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Original poster

Loss of interest or slow burner?

38 replies

Holibobby · 16/03/2024 22:38

I’ve been dating a guy for 2 months now he moved very quickly, he’s always been super keen, I’ve met his friends, he wanted me to meet his family (but I couldn’t because of work), he’s always quick to reply to messages etc. I’m a little slower (and wary) when it comes to dating but found I really like him.

Anyway, we decided to go away last weekend for his birthday on a city break. When we were away he called me his partner and his girlfriend on 2 separate occasions, despite us not having that chat about what are we.

When we got home didn’t see each other for a couple of days just messaging a lot and he’s been working long shifts for the last 6 days. Seen him on Weds and he seemed a little different quite quiet but I just put it down to him being exhausted with work as he suffers with fatigue. He was ok in the end. Then he asked me if I wanted to go out with him and his friends on Sunday but I said I can’t because I have my DD.

Since that he’s been very quiet on messages, understand he’s working but his messages just all about him he hasent asked me anything or kept the conversation going at all, it’s all me. I’m freaking out tonight (I know it’s irrational) that he’s loosing interest.

In the past around the 2-3 month mark seems to be crucial ‘loosing interest’ point. But then I think he asked me if I would go a meal with his close friends on Tuesday and I said no (as I have my DD) and then I said no to tomorrow too. I’m wondering is he maybe just holding back a bit or actually loosing interest.

After we got back from our city break I told him I liked him and spending time with him and now I feel like now he knows that I like him he’s holding back a little. But then I could be overthinking as I’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past and I am on high alert.

I really want to message him tonight and say why you not making any conversation as it’s really out of character for him but it would sound too weird. I really need clarity and think face to face conversation is best.

Does anybody have any insights?

OP posts:
Plantmother71 · 17/03/2024 00:12

It’s understandable that you’re holding back a little as you’ve had an abusive relationship- but maybe he feels you’ve cooled it off as you’ve said no to a lot of his offers to meet (I know you have your DD - I understand- but maybe he thinks it’s an excuse?).

I think if you do like him then speak to him openly about all of this. Then you’ll know. Maybe he’s been burnt in the past with others and he’s thinks it’s happening again?

Plantmother71 · 17/03/2024 00:15

Sorry just to add, maybe he is tired from the long shifts? It could be anything - I know it dents your self esteem if it all feels one sided. Please just have a good chat to him. Could you ring him? Maybe when he has a day off?

kkloo · 17/03/2024 02:43

On your other thread didn't you say that you saw notifications for dating apps when you were on holiday?

He's a headfuck.

LightSwerve · 17/03/2024 06:14

Blowing hot and cold is a big red flag so take care.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 17/03/2024 06:22

Well, you are being cautious too. It sounds like it's moving too fast for you?

If you aren't sure, move on.

kkloo · 17/03/2024 06:26

Just checked your last thread again and you did say he got a notification on the dating app on the way home from your trip, and also that he's shifty with his phone and keeps it face down.

I’m freaking out tonight (I know it’s irrational) that he’s loosing interest.

It's not irrational. There's a lot of red flags with this guy.

But then I could be overthinking as I’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past and I am on high alert.

It sounds a bit like the opposite OP. You're seeing the red flags clearly and playing them down. A few days ago you posted about the dating app notification but you left that out of this one because you know what people would tell you if you added that to this one.

You also don't seem ready to date anyway. You were afraid to ask him if you were actually his girlfriend after he called you that, now you think it would be 'weird' to ask him how come he's not making conversation. You need to be able to have conversations or ask questions.

Original poster
Holibobby · 17/03/2024 07:24

Do you think a text message today asking if everything’s ok is worth it? Or wait till Monday when I’m seeing him face ti face , although got a feeling he will say he’s hungover and stay in bed.

im worried that if I message him it looks like I’m worried or chasing him

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 17/03/2024 08:30

OP, I think that anyone who calls you his "partner" (bloody awful word at the best of times but can be excused if you are actually sharing a home) so rapidly, is to be avoided.
In my experience anyway.

They are as quick to fall out of 'like' as quickly as they fell into it.

