Comparison is the thief of joy - can someone please give me a slap?

[PoorLittleEngland]

4 years ago I met 2 brothers, let’s call them Sam and Ben. I started a relationship with Ben, whilst Sam was casually seeing my friend, which quickly fizzled out. They were working in my area at the time, but are usually based around 4 hours drive away. Despite the distance me and Ben are still going strong, we spend every weekend together, as well as times he’s off work, and have literally never argued, he’s so laid back it would be impossible to argue with him I think! We’ve also been on lots of holidays together, with each other and in the last year or so with my DC too.

Neither brother had ever had a serious relationship, despite being in their mid-late 30s, and for this reason it’s been a very slow burner with Ben. I have had to gently cajole him along at times. I would love to get married, I adore him, but he’s made it clear he wouldn’t ever want to get married. I’m past the age of wanting any more children, so it’s not a massive deal breaker. He also doesn’t want to live with me, he likes his own space, which I can understand as I do too, and also I have my teenage DC to consider. My DC think he’s great BTW, but they also like it just being the 3 of us.

Sam was single for ages after things fizzled out with my friend, and was adamant he just wanted to be single forever. But then he obviously had a change of heart, and last year started online dating and met someone who he’s been seeing since. She lives a lot closer to the area they work in than I do, but because they work such long hours, and get accommodation through work, they both only see their GFs at weekends.

Ben and Sam were renting a house together until recently, but that has ended. So Ben decided he was going to buy a house near me, so he’d be based in my area properly at weekends and when he’s not working. This was a massive step forward, like I say it’s been a very slow burner. However I recently saw Sam and his GF at an event and she said that Sam was going to be moving in with her, as they’re ’at that stage’. She’s in a very similar position to me, in terms of living arrangements (similar age DC, both in rented housing). Except that she hasn’t even been with Sam a year yet, and it’s been 4 years for me and Ben.

I know that I shouldn’t compare my relationship to theirs, but it’s taken the wind out of my sails a bit. I would love things to move a bit faster than they are with Ben, but I appreciate that living with someone with DC isn’t for everyone. Both brothers are very similar characters, or so I thought, but Sam has really come out of left field here and decided that he’s going to go from being grumpy and on his own forever, to Mr Romance.

It doesn’t help that Sam’s gf is clearly competitive about ‘whose relationship is the best’, and loves telling me all about the super romantic things that Sam has done for her, which tbf Ben has never really done for me.

But at the same time, Ben has been the most steady, dependable, generous and honest guy with real integrity, and in 4 years there’s nothing about him I don’t like. I was perfectly happy until I started comparing our situation to Sam and his GF’s, and now I feel a bit…inadequate I suppose, and sad that Ben doesn’t want those things with me. I can see the next thing being a proposal from Sam to his GF and honestly that would kill me I think.

I’m being a dick aren’t I? Ben is an absolute unicorn of a man and I am in danger of fucking it up because I wish he would progress our relationship in a similar way to Sam is with his.

I think the issue is, you see this as a 'slow burner'. Where as it seems to me that he doesn't want marriage or kids right? Or to live with you either? So...what else is there.

It's as if you're expecting him to change his mind about these things.

@Pinkbonbon he doesn’t want kids, which is lucky as I’m probably too old now anyway (I’m older than him). And he says he doesn’t see the point in getting married, although if he was going to get married it would be to me 🙄. I think a large part of that is that he’s very, very shy, and would hate the attention of a wedding. Logically I know it doesn’t really matter, it wouldn’t really make any difference. But I’ve never been married and I am sure without any shadow of a doubt that he is my person, honestly we get on so well, it’s completely different to any relationship I’ve had before.

The living together thing…he’s here anyway when he’s not working, so him buying a house around here wouldn’t make much difference, except for there will be the benefit of having a place to escape to for shagging purposes 🤣. Teenagers plus small house can make that a bit awkward and we often go and stay in hotels at weekends for that reason. So in that sense it does make more sense for him to buy somewhere separate, than move in here. And he’d be investing his money in property rather than having nothing to show for it.

No, I don’t think he’ll change his mind. He’s always been very clear on that. I know our set up isn’t the usual one but it’s worked really well. It’s just now I’ve started to compare it to what is going on with his brother and it’s made me feel shite for some stupid reason.

I’m afraid my lawyer brain kicks in when I read your story and think he doesn’t want you to have any claim on his assets hence the unwillingness to marry. I’m not saying it is just that but I am sure people have been talking to him. It sounds like you really want different things but you will settle for what you have as he’s not offering more, deep down you are not really happy with it otherwise what Sam and his girlfriend do would be irrelevant. Ultimately it is up to you to decide if it is enough. I hope it works out for you.

