Do you split jobs 50/50 in your household?

[Thunderinsummer]

The recent set of arguments (only argument really) in our house is because I feel like I’m doing the lions share of the housework.

I own my house with 2 children from a previous relationship before DH moved in and we now have a child together. When we were seeing each other it was always here so I cooked here, obviously cleaned and did the washing. But years on I still (in my opinion) do the lions share of the housework.

How do you approach this calmly and what do you do in your house? For example what irks me is DH will say he will do the shopping but I have to create the meal plan for the week, write the list he will then physically go shopping but I will then unpack and do most of the cooking, so although he says he does the shopping he doesn’t do the task from start to finish.

I am currently on maternity leave but it’s a big worry for me once I go back to work. We both work full time the kids have activities, we have hobbies outside the home and I’m just at my wits end because I feel like I do so much.

Not going to help, but I do everything apart from DH’s washing, organising holidays and mortgage/insurance things.

Im a SAHM primarily because he wouldn’t take on any of the things I currently do so I’d be exhausted doing all of it plus working. He earns enough that I don’t have to work and we’re still together so 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not ideal, but my children don’t suffer and I’m not run ragged doing everything.

Does your DH know exactly what’s involved in each task? “Put the bins out” here involves hoovering the drawer they’re in, cleaning each bin inside and out including lid then wiping down the drawer thingy they’re in then putting a bit of kitchen roll in the bottom of each of them to catch the bin juice so they don’t get totally rancid. On the rare occasions my DH puts the bins out, he puts the rubbish in the big bin outside and that’s it. Nothing gets cleaned so when I do it next it’s revolting.

Men can be pathetically, selfishly useless and it drives me mad. Why on Earth should they get away with it? We can’t because if we tried it, no-one would have clean clothes, be fed, do homework, go to extra curricular activities, get birthday cards/presents etc, etc, etc.

Try a spreadsheet/checklist that details every aspect (eg “doing the big shop” includes making sure you’ve got everyone’s favourites things (which involves keeping track of what everyone likes), done a meal plan for the week, checking stock of things used less frequently than weekly, putting everything away in the correct place etc) so he knows what’s expected. Also remind him that when you’re on maternity leave your priority is the baby and not housework so if he wants a pristine house he’ll know where the Pledge is because he’ll have bought some! Maybe also point out there is nothing less attractive than a man who treats his partner like an incompetent employee. Don’t point out what hasn’t been done, go and take care of it!

We have set tasks here. I probably do slightly more because I work four days to DP’s five, plus he works abroad quite a bit when obviously it all falls to me.

Cooking - fairly evenly split, shopping done online and meal plan done on a Sunday
Bathroom cleaning - me
Laundry - me - including ironing
Hoovering - him
Mopping - him
Dusting/polishing - me
Bins/recycling - him
Garden - him
Dishwasher - mainly me but he would get round to it
Cleaning up after meals - whoever doesn’t cook
Changing beds - usually him because it gets done on a Friday and he is WFH then. Before WFH was a thing I usually did it on a Saturday

We argue about housework more than anything else. My attitude is just get it done, DP is an infuriating procrastinator!

We’re 50/50 and a blended family too. It took a couple years to get here. What worked for me was I stopped doing his share of the mental load and physical load after we agreed which chores were for whom and reminding him this was my second marriage and I was not willing to live my life doing all the grunt work and would walk if that was the only option.

I do cooking
He does washing up
He does bins
I do general cleaning of kitchen, floors and bathroom
He does laundry including beds
He does all lifts

Yes 50:50
Although quite often he does way more than his fair share.

Things are different for you now and it’s entirely reasonable to speak up for yourself and stop suffering in silence because it’s clearly going to be far too much for you.

IF he doesn’t pull his weight get him to pay for a cleaner.

I once knew someone and stupidly fell into the role of doing all the domestic chores. He was a lazy slob, so of course he took complete advantage of the situation. Everything became my job because i let it.

Lesson learnt and never in a million years would I ever do that again.

We just split each day as it comes based on what needs doing.

Tends to be one of us entertaining ds2 while one does chores.

DH will do what he can in between meetings at work as he wfh 3 days a week - that helps with reducing the weekend chore list and he's amazing at keeping the never ending mountain of washing moving.

One of us does the shopping list, DH shops mostly though I will occasionally. I tend to hoover/mop though DH will occasionally.

DH tends to do the garden - who am I kidding, DH does the garden!!!