TreesWelliesKnees · 17/03/2024 08:35

I think he's playing head games with you to make you feel exactly like you are right now. Be careful, OP.

Pepsimaxedout · 17/03/2024 08:35

I wouldn't chase TBH. Especially not when you mentioned the hinge notifications on your other post.

If he works shifts and you have your daughter, I think you need to have a long hard look at whether or not it will work. It sounds like he wants/expects more of your time than you can offer. It sounds like he wants constant attention/validation.

Original poster
Holibobby · 17/03/2024 09:15

Ok I won’t chase I’m not going to contact him today. I feel really shitty about this after what I’ve been through I didn’t think I would be dismissive of potential red flags. I might still go and speak to him on Monday. Don’t know what I’m going to achieve by it. The thing is he’s always so lovley in person but then when we’re apart I start to have doubts - I thought maybe it was my anxiety and overthinking. But for him not to reach out and act uninterested now I’ve said I can’t join him out drinking with his friends today just feels very off

OP posts:
Original poster
Holibobby · 17/03/2024 10:18

Part of me is in a little bit of denial thinking maybe he’s realised he’s come on a bit too much and now he’s cooling it off a little. I’m not sure I really can’t work it out

OP posts:
kkloo · 18/03/2024 06:06

Holibobby · 17/03/2024 10:18

Part of me is in a little bit of denial thinking maybe he’s realised he’s come on a bit too much and now he’s cooling it off a little. I’m not sure I really can’t work it out

Best piece of advice for women everywhere is that If a man likes you then you'll know. If he doesn't then you'll be confused.

Dontsparethehorses · 18/03/2024 06:13

So I haven’t read your other thread and from what’s posted here alone it sounds like he is making an effort but you’re rejecting him? When he asks 2 separate occasions of you can do something it’s fine that you can’t but do you then suggest a date you could do?
you say he’s not making conversation but are you trying and him just not responding?
If he’s moving too fast have you told him and if not Maybe he has read your body language and then surely him backing down slowly is in line with that?

he might still be an arse but there isn’t enough information here to know?

kkloo · 18/03/2024 06:26

@Dontsparethehorses

If he’s moving too fast have you told him and if not Maybe he has read your body language and then surely him backing down slowly is in line with that?

I don't think that's what going on. I got the impression that OP would have been happy to be his girlfriend, on the other thread when he called her that she seemed a bit scared of scaring him off by asking him if he meant what he said when he called her his girlfriend, so I would say he holds all the cards and knows it too.

Original poster
Holibobby · 18/03/2024 21:31

So, I saw him today and alarm bells rang. We went to the gym, and he said when I got back to his you can finally show me your boobs after parading them around all day for everyone else to see, that comment hit me massively! I was with a jealous and controlling man for 10 years so I've just messaged saying its not a good idea to see him again, just waiting for his response im sooo nervous

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 18/03/2024 22:42

Well that's just vile. What a prick.

Shakespeareandi · 18/03/2024 22:56

Block him. If he were receiving dating app messages on hour-long holidays and is secretive about his phone, I'd not trust him. He is no good. Just write him off. You deserve so much better than him. That comment he made about your boobs; what an idiot. Don't wait anxiously for his reply; tell him you are not interested in a man who would say that. Then block him.

SamW98 · 19/03/2024 08:53

OP this is the 5/6 thread you’ve started stressing about a guy you’ve known for 2 months.

IIRC he persuaded you to stay over at his on the second date when you had said no originally and you felt uncomfortable that night. Then he went on holiday with mates and didn’t contact you. And now you’re having more doubts about him but don’t want to ask if you’re exclusive.

Please take this in the spirit it’s meant but I really don’t you think you’re in the right headspace to date yet. You seem to overanalyse every move he makes and it really shouldn’t be this complicated at the early stages.

ILostMy20s · 19/03/2024 10:27

SamW98 · 19/03/2024 08:53

OP this is the 5/6 thread you’ve started stressing about a guy you’ve known for 2 months.

IIRC he persuaded you to stay over at his on the second date when you had said no originally and you felt uncomfortable that night. Then he went on holiday with mates and didn’t contact you. And now you’re having more doubts about him but don’t want to ask if you’re exclusive.

