Do you split jobs 50/50 in your household?

[Thunderinsummer]

The recent set of arguments (only argument really) in our house is because I feel like I’m doing the lions share of the housework.

I own my house with 2 children from a previous relationship before DH moved in and we now have a child together. When we were seeing each other it was always here so I cooked here, obviously cleaned and did the washing. But years on I still (in my opinion) do the lions share of the housework.

How do you approach this calmly and what do you do in your house? For example what irks me is DH will say he will do the shopping but I have to create the meal plan for the week, write the list he will then physically go shopping but I will then unpack and do most of the cooking, so although he says he does the shopping he doesn’t do the task from start to finish.

I am currently on maternity leave but it’s a big worry for me once I go back to work. We both work full time the kids have activities, we have hobbies outside the home and I’m just at my wits end because I feel like I do so much.

I do absolutely EVERYTHING bar his washing.
I do the shopping, finances, cooking, cleaning, bins, driving and everything to do with our two kids. Oh and I work full time too.

It's utterly depressing!!

I work on 4 days per week. I do more household jobs than DH, he works full time and is in academic teaching and research so long days with evening commitments and trips away. I used to do same but am now admin and more committed to the idea of retirement soonish.

He does, all the cleaning, some shopping, some cooking, some admin, some gardening, loves washing up.

I do, all the washing, most of the admin, most of the cooking, 75% of the shopping.

Being the one who writes lists and meal plans etc. does not bother me. We discuss what meals I am planning. Being the one doing the planning means I can quietly veto the things I’m less keen on or put them off for a bit. I’m not wild about whole steamed fish or risotto. He does a weekend market shop so the fish purchase can be a bit catch of the day but he does understand enough about shopping to get appr veg accompaniments. He’s also definitely up for picking up the odd thing on the way home.

I would say we are usually 50/50 although at the moment DH is easily doing 95% of everything though as I’m heavily pregnant so he has picked everything up.

We probably don’t typically seem like 50/50 in terms of housework but as a whole across the bigger picture we are 50/50, I do more of the cleaning/tidying housework, but DH does all of the car admin/cleaning, he does most of the gardening, he does most of the DIY. So if you just looked at housework then yeah I probably do more, but if you look at all of the “tasks” we have we are equal.

I don't think it works to literally split things 50/50, me and DH contribute equally to household stuff and kids but do different things and some days one does more than the other - it's not competitive it's give and take, sharing, holding the load for the other when needed etc so the demands don't all just fall on one of us.

I have managed to divide the household tasks evenly. My luck was that my husband has always been willing, just never learned to tend to a household properly. The main problem was that he could be standing in the middle of a complete mess, and not even notice what needed to be done to get the house clean again.
It took us years and years of communication, lots of patience and believing that we both did mean well and wanted to be the best for each other. We just didn't know how.

I did manage to find good words metaphors at one point to help my husband understand my point of view. I usuallly point out that:
In order for me to let go of a task, I need to know that he will do all the following:

• realize when a task needs doing without me pointing it out,
• plan the task at a suitable and realistic time,
• make sure we have the neccessary supplies for this task and if not, provide them beforehand,
• execute or delegate the task when it needs to be done,
• check whether the task has been executed properly
• and repeat.

I've also told him that if he fails to do one of these items properly, that means in the end, it's still my task and I can't let to of it. Meaning I have to combine all of my tasks, all of the childrens tasks, and also carry all of his tasks. Meaning my mind never has a moments rest. It's emotional labor. Even when he's the one executing the task because I've asked him, I need to keep tabs on everything and it's exhausting. I actually pictured this by taking a box of playpen balls from our children and started dividing them. Every time a task was fully his, he got a ball. And every time a task was mine, I got a ball. I ended up with 27, he had 3 (mowing the lawn, car maintenance and home improvements). Then I told him that we now needed to start juggling, and asked him which one of us had it easiest. That was a wake-up call. He's been proudly commenting now whenever he's taken a ball out of my hands and added it to his list of tasks.

I do;
Pets, bathrooms, meal plan, shopping, most of the cooking, ironing, laundry away, bills, bins and dog walking.

He;
Hoovering, washing up and booking holidays.

I work PT and he FT.

This balls idea is a really good visual representation!