I cook more because while I cook I also prep the breakfast oats and make packed lunches and sweep/mop the kitchen where DH will say he's rubbish at multi tasking the cooking with the cleaning/oats/pack lunches etc. if I do it all while cooking, I don't then get to 9pm and realise I still need to do packed lunches and oats. To be fair, DH is happy to make pack ups in the morning so it's no issue if I don't do them - I just like doing them so it's one thing pass for DH in the morning. He sorts the kitchen for brekkie while I get ds2 dressed.

There's only really the garden that "belongs" to one of us - and to be fair, while he's doing the garden I'm entertaining a grouchy toddler so it's not like he's slaving away while I just put my feet up.

I suppose, reading that back, we have little routines in place that work for us but none of it is set in stone and we both pitch in with everything apart from the garden though we've just bought DH a fancy new mower so he's happy!

We’re probably more 60/40 as I do all the cooking, we don’t have set jobs, if something needs doing one of us will just do it.

In our house, I (husband) tend to do all cooking, most of washing up, kids up, school lunches, school runs to and from, bedtimes, most of play times with the youngest, food shopping, bins and recycling, diy, clean bathroom a few times a week, hoover (mainly after I try and fit in diy a few times a week so hoover everywhere whilst I’m at it), wash clothes if I see basket full, feed dogs, birthday parties and a full time job. I maybe get a break from one or two things 2 or 3 times a month if I’m lucky

Yes we're 50/50.

He tends to do more DIY / gardening / car maintenance, I tend do more housework / laundry. Sometimes we'll work alongside each other (morning in the garden / afternoonon cleaning). We tend to play to our strengths and preferences, but switch if one is ill or away for a weekend. (By that I mean, if I'm away, he'll automatically do the cleaning and laundry etc that I would have done).

We each have areas of life admin we're responsible for.

I cook. He does the pots.

The important thing for us, is that we both get the same 'downtime', rather than who's doing what.

I've lived within someone who was happy to watch me cleaning and mowing the lawn while he read a newspaper. Never again.

What’s the quid pro quo?

We split it. My DH is house husband and I had a serious injury so could do quite a lot less for a while.

laundry - putting on and drying is him, folding and putting away is me.
he does breakfast every day, I do the other meals
he does most of the shopping, all of it when I was in hospital
pick up and drop off 70 him/ 30 me
he does all the car stuff
I do all the home coordination stuff
bulk ordering for cat and for wholesale foods is me
we have a cleaner so we split the main chores of washing up and keeping house generally under control.

i really appreciate having such a kind and helpful partner but I still grumble about the social calendar which is me and needing to nag him about odd jobs and other commitments. He is a good egg.

We both work hard to support the family and do what we can for everyone in it. We agree loosely the jobs that we will take on, but it’s not set in stone or micromanaged. We see ourselves as a team on the same side and never ever point score against each other.

We have set tasks and never discuss/disagree on them as it’s been that way for years.

Every morning my husband empties dishwasher, wipes down kitchen, empties bin and takes the big bin to end of the road if it’s bin day. He then hoovers downstairs. I go around the house each morning and put everything away and have a general tidy up. I put a load of laundry on most days to keep on top of it and I also fold and put it all away. We iron our own clothes.

I order food shopping, my husband collects it as he drives and I don’t and then I put it away. I make all meals except he makes his own breakfast each day and packed lunches for work twice a week. We both stack the dishwasher throughout the day. I leave the kitchen very tidy after cooking I do it as I cook/plate up so it never gets a mess.

Every Sat or Sun morning (depending on his hobbies) my husband does a deeper clean of either upstairs or downstairs (alternate weeks) as I struggle with physical tasks due to a health condition.

We have a gardener and window cleaner.

I look after all admin, bills, finances, bookings, arranging repairs etc. My husband hates gardening and diy so we pay someone to do it (but we’ve lived in a new builds for past ten years so it’s very minimal atm)

I would say in terms of time spent it’s 50/50 but he does a lot more of the physical chores and I do the cooking/laundry/admin. He works full time and I don’t work. He’s very understanding of my health condition.

None

Surely he did his own housework, cooking, meal planning etc wherever he lived before he moved in with you so he is capable of doing these things; he is a fully functioning adult.

I think start with telling him you want a sit down chat about housework and everything that entails. Better to do it this way than ambush him. Start with saying what jobs you want to do because you either enjoy them or can tolerate them. Then ask him what jobs he wants to do.