It's not easy to find someone you like the older you get. So you can jump in the hope you'll find someone right for you who will marry, but tbh, you are just as likely to meet the same stumbling block on marriage with anyone who has an asset of a house, just because you don't.
People are protective about what they've built up over years, that's understandable.
Your setup sounds ideal at the moment and him moving near you is a significant and a step.
He probably wouldn't want to live with teenagers, so you really shouldn't force that. As for never living with you, I don't see an issue while your DC's still have a home with you. Perhaps once they are independent and moving out, then if he still doesn't want to live with you ever as a couple, and you do want that kind of relationship, then it might be best to part ways.
As far as his bro goes, if his gf was on here saying she had 2 teenagers and wanted to move a man in prior to having dated less than a year, she'd be told its a high risk and a bad idea. If the brothers are so alike, he probably will come to regret his decision, though is likely blinded by being still in the honeymoon phase at present - that will wear off. It might look good now, but it might not be rosy in a year's time.
The thing about very laid back people is that they don't tend to easily make big changes in life, unless external circumstances force them to. So his DB moving out, could be what has prompted him to move near you, so in a way, his DB's situation may have pushed yours along a bit, but this is probably the limit by what he says. Its fine to accept it, but don't wish year's hoping for more.

I wonder if you're giving as many mixed msgs to him as you are here?

You are happy as things are , but then next sentence you're not , you don't want him living with you , your dc are happy as the situation is , but then next thing you're envious that the brother is moving in with his girlfriend.

Maybe you need to decide what it is you actually want ? Are you as happy with the situation as you say you are ?

And maybe you need to communicate to your partner what you ACTUALLY want ?

@Flatandhappy possibly…maybe in the sense that if we broke up he wouldn’t want that to happen. Although he says he thinks we’ll be together forever, we both do. He doesn’t have DC and if he stays with me then he won’t ever have any, which he’s fine with. He is incredibly generous, he earns well and insists on paying for everything - from meals out/nights in local hotels to family holidays. He knows I don’t have much spare cash and never makes me feel bad that he’s paying for stuff. So for that reason I don’t think his brain would be going down the road of trying to squirrel stuff away from me, but you never know I guess.

@Opentooffers I am under no illusions that I would be an idiot to finish with him in the hope of finding someone better, my previous relationship/dating history informs me that men like him just don’t really exist. He adores me and my DC, and as I said we have never had any cross words about anything, we just get along and it just works, we spend so much time laughing, we have the same sense of humour.

And yes I was surprised with Sam’s GF said they were moving in together - they’ve not been together long and he must hardly know her DC as they are always at their dad’s at weekends which is the only time he’s there. I know they’ve met him, but only on the odd weekend where their dad can’t have them for some reason, or if Sam is there any time other than the weekend. Sam also told Ben a couple of weeks ago that his gf had asked him to move in, he’d laughed and said no way, then she’d cried. So that seems to be the opposite of what she is saying, I can only presume that he felt bad for upsetting her so changed his tune and said he would. I think the difference between Sam and Ben is that Sam isn’t as bright, so I don’t think he would think things through to the same degree.

You make a very valid point about him being laid back and not changing things unless he has to!

@Friend2023 you make an excellent point there, I probably am giving him mixed messages. Not that he seems bothered by that 🤣 (he never seems bothered by anything). Genuinely thank you for pointing that out, as that’s not fair of me to do that. Deep down I am happy with the situation as it is, it’s what makes most sense for everyone. Maybe things will change when my DC are living their own lives, but for now it works well as it is. That was the slap I asked for in my OP, thank you.

With your recent update Sam's girlfriend sounds even worse.

• new relationship
• competitive romance
• children in the mix
• emotional blackmail

It's going to end in tears and this time they'll be Sam's. You have NOTHING to be jealous of.

You would like things to move a bit faster, and you wish he would progress the relationship, but if he's been very clear that he doesn't want marriage, or children, and you're not fussed about him buying a house near yours, then what is it that you want from him?

To me, your arrangement sounds perfect.

@BaronessBomburst yes I do feel she manipulated him to get her own way there, it’s hard to imagine him deciding that’s what he wants. He likes his own space even more than my bf does, so it’s hard to imagine a world where he would think that is a good idea. She also has an older child who has left home who has very young DC, that she looks after regularly. It’s certainly not something he’d have suggested I don’t think, so I’d imagine it’s a situation of him going along with it to keep the peace. Having said that, he does seem to really like her, so maybe it will work out for them. Will be interesting to see how it unfolds as the next job they’re doing is going to be for quite a long time and very close to where she lives, so I’d imagine she’ll expect him to be there every night rather than stay in the work accommodation.

Sounds to me like you have great kids, your own place and lovely partner. I wonder if you haven't already got the best of both worlds.

If I were you I'd put Sam and his girlfriend out of your mind. They have their own thing going on and you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. If you're happy with your man, just stop wasting time thinking about other people when you could just be enjoying the moment.

