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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is a 10/10 but…

35 replies

cakemiddletonedeaf · 17/03/2024 10:58

We have been together 10 months.

I have low libido probably due to perimenopause and he has ED.

He has been to the doctor’s and investigated and no apparent cause has been found, testosterone levels fine. He took pills a few times and it didn’t work except from one time but it did not last long.

I think he has given up and there is this elephant in the room, we don’t talk about it, I don’t want to be insensitive / put any pressure / fear of making him feel bad.

He is 100% focused on my pleasure from massages to everything else and wants nothing back.

On paper it sounds amazing but sometimes it can get overwhelming, sometimes it feels boring - I think it depends on my own mood - but sometimes, like last night, I feel on top of the world: loved, cherished, worshipped, desired, satisfied.
However I’d like to introduce toys so I can feel deeper penetration where his fingers can’t reach…but I don’t know how to bring this up. I don’t want to make him feel inadequate since he always try his best to please me.

He gets his pleasure from giving me pleasure so will his brain think that a using toy is not him giving me pleasure? I know it is normal that couple use toys together, but because he can’t get an erection, I feel this is different.

How do I bring this up in the most gently way?

He is a truly great partner in all other areas too, so ending is not an option nor is cheating.

And I have never ever used a toy myself so I don’t know where to start but I’m interested in penetration rather than clit stimulation and I want to use it with him amongst everything else that happens when a couple is having physical intimacy…but now typing this, maybe I should get one for me only and do it myself and alone to satisfy that penetration urge and then just enjoy sex life with him as it is?

Anyone been through similar?
Responses from men welcomed.

OP posts:
Shiningout · 17/03/2024 11:01

Well if he is accepting never been able to have penetrative sex again I guess you have a decision on whether that's what you want long term? You've only been together 10 months, so still in the honeymoon period. Even if he agrees to using toys it's not the same as having sex with someone, I wouldn't like to accept that for the future tbh.

Original poster
cakemiddletonedeaf · 17/03/2024 11:06

I’m not making future plans or talking about future in this post.
I’m not thinking long term at the moment and I have no desire to get married or move in together and this decision is unrelated to sex.

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 17/03/2024 11:09

It wouldn’t be for me to be honest. No idea how you can that sensitively. But if that’s your bag, then just tell him.

Original poster
cakemiddletonedeaf · 17/03/2024 11:14

I’m not trying to be rude but please refrain from responding if this is for you / your thoughts about the situation, if you would accept this or not as this is not the question.

I’m looking for suggestions of insightful ways of bringing up the conversation about using toys and would like to hear experiences of people who have been in similar situation and men’s opinions.

OP posts:
Deargodletitgo · 17/03/2024 14:03

I'd start with trying the toys with yourself

Pepsimaxedout · 17/03/2024 14:07

Buy the toys for yourself. Work out how to use them and if you like them. Then if you do, you can playfully mention them outside of the bedroom as something you would like to include.

BarbieDangerous · 17/03/2024 14:13

He can’t get an erection at all, ever? If that’s the case then surely he’d be able to use his common sense and know that the current set up won’t be feasible forever. He could be expecting you to bring up the idea of toys so things can go further than clitoral stimulation.

Either you start to use toys and see what you like/don’t like and then suggest to bring it into the bedroom. Or you can start the journey together. I don’t think there’s a certain way that it needs to be said, just ‘oh how would you feel if we used X toy today’ and go from there

Shiningout · 17/03/2024 14:38

cakemiddletonedeaf · 17/03/2024 11:14

I’m not trying to be rude but please refrain from responding if this is for you / your thoughts about the situation, if you would accept this or not as this is not the question.

I’m looking for suggestions of insightful ways of bringing up the conversation about using toys and would like to hear experiences of people who have been in similar situation and men’s opinions.

If you are looking for mens opinions as you say then maybe mumsnet isn't the best place for that.

