TL;DR- Gf is depressed, i love her but its affecting my career and my mental health since 2 years. Cant leave, because scared of what she might do. Help needed on how to break up.
I am 20 years old, and so is she. She struggles with anxiety and depression, and it's becoming overwhelming for me to handle at this point.
I'm not happy. Despite loving her deeply, I find it absurd that I still desire to end the relationship. It has been 3 years of our relationship. We've been in a long-distance relationship for the past two years. It has become increasingly challenging since my family relocated to the city where I attend college.
Our relationship was once beautiful. We laughed, had fun, and shared all of our firsts. we believed we were meant for each other. I always saw myself marrying her someday. However, with the challenges of long-distance and her enrollment in a government engineering college, our relationship has deteriorated. Her sadness consumed her, and over the past two years, she has battled depression. I supported her whenever possible, dropping everything to comfort her when she called in tears. I did this for a year, but eventually, it began to take a toll on me. Despite my love for her, I refrained from sharing my own problems to avoid burdening her further.
These problems affected my friendships as well. After a year of long-distance, things became more manageable. However, once my family relocated, our visits became less frequent, diminishing from monthly to once every three months on average. The relationship became centered around her needs, causing me to feel empty inside. I thought of it as 'as long as she's happy..'
She has experienced episodes of self-harm, cutting herself, etc. It is difficult for me to offer continuous support. As a freshman, I secluded myself in my room, glued to my phone, consoling her constantly. I missed out on a lot of things, but I didnt mind then. I am in 2nd year now, and life has gotten more serious. I cannot always be there for her, and it sucks that it is how it is, no matter how hard i tried.
We used to talk for hours. Now all we talk about is how shes feeling sad or how her college is so burdening and thats it. She has become overly dependent on me, expecting my constant presence and support. if I am unavailable or fail to respond quickly, she becomes angry, frustrated, and more depressed. It feels like Ive been her therapist rather than her boyfriend for the past two years.
I've developed anger issues, mental exhaustion, and erratic behavior as a result. my friends and family notice my suffering at times. I endure anxiety attacks at night, feeling trapped in this relationship. I dread checking my phone, anticipating another plea for attention from her. The relationship's impact extends to my academic performance, my relationships with others, and my social life.
We attempted to seek help, but counseling at her college and online therapy proved ineffective. Despite briefly seeing an expensive therapist, she discontinued sessions due to time constraints caused by college commitments. Which are actually true. Her struggles with college overwhelm her, as she once excelled in school. I've urged her to seek help and we've had big fights about it as well but, she refuses due to her packed schedule. However, I know that if she doesn't improve, neither will I. Her parents know about her condition too, but she refuses to take help from them, as she doesnt want to be a burden.
Small things irritate us now. We have big fights basically on every other topic and she gets pissed at me for the smallest of reasons. Its all very, very bad. And im scared if i tell her all this or leave, itll make her worse than how she already is. or might even end up doing something bad like suicide.
I know now that leaving her is necessary for my career, personal growth, and mental well-being. But how she will cope once im gone. she has only 1 or 2 real friends. I care deeply for her, but my feelings have changed. Text messages from her saying 'I love you forever' and 'Sometimes loving you is the only thing which stops me from killing myself' make me feel trapped.
I need advice! How do I break up? How can I make sure she doesnt feel heartbroken if I tell her all this?
I cry so much with these questions. Her happiness is the only thing i wanted in the world. But I've neglected mine for too long now.