Did your parents discuss relationships with you?

[Phyllissradishfarm]

When you were a teenager or even younger did your parents ever discuss relationships with you, or discuss how you should expect to be treated in a relationship?

My parents are quite uptight and didn't discuss anything. I'm trying to work out if that was normal for the time or are they just exceptionally uptight. They are very much in favour of schools teaching everything from cooking to making a bed to how to pay your gas bill. That seems to be quite a modern concept to me, expecting schools to do every bloody thing. I am wondering if they thought school was teaching me all this stuff.

I was a teenager in the 80s. I would be grateful for experiences from any decade. Probably no point to this thread really but I'm just trying to unpick stuff that happened.

No and my mum even encouraged me to forgive a teenage boyfriend who cheated on me! She was open enough to talk about periods and sex (although one conversation about each) but nothing about being treated well, but then my dad was not the best husband to her.

80s teenager. I was given the 'facts of life' as soon as asked the relevant question, I think I was about six. They never sat me down and said 'you should look for X, Y and Z in a partner' but if I asked for advice on a specific situation, I would get it - from my mum, I wasn't in the habit of having that kind of conversation with my dad.

No and similar to above she and my dad didn’t have the best relationship (they’re still together and she has Alzheimer’s now).

She probably encouraged me to let a few questionable behaviours go in past relationships. She was always astounded at how good DH is “helping” me by looking after our child, “helping” me by doing some housework and every time my parents come over for Sunday dinner she’ll make acomment about how good DH is for “helping” me cook.

I don’t think she and my dad were ever particularly happy but for whatever reason neither of them made a move to end thing, despite telling me and my sibling several times over the years that they were getting divorced.

So I don’t think either of them could have had a discussion with us about how you should expect to be treated in a relationship because that would make them both hypocrites, as they didn’t model it themselves.

We’re totally the opposite with DS and hopefully model a fairly healthy relationship. We’re quite open about most things, E.g. our salary and outgoings, we figure if he wants to continue to live the lifestyle we have he needs to know how much he’ll need to earn, etc. He has a
girlfriend who seems to be the female version of him, very close to her parents who are still happily together, very quietly confident and she appears to have a good level of self esteem.

No. I was a teenager in the 90s. My parents never spoke about relationships at all. Plenty to say on how certain people they knew were lacking, personality-wise, but never spoke about consent, nor being treated well, or anything.

After my first proper boyfriend dumped me my mum said she'd never liked him. She was right because he was not kind in intimate situations. But why didn't she say anything sooner?

My example from my parents was to stick it out, no matter what was going on behind closed doors. Private lives are private. Don't interfere. I am not telling my daughter that. I will raise my concerns if I see reason to. I will ask her how she feels about how things are going. I will point educate her about consent, coercive control and abuse.

Not explicitly, no. If anything, my mother taught me to make myself uncomfortable and unhappy for the benefit of others. Whilst there is a time for prioritising others’ needs, I stayed with an ex for a year longer than I should have utterly miserable.

My mum discussed her relationship with my dad/her husband with me as a child/teenager so how awful he was etc etc, as a teenager I once had the Cosmopolitan magazine issue that came out every year with the pictures of mens' genitalia and she told me not to let my dad see it as he would feel inadequate. They had a terrible relationship with DV and lots of screaming and shouting and then silent treatment. So no, no discussion but terrible examples of relationships modelled which is probably why my first boyfriend was able to be so awful and controlling and I didn't know what to do. She never says anything but it radiates off her how jealous she is of my relationship with my husband as he cooks. cleans and doesn't go to the pub every day like my dad did. Well and he actually likes me and our daughter which my dad clearly didn't.

My mum made it very clear that they were shit and a waste of time.

No but wouldn't have wanted her advice 😂

No. The facts of life was freely given but nothing about emotions or respect.

My mum complained about her relationship with my dad but never offered advice about that kind of thing.
I remember a chat about periods in primary but not even an chat about sex.

Mine led by example. They were both onto their third marriage by the time I was 21! It taught me a great deal and made me very cautious about relationships.

Have been married to DH for 32 years.

I am now in my 40s. Mum would discuss sex, contraception and periods with sister and l, she was also relaxed about nudity. But would you be tied you if you didn’t do your homework!!!

She was the one my own friends would turn to if they felt they had an issue that they could not discuss at home. She was cross when she first found out that l was having sex, which was around the time of my 15th birthday. Not cross that l was having sex per se, but not happy that l had not confided in her and told her.

Her advice which l heed to this day “if something isn’t making you feel nice, stop doing it”.

