Is this abusive or not?

[feelinglonely101]

Mine and my partners relationship is highly strained at the moment. My littler girl is super attached to me and he feels pushed out and depressed. I try to help and suggest things but he just gets annoyed at me and says I don’t get it.

I’ve been keeping a diary of things that he says which I think aren’t very nice:

• Says I’m too sensitive, I take everything to heart, not everything is about me or the world doesn’t revolve around me (when I ask if I’ve annoyed him) I just always feel like I’m to blame for his behaviour.

• Says that I can’t take no for an answer when I question something and brings it back to my childhood. Says I was “spoilt” and never told no as a child. Claims I still have tantrums as an adult.

• Asks me why I go on about the same thing, when I bring up how I’m feeling/ about our relationship. Says that it’s boring and do I have nothing else to talk about.

• Asks me why I haven’t left if the relationship is as bad as I make it out to be.

• Never ever compliments me, unless I say “do you think I look nice” or “does this look okay?”.

• When I ask for a photo of us he moans about it and says that he doesn’t like photos.

• Will never ever apologise for making me cry from insensitive comments. He says that he will apologise if he feels that he’s is the wrong. I can count on one hand when he’s actually apologised off his own back.

• Says that I’m difficult to live with because I blow hot and cold.

• Asks me if I ever sit back and think I’m the problem. When it comes to him, family and friends.

• Leaves all the weekend planning to me, anything I suggest he says is boring or we did it the weekend before. But then comes up with nothing himself.

• If I get emotional during an argument he says “stop feeling sorry for yourself” or “stop acting the victim”

• When I recall things that he has said in the past he says I twist his words to make me look better.

• Says that he has started hitting himself instead of retaliating to me

• Says that I play the victim and highlight all the bad things about him

He says that I shouldn’t tell people about our relationship as they don’t care and it’s nobody else’s business. I don’t tell people as I keep it to myself.

I would like to add that I’m not perfect. I have called him names in the past, I’ve shouted, swore and got angry. I just feel anything I do isn’t good enough.

I suggested relationship counselling but he said he would rather end the relationship than do counselling. I understand he’s feeling really down with the lack of affection from our little one, but I’m treading in egg shells constantly.

I feel so confused and question whether I’m the abusive one.

Textbook abuse and it may be that you are retaliating with what is called reactive abuse. It sounds like he can't be bothered with your needs so shuts you down and then turns it round on you, making you feel even worse and like you shouldn't have raised whatever it was you needed. Have counselling but on your own to work out why you are putting up with this from him. I really wouldn't go to counselling with someone like this.

I'm not sure whether it's abusive, but he certainly doesn't sound like a nice man or supportive partner. Is there any way that you could plan to leave? I hope things improve for you

I'm also not sure if abusive exactly, but definitely difficult and hard work.

Thank you for the replies.

I feel unable to leave but I often question if I am being silly. Or if it’s me that is the problem. It’s so difficult. I don’t want our daughter to grow up
around this.

Stay away from anyone who makes you feel like you might be a bad person.

I read as far as 'Says I’m too sensitive' and knew it was a yes. I also think wondering you're a bad person points to that too. Don't worry too much about whether it's abuse or not, he's not a nice person and you would be better off far away from him x

I’m treading in egg shells constantly

I question whether I’m the abusive one

Do you think it's common that the abusive person in a relationship finds themselves constantly treading on eggshells?

To be honest, that's all you needed to write. That's the main red flag in this situation. If you feel you're treading on eggshells, you're not in a healthy relationship. You don't need a whole list of the behaviours causing you to feel that way. All that's relevant is that you feel that way.

I will also add that he seems jealous of your relationship with your DD, and this is indeed a common catalyst for abusive behaviour.

This jumped out at me

”Asks me why I haven’t left if the relationship is as bad as I make it out to be.” You could ask the same of him.

There’s two parts: is it as bad as you make out to be? From your examples, I would say yes.
why haven’t you left? What are you staying for? It definitely won’t get better. It isn’t salvageable.

He has told you he would prefer to end it than work together or for anyone else to know what he’s like. That’s all you need to know.

Felt like I was reading my own diary from years back. Was married to someone who used all those tactics and more.

The reason you need to ask is due to him normalising it to you so this is now so blurred and confusing. Would he act this way towards a stranger? coworker?

