He is a 10/10 but…

[cakemiddletonedeaf]

We have been together 10 months.

I have low libido probably due to perimenopause and he has ED.

He has been to the doctor’s and investigated and no apparent cause has been found, testosterone levels fine. He took pills a few times and it didn’t work except from one time but it did not last long.

I think he has given up and there is this elephant in the room, we don’t talk about it, I don’t want to be insensitive / put any pressure / fear of making him feel bad.

He is 100% focused on my pleasure from massages to everything else and wants nothing back.

On paper it sounds amazing but sometimes it can get overwhelming, sometimes it feels boring - I think it depends on my own mood - but sometimes, like last night, I feel on top of the world: loved, cherished, worshipped, desired, satisfied.
However I’d like to introduce toys so I can feel deeper penetration where his fingers can’t reach…but I don’t know how to bring this up. I don’t want to make him feel inadequate since he always try his best to please me.

He gets his pleasure from giving me pleasure so will his brain think that a using toy is not him giving me pleasure? I know it is normal that couple use toys together, but because he can’t get an erection, I feel this is different.

How do I bring this up in the most gently way?

He is a truly great partner in all other areas too, so ending is not an option nor is cheating.

And I have never ever used a toy myself so I don’t know where to start but I’m interested in penetration rather than clit stimulation and I want to use it with him amongst everything else that happens when a couple is having physical intimacy…but now typing this, maybe I should get one for me only and do it myself and alone to satisfy that penetration urge and then just enjoy sex life with him as it is?

Anyone been through similar?
Responses from men welcomed.

For low testosterone these are the symptoms.

• Low sex drive
• Problems having an erection
• Low sperm count
• Sleep problems such as insomnia
• Decrease in muscle size and strength
• Bone loss
• Increase in body fat
• Depression
• Trouble concentrating

also possibly diabetes or high blood pressure, does he have any of these symptoms?

Only on MN people would equate ED with being gay, I’m in shock

It is not that he doesn’t touch me is it?

All gay men I know are absolutely disgusted by the thought of a woman’s body and female genitals

This place is getting crazy by the day

Thanks to all that gave constructive and sensible feedback.

@cakemiddletonedeaf good luck and let us know how you get on x

I think he should explore more with his GP, especially about medication

On the toys side you could tell him you’ve always been curious about trying toys and why not pick some to try together, he gets to pick 2, you pick 2 and whoever’s toy is best gets to choose the next one…

Oh op, I know you’re angry, but you must be fully aware that gay men marry and have sex. Christ Philip Scholefield has two kids to take a recent issue in the media. It is very very common.

Having sex and having children is completely different than genuinely enjoying a women’s body

I’m 46, been married 2x, had loads ofvrekationships before, in between and after - some of them with bisexual men too

I know men
But I never dealt with ED before

He is over 50

There is no pressure to get married, have children or please society at this age

You can be gay, married, have 2 children and have had sex with your wife twice only during your marriage life
These type - I’d guess - Behave completely different than my BF does in the bedroom and the relationship

As I said - I have low libido and I’d be easy with only the normal kiss, cuddle, hold hands

But he initiates the physical intimacy in the bedroom which puzzles me as he obviously can’t have an erection - I don’t initiate or demand
And he enjoys doing whatever he can do and takes pride in giving me pleasure - and once it starts then there are times where I feel I’d like deeper penetration.

I very much doubt that a married gay man would behave like this

But I’m not a gay man so what do I know right?

I understand why you’ve taken offense to some of the comments. I haven’t been with someone who has ED before so I don’t have first hand experience.

And he enjoys doing whatever he can do and takes pride in giving me pleasure

This is a good thing. If anything, this should make it easier to bring toys into the bedroom as he seems keen on pleasuring you. Good luck

Man over 50 - only saying as it's relevant to the subject. I'm luckier than your partner as I can get an 'almost' erection which means my partner and I can have an active sex life we both enjoy without PIV sex, which helps remove the pressure of maintaining a 'full' erection. Also, Viagra works well for me, although I get some negative side effects the next day, nothing awful, headaches/nausea, so if I have a tough/busy day at work, I'd avoid using it.
As for introducing a toy, my thoughts are to discuss it before buying it - just because it could feel more like an expectation and might make him react more defensively. You could then maybe both choose it afterwards together? Also maybe phrase it as an addition to your sex life, rather than a replacement to what you're currently sharing together.

I also have had tests, and there's nothing identifiable as a cause for my ED, it's unlikeable to be psychological, and definitely not testosterone-related.

One last thought is has he tried different brands of meds? There's more options than Viagra nowadays, and you never know he might respond better to a different one, also there's now cream to try, I've not used so don't know much more.

"But he initiates the physical intimacy in the bedroom which puzzles me as he obviously can’t have an erection - I don’t initiate or demand"

I expect he still very much enjoys the intimacy, looking and touching etc. Like he said, his head is into it, just not his body!

Buy yourself a toy, pick something that looks 'nice' rather than trying to look 'life like' (glass is great!) and use it solo at first. Then maybe tell him about a time you were turned on thinking about him and had used it (maybe say it's something you've owned for a while so he doesn't feel it's a reflection on him) and hopefully he'll be curious and want to see/ watch/ use it with you or chose one together that is 'yours'