In touch with old flame. Should I chase him?

[Heidi3333]

Hi ladies looking for some advice.
13 years ago I dated a guy for a few months while working in Australia. We both came back home around the same time but moved to opposite ends of the country. We still stayed in touch and he often sent messaged saying he missed me, wanted to see me again etc. After a year of this we both moved closer to each other and met up one weekend. However, when I messaged him afterwards he was quite cold and I never heard from him again. I deleted and blocked him on FB and was heart broken as I felt he’d led me on for ages. He later sent me a few jokey emails and one with his new email address but I ignored them.

Fast forward 12 years and last week I sent him a friend request on fb which he accepted after 1/2 hour and he messaged 5 mins later. He now lives in Portugal but comes back home quite a lot. I don’t know if he is single but I get the impression he is. We had a nice catch up but never made any arrangements to meet up.

Now I can’t stop thinking about him. I was thinking of dropping him a message saying to give me a shout if he finds himself in my town. Or should I just leave it and wait for him to message me again? He doesn’t know I’m single and to complicate things I’ve a recent FB post of me sitting next to a male friend drinking cocktails so it looks v v much like a date!

I would be grateful for Any advice x

We both had kids and most of our dates involved the kids so we had little alone time.

Wait, did you have kids before you moved to Australia for a few months? How old is this guy? The timeline is a bit confusing...

All that's happened is you've got in touch with someone you used to know. Had a nice catch up chat like old friends do. And life goes on. He probably isn't sat crushing on you like you are him.

Let this one go. Chalk it up to one of those 'friends you chat to once in a blue moon' situations and don't pin your hopes on a reconciliation.

No I had kids years after I retuned from Australia. I had fertility treatment to have them. He isn't the father.

I'm 48 and he's 41.

Thanks for the replies.
I think I'll keep the channels of communication open between us but I don't expect anything to happen.

Being back in contact with him has messed with my head.

Being back in contact with him has messed with my head.

You've answered your own question.

I can't stop thinking about this guy 😭.

I had a weak moment and messaged him last week. He replied straight away but dropped quickly out of the conversation.
He now lives in Portugal but is coming home (near me) tomorrow for a bit before he flies back home. He didn't ask to meet up.

I'm not going to message him again and can tell he obviously not interested so how can I stop obsessing over him. Should I delete him off Facebook? I'm worried if I do that then he will never contact me again.

Im kinda regretting getting back in touch with him.

It sounds like he does not bring any mental peace to you. If you delete him and sever the connection routes you will grieve but then you will slowly see that there is nothing to do but move on. He has not shown any desire to be with you, he has only ever responded to your desires.

You barely had a relationship of a few months with a guy 13 years ago, you either need to really grow up or go and get some therapy because you obsessing over him is not normal.

As you've been told many many times on many many threads.

Delete him off your Facebook. I think it will give you more peace.

Think of your relationship with him like a nice memory. You met someone abroad many years ago, you had a nice time and a good connection. You can still remember him fondly, but don't contact him again.

Address this as obsessive thinking rather than a potential romance, because that's what it seems to be. Get the help you would seek if you started obsessing about anything else that was clearly not going to happen.

This isn't potential with an old flame, it's intrusive thoughts that you are not in control of, deal with it as such.

Thanks for the replies.

I realise I sound obsessive. Being back in touch recently that has triggered my old feelings again. I've not been like this for the last 12 years!

I think I will eventually delete him off FB as I realise he's not interested in the same way I am.

I don't know if you have had any therapy, but it might be a good idea.

I know it's easy to picture a nice fantasy relationship in your mind.

The reality is that this man has never shown, with his actions, any real interest other than the few sexual escapades you had with him all those years ago.

Hi I did get some therapy about him 12 years ago but could probably do with some more! You are right, he has shown minimal interest and I think I may have built up some sort fantasy relationship in my head.

Don't double message him. You've just tracked him down on Facebook after thirteen years, and he now knows how to find you if he wants to.

This is what my Gran would say, and she was always right about this sort of thing!

What on earth made you get back in touch with him after 12 years? Sorry OP, but that was a terrible idea. Always remind yourself of why you deleted someone in the first place.

I've been going on dates with a new guy but I don't really fancy him. This had triggered me to think about my old flame as we had loads of attraction. Contacting him seemed a good idea at the time. Kinda wish I hadn't bothered now. 😣

Sounds very much like he is in a serious relationship or married. Otherwise, going on past form, he may have tried to meet up with you if over here, even if just for a no strings sex session, but as he seems to have been pulling back from your conversations, he probably has someone.

I woukd not chase him

Oh OP don’t contact him anymore. He knows you like him and you’re interested in him. If he reciprocated your feelings, you’d know.

The worst thing that could happen now is for him to flirt with you. You will end up heartbroken.

He doesn’t feel the same way OP or he would have told you. You have put him on a pedestal of being the one for you. He isn’t.

Stop being such a weak, desperate, doormat. You are 48 not 14.
You are literally setting yourself up to be used and hurt. Never mind not chasing him you should be blocking him and removing the temptation.

You could be right. I never asked if he was single but in the past his messages were very flirty and this time they aren't.

I've been tempted to get back in touch with a guy I thought was the one who got away, after many years. Then I remember that actually he wasn't- he just didn't treat me particularly well and I let him. Don't do it- you're only letting yourself in for more heartache. It wasn't circumstances that got in the way, it was him.

I'd say he's with someone else. Sorry OP