were 16 and finding your way in the world and trying out your independence, you are still their daughter and sister so don't write them off just yet.

I think you should contact your mother and ask if she can meet you for a talk, tell her everything and ask if she could be in a position to support you, get any legal advice you need, contact Women's Aid for a talk too and then start planning to leave. If you stay and build up your career you might find yourself in the position of having to pay him maintenance as he is not working and is currently the SAHP. You need legal advice before you act.

The 5 year plan sounds like a good one if you can’t get out now. He isn’t a good dad and at around that age your kids eyes will open. Build your resources. He will have had 5 years of doing nothing. You’ll be way ahead and can give your kids a home where no one has to walk on egg shells.

Ye waiting another 5 years sounds good until you realise that's another 5 years of your life you are losing being with an abuser.

The thing I personally lost more than anything with my abusive ex husband was the best years of my life from aged 24 to 42. The years spent recovering and then you're in your 50s.
Don't let him have any more of your life. Get out when you can. If he's an abuser get him out of the house.

"We had a us against the world mindset"

Are you sure this wasn't only his mindset and you weren't sucked in? As in, him against the world influencing you to be against the world, apart from his family of course.

If you leave, you take your children with you. How would he look after them if all he does is the school run? Millions of kids get the bus to/from school every day, or you might be able to change your work situation so things fit better. Talk to your family, apologise for having been distant. And listen to your inner voice - it's trying to save you from future isolation and a life that suits only him.

SO many men isolate their female from her family and friends and make their own family the priority. I've had the same bullshit myself for 20 years and am so over it.

Explain to your family the hold he's had over you and that you want to leave but are trying to figure out how to do that with the children. Sounds like your family were/are aware of what kind of person he is.

You’ve nothing to lose by talking to Women’s Aid. Like others I think he’s deliberately isolating you and making himself “fun dad” as much as he’s able to pretend he can do that.
Try to record his outbursts, never shout or retaliate. You’re the voice of reason, let him yell.