Crap friendship group situation & ‘friend’😭

[Lostandstessed]

I’m looking for some advice about how to handle a friendship situation. Namely how I maintain a friendship group with one person who doesn’t like me.

Let’s call her Maria. Maria and me hit it off when she came to work for our team however she left 6months later because she hated my boss. This happens to her in every job.
A friendship group developed between me, Maria and our three friends. people would assume we’re the closest Because we message all the time.

I thought we had a close friendship However
I’ve realised maria is very black or white, you’re either amazing or you’re not.

When we first started being friends I did feel a bit uncomfortable because she sent me loads of messages saying I was amazing, that she adored me etc and I just kinda ignored it. In hindsight there is no in between with her…you’re either amazing or you’re shit.

For example she still won’t stop slagging off my boss (4 years after working for her for a few months) and will bring up every time I see her ‘why do you still work for that bitch’ she also told me off for inviting certain people to my wedding and keeps asking in front of others ‘why the hell dis you invite xxx’
I just find her over powering /subtly controlling and unable to accept that other people have different experiences.
When we went away recently she kept telling me how to look after my dog and what to do. Secretly it got me very upset.
she will also tell me I’m not allowed to do certain things!

previously I had said to Maria I don’t want kids and she really really hates kids so I think in her mind thought we were kinderd spirits and this weird bond because we both didn’t want kids.

Fast forward a few years I found out I was pregnant and her response was asking if I was going to have a termination and my ‘tits will get massive’. Sadly I miscarried. She didn’t give me any support.
I recently told my friendship group I am pregnant and they are so happy apart from Maria who messaged me saying ‘so you were trying then?’ I felt like I had to apologise for being pregnant. I just replied generically.

She hasn’t messaged me since the day I announced I am pregnant (bear in mind she would message me lots of messages everyday). I’m sure she is doing this to ‘teach me a lesson’ and show her disapproval that I’ve lied to her.
She is also ignoring anything I put in the group chat but tagging our other friends and responding to them which she never used to do.

Now here is the thing. I see her for what she is and I don’t like her one bit, the way she has turned on me and how she has constantly picked on me in the last few years. She makes me feels stupid and her subordinate.
I am happy to distance myself BUT we are in a friendship group with other friends. We go away together and are very close but I feel a little bullied by Maria without the other girls having a clue. I’m worried it’ll get so bad I’ll just drift from the group.
I don’t know what to do. The truth is I’m scared of Maria and I am not confrontational person.
I’m also feel vulnerable being pregnant and tired so that isn’t helping.

Should I….
Ignore it all and hope it goes away?
Tell one of my friends in the friendship group?
Or something else?

She is not a nice person and I would definitely confide in 1 of the friendship group to start with. They probably all see it.

It’s extreme behaviour and it’s sly but also bizarre as if you have to be this way, the way she wants it to be or else you’re shit on her shoe 🙄

I can’t believe I have been made to feel like a liar

so I chatted to her about tracking her cycles, she wants to be sure etc and I suggest ovulation strips to chart her hormones etc I explained how they worked

when I announced I was pregnant in her response ‘so that’s why you were talking about ovulation strips’ in an odd accusative way.

i wasn’t even thinking of it like that. I was just trying to helpful

You're raking over the things she's said and done, when really, you should just move on from it. She has done you a big favour, because it's looking like you might have a tendency to people please, hence you've put up with her for too long and would still be putting up with her bullying if it weren't for her withdrawing.
Normal response here is to breath a sigh of relief and ignore what she does with others, your life will be calmer without her. You may find you were the glue that kept her in the group and she gets fazed out by the rest over time.

I honestly think you need to distance yourself and if you don’t / can’t you need to call her out on her poor behaviour. Simply things like ‘that’s not kind’ etc. she is bonkers and really or a horrible individual. I would not engage with her on a one to one and stop pandering to her ridiculous requests (the dress being a perfect example!). Good luck OP and enjoy your pregnancy.

I'd be tempted to build an alliance with the others and freeze her out tbh.

Yes to the calling out. I wish I had done this before.

think that’s it in terms of hearing from her again outside our group chat. The day I announced I was pregnant I haven’t heard from her since.

she’s made it really clear I’m no longer good enough for her and I’m over thinking it and worried others will turn on me.

