Is it ever ok for DH to say 'fuck you'?

[teacheroffsick]

I said I didn't really want his brother and new wife staying the night at the weekend cos she never talks to me or even lifts a finger to help. Why couldn't she just not drink and drive them both home at the end of the evening? DH said 'fuck you' and 'how dare you speak about my brother like that.' To be honest, I don't like either of them and can just about tolerate them when they come for family occasions. The thought of hosting just them sounds like hard work and boring. I don't agree with their values and they are lazy houseguests. DH then started slagging off my sisters so I told him to go up to bed and leave me alone.

My H has said this to me a couple of times in anger (we weren’t even arguing, he just didn’t like what I had suggested). It really hurt me, even more so when he made it my fault for him saying it. It was demoralising and disrespectful.

However H has anger issues generally and respectful communication isn’t one of his strong points.

Nothing wrong with fuck you in my world but obviously it is in yours. I would also be saying fuck you if you told me my family couldn't stay the night. You don't like his family.... Go to bed, don't ruin it for them. You don't want to clean up? Don't. I would never expect house guests to clean up, welcome if they do but never expected. You sound like a pain in the rear end.

Plonk yourself next to the lazy sil. Leave dh to it. Or eat and go to bed early.. Leave th mess to dh...

This sounds dysfunctional and the symptoms of a majorly flawed relationship.

Nope. I'd not tolerate such relationship.

I think there lies the problem. The hospitality is not reciprocated so that's why I simply can't be arsed with them coming over. We often have big family get togethers where my DH and I make a huge effort to feed and water everyone. People always offer to help by carrying dishes to the outside table, clearing the table afterwards, washing up glasses or helping the kids with stuff. Whilst we serve drinks, it gets to the point that if people want water, they just help themselves as we are not waiters. BIL and his wife do not though. They pitch up in the same spot and sit there caressing each other (they are 41 but only been together 4 years) and barely talk to anyone. They had everyone over once, and yet we have family parties at least twice a year. It pisses me off.

DH would expect me to arrange all the bedding.

Whether swearing crosses the line isn't about the swearing, it's about the tone. "Fuck you" can be light-hearted or it can be a momentarily angry one-off or it can be used deliberately and consistently to belittle or intimidate. Obviously the last is a huge problem. But even DP and I, who rarely ever argue, have said the occasional fuck you/fuck off to each other over the years.

I also wouldn't expect guests to lift a finger to help out if we're hosting. And the division of labour - your husband preps and cooks; you clean up - seems fair to me.

Hospitality isn't something we do expecting to be reciprocated either. Some people are less comfortable with hosting for many reasons. It's fine. They show their friendship in other ways.

The real issue here is that you don't like your SIL (and it's not about whether she helps out, it's just that you don't like her). If you enjoyed her company the lack of reciprocation would be a non-issue. And you're being forced to socialise with her for an entire evening. (Are you expected to go off and chat together rather than all four of you sitting and talking? Even worse.) You have my sympathies, is there a reason your husband and his brother can't just get together by themselves?

Honestly you sound immensely selfish and maybe the fuck you was an end of his tether thing. Part of being in a relationship is sucking up irritating family members because you love the person enough to do that. It's one night and it's his brother.
How much of your family do you see as a couple? Has he maybe been swallowing down his real thoughts about your folks?
And other posters' suggestions to just piss off and do something else are very poor advice. It will only inflame the situation. Are you a partnership or not?

Aw, it's quite sweet that they're still loved-up though.

Are they child-free then? I suspect that one reason they don't host family gatherings (presumably with lots of children running around) is because when you're child-free and don't have a child-proof home, it is immensely stressful when many children are running around it. Speaking from experience!

He will casually call me a bitch or a cow too. He doesn't bring me joy and I don't appear to make him happy. Can't afford to leave though.

I would book a hotel and spa for the night and say enjoy your family .

"
He will casually call me a bitch or a cow too. He doesn't bring me joy and I don't appear to make him happy. Can't afford to leave though"

OP, this is very different to your original post.

So this is not actually about one weekend and your BIL but the fact that you no longer love him enough to make compromises for him.

It's not sweet, it's gross. He strokes her head like a cat and they rub each others legs whilst talking to people.

Yes it does feel like this post is gradually unravelling more than I originally posted about...

The term 'fuck you' is not the issue IMO.

The issue is you and he disagree about visitors and you're expected to do additional work for his hosting. You've also been rude about his family, but it sounds like you have good reason not to enjoy the visits. He then escalated by dragging your family into it.

It sounds a bit of a mess all round, 'fuck you' is a distraction.

OK, well, your other big problem is that neither of you in this marriage like each other then.

The only fix to that is leaving. Other women will have better practical advice on that.

This is a pretty normal and acceptable level of PDA though. I'm absolutely not a PDA type of person and even I've done these sometimes.

This is a DH problem tbh..not your guests. I think he just wants them there so he can have a piss up and you clean up the messes.
Let your DH have his family round but you can make plans for yourself... cinema..lunch out etc.
Also any mess made whilst you were out, he cleans up..dont touch it

Fuck you is utterly disrespectful and I wouldn’t want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t respect me.

OP, this sounds like a miserable marriage to a horrible man. Even the verbal abuse is not trivial. It sounds as if he has no respect for you, let alone love. It doesn't sound as if it's something you can heal by talking it through. I wouldn't stay.

You don't mention children. If you have DC, do you want them growing up in this toxic atmosphere, hearing their mother being abused ? If not, you can leave without any ties.

You say you can't afford to leave, OP. But can you afford to stay? Consider your mental health and wellbeing, your self-esteem, your ability to enjoy life. This marriage must be grinding them down. And there isn't an end in sight if you stay with him. He's not going to suddenly change.

I'd rather live in a bedsit.

This really isn't about your ILs, is it, or the argument about them staying?

Would you like to leave?

If so, why not re-post, laying out your circs and what's stopping you practically and people will be able to advise much better than adding to this thread as others will just keep responding to the original question.

I think that’s a hateful way for a husband to speak to his wife, or vice versa.

Have a discussion. Have a row. But ‘fuck you’? That’s just nasty. I can’t imagine saying it to anyone, let alone my partner.