ExH in house - hit himself

[whistablenative]

I am Divorcing. ExH is sometimes here as we have two disabled young people (19 & 16) & it has been easier for him to see them here in 2 yrs since separation.
He's been away for the last month & I realised I felt SO much more relaxed.

He turned up this morning offered to walk dog which he did. (I have had a sudden worsening of my own mobility difficulties so it is very helpful atm).
He said 'happy to help with any other small jobs' (he never has kids at all so that didn't seem unreasonable to me so I asked him if he could rotate some laundry).
He ignored me & went off to do something else (this is very typical of him). when he came back I asked about the laundry again & he started hitting his head off a heavy door - 3 times - really suddenly. I appreciate he didn't touch me at all (& 'kids' were nowhere around) but it was quite violent & he stormed back out (with dog). I can't change the locks as the Divorce is not yet through but I don't want him back in here as it has really rattled me. Am I over-reacting?

Hi OP, you will get very well informed advice by moving your thread over to Relationships.
Sounds awful, but no real advice here. Just good wishes.

Was it out of frustration, is he mentally unwell or just a bully.

@TraitorsGate - maybe all 3: I don't know?

@GrannyWeatherwaxsBroomstick I'll do as you suggest, thank you x

Urghh what a freak. Don’t let him back in.

We've now moved this to our Relationships topic, as requested @whistablenative - hope that helps.

No, you are not over reacting that sounds like something that would be very upsetting to witness.
Did he say anything?

Thank you @LivMumsnet x

Both our young people have Autism. exH was not at all sympathetic when they were growing up (very impatient, borderline disablist to them). then, 2 years ago, he got an adult dx of ASD & suddenly it's as though the world must revolve around that. He was not violent to me today, just himself, & its probably self frustration but I have quite an (internal) reaction around male violence so I am not sure if I am being unreasonable to ask him not to return. I've also tried to teach my young people that if you are that upset you go into the garden a chuck a plate or something, you don't hit anyone (including yourself)

@qazxc he was very angry & stormed out. He brought the dog back just now & is still angry & has just left. There is a pattern of him being like this whenever I am ill (I've had to have operations when the kids were younger & he would be really horrible around then, or else he would 'walk out' - he finally left in 2021)
As I'm raising 2 young people with ASD I am very sympathetic but equally he does have agency himself & I've had years of this. It's just struck me what a relief it was when he was elsewhere & how quickly that has dissipated how he is back.

He could have been trying to scare you or he could have had a uncontrolled episode.
If it's the former he is trying to bully you by causing fear and distress.
If it's the latter he needs to go to GP and work on coping mechanisms.
But either way I don't blame you for not wanting him on your home until the issue is resolved and you are satisfied it won't happen again.

If he comes back to visit the children don't ask him to do anything, if he volunteers fine otherwise just leave it, that sort of help you can do without.

I had legal advice about changing the locks and the conclusion was that I could change the locks as he lived elsewhere. I wasn't changing the locks to exclude him from his own home even though he jointly owned it as he wasn't resident.

If he lives elsewhere you can change the locks.

Do not let him back in the house!

However, if you find you can't do that yet because of the kids or whatever, please at least get a camera. Do not tell him about it and put it somewhere he can't find it. I worry he'll try and blame you for any injuries he might self inflict. At least you have evidence he's doing it to himself.

Another vote for a camera or two. If he has visible bruises what’s to stop him saying you caused them? ( I wouldn’t put anything past an angry man)
Forget about him doing any jobs, not worth the grief.

I’d log this with the police, tell them you’re frightened. It would be good to have it in the system in case he escalates this weird behaviour or attempts to blame you for any injuries.

I'm sorry to hear this, OP.

I'm reading as my ex did this. Well, he crawled along the floor then smacked the side of his head off the wall several times. He claimed not to remember doing it. It was terrible to watch.

My ADHD husband and DS both head bang, it's quite distressing and very sudden. When he calms down maybe ask him to seek professional attention as to how to deal with these emotional escalations.
My DS has it pretty under control with the support of school.
Good luck but don't allow him to use it as a weapon

I agree with a pp who said you need to mention this incident to the police. At least then if you need to call them again, they will already have something on record.

@Bumblebeeinatree He'd offered in fact he is quite pushy about it. But also then never does what I ask / does it differently, not just 'not to my standards' but would eg put Ds muddy shoes in my bed (all shoes kept in hall) or ignore prepped dinner in fridge & tell kids' Mum is too poorly to cook, chips again huh'
So, it's always been controlling but I've had poor health so it's sometimes been needed (a bed can be changed, a chippy tea is better than no tea after surgery)

@FloofCloud my Ds used to headbang after school. It was one of the reasons I sought professional help for him. But, with exH, it doesn't happen when it doesnt suit him. He was able to hold down a job for 45 years after all. And Ds was never aggressive with me. exH definately scares me at times.

I won't call the Police as DS is really afraid of authority. I called them once when kids were younger & it was so badly handled that I probably wouldn't again.
Cameras is a good idea but tbh I think I will just not let him in again. I am amazed at how quickly my peace has been affected. He was out of the country for a month & within 2 days of him being back I am stressed & seeking advice.
(ie doubting myself, when I really can't afford to do that if I'm to make progress)

I've just discovered my Lawyers have messed up on the Divorce (sent exH papers for the house to go in his sole name, sent Divorce to wrong place to be ratified, & exH retired last autumn & took a lump sum out of the pension pot - I'm in Scotland & this was post signing of initial paperwork). exH did let me know about the letters which is decent on the surface but equally he is always most aggressive when he knows I'm in a weak position. I am but I need to change it.

I would have thought your dc would have been more scared by your exh's behaviour than by you speaking to the police about it. I'm sure you could just speak to them on the phone anyway, and explain about your dc's condition and that a home visit could be problematic. You could still report exh anyway.