Secondstart1001 · 17/03/2024 14:51

I see your point about the toys and I am not in your position as such as I have a high sex drive and DP has no problems with and erection. however I’ve often though it nice to introduce a few of my toys that I use alone however I wonder how he will feel about it? For your guy maybe as you are not used to toys you start a bit small so he’s not comparing his penis to that? It seems you really miss penetration op and this would probably help you so I’m interested in the advice on this thread to see what others suggest! Also to work on his ED is there anything you’ve noticed that turns him on so you can focus on working on that to get the penetration you deserve? Good luck and he sounds lovely and unselfish and he’s not blaming you for his issues! He’s prob very embarrassed 😞

Original poster
cakemiddletonedeaf · 17/03/2024 15:33

BarbieDangerous · 17/03/2024 14:13

He can’t get an erection at all, ever? If that’s the case then surely he’d be able to use his common sense and know that the current set up won’t be feasible forever. He could be expecting you to bring up the idea of toys so things can go further than clitoral stimulation.

Either you start to use toys and see what you like/don’t like and then suggest to bring it into the bedroom. Or you can start the journey together. I don’t think there’s a certain way that it needs to be said, just ‘oh how would you feel if we used X toy today’ and go from there

No
He had on once but lost it quite quickly

OP posts:
Original poster
cakemiddletonedeaf · 17/03/2024 15:42

Secondstart1001 · 17/03/2024 14:51

I see your point about the toys and I am not in your position as such as I have a high sex drive and DP has no problems with and erection. however I’ve often though it nice to introduce a few of my toys that I use alone however I wonder how he will feel about it? For your guy maybe as you are not used to toys you start a bit small so he’s not comparing his penis to that? It seems you really miss penetration op and this would probably help you so I’m interested in the advice on this thread to see what others suggest! Also to work on his ED is there anything you’ve noticed that turns him on so you can focus on working on that to get the penetration you deserve? Good luck and he sounds lovely and unselfish and he’s not blaming you for his issues! He’s prob very embarrassed 😞

Thank you

At the start when we were still talking about it, he explained that in his brain he is turned on but his body doesn’t cooperate which is very sad - I think if it was a matter of atraction he would be with women who gets him to have an erection, it is not like I turn him off - I hope.

The only time it almost worked was a controlled situation = no alcohol, no food, a few minutes after a pill and it didn’t last.

I know I have to find a way to start having those conversations again, maybe implying that this could be a sign of a major heath issue to which he is not yet aware of, although he did a throurough health check with all kinds of blood work done and no concerns - but that is what he says.

He is only in his 50s and phisically strong, works out, very active.

It is a mystery or maybe purely phycological ~ if it is rooted in trauma it will probably not be an easy fix.

OP posts:
678anon · 17/03/2024 15:48

How would you feel about asking him to buy such a toy? i.e. leaving the choice to him, perhaps even having it be his, for him to bring out during sex? I haven't been in such a situation but I imagine that might work.

jolies1 · 17/03/2024 15:53

Start off by being complimentary about what you do like - eg I like it when you do x, y, that feels really good for me. What do you enjoy? Is there anything else you would like to explore such as toys? If he seems amenable suggest opening a bottle of wine and having a look online together, you can order a few different things and you can point out the type you’d like to try.

PossumintheHouse · 17/03/2024 15:56

It sounds like you're a good couple and he already wants to bring you pleasure. I'd kindly explain that you're really enjoying your sex life and would like to introduce a few toys to explore further. Just be honest with him and say you'd like to enjoy the experience with him. Then get yourself on Love Honey and go crazy.

Ladyofthelake53 · 17/03/2024 16:00

Ive been seeing someone for 9 months, hes early 60's and im 55.

Same as you hes fantastic the way he treats me etc but yes sex life is lacking due to ED. Ive always had quite a high sex drive and i like a bit of variety, dominance but its not in his nature at all, hes very loving and satisfies me in other ways. Hes led a bit of a sheltered life sex wise i think and i like a bit of rough play

I introduced a vibrator and he was only too pleased to participate....i bet your man would be too.

Its getting better with the ED, hes taken Viagra which seems to work although hes only used it once, he seems reluctant i dont know why.

