Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

I don’t want to be outing but none of my family even knew I was married. I was coerced into doing it. That was the biggest barrier because he said he would tell everyone what a liar and a terrible person I was if I ever left. He didn’t have any empathy of how that made me feel. Often the barriers that keep us trapped are very shameful.

Sometimes if someone's perception of danger is impaired enough the other parent has to make the choice: stay and protect the children from serious risk of injury / death / unintentional abuse or leave and save your own mental health, but run the risk of your children not surviving.

In that case, you stay don't you.

That was the biggest barrier because he said he would tell everyone what a liar and a terrible person I was if I ever left. What awful, manipulative, downright wicked abuse by him!

@DancesWithDucks but you run the risk of permanently effecting your children’s mental and emotional health. That and the physical effects the relationship has on your own health. Constant state of stress causes havoc.

Yes.

But the alternative can be a high chance of them literally dying.

He had zero danger perception in some aspects - letting the non-swimming 3yo play unsupervised near a deep canal with high banks.

Driving at 190kph on the autobahn no more than a meter or meter and a half from the car in front.

Letting them play out unsupervised near a busy road "well I grew up doing this, it's good for them to be independent". Well yes, but your street got one car an hour; this street is one of the major roads in and out of our town.

Encouraging a 3yo to cycle independently over a narrow (toy) bridge 1 meter high that he could very easily fallen off.

It really, really wasn't safe to leave him alone with them. Sometimes he could be great; other times my blood ran cold. It got to the point where I just used to shut my eyes and pray and in fact my own danger perception reduced simply because he treated this stuff as normal and it coloured my own. And I'm far from a physical coward - I could ride motorbikes for hundreds of miles in all weathers and was up for almost any physical challenge.

That was my experience but on here I've heard the same problems with danger perception from some other people married to autistic people. Certainly not all, but it's a problem of perception that seems to come up more often on this thread than anywhere else I've seen.

by the way - the 3yo cycling without stabilizers is fairly common here, in the NL.

Sometimes there are no good answers. No good answers. All that you're left with is bad choices where someone is going to pay a high price in health. All you can do is make the least awful one.

Also, he genuinely loves the children. He's no absent dad; he does things with them, he loves them, he does his best. But when we split, the youngest was still only 6 and I knew there was a risk. But he was old enough to assess some risk for himself and his brother is older and could look out for him to some degree.

But in fact as I said, I didn't make a conscious choice. I'd stayed out of duty and because I so badly wanted the children to have the stability I didn't, but there was also this risk assessment going on.

My ex also loves his child. Love didn’t keep her safe though or me. Each situation is different. I would always hope there was a way. I can’t control my ex any longer. He still drives like a hooligan. Well not for a while as he had his license banded for speeding. So that’s a blessing.

I’m so pleased you said this. Thank you. I really felt like shit after I read that post. I was talking to my therapist this week about my exH and explaining why I didn’t tell people how bad it was. I felt shame basically. I felt like people would say obviously you should just leave! But I didn’t leave. I stayed. I felt like a coward and I felt ashamed and I felt people might judge me. So I didn’t open up. I suffered in silence and put on a brave face.

I did leave in the end. But not in the best way. And now I don’t have it in me to up and leave and uproot my DC again. Not now anyway. Maybe one day. So I stay. I try to cope. I look for the positives. And being told bluntly to “just leave” conjures up all those feelings of shame I held onto in my marriage. Thank you for standing up for me and others like me. You’re so right. It really isn’t that simple. I was going to reply and say something but when @Rainbow03 said they themselves were ASD I suppose I felt less inclined to because in a later post Rainbow said “If friends or family don’t give and only take then they need to be gone” and I thought about how black and white that approach is. And I am very pleased if that works for someone else, but for a myriad complex reasons it isn’t who I am. Ashamed as that makes me feel.

I would hope there is a way too .. but for some people, there isn't. At least this thread is here so that people can post and gain support, so they are not totally alone.

Thank heavens your ex got banned without anyone being hurt .... he doesn't still drive without it does he ?

@DancesWithDucks I have no and I don’t ask. I just control my own life.

@BustyLaRoux you aren’t alone in feeling shame. You think I haven’t felt shame for what I have done in my past. I wanted to end my life about 7 years ago because shame was eating me alive. I’ve come to forgive myself for being a complex human.