For me, the practical purposes of marriage, romance aside, are a degree of proof that a man is at the stage of wanting to settle down and have kids (far from guaranteed, I know) and financial security if the marriage fails.

What age are your DC? Is he reluctant to be a full time step dad?

If they are older, do you need marriage? If you truly get along well, have separate homes, laugh all the time, that could be an ideal situation as you gain more freedom from childrearing. you keep your autonomy. You have guests when you like, go away when you like.

Don't compare the two relationships. One thing I have noticed is that people who broadcast their relationships are very insecure. She may say they are 'at that stage'. But equally, you might say, 'Oh I am past that stage - had it with DC's partner. Now I like my autonomy.'

If it is crucial to you, you need to tell him. Don't settle. But don't assume you are settling just because someone else is ticking the usual boxes. Take a really good look at the benefits of living separately.

@canyouletthedogoutplease I’m really happy that he’s buying somewhere near me, as the rest of his life (work/family) is literally at the other end of the country, so he is obviously serious about this being a long term thing. And I guess it’s more of a permanent move than just moving in, which could be easily undone. He was initially looking for a one bedroom place, but my youngest has got very excited about him moving here and has made it clear she wants a bedroom in his new place so she can come over too…so now he’s only considering two bedroom places 🤣. Kind of defeats the purpose of our imagined love nest but he is very fond of her and is happy to go along with that.

@Evensong you’re so right, I guess it’s just come to the fore because I’ve recently seen his brother and gf, but because they live so far away I don’t see them often at all so will be easy to not think about them!

@AmaryllisChorus, my DC are 14 and 20, so it’s easy to escape for a night locally. He really likes them and hasn’t ever forced any kind of relationship with them, he didn’t meet them for nearly a year and he’s just been quietly there and gradually got to know them. They can see he makes me really happy and they also think he’s very funny (he is).

I guess no I don’t really need marriage, I would like to marry him as I love him to bits, but I don’t think it would change much. I am a lot more independent and less needy than his brother’s GF and have too much respect for my BF to try to strong arm him into something he doesn’t want to do. Maybe if I started issuing ultimatums I could change the situation, but I’m not like that so it’s not going to happen.

Sounds like the other couple are rushing things. Not a good sign. I love my two home set up, I always look forward to spending with my DP but wouldn't want it spoiled by petty domestic aggro. Better for DC too to have their own space.

I understand my ex husband married and had a child all within a year of meeting his now wife. My partner and I at the time had been together six years and I just felt dreadful and questioned my next steps in my relationship.
We actually married a year later and are very happy together but no babies together by choice! It's a difficult emotion, but if you have a happy stable relationship and your teenagers are happy then really that's all that counts at this point in time. Try and see less of her for a while and ignore the competition or come up with all the fabulous things you do in your own life

But you said he didn’t make romantic gestures. That all sounds pretty romantic to me!

Avoid the gf- comparison really is the thief of joy!!

Usually those who speak the loudest have something to prove. I know in my own life it’s like that. Something to prove to themselves or externally but that’s their issue.

I feel that you and Ben aren't compatible. You want different things in life.

The situation with Sam and his gf has just illuminated this to you.

I think Ben is having his cake and eating it. That's what I wouldn't like about the situation and I suspect in your heart of hearts you realise it too.

This is what I was thinking!

Moving a new partner in with teens can be fraught, and I think Ben is wise to avoid it. You have the best of both worlds - a nice partner who is good to your kids - and space from each other. Enjoy it!

I'm finding it a bit hard reconciling your very measured, sensible, feet on the ground post about your relationship and all the mileage ahead of it, with any kind of jealousy over Sam and his gf. They'll be living together for all of 5 minutes and you know it.

Thank you all, I’m glad I posted rather than express any of this to my BF as it’s galvanised what I knew all along, that we are fine as we are. I think it was just being stuck with Sam’s GF for a few days in close quarters there and being subjected to her wittering on endlessly about her and Sam being loves young dream, and the moving in together thing, that made me have a bit of a childish ‘but what about meeeeee’ moment. I knew it was ridiculous which is why I posted here to get it out of my system rather than saying any of this to anyone 🤣.

We definitely do have the best of both worlds and it’s the situation that works best for all of us, especially and most importantly my DC.

I don’t agree that Ben is having his cake and eating it. He’s 6 years younger than me, good looking, no DC, works very hard and earns very good money. I’m a single mum with two DC and health issues which mean I’m not earning much at all. The fact he has chosen to be/stay with me and has never been anything short of amazing (we’ve had life throw some heavy stuff at us in the years we’ve been together), just goes to show what a lovely man he is. My situation wouldn’t be for everyone, but he loves me for me. I can honestly say in 4 years there’s never been even a hint of ick creeping in, or questioning whether it’s right. It’s a world apart from anything I’ve known before.

Thank you for giving my head the wobble it needed.

You sound like a 14 year old.