I think I’ll have to confide in one of my friends.

I think in her flouncing and ‘punishing’ you for being pregnant she has done you a great favour! Also that is something you can say factually if anyone asks. “Have you and {shitbaglady} fallen out?’ You can simply reply that ‘she has taken issue with my pregnancy and so I think our friendship has run its course’. Not unkind but factual.

@eish agree, and it was probably going to happen at sometime for some reason.

I feel like I had such a good friend only to realise it was all quite fake and i feel a bit misled.
its very hurtful

Hi everyone

I wanted to give an update (if anyone is interested!).

I ended up message one of my friends in the group and I poured my heart out. She immediately replied telling me she was shocked and so angry with Maria and that I shouldn’t have ever bottled it up and it broke her heart to think I was going through this. She then rang me immediately and spent an hour talking me through it and supporting me. To say she is a fabulous friend is an understatement.

she didn’t once question me or down play my feelings. She listened and supported me.
she said she was furious with Maria and couldn’t believe she had another side and she fully took what I said as the truth.

what my friend did say is that she and our others friend in the group are much closer to me than Maria and if it came down to it they would always always support me and never ever leave me out and always choose me over her. To have this reassurance literally took the weight off my shoulders.

my friend also admitted that she found Maria to be over bearing and have very intense views that were very black and white and this was sometimes difficult to listen to.

she also said that she found it odd that Maria hasn’t said anything to me in the group chat about my pregnancy, not even a quick congratulations but assumed she had messaged me individually but she had noticed this was a bit ‘off’.

my friend was shocked and angry that she has privately given me the cold shoulder yet acts ok in the group chat and said she has seen another side to her but that on reflection it’s all falling into place. To have this validation was what I needed.

i then sent my friend the screenshots of Maria asking me will I ‘nip it in the bud’ ie have a termination. And a few other brutal comments with Maria’s caveat ‘I know it’s insensitive but…’ my friend was fuming and said she knows she’s being insensitive, she even says it yet still sends it you.

anyway my friend was surprised because she and my other friend are not even that close with Maria so to be horrible to me is very weird.

my friend is going to speak with our other friend (I’m not in the country right now) and they’re going to have a think about the next steps.
my friend said let’s get together, the three of us and tackle Maria together.
she said they would think of some ideas and how we can deal with it and if I want to reach out to Maria to tell her I’m hurt then they will help with drafting a message and be there for me.

It made me realise what wonderful friends I have and that Maria isn’t as popular or influential as I thought she was.

Oh, that’s good news! Well done for reaching out!

Thank you!

Thanks for the update! Sounds like Maria just needs cutting out of all your lives.

I'm so pleased I'm glad you opened up.

My other friend has been told and she is raging 😂

I have no idea what the game plan is from her 🤔or does she just think she can be hurtful to one person and the rest of the group won’t find out or care.

both my friends have admitted separately that they have reservations about her and gave examples of when they have felt a bit red flagged by her.

Our group chat is now dead …my friends don’t want to reply to her and don’t know what to say.

my friends are great 😊 they’ve suggested we go for lunch and thrash out the next steps

I think there is an element of arrogance with Maria that this wouldn’t happen OR she wants me to confront her x

I suspect that Maria has a pattern of significant friendship difficulties over time.

Strong advice given everything you've said about her is to try to quietly step away, the three of you, without tackling her. From the indications you've said, she's not going to have the capacity to self-reflect, so she'll take it very badly and likely cause drama. No one needs that.

She might ask what's going on, in which case you'll have to say something. You might be best off saying that you feel that because if her very strong views on pregnancy, you don't feel that the friendship can go much further. She won't take that well either, but it might cause the least level of explosion.

Good luck ... these situations are awful. Much happiness to you and your mini-LostandStressed :)

@DancesWithDucks thank you lovely! Yea I totally agree.
i think my friends want me to call her out but once I chat it through with them I actually think it’s better to not try and confront her. It won’t change her nasty streak.

shes had a bit of drama with her old house mate which turned very toxic. One of my friends today said she always thought it was odd how out of hand that friendship went.

in the four years I’ve known her she’s had four jobs which she has always always hated and never gets on with the role. She thinks she too good for it all.

but yes, I don’t really want to engage with her x