For meal planning, keep the meal plan list, keep the shopping list and then repeat that week's plan at another time. Do it on an excel spreadsheet and you can print stuff off rather than write it out every time. When the children were young we had a 3 week meal plan with swap outs so some meals were once every 6 weeks. It had a corresponding shopping list where we just stock checked at home. We had a supermarket delivery for that too.

No one is holding a gun to your head for unpacking the shopping and if you don't want to do it then ask him to do it. For lots of things we have a weekly list so bins are emptied on set days rather than waiting until they are full, there is a dishwasher rota too.

There is a system called Fair Play (lots of videos online about it) and it has a deck of cards with things like laundry on but laundry is everything from collecting washing, putting it in the machine, drying it, folding it, putting it away. One task from start to finish. This works for some people but not others. Some divide up the tasks to suit their availability or tolerating some parts.

It’s not regimented and some weeks it’s not evenly split. I initiate lots of things and do most/all of the life admin. But household chores and childcare one of us just does whatever needs doing at that time, then we sit down together roughly the same time of an evening.

We aren’t 50:50 but we are getting there and DH is receptive to making changes. Although I really want him to just notice when stuff needs going he generally doesn’t so it works better for him to have set jobs that are part of his routine.

We have a cleaner so we don’t need to worry about cleaning.

I do the dinner, he washes up and cleans down the kitchen. We sort ourselves out with breakfast and lunch as I work from home. He does breakfast for himself and our child at the weekend as I don’t bother with it. Usually we go out for lunch or dinner at least one day of the weekend.

He does bath and bedtime every night.

We both do the washing, just put in a load when required.

He does bins, cat litter.

Both do DIY and gardening.

I do finances.

DH lived on his own for a long time. Also lost his Mum very young so he does 'see' what needs doing as he had to step up or jobs did t get done. It makes a difference as many people (men and women) leave home without ever having the buck stop with them, that's usually the point at which they learn.

He now does a fair share despite working more than full time hours to my 4 days. He usually does all shopping, bins, ironing, morning breakfast for kids and tidies up after a meal. I do most cooking and laundry. Cleaner does bathrooms, vacuum and cleans floor etc.

I have read the blurb and reviews on fair play but haven’t read the book.

The thing that resonated with me was the completing the task from start to finish. I think that’s what frustrates me. He’ll empty the bin but not put another bag in.

I seem to be getting really mentally overloaded with everything (which is new not like me at all) and it makes me quite resentful at times so I don’t think I’m expressing myself well and it’s coming out as nagging wife. However I just feel really unheard.

Yes this is it. I see things that he doesn’t and it bothers me now (it didn’t before).

Why are you still with her?

50/50 is a nice thing to say but impossible to actually measure (and what would you be measuring anyway... physical effort, mental effort, literal time taken). The OP's example illustrates that perfectly.

For example what irks me is DH will say he will do the shopping but I have to create the meal plan for the week, write the list he will then physically go shopping but I will then unpack and do most of the cooking, so although he says he does the shopping he doesn’t do the task from start to finish.

We don't have a strict division here and will often do all the above together, but very often it goes like this: DP and I meal plan together, I go shopping and unpack, DP cooks, I wash up. That feels 50/50. Unpacking doesn't even feel like a job, even for massive online orders it takes 10 minutes.

But obviously there are lots of other factors. We often batch cook so meal planning is just picking a handful of dishes, not planning every day. But sometimes we'll push the boat out and experiment with new recipes... which in turn makes the physical shopping a bigger job, necessitating multiple shops. (Though these days with supermarket stock issues being what they are just buying basics can necessitate multiple shops.) Cooking can be anything from a weekend-long process to a quick weekday meal.

Yep pretty much 50/50 split here. We both work full time (but I am wfh 2 days a week):

Food shopping - me
Cleaning (hoovering, dusting etc) - me
Laundry - me
Cooking - him (I will do it when I have been wfh that day)
Washing up - him (he loves it - honestly I'm not even joking!)
Bins - him
Cleaning cars - him

Garden - both
Dogs - both

Pretty much all of the general "life admin" (making plans, sorting dogcare, booking appts etc) is down to me whereas he picks up anything relating to the house, DIY, cars etc. I think it's a pretty even split??

He’ll empty the bin but not put another bag in this is key, don't put a bin bag in yourself, he has to do that. He knows you will complete the job so stop doing it, you are not nagging if you have to repeatedly remind him to do something because if he did it then there would be no need for you to comment. I bet his boss doesn't have to remind him to complete tasks or tell him what he needs to do each day.