Online dating/sleeping with numerous people at once..

[givemesomewine]

Hi,

So I've been on 5 dates with a guy through online dating.
They've all been lovely dates, we get on so well..
so we had the conversation about whether we are dating others..

He is dating others, which I'm okay with at the moment as it's very early days.
However, I asked if he's also sleeping with others and he said 'I'm not sleeping with all my dates, no' soooo.. he's sleeping with some? One? Nearly all of them? There might be 1/2/3 there might be 10 I have no idea.
So now I feel I'm just a number.. he said the other dates he's been on don't compare to ours, and that he genuinely has a lovely time with me but it's too soon to be exclusive.. to which I agree but maybe telling me what I want to hear?

I know some men and women see sex differently, but for me I can understand going for a drink with someone and establishing if are interested. But sleeping with numerous women.. hmm.. to get to that point of intimacy the date must of gone just as well as ours do..

I'm new to this old..
I'm thinking of telling him I don't want to continue as I can't seem to understand how our dates are any different to the other women he's dating, surely by 5 dates in you're just taking the p*ss sleeping around still.. or whether to continue dating but being clear I won't be sleeping with him after him telling me this information, not until we are exclusive if we make it that far.. as I respect myself more than that (also don't want to catch anything thank you!)

But then it might be in the back of my mind if I continue wondering if he's sleeping with others.. gosh I hate dating! But I do really like our time together.

Argh.. don't know what I'm hoping for posting this. Just opinions I suppose as I've never been in this situation.
I knew he would be dating others, but knowing he is sleeping with others has made me a little confused.. I don't know if he plans to continue sleeping with his dates, or if he's slept with someone once and it was a one off.. I don't want to pry as it's his life but I feel it changes things going forward.. but then he might meet someone new next week and do the same.. so again; feeling like just a number.. but men see sex differently?

Whooooo knows.. opinions please!

If that how you feel, then stop dating him. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else. Do what makes you feel comfortable.

Other people may have different views but there is right or wrong answer.

Personally I would hate that. I despair if I have to get involved in OLD 😣

@Hoosemover
Yeah I'm in two minds at the moment about whether to continue or not. It's tough as I do actually really like what I know so far.. but ultimately I don't know how I feel about him sleeping with others. I'm going to have a chat with him and just be honest I think..

Just wanted peoples experiences as to whether this happens often. Not sure if I'm being a bt naive..

My opinion in this is that 5 dates unless they are very strange ones are accompanied with text, conversations etc in between. To me, 5 dates and all the stuff behind them is a very reasonable amount of encounters to know if someone wants to progress the relationship forward or not.

He has told you that is very early to be exclusive and that wouldn't sit very nicely with my opinion. I'm inclined to think he likes more to flirt around and have his cake here and there instead of take the time and the effort to know you well.

I think mostly people just don't talk about it. Some people dating will already have a FWB but won't mention it because they are looking for a relationship and that's just sex

Sexual compatibility is important though, so it's something I'd always try before I committed to being exclusive with someone

@WinkyTinky yeah I'm not the biggest fan 😔 one minute I think 'right it's very early days of us dating, so what will be will be' but then next minute I think 'ew, that makes me feel strange and like a number knowing he got to the same level of intimacy with others'

And certainly in between our dates moving forward, if I stop sleeping with him and he's sleeping with others I think I'll just feel weird.. what a shame.
I really liked where things were going with him but this has made me feel odd :(

Definitely be upfront with him.

I met my partner via online dating, we clicked straight away. No way could I have slept with anyone else even after date nr 1, and he felt the same way. If he had been sleeping with other women at that time I would not have seen him again.

You can't help how you feel, and how you want to be treated.

Don't put up with this shoddy behaviour, yuk.

If this situation isn't for you then don't continue to date him, he wants to casually date so take it for what it is. I think quite honestly he doesn't want to settle down or at least hasn't found anyone in particular he wants to be with, it's never too soon to decide you like someone enough and pause dating others while you see how things go exclusively. You can't change him but you can decide what's best for you.

Do this:
continue dating but being clear I won't be sleeping with him after him telling me this information, not until we are exclusive if we make it that far.. as I respect myself more than that (also don't want to catch anything thank you!)

