Just ended my relationship, handhold please

[PinkCardigan93]

Been together 4 years. I've just ended the relationship and already want to call him back.
Please help me stay strong... Anyone. I feel in shock. I want to be sick.

You slipped up, don't do it again. He already had zero respect for you, how much do you think he will respect you when you show him that he can have you back with a click of the fingers after everything he's done.

He will only get worse.

I don't know what the goal is. Yesterday I feel like I had to put a firm boundary down. He showed to not care for my feelings, disrespected me and then tried to blame me for my feelings. So I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him if he felt that way about me. I felt like he didn't care about me / love me.

I do love him, despite a lot of his flaws. I feel confused. My friend thinks it's the result of being gaslit and I should stick to my guns.

He's text asking how I am and says he feels really low. He's putting kisses on the text. My friend thinks he's trying to 'worm' back in.

I would have a reattempt at CONVERSATION with him about the conflict yesterday and see if we could readdress it - that he could reflect, understand my feelings... Say sorry.

Do I give him the chance to do that? If so, should it come from him.

I'm rubbish at this aren't I. I don't know how to feel or what to do. Every so often though I feel like 'but your single now, you don't owe him a response' and I feel so relaxed and free.

So you didn't want to end the relationship then? You just wanted to get a reaction out if him. To try force him to prove you are important to him.

The thing is, he is who he is. He'll make all the right noises now and actually seem like he has changed. But it will only be temporary because he will revert back to who he is when the dust settles, and you'll be back where you started. You know who he is. It isn't what you want.

Listen to your friend.

Tell him you need a week to think. Ask for space. That way you’ll know the reason he isn’t texting because you’ve asked him to.

Then have a real think. This is the best your relationship will ever, ever be. Is it what you want? Imagine adding kids/financial stress/ageing. Will it last or are you delaying the inevitable.

I've had several long term relationships in my life and was devastated when each one ended, even when I ended them. You think you’ll never love again.

Now I look at my fucking epic husband and think “THANK FUCK” I didn’t compromise out of fear or panic. We have a partnership. I fancy him. He’s incredible.

If I were you I would sit with your feeling and accept they hurt, but don’t let them push you in the wrong direction. Take a pause so you aren’t just reacting to pain.

Keep breathing.

Also - read this thread. This user is the queen of not replying.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text

What are the 22 things? How old are you guys? It depends, he may change from coasting after a conversation. It depends on what he has done, big things then no…

@coldcallerbaiter what do you mean by coasting?
The 22 things aren't things I have wanted to leave him for - I just didn't sleep last night and made a list of all his faults to concentrate on..

The thing that made me break up with him was an argument that escalated last night. I was angry and upset and he was not willing to hear out or acknowledge my feelings in any shape or form. It was a moment I needed to feel his support and reassurance and instead he was cold. I then found out he purposefully ignored some phone calls I had made to him on account of him finding me annoying, and realised I didn't want to be with someone who felt that way towards me.

The thing is, he's not normally like that. He's normally very kind. Yesterday he wasn't, I've never experienced him like that, and I felt like I couldn't be with someone like that.

If he's contacting me could he be feeling remorseful / realised he's been a dick, and be in a better position to revisit the conversation?

Or am I just being desperate and afraid of being alone? This is horrible, I just don't know.

He has text asking how I am and saying he feels very low. He is putting kisses on his texts etc

@BigBrotherDoesntKnowWhatACelebrityIs thank you so much for your words. I think I do need space, to figure out how I feel. I am so confused.

Of course he wants to come back. Where else is he going to find someone who will put up with 22 annoying things?

Tell him you don't want any contact for a month. In that time go out with friends and get some exercise and try to have a really good time. Then work out if you miss him.

@PinkCardigan93

Can we have a bit more context as to where he was or was he doing something to not answer your five calls yesterday that was important?

I know you said your anxious and was worrying and needed reassurance but is that something that happens quite a lot in your relationship?
Are you quite needy?

Sometimes your needing reassurance doesn't trump what he's doing or needing at that time and no I'm not a bloke nor do I tolerate shitty man behaviour but just trying to see a clearer picture as in is it a regular thing that you need him ?

Sounds like anxious attachment meets avoidant attachment…do a quick Google and see if anything you read makes sense. Good luck xx

Replying to him isn't going to help. Reading his wormy messages isn't going to help. You are worth more than this, op. You are worthy of being loved by a genuinely lovely, kind person who would never, ever speak to you and treat you how he has done. He has shown you his true colours - HE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE. Move on with your life and stop wasting your days with someone who doesn't truly love or respect you at all. You will be fine - you will get over him and one day you will look back at this close call and think, thank god I never wasted more time with this guy.

@dothehokeycokey I'm not able to get into the context as it's quite outting/specific. I've asked my friends and family if I was being controlling as he described or overly needy. Trust me, I'm putting myself into question and questioning my own judgement. Everyone's feedback is that I wasn't, that my expectations were reasonable, and reflected to me that my needs and feelings are valid.

I do think in this case they are. Between us we have both had moments of insecurity at times in the relationship - not regular - but sometimes hes needed my reassurance and I've given it. Sometimes I've needed him and he's given it.

I think there's a big difference between being a needy person with low self-esteem projecting their insecurities onto their partner, and a partner who genuinely loves, trusts and wants the best for their other half who occasionally has concerns for their welfare. I believe I fall into the latter.

I really don't want to give the context, as the situation is very outting and I know he has family on here.

@ScottishShortie I've read about attachment styles, he's definitely not avoidant as throughout our whole relationship he's not been like this.

He was different yesterday. Cold / checked out / uncaring.

I don't understand why he's even messaged me today.

For fuck’s sake don’t go back. You literally made a list of 22 deal breakers… read them and if you have any sense of self worth, don’t go crawling back to him begging for forgiveness. 😬

It sounds to me like you were just playing games wanting him to chase you. Grow up!