Is it ever ok for DH to say 'fuck you'?

[teacheroffsick]

I said I didn't really want his brother and new wife staying the night at the weekend cos she never talks to me or even lifts a finger to help. Why couldn't she just not drink and drive them both home at the end of the evening? DH said 'fuck you' and 'how dare you speak about my brother like that.' To be honest, I don't like either of them and can just about tolerate them when they come for family occasions. The thought of hosting just them sounds like hard work and boring. I don't agree with their values and they are lazy houseguests. DH then started slagging off my sisters so I told him to go up to bed and leave me alone.

I don't think it's at all ok in those circumstances. I have said it a lot to my H recently but that's because I made the moronic decision to let him back in post cheating! it's probably not ever ok really, it's a huge level of disrespect. It sounds like he is contemptuous of you and your valid feelings/opinion.

Well you better make sure your not so D H does ALL the work then. You opt out.

In the context I'd say no, but then things can get heated and DH and I have both sworn at each other in the past.

If its a generally respectful relationship, I'd let it slide tbh, but it depends on how you communicate the rest of the time..

You need to have other things to do at the weekend.

Exactly what @Dacadactyl said, I think people can occasionally lose their cool and swear but it depends whether both it's a rarity (as in once in a blue moon) and also what the recovery and repair looks like. I would like to have never sworn at my DH but over our 16 years we have a few times when we have got disregulated in what is for us a rare argument. But we will always apologise, we will talk it through. So I don't expect perfection from myself or him but I do expect respect and care.

There was no argument. It was a quick 3 minute conversation. There will be no repair. I probably won't mention that he told me to 'fuck you're again and just speak to him as little as possible tomorrow. He won't apologise for swearing at me and would probably just say he meant it.

'Fuck you' again is what I meant to type.

Book yourself a night away somewhere. Quiet night in a hotel, ideally one with spa facilities. Tell DH you don't mind his brother and sil coming, but you don't want to be there with them. If you have kids, even better - dh can look after them and his guests single handedly. 😂

For me no reason. I don't like swearing, i find it quite aggressive.

I understand anger, arguements but i find being sworn at takes it to a different level.

Its very hostile and depending on the tone quite threatening and intimidating.

Ugh. This is awful.

We would say it as banter or in a disagreement. It’s just words.

I don’t have a problem with the words fuck or shit .

and for what it’s worth I wouldn’t have dh or my siblings and ohs to stay over… no thank you. Hate peoole invading my home,

Been married 22 years and we've said the occasional fuck you out of desperation.

But I think this is more about you being put in a position where you're doing all the hosting for his family?

Also, what did you say about his brother because so far you've only mentioned how his wife doesn't life a finger and should do the driving.

That's horrible OP, I'm sorry.
Perhaps be busy at weekend, leave DH to sort everything out.
To answer your question in an occasional heated argument Perhaps it's OK particularly if followed by apology.
But sounds like it was more a stroppy immature reaction.
My DH has had the odd outbursts like this before and I know it's really hurtful and a bit bewildering. Generally its when he knows he cocked up . I'm now much better at calling him out on it.

I do take exception to you pointing out that your SIL, should be the one to do the driving and that 'she' doesn't help with any hosting duties. That is blatantly assuming it's her role moreso than your BIL, which it is not, you're actually doing some quite sexist stereotyping against your own sex.
Where is your DH in this? Is he not doing his fair share of hosting duties, simply because he's a man? Perhaps you need to change your mindset and attitude on this one, I suspect your DH is the laziest of the lot of you, so it not quite fair to take it out on your SIL, look closer to home for the issues here. Perhaps you could negotiate and say that if he does all the hosting duties, you'll turn up with a smile as a compromise, but you'll be noones skivvy and will take yourself off for the night otherwise.

You misunderstand because I explained it badly: I would expect her to drive because DH wants a drinking session with his brother. Neither of them lift a finger to help, they will leave their dirty plates on the table for example.
DH isn't lazy - he would prepare and make all the food but I know I would be expected to clear it all up.

Do you have children together?

Anyone remember the outrage on MN when a poster's mother called and her husband was doing DIY and didn't immediately come and say hello to his MIL. The usual MN chants of how dare he disrespect her family. Seems on here it is ok to disrespect your husband's family but husbands must learn to put their MILS before anything even if they are up a ladder clearing out gutters.
I have always tried hard to treat my husband's family with respect and he does the same for me. It works well for a healthy relationship

@Brabican I agree with you. Theyre guests - they shouldn't be raising a finger.

Obviously you should help your DH host and tidy up as he should you, when you invite people over. I think of you spoke about my family like that I'd have my back up too.

Fuck that. DH can entertain his brother however he wants but you need to go out when he does and have fun. DH can cook and clean up.

It’s your husband’s house too so surely he can invite his family to stay if he wants. I wouldn’t expect guests to clear up after a meal and its great your husband will cook.

I think you’re both being unreasonable, him for swearing, you for planning to give him the silent punishment tomorrow.

If it were DH and I, as hosts we'd pick up most of the 'duties' together.

But we wouldn't be opposed to occasionally throwing his brother and his wife a tea towel, or rattling an empty cup and nodding towards the kettle

I would have replied and you fuck yourself too and your brother and his wife, you go and fucking stay with them for the weekend and leave me in peace.

Why do you expect her to help?

That was badly worded.
So have you been to there place while your DH and his brother have a drinking session, or is this a one-way street? Do they host? If its not reciprocated, and its mainly about a brothely binge session, perhaps the could just go out together and collapse on return at each others places in turns? Forcing wives who don't get on to socialise sounds a grim situation.

I do think that part of being married is occasionally having to put up with entertaining DHs family. I don't particularly like my DHs brother and his wife but I've made the effort sometimes for his sake. And I would say that he's done the same for my family who probably get on his nerves at times too! If they are lazy house guests, I would just say can you give me a hand clearing the plates etc? As for the 'fuck you' - is that normal for him to speak to you like that or is it a rare occurrence during an argument? DH and I have been known to swear at each other when really angry but it's probably only been a few times in 30+ years!