I would want exclusivity before I had sex with someone I think. Nothing wrong with that, seems like a good, clear boundary to me

There’s been a few threads recently about similar dilemmas.

I think that if someone is looking for a serious relationship, and the other person is NOT looking for a serious relationship, then it’s time to walk away (even after only about 5 dates). Especially if the other person has admitted to sleeping with other people, which would give me very serious ick.

So OP, you would be perfectly justified if you called it a day with this man. You never know, he might agree to being exclusive when he realises what he’s losing.

From experience I wouldn’t trust the “The other dates don’t compare to ours” line. I must have been fed that bullshit many times over the years only to be later ghosted or cheated on. Of course he’s going to tell you what you want to hear, he isn’t going to tell you the other dates are better than you.

Also, whilst a lot of people on here seem to have the idea that it’s ok to sleep around with other people if you’re not ‘exclusive’ or only been on a few dates and just getting to know each other, personally (and again from experience) I wouldn’t trust a man who is already sleeping around with other ‘dates’ even if it is only one of them. To me I’d just feel like a number and how do you know he would actually ‘dump’ these other women? He might tell you he has but what I’ve found, especially with OLD is that many men will keep a supply of women around to ‘sleep with’ and tell them all the same thing - they’re exclusive, they’ve dumped the others and all the rest of the bullshit they like to spin. But then I’ve been burnt so many times in the past. All I’m saying is tread very carefully.

He's just told you he's a player and you're considering..........

Yep that’s kind of what I was trying to say in my post above in a nutshell

the guy sounds a bit of cad and I would call it a day before getting to heavily invested. IMHO

I doubt just dating until he's willing to be exclusive will work. He has a particular mindset that doesn't say 'looking for a relationship'. By continuing you'll just get more attached, and if you do eventually sleep with him you'll know he has recent and direct comparisons and could still dump you after - grim thought.
You already know that at least one of his dates has progressed to sex, so we can assume that others are going well too. I'm sure they are unaware of how nice your dates are too.

@Hoosemover

Completely separately, I don't think I've heard cad being used for a very long time. A bit like rake or bounder! Always makes me think of Terry-Thomas & their ilk.

If the other dates 'didn't compare' to yours, he really wouldn't want to be wasting time seeing them again - he'd want to see you instead.. so that's a line.

I have done a lot of online dating and in my experience those who are multi dating after the first 1 or 2 dates are an absolute waste of time.

If you felt like you'd really connected with someone, would you still be on the apps looking for someone else? I wouldn't. So if someone is still effectively looking for better after 3 dates with me, I'm no longer interested

Also 5 dates isn't too early to be exclusive at all. You wouldn't be asking him to get married - only stop dating others to focus on getting to know one another. It's not a big ask

Agree with this 💯💯💯

I thought the same.

Op, if I were you I wouldn’t carry on dating him. I think at 5 dates you should know whether you like someone enough to pause other dating activities while you get to know them better. I think I was ‘exclusive’ with dp after the 2nd or 3rd date. It didn’t mean some massive commitment but just that we were having sex and getting to know each other.

i would be worried that the guy you’re dating presumably isn’t concerned that you’re still dating other people and potentially sleeping with them, and that shows he isn’t that invested.

I'm old. I won't sleep with someone if I think they are sleeping with others. In your circumstance with this guy I'd say I didn't want to keep seeing him on a non-exclusive basis, thank you.

He's told you he doesn't want to be exclusive, that is important to you so if l were you l'd finish it. I think you would struggle to date him whilst wondering what he was up to with the others he's seeing. He says the others don't compare to you but l expect he says that to all of them too!

Perhaps I'm old fashioned but if I'd had 5 dates with a man (and slept with him?) I'd expect him to be seeing me and only me. I certainly wouldn't carry on dating someone who was sleeping with any other women. How do men/women get away with this behaviour these days, there was no such thing as "not yet exclusive" in my day, it was just called cheating!

I had the same conversation a few dates in with a guy. I wasn't sleeping with him but started to after the conversation, knowing he was seeing others. Within a week or so I told him that this was a very short lived thing from my perspective as I don't find men attractive long term if they aren't exclusive. I guessed if he felt that things were special between us, as he claimed, he'd take action. 2 or 3 weeks later he'd finished things with other people and offered exclusivity.