RIP mum ❤️

I was a teenager in the 80's my mom told me nothing at all about relationships or sex as far as i remember.
I had a much older boyfriend at 17 and she said he was a man and wouldn't be happy with just holding hands 🙄
I on the other hand have made it very clear to my daughter what not to accept in a relationship - partner or friends.
My dad obviously left things up to my mom as he said nothing either.
There is so much schools should teach from a very young age such as what is a good relationship and as they get older general life admin such as banking , bills etc , not such a bloody shock then when you get to adulthood !
I know ultimately i am responsible to guide my kids through life but with so much inconsistency in parenting if done right i think schools could really help with life skills for their futures.

No. Certainly nothing negative. Sometimes mum would tell me how important dad is to her and what the good in their relationship is, that sort of thing.

No, nothing. She got quite defensive a few years ago when I raised with her the fact that she'd never discussed periods or sex with us - her attitude was that I'd learned it at school and that should've been enough.

She told us that our biological father was a shit, and made a big deal about the fact that she wore the trousers in her marriage to our stepdad, but what that essentially meant was that she bullied him into doing what she wanted.

I learned a lot about what I thought relationships were from books - I was yearning for romance but what I ended up with were ridiculously dramatic, casually abusive men who fed my sense of inadequacy.

I try and talk in age-appropriate terms to my DD about what she should expect in a relationship. My expectations were ridiculously low-bar.

There is alot here that strikes a chord with me. Thanks for sharing. I think this stuff affects you more in later years than at the time.

No discussions about feelings, sex, consent or relationships that I can remember either. I knew the facts of life from school, books and having small pets but I was lacking the communication skills and emotional intelligence to navigate relationships and sexuality.

My parents relationship broke down when I was in my early teens and we had one announcement where they told us they were divorcing but that was it!

Another teenager from the 80s here. Parents never discussed anything like that with me at all, ever. I’ve learnt so much since being a grown-up!

I was a teen in the 70s and my mum told me about facts of life, relationships, consent, preferably not having sex until you felt a level of commitment with your partner.

She used to believe relationships were worth working through if you had troubles. That was until she visited after I'd told her my partner of 20 years was wanting us to break up. The way he behaved (as if nothing was wrong when it most evidently was) changed her mind.

I was a teen in the 90's (and the 3rd of 4 siblings). My DP were born in the 30's and 40's. My mum never said much about sex or periods - she used to get really embarrassed about talking about things like that. She was also very religious (and had a sheltered upbringing herself), so sex was only for when you were married. When I had my first period, I went crying to my dad as I thought I was going to die! Dad was very chilled and good to talk about anything with us kids. Both my parents were strict, but they always made time for us kids and actually listened to us. They were also the people that our friends would talk to for advice when they couldn't speak to their own parents. They helped a lot of our (my siblings' and my) friends, and were always welcoming and hospitable.

Both parents taught us that relationships should be a proper partnership, where each person in the couple were treated with respect and love. They said that relationships should be worked on but if there was abuse of any sort, then I should end things and not put up with the abuse.

When XH and I separated, I was still embarrassed to tell my family (due to Catholic guilt), but my Dad said that I'd tried everything and that it was better to divorce. I knew that it was better to, but I still felt a lot better knowing that my family were backing me on it, as I felt like a complete failure. I wish they were still here, both sadly RIP now.

Late 70s/early 80s teenager.

Mum didn't talk about relationships with me, nor dad - but I would never have asked them.

School was expected to teach us about sex.

They were both very good about teaching how to manage money (had to be, we had fuck all), Dad taught us how to maintain and fix cars, clean shoes and boots etc. Mum taught how to cook, but not as well as school did! but she was VERY good at teaching cleaning skills - we had to keep the house clean and she had high standards!

All of us were taught to be compliant, and I and my sisters have spoken about how many times we ended up having sex because we'd said 'no' so many times that it seemed impolite. Better to have unwanted sex than be considered impolite!

Nope - had the period chat, sex chat, the do not get pregnant chat 50 times over. My dad thought he owned females and said that I should never bring a male across his doorstep ever. So I never have.

Op i was a teenager in the 80's. My mum was difficult to talk to as her parents never talked to her about things. Emotionally distant. My dad was always the one I could talk to about emotions and sex. He's the same age as my mum but mpre open. He always always made sure I had comdoms and transport home sorted if I went out for the night 🤣

No.

One uncomfortable conversation about periods.

No conversations about relationships.

Both my parents struggled with anyone expressing any kind of emotion at all. It was a very odd environment.

My mum is still alive and we still have very stilted conversations that never ever discuss feelings, either ours or anybody else's.

80s teenager.

Yep my mum did very much because she was a marriage guidance counsellor, a social worker for single (often teenage) mums and taught pastoral care in schools.

My dad talked a bit about his experiences; stuff like thinking you have fallen in love every time etc.