Choosing work over family

[Scrambledeggplant]

Me and dp have been together since 2016. He's self employed and we have a 15m old. Recently, I'd say for the last year he's started to become distant. He's absorbing himself in his work. There's a client on the phone pretty much all hours. I told him how I'm hurt and upset that we haven't done anything as a family (go out somewhere not just a trip to the supermarket) since LO was 2 months old. So a whole year since he's made time for us. We never see him, like literally. I broke down today and asked if we'll ever be a priority and he replied with a blunt "no". He's so incredibly stubborn and is the sort who wont listen to what he doesn't want to hear. But I'm finding it so hard to let go for some reason. I can't remember the last time he touched me which makes me so sad thinking about.

Will it ever get better? I just feel so lost..

I'd say no, it probably won't get better, because he's not prepared to acknowledge any problem or communicate about it.

It won’t get any better. The only thing that will change is that you will get more and more broken from the neglect.

Unfortunately @Scrambledeggplant my exh was the same, we split up due to him not showing me and his two dcs any attention.

So many other people, groups & sports came in-front of us.

So sorry you went through this too. Could I ask did there turn out to be a OW involved? I'm not jumping to conclusions yet, but it's starting to cross my mind what if he's found someone else. But my anxiety is on overdrive, making me question and overthink every little thing at the moment

How are your household finances? Is he working relentlessly to keep a roof over your heads or his business solvent? Are things comfortable enough that he could afford to cut back his workload/take on an assistant to help?

Or is he just a workaholic who's doing it to avoid family life?

And if he's working all hours, when do you think he could fit in an affair?

We live with his parents, in a seperate outbuilding. finances are kept seperate. It's not a "typical" relationship where finances are 50/50, but it's the way it's always been for us and he isn't interested in changing it. He doesn't split his money or anything. I pay for all of LOs clothes and toys. Sometimes he might put in £20 towards the weekly shop (90% of which is mine and LOs food/nappies etc). I don't like to discuss finances with him as I know it'll cause an argument and he'll win as usual. I think he's likely doing it to get away from us. He makes time to sit with his parents in the morning and evening, while we sit waiting for him to return home

Sounds like you'd be better off financially if you split. He's paying zero towards his own child!

Go back to work and make your own independent life. This is grim for you.

Oh dear, that does sound a pretty terrible situation - he's choosing to go and be in his parents house next door over spending time with you and DC? Did he even want children?

I can see why he would work all hours if he is saving for a deposit to buy you all a home, That would make sense. But doesn't explain the fact that he ignores you.

Have you returned to work since having little one? If you aren't married you are very vulnerable and have no security, living at his parents.

This sounds awful.

Is he a farmer?

He wasn't a planned baby, but he stuck around regardless. He's a good dad to LO, gets him to sleep every night and plays with him, takes him for walks on the rare occasion he is home. They do have a special relationship for sure, and I feel if I left I'd ruin it for LO as I grew up fatherless and it was a struggle accepting it

He's a tree surgeon, but does the occasional farm work and fencing. I suppose they're all the same really!

No I'm currently on disability, but have been planning on starting a business from home. Marriage has always been a big no-no for him. Went into the relationship with the agreement of 3 years max and I want a ring or I'm out, having wasted many years on other dead end relationships. Years went by and he's saying he's not ready, or it isn't what he wants

I asked about farming due to the hours, outbuilding and seeming very enmeshed with parents- wondered if there is a farm or other family business he is putting his all into as destined to take over - but sounds like not.

OP, he clearly isn't interested in getting married, you have no intimacy, the relationship is making you unhappy, you are unable to discuss finances with him and you have no security of tenure as you are, so you need to make a decision that is best for you.

Don't let any more years drift by.

Can you go and stay with your own mother and say l am not coming back unless there is a big change: proper family and proper sharing of money. I don't think he will change but it is one final wake up call for him. Failing that stay with your mom as he is a useless father and useless partner.

I don't have contact with my own family for numerous reasons, so I have nowhere else to go. Unless I pay for a hotel room, but I don't really see where that'd get me as I'd still need to go home eventually. We're sleeping separately at the moment and I think he rather likes it, so I don't think going away would bother him at all. In fact he probably wouldn't even notice 😂

Dear OP I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
Reading your replies to our questions is very sad.
Very simply he appears to not be that into you.
So your choices are that you settle - you accept the situation fro what you know it to be or you get out.

Personally I like my partner to sleep with me, pay for stuff - not all stuff but some and spend time with me.

I would prefer that too, but at this point I'm happy just accepting his crumbs. I asked why is he OK with me staying with him if he isn't into me, and he said there's nothing wrong. I then asked if he can see how much he's hurting me and he said it's my problem and not his. I've always told him if he ever stops loving me if he could just let me know, and he agreed that there's no point in carrying on a dead-end relationship. My eldests dad suddenly blocked me out of the blue, and I haven't seen or heard from him since. But atleast I knew where I stood. Where as I don't know where I stand this time round

OP I think your feeling that there might be another woman is absolutely spot on.

"There's a client on the phone pretty much all hours."

You say he's a tree surgeon?! Why on earth would he need to be speaking to a client at "all hours"?! You go out, do the job, finish, get paid and go home! I know a couple of tree surgeons (we live rurally) and I can say with absolute confidence that they don't need to be "on the phone to clients" at all hours! Would also explain why he is sat next door with his parents so he can text without being watched....

My brother is a tree surgeon. He runs his own business. He's busy year round and always booked up weeks and often months in advance, his business is booming.

You know what though? He has set hours and works Monday to Friday and any work on the weekend is delegated. My brother has 6 kids by the way and is a very involved father.

Your partner is either a crap tree surgeon or a crap businessman as well as being a crap human being.

Please work on your self esteem and get the hell away from him.

Well, he's been clear.

Given the circumstances - unplanned baby and he's stuck around to be father and is housing you but not paying towards the baby, it seems likely he feels a sense of duty towards the baby but it's unlikely he feels that you are all a "real" family.

There may or may not be an OW.

Do you have the ability to move out and start making a life for yourself? It seems very unlikely in the circumstances that he will ever prioritise you.

I think he’s been pretty clear with where you stand. You’ve asked him if you’ll ever be a priority and he answered “No”. What more would you need to know?

It’s not really a partnership is it?

I would cut your losses and leave now tbh.

My DH has worked super long hours, weekends and holidays etc. But, he did the morning school run when DC were young because he wanted to spend time with them. Used to call me between his meetings and we’d meet up for a quick coffee.

Now the DC are grown up he wants to visit them roughly every quarter and pays for train tickets for them to visit us and other family.

As your partner has told you that you aren’t a priority I’d say he’s told you who he is and how he sees you. That won’t change. In your situation I would say prioritise yourself and your child.