Crap friendship group situation & ‘friend’😭

[Lostandstessed]

I’m looking for some advice about how to handle a friendship situation. Namely how I maintain a friendship group with one person who doesn’t like me.

Let’s call her Maria. Maria and me hit it off when she came to work for our team however she left 6months later because she hated my boss. This happens to her in every job.
A friendship group developed between me, Maria and our three friends. people would assume we’re the closest Because we message all the time.

I thought we had a close friendship However
I’ve realised maria is very black or white, you’re either amazing or you’re not.

When we first started being friends I did feel a bit uncomfortable because she sent me loads of messages saying I was amazing, that she adored me etc and I just kinda ignored it. In hindsight there is no in between with her…you’re either amazing or you’re shit.

For example she still won’t stop slagging off my boss (4 years after working for her for a few months) and will bring up every time I see her ‘why do you still work for that bitch’ she also told me off for inviting certain people to my wedding and keeps asking in front of others ‘why the hell dis you invite xxx’
I just find her over powering /subtly controlling and unable to accept that other people have different experiences.
When we went away recently she kept telling me how to look after my dog and what to do. Secretly it got me very upset.
she will also tell me I’m not allowed to do certain things!

previously I had said to Maria I don’t want kids and she really really hates kids so I think in her mind thought we were kinderd spirits and this weird bond because we both didn’t want kids.

Fast forward a few years I found out I was pregnant and her response was asking if I was going to have a termination and my ‘tits will get massive’. Sadly I miscarried. She didn’t give me any support.
I recently told my friendship group I am pregnant and they are so happy apart from Maria who messaged me saying ‘so you were trying then?’ I felt like I had to apologise for being pregnant. I just replied generically.

She hasn’t messaged me since the day I announced I am pregnant (bear in mind she would message me lots of messages everyday). I’m sure she is doing this to ‘teach me a lesson’ and show her disapproval that I’ve lied to her.
She is also ignoring anything I put in the group chat but tagging our other friends and responding to them which she never used to do.

Now here is the thing. I see her for what she is and I don’t like her one bit, the way she has turned on me and how she has constantly picked on me in the last few years. She makes me feels stupid and her subordinate.
I am happy to distance myself BUT we are in a friendship group with other friends. We go away together and are very close but I feel a little bullied by Maria without the other girls having a clue. I’m worried it’ll get so bad I’ll just drift from the group.
I don’t know what to do. The truth is I’m scared of Maria and I am not confrontational person.
I’m also feel vulnerable being pregnant and tired so that isn’t helping.

Should I….
Ignore it all and hope it goes away?
Tell one of my friends in the friendship group?
Or something else?

Once you have your baby things will probably drift anyway so I would leave it

Thanks
I don’t want to drift from my friendship group because I have a baby. One of my friends has a 8 month old and she is still very much part of our friendship group and an integral part of it x

Just ignore it or have a chat with her. Tbh I'm sure the others see it but don't say anything.

Still be around but take no notice. Perhaps spend more time with the friend who has a baby.

If she makes you feel bullied and stupid does she not have the same impact on the others? Are you sure they don't just tolerate her rather than like her?

You won't be going away with her so much once you have a baby and you will meet other new mums to bond with. You might also get closer to the friend with an 8 month old and start to do things with her and bond with her more. The group will evolve and either you won't be bothered so much by Maria or she will drift away.

Good advice! I would suggest the same if a friend had come to me. I think the best tactic is to ignore it and sit it out.
if she doesn’t want a friendship because I lied to her and got pregnant I am probably glad it’s ended.

You’re absolutely right!
I suspect one of my friends does have an insight into her behaviour
it’s weird because she specifically targets me even though we’re meant to be the closest.

The baby will be a good excuse to not see her as much and I will pretend like nothing has happened
I’m very hurt by her and to think I’ve been drop because I decided years later to have a baby.
i find it immature that she can’t just accept peoples/friends choices that have no effect on her

You didn't want kids and then you did. It is fine to change your mind. I didn't used to like rhubarb and now I do. People don't stay the same their whole lives. If she says anything to you again, just remind her of that.

If she is this intensely full on with her opinions and black and white about relationships, I bet the others have noticed...
Just focus on the others in the group, don't get involved with her drama.

Don't let her spoil your pregnancy.

Maria sounds like a nasty piece of work.

It sounds like you have more in common with others in the group. Confide in one of them privately. They probably have similar thoughts.