You could put some nice underwear on etc and introduce the vibrator...i bet he would like it !

NoSnowdrop · 17/03/2024 16:02

the relationships board on a predominantly woman’s site isn’t the best place to seek men’s opinions

not quite sure what you think men will say that’s gonna help you Confused

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/03/2024 16:34
  1. You need to be able to talk frankly about this. Don't treat him like a female friend who is sensitive and needs to be tiptoed around. How about saying you're really into him, and you know sex needs to evolve for any couple as they get older , so how about you both come up with some ideas to try?
  2. If he cares about your happiness then he will put some more effort into investigating the ED. It's not very impressive to say "I tried a pill once but it didn't work". Sounds like the medication or situation was wrong. When a past partner of mine was on medication for ED, the tablets had to be taken far enough in advance, but also he had to want sex. Some men don't but are embarrassed to admit it. He can see a sex therapist on his own, to save embarrassment, if he wishes. Many of their clients are men with libido or performance issues. I expect you have also read up on ED, but if not, that might help.
  3. You can get a device which is like a dildo or rigid sleeve that fits over the man's penis, so he'd wear it on a harness, with his penis inside it. He might find that this helps him ; it could certainly help you!
northernlight20 · 17/03/2024 16:40

does he get an erection on his own? does he definitely fancy women?

Watchkeys · 17/03/2024 16:51

How do I bring this up in the most gently way

'I need us to be able to talk about our sex life, but I'm worried about upsetting you. What shall we do?'

It's really not any more complicated than asking him to bring you Minstrels rather than Maltesers like usual when he pops to the shop... if your relationship is otherwise open and healthy.

Why do you think he'll be sensitive about it to the point you don't even want to raise the issue? Why do other people's experiences matter, here? It's like saying 'Does your bloke mind when you put more broccoli and less carrots on his plate?' Totally irrelevant, because everyone is different, surely?

Opentooffers · 17/03/2024 17:00

You're not sounding like a person with low libido, just as well he's still up for satisfying you though.
Regarding the ED, is it never up? Does he flop on penetration ? Does he not respond to oral sex either? Some older men might need a bit extra encouragement to get going, but I've never known oral to fail. I think you need to take the the pills about an hour in advance, so perhaps the one time he did this was why it worked.
If he can get hard in certain situations, and he's medically fine, this could be psychological, in which case some counselling for him might help. I'm not sure your plan to give up and use toys is addressing the issue. He can sort you out, sure, but it's not great for him long term. As a partner I'd insist on him looking into ways to 'erectify' the situation. Ignoring it and cracking on with alternatives is fine once every stone has been unturned, but you seem to be resigned after just 1 GP visit?

Original poster
cakemiddletonedeaf · 17/03/2024 17:15

northernlight20 · 17/03/2024 16:40

does he get an erection on his own? does he definitely fancy women?

I dont think a men who dont fancy women offer unlimited oral sex

OP posts:
Cas112 · 17/03/2024 17:25

I would be questioning whether he is attracted to women OP tbh.

Have you asked him how long this has been going on for? Whether he masterbates? What he thinks may be causing the ED? Surely you're having conversations around this for more insight?

Freakinfraser · 17/03/2024 17:37

cakemiddletonedeaf · 17/03/2024 17:15

I dont think a men who dont fancy women offer unlimited oral sex

Show quote history

That in itself of odd. I mean who makes that offer.

doesnr viagra work in that if the desire is there it works.unless a signficdant medical problem like a blockage or very low testosterone?

if he is gay and willing to go through the sexual motions, then I don’t think a dildo will be an issue for him, maybe even preferable.

Yoe · 17/03/2024 17:53

I’d just buy a few different toys and enjoy … ED is actually quite common so toys can be a great way of spicing things for you as a couple so everyone is as happy as they can be .
It can be a hard topic to broach but loads of people and couples use toys

therealcookiemonster · 17/03/2024 18:04

I agree with PPs suggesting sex therapist...