It took me several attempts to leave my ex H. He was so good at reeling me back, pretending to have changed, would treat me better, said all the things he knew I wanted to hear. He did not want to loose me, but it did not take him long to revert back to his former put downs and abuse. In the end I sought help from my local womans aid, you can find yours on their website if you are in the UK.

feelinglonely101

Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear.

re your comment:
"I feel unable to leave but I often question if I am being silly. Or if it’s me that is the problem. It’s so difficult. I don’t want our daughter to grow up
around this."

Its not you, its him. Why do you feel unable to leave?. Fear of him, fear of the unknown?. These are but two of many reasons why many women feel unable to leave. You are not being silly at all; you are in an abusive relationship and furthermore he is projecting what is really his own self onto you. Such men do not change nor improve and in time your DD will pick up on all this if she is not already.

If you are serious about not wanting your daughter to grow up around this you need to start firming up plans to leave. I would echo a previous poster's suggestion for you to contact Womens Aid and seek their help.

Sounds like a textbook narcissist to me. Check out some of these people on Instagram: synful
theenlightenedtarget
narcabusecoach

and you’ll probably see many other narc abuse traits in your dp. This can help you realise why you’ll always be in the wrong and he’s always right and help you take steps to leave. Narcissists never change and cause untold damage to their victims. Look at how you are questioning everything and tying yourself in knots asking if you’re to blame. You can bet you’re bottom dollar he won’t be wondering the same about himself.

He's horrible.

Relationships are not an obligation.
Take steps to leave. Dont raise a child seeing their mother treated like shit forever.

Ps: he's jealous of your kid. That makes him a threat to her.

Get rid, ASAP.

Pps: the 'started hitting himself' comments are a threat. He is saying you 'drive him to violence'. So that you think 'what if he will hit me?'. It's intimidation. He's a dangerous man. Get away. Asap.

I wonder if your child is afraid of him, perhaps feels his anger at you both, & that's why they aren't close.

Someone who says they hit themselves instead of... what? hitting you? ... is someone you should RUN from. He sounds very unkind at best.

Yes it is emotionally abusive.

I would suggest you read ‘Why does he do that?’ By Lundy Bancroft - another poster on mumsnet put a free link to the book on a thread a while ago if you can find it. This book confirmed my feelings that my relationship being abusive and helped me gain the courage to go and get support from Women’s Aid that I desperately needed.

How are you doing now@feelinglonely101?

How awful for you to experience this abuse

Without being a fly on the wall, impossible to tell.

It does sound as though you are incompatible.

Also, this.

Wow I thought I had written this myself. I know it’s an old thread but it popped up on active. I hope OP is doing ok.

Also, any sense of "treading on eggshells" is the acid test. Leave!

Still in my relationship, but recently I’ve looked at if I could afford a flat by myself. If we sold the house I could do shared ownership.

My partner has agreed to do couples counselling..

Thank you for updating us! How are you coping? How is your DD?

A flat of your own sounds like a tremendous idea.

Have you seen this pinned thread? I think it’s very good

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

You and your DD deserve so much more than this

I’m okay, but I actually feel that I don’t care anymore and I’m done trying. I’ve been in counselling for a few months, which is helping. I’ve signed up to a 6 week fitness challenge too.

My little one is doing great, she’s so lovely.

I haven’t, but I’ll take a look - thank you!

I feel so guilty for feeling this way, but there are people in work (male and female), who are so kind to me, they compliment me as a person, how I dress etc. I like the attention from one person in particular, but it’s purely emotional. I just wish my partner was like this for me.

Sounds like you’re thriving despite his attempts to erode your self-esteem. Well done! Now you just need to get rid.

However little your DD is she will be absorbing the way he treats you and that will be building her blueprint for future life of what a relationship should look like.

The freedom programme is absolutely brilliant, they have it all over the country for free.

@WallabyJob thank you, I just really wonder, is it me that’s the issue? Is he as bad as I make out to be? He’s really stressed at work, but I know that I deserve to be loved.

I have tried not to let her be aware of when things are tense or if we have words, but I understand they are absorbent. I just don’t want her to hate me when she grows up, if I decide to leave.

What if I make a mistake in that he’s a good person just having a difficult time?