Let Maria crack in with her juvenile behaviour and pay her no attention. You're going to be a mamma soon!! (congratulations by the way!!) and naturally an empty, toxic relationship, like the one you have with this eejit, will evaporate itself, while you're in a baby bubble of love 😍😍😍😍.

She sounds like she's about 18. How ridiculous and petty. I would just completely detach from her tbh.

She sounds like a massive drama llama who likes being the centre of everyone’s attention. People do grow up and she will get left behind.
Please dont be scared of her, she’s absolutely pathetic

Thanks lovely ladies of MN!
i have read all
your comments and thank you for taking the time out to send a stranger thoughtful and kind responses. I can’t tell you how grateful I am.

shes not a nice person. She’s has quite an unkind, cruel streak and likes to show others she is right. This came out about two year ago and it’s subtle.
there is also an arrogance that she knows best and no matter what you do what she says otherwise you will get her judgement.
its insane.

if she turned around tomorrow and said she was pregnant I’d be delighted for her and not think well on 2019 you said you didn’t want them.

She sounds awful (understatement).

People like this get off on being bitches and upsetting people and she’ll keep doing it if she senses it’s having the desired effect on you.

Do not give her oxygen and be her victim. Completely Ignore her.

What can she do, she can’t force you to react to her nastiness?

Stay in touch with your other friends and cut her out. I’m sure they’ll totally understand and fully respect your decision.

Thank you
I feel so much better for reading your comments.
I think maybe because I please people she has taken advantage and I didn’t realise.

a few weeks back she ordered a dress to my house (she couldn’t get it ordered to hers) and I told it had arrived. She asked if I could open it up and take some pics of it which of course I did, she then went on about the sizing for an hour asking if it was accurate (I don’t know!) so she then asked me to Try it on and take pics etc and then more pics
and I realise now there was no thank you and she just went on and on until I was pretty much giving her a whole bunch of my time dedicated to this one dress she needed to try on.

You will naturally drift apart when you have your baby. I've seen it happen loads of times.

Be thankful and relieved that she is ignoring you OP. She’s done you a favour.

From now on I would ignore any messages from her to just you individually and absolutely would not be meeting up with her.

The others probably can’t stand her either.

You can message the other friends individually. For instance the friend with a young baby, you can ask to meet up just the two of you for baby advice etc.

💐

I think you were naturally drift apart a little and maybe gravitate towards the woman that already has a child.

She’s definitely done me a favour. In the group chat I’ll be totally normal and I won’t be messaging her anymore, her loss.
her understanding and view of friendship is not mine and I wouldn’t drop a good friend if they got pregnant.
putting such harsh stipulations on a friend is never going to work.
I also won’t say anything to any of my friends about it and I’m sure once baby arrives I won’t have time for anyone who wants to play games or be hurtful.

saying all of that it’s super hurtful and I feel like she never had much respect for me 😓

I expect the group will drift apart, or she will drift off anyway, now that you and one other of them will have babies. She sounds awful and if the price of your other friends is to have her in the group, I'd go off the whole group, I don't like mean people and the fact they tolerate this a bit (as they must know what she's like and how she slags off your boss) would make me value them less anyway, meet up with anyone you particularly like out of the remaining people and build a friendship with them.

I didn't mean that people always drift off when they have babies, I meant more that Maria doesn't like babies or pregnant people, so her tolerance for half the group having them will be low and the things you can do will be very different, and so naturally an end will come to the existing group in the current form.

Sounds a lot like borderline personality disorder. Keep a safe distance.

You didn't LIE. You just thought one thing at a certain time and it changed. You're entitled to change your mind and lifestyle as you see fit. It's really none of her business. Congrats on the baby x

She reminds me so so much of a colleague / ex friend who no longer speaks to me or even makes eye contact at work

this is such a great point! I didn’t even think of this. If 50% have babies then she’ll not be able to tolerate it or she’ll have to suck it up.
she sent me a really disparaging message a few months back (I’d just had a miscarriage) showing me a pic of a newborn baby card from her relative. She said it was pointless and what did they want from her. She was angry they’d sent her a card and slagged off the mum for wasting time and money….but our friend did the same thing….sent a lovely card of her newborn 🤷‍♀️
so I realise i won’t be doing that with her.

another thing is my friends in the friendship group we all work for the same company whereas Maria has moved a far bit away.
I’m the link between her and them and everyone assumes we are besties so it’s a weird of her when she’s as close to the other girls ie messaging them all the time and confiding in them to then cut me off