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Original poster

Did anyone regret changing their surname when getting married - Can I risk upsetting dh and family by changing mine??

27 replies

bigmouthstrikesagain · 27/03/2008 08:12

It is strange that marriage which was a purely a practical decision for me is now throwing up an unexpected problem.

I have been married for over 2 years and at the time agreed to take dh name - He is an only child from a very small family and for him me sharing he surname was important. I did want the same name as my children. I am from a very large family - have 3 sisters and 2 brothers.

However I have not got used to being Mrs X - I still think of dh mum when i hear the name, and I have retained one credit card and facebook profile, email address is still in maiden name.

On a purely asthetic level I have a scottish first name and my maiden name is scotish so they sound better together

I think it would upset dh and family if I stated I wanted to go back to my old name though and I suppose it is not worth it. Tricky thing identity.

OP posts:
harleyd · 27/03/2008 08:16

snap
only reason i got married was to have the same name as the kids
but i hate it, i want my own name back
i would also like to be not married again

Original poster
bigmouthstrikesagain · 27/03/2008 08:20

Yes it is tricky Harley - I don't mind being married though - I suppose if I ever get back to work I can retain maiden name as 'work name' - but then dh might think I was wanting to appear single

But that won't be for years as new addition is on the way.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 27/03/2008 08:22

I think it would upset them - also - 2 years isn't long - give it a decade - you'll have got used to it by then

peanutbear · 27/03/2008 08:24

I changed mine by deed poll to the same as my DP (I was already a mrs as had been married before ) this was purely to have the same name as the children

I have tried to change it back to my maiden name but he gets really upset about it !

Original poster
bigmouthstrikesagain · 27/03/2008 08:25

Maybe it is to do with my Dads surname - strangely Dads first wife still uses his name despite them divorcing over 30 years ago and Dad dying 15 years ago. I think that bothers my Mum a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigmouthstrikesagain · 27/03/2008 08:28

Although thinking about it his first wife has as much right to his name as my mum and she would want to keep the same name as her kids just as much as I do. I such stop thinking aboutit and get on with my day I am sure but procrastination is my middle name at the mo.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 27/03/2008 08:30

I use my married name only really to do with the kids - and keep my name for everything else (eg work and hence finances since my salary is paid in that name). I also use my own name for the internet (since it is usually personal interest things like MN).

Can you do something similar ?

And talk to DH and say you just don't feel like Mrs X - because that is his mum.

I have a personal problem with people changing their names when they marry - I still mentally refer to them as their own name if that is how I knew them before - even years after they got married - I try hard not to do it openly though - don't want to upset them (especially the ones who are emphatically Mrs Y now and not their old name !).

mazzystar · 27/03/2008 08:30

From the other side of the fence, I didn't change my name when I got married. I wouldn't have considered it - and it never even entered DH's head that I would. He too is an only child, with few living relatives.

I think if it is making you unhappy - and for me it would have made me really unhappy, I would have felt like my identity was being taken away from me - I would talk to your DH about it. or why not just use your maiden name - you can, after all, call yourself anything you like.

berolina · 27/03/2008 08:30

We are in Germany and chose a 'marriage name' which was dh's. The other partner, but not the whole family, is allowed to double-barrel with their previous name, and the children have to have the marriage name. I'm beginning to regret taking dh's name - I love my double barrel but tbh have come to feel I would prefer the childre to have my maiden name - not because of dh but to connect them more strongly with the English side of their heritage. I've also begun to get extremely irritated that most of dh's family consistently ignores my double barrel and talks of 'the [dh's name]s' - I feel a little subsumed. Unfortunately German law doesn't allow us to change, so I'm going to look at doing it under British law.

throckenholt · 27/03/2008 08:31

I meant to say - I am not sure Dh's family are even aware I still use my own name - so maybe your DH's family don't need to know either ?

BabiesEverywhere · 27/03/2008 08:44

I didn't change my name , I asked y husband to change his

He wasn't to bother either way and my family name was very important to me, so despite his family thinking we are weird, we all share my maiden name.