Please take this in the spirit it’s meant but I really don’t you think you’re in the right headspace to date yet. You seem to overanalyse every move he makes and it really shouldn’t be this complicated at the early stages.

Edited

Well said.

OP, you sound quite young/unsure in all your posts. Or maybe it's that you enjoy receiving the attention and validation from these threads (despite the fact you seem to ignore most people's advice)?

Having to post to MN so regularly over a short space of time, seemingly all about the same person, should tell you something. With the right person, you wouldn't/shouldn't be having any of these doubts.

Either way, you definitely don't sound like the sort of person ready to be dating. You don't need this man in your life if he's causing you so much stress. Take a break from men, work on yourself and focus on your DD for a while, and hopefully in a while you'll be in a much better place to find someone. Good luck.

kkloo · 19/03/2024 10:58

Holibobby · 18/03/2024 21:31

So, I saw him today and alarm bells rang. We went to the gym, and he said when I got back to his you can finally show me your boobs after parading them around all day for everyone else to see, that comment hit me massively! I was with a jealous and controlling man for 10 years so I've just messaged saying its not a good idea to see him again, just waiting for his response im sooo nervous

There's red flags all over him.
What response are you waiting for?
If he says sorry then are you going to give him another chance?

Original poster
Holibobby · 19/03/2024 11:13

Thank you for your comments, I agree I'm not in the best place for dating right now, and I am starting some counselling next week to work through some past relationship issues.

@kkloo He said he meant it in reference to when I had been in the doctors earlier for a chest scan not in relation to the gym. I spoke honeslty and open for the first time last night to him, I said I was triggered by a comment he made. He said he is confused too, he said he's punching above his weight and he said everyone knows that (I despise that sort of talk), he said the holiday sped things up quickly. I said I didn't appreciate him calling me his gf/partner when we've not had any of those sort of conversations, he apologised and said he's sorry for calling me his gf. We both said speaking face to face would be better.
I also mentioned the dating app and he said surely i get loads of notifications he said its just running in the background and said he doesnt want to talk to anyone else and hes not dating anyone else.

Feel glad I've got lots off my chest but still not sure.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 19/03/2024 11:19

I also mentioned the dating app and he said surely i get loads of notifications he said its just running in the background

Thats not true if he’s paused his profile. If he’s getting notifications, his profile is still active.

kkloo · 19/03/2024 11:28

Holibobby · 19/03/2024 11:13

Thank you for your comments, I agree I'm not in the best place for dating right now, and I am starting some counselling next week to work through some past relationship issues.

@kkloo He said he meant it in reference to when I had been in the doctors earlier for a chest scan not in relation to the gym. I spoke honeslty and open for the first time last night to him, I said I was triggered by a comment he made. He said he is confused too, he said he's punching above his weight and he said everyone knows that (I despise that sort of talk), he said the holiday sped things up quickly. I said I didn't appreciate him calling me his gf/partner when we've not had any of those sort of conversations, he apologised and said he's sorry for calling me his gf. We both said speaking face to face would be better.
I also mentioned the dating app and he said surely i get loads of notifications he said its just running in the background and said he doesnt want to talk to anyone else and hes not dating anyone else.

Feel glad I've got lots off my chest but still not sure.

So he has an answer for everything....that doesn't mean he's being honest.

Why did you say you didn't appreciate him calling you that when you hadn't had those conversations? When you seem to want to be his girlfriend? Sounds like you're not really getting things off your chest properly because you said in the previous thread you were fed up guessing what you are.
He then had a really easy out where he apologised for calling you his girlfriend because you made out the issue was that he just called you that without having a conversation.

Why on earth would he have the dating apps just running in the background if he doesn't want to talk to anyone else. Makes no sense.

MMmomDD · 19/03/2024 11:28

OP - your mind seems to be jumping around and you don’t know which way is up.
You like him; you are obsessing about message frequency changes; you are dumping him; etc
Slow down.
Do your therapy, and if you continue to see him - just try to not take it all too seriously.

2-3mo in while dating - is not the ‘losing interest’ time. It’s a natural step where the initial explosion of in-lust - where both people project some imaginary version of themselves start giving way to getting back to something more realistic.