But if you agreed to take your husbands name and it is very important to him, I can't see a way of changing things two years later.

mummypud · 27/03/2008 08:50

snap here too , i have an unusual sounding french maiden name, husband has traditional english , when we married 10 years ago he wiould of took my surname! but i though t no at least i will never have to spell my surname to others again! sadly now all names we think of for babies sound better with my maiden name, and i still have to spell my surname! . x

berolina · 27/03/2008 08:52

The annoying thing is dh would have taken my name, and I think actuaslly suggested it at one point. However, at the time we married there were some very negative things going on with me and my parents, so at the time it made sense not to found our new family on that name.

branflake81 · 27/03/2008 09:02

I'm not married to my OH but we have talked about it. I really don't want to change my name, not because there's anything wrong with his, but just because I've always had my name and I wouldn't feel like "me" with a different one. He doesn't want to change his and we are both "last in line" for our surnames (his sister is married and changed her name, as did mine). Not sure what we'll do. Strongly suspect I will wind up changing it for formal documents etc but in my head will always have my maiden name.

castille · 27/03/2008 09:08

Can't you start using your maiden name for new things (job, bank account or whatever) alongside your married name?

After 7 years of Mrs Marriedname in all things I reverted to Mrs Maidenname name for work (at the suggestion of my company) and I now use either or both according to need/convenience.

As long as you don't abandon DH's name altogether it shouldn't be a big issue. Your maiden name is a big part of who you are. If you explain to DH that you "miss" your old name and you'd like to use it for certain things (alongside plenty of reassurance that doesn't mean you're after a divorce!), would he really mind?

Seabright · 27/03/2008 09:17

I have been thinking about this, but in a slightly different way. I am pregnant, not married and we are not likely to get married. I have an unusual surname and whilst it caused me some grief as a child, I'm OK with it now. Also, I'm the last one in the family with that name.

But DP has 2 children already, and I don't want them to feel "disconnected" from the new baby, so am thinking of suggesting that it gets a double-barrelled surname, combining both of ours, as I'd feel weird if my baby had a different name to me or him.

What do you think?

cmotdibbler · 27/03/2008 09:24

Dh and I are married - he has hisname, I have myname, and DS has myname-hisname (the cats are double barrelled too). Works perfectly for us, although be prepared to explain it several million times. Not that people are overtly negative, just confused.

stirlingmum · 27/03/2008 09:35

I am same as last post (cmotdibbler) - I was very against changing my name - It didn't feel right. Our dc have a double barrel surname and they love the fact that they have part dads and part mums name.

Both families were unhappy at the time we married, 15 yrs ago, but tough! It was our decision.

RosaIsRed · 27/03/2008 12:00

I have kept my name and DH his and the children have double-barrelled. We would not have it otherwise. PIL were incandescent, but frankly that is their problem. Personally, I think everyone is entitled to be called by the name they prefer. So if that is your maiden name for you, your DH will just have to get over it.
Meanwhile, however, I have discovered that MIL has put me and the children in a posh directory that she belongs to under DH's name which I thought a bit underhand!

cory · 27/03/2008 12:48

I went double-barrelled, adding his surname to my maiden name. Kids have his surname only; I don't mind. I use my (foreign) surname for work and my (very English) married name when dealing with the Gas board. Anything for an easy life. And dh doesn't mind any which way.
Sometimes, the kids get given my d-b name; ds saw it on his medical record at the hospital the other day and got quite envious- ooh, I'd really like to be called that.

Disenchanted · 27/03/2008 12:50

I don't like my married name either.

I spend years dreaming of being Mrs-x and now i don't like it at all.

I think of his mother too.

And I miss being part of my family - my mum, dad ect.

Its like Im an outsider now

Lasvegas · 27/03/2008 13:26

I am twice married. First time in mid 20's and didn't change name even though I preferred his name, but didn't see from 'womens lib perspective' why I should change my name, struck me as sexist convention. Also I didn't want to be Mrs at that age would rather be a Ms. Married for 2nd time mid 30's and did have a child and couldn't wait to be Mrs (husbands name) it seemed right thing to me. I felt in mid 30's with a child old enough in myself to be a Mrs!

maymee · 27/03/2008 13:35

I changed my name too, partly because I knew we would have kids and I then thought it would be easier if our names were the same, I really wish I hadn't now, especially as I got a job within in the same place as his family, I want to be an individual again

EzrasMummy · 27/03/2008 14:28

Ever since i was a little girl i never wanted to change my name. As someone else on here said (Ive only skimmed through by the way) that I wouldnt feel like "me". So when i started seeing my husband I did mention it and when we did get married he wasnt happy but its my name and my choice.

My DD (11 months) has his surname, but my son from a previous relationship has my surname. It doesnt bother me a bit (but i know his family would be horrified that i chose to keep my name) and we both have double barrelled names anyway

Its your choice what do to with your name and no one elses.

scaryteacher · 27/03/2008 15:32

My maiden name was so appalling that I was glad to change it when we got married. It's funny when I am out with MIL and SIL though, as if someone calls 'Mrs *', all three of us turn around!