@BustyLaRoux you aren’t alone in feeling shame. You think I haven’t felt shame for what I have done in my past. I wanted to end my life about 7 years ago because shame was eating me alive. I’ve come to forgive myself for being a complex human.
@Rainbow03 perhaps we are at cross purposes here. Not sure where I’ve said you yourself must not have felt shame? I am sure you did. Many people in abusive relationships feel shame, I’m sure. I’ve not indicated that I thought I alone felt this.
I know my relationship isn’t right. I wouldn’t be on here if it was. I stay for a variety of complex reasons. I do feel an amount of shame when people say “just leave then”. My SIL also says this to me. But then in the same breath tells me I’m wrong for not being more forgiving of my ASD father! I feel judged. I feel stupid. I feel ashamed. I’m glad your “cut them out of your life if it’s not working for you” approach has worked and I am certain you’ve reached this place of self preservation through coming out the other side of many years of turmoil, shame and anguish. I salute you for having such a firm stance on what you will and will not tolerate. I wish I could be more like that. But @DancesWithDucks is completely correct. It isn’t as simple as just leaving or cutting people out. Not for me. Not for many of us. And posts which say “just leave then” are hard to read.

I am genuinely sorry for those who feel so low that they see now way out of their situation. I think it’s probably hard to believe but an awful lot of people’s situations are extremely complex even if it feels like you are the only one suffering. There are many people who’ve been in situations they never thought they could leave who have. I used be someone who used to say the same thing. It’s not simple for me, I can’t leave. But then you do and it is that simple. We get stuck ruminating and in catastrophic thinking. It’s an awful symptom.

To be clear, I do not think I am the only one suffering. Apologies if I’ve given that impression somewhere.

I did leave a relationship. Not sure how I did it now. Feels like a dream I had. I am not ready to do it again. I am grateful for the supportive messages and advice on here when things are difficult. I am grateful (though saddened) for the solidarity. My dad will die at some point. I will be sad but relieved. My DP probably has a few more years LOL!!!

I wish you all the best but I’ll leave the thread as I think I’m not helping.

I think your experience here is valid and I feel we've engaged in good conversation. We've disagreed, but that's okay. it's a shame if you leave, and Im happy if you stay.

I really feel for all of us who have reasons that are drawing us to this thread. We’re all trying to make the best we can of the cards we’ve been dealt and the choices that we’ve made and the daily ups and downs of life.

I’m happy for everyone who has found a solution that works for them. I’m grateful when people take the time to post about that because it’s hopeful and sometimes useful. But it’s not invalidating anything that anyone else has tried, or anything that’s been successful for them, for me to know when their successful fix wouldn’t fix my problems. That’s just life. Different strokes. Otherwise these problems wouldn’t be so common, they’d be much more easily sorted out.

There is not a ‘correct’ response.

But ’just leave’ sounds minimising and dismissive. I’m glad you got out. Not everyone feels able to.

Not everyone is after advice or having their situation ‘fixed’. Sometimes it just helps to have someone say ‘I’m sorry this is so shit for you.’ That may not be something that feels comforting to you to hear, but it is what a lot of us find helpful about this thread. And it’s a big part of what we don’t get from our partners - a bit of sympathy and understanding when we are having a difficult time. Instead we get instructions.

Thing is we are all here because we want to support each other and there are bound to be some differing thoughts about how to do this, at times. Some of us are ND which might mean we are more 'blunt' at times. It's hard as everyone's situation is so unique.

I have felt enormous shame over not feeling/being able to leave and for many years I didn't even think it possible. I kept quiet about it because of the shame. More so because I had already left one abusive marriage and having to face up to being in another one has not been easy. Yet if it was said to me at the right time, being reminded that leaving is an option would probably give me 'permission' to do so, with less guilt. At another time it might make me feel even more trapped. I do believe it's said with good and kind intention though x

I get that the intentions are good. I really feel that everyone’s intentions are good on this thread. But I think it’s also important for us to hear when our advice and interventions are experienced by others in the thread as hurtful.

@Bunnyhair Ive said it quite a few times. I really am sorry it’s so difficult to be in these situations. I honestly believe that it is better to focus on leaving and making a life where your needs are met and not hoping the other person will just be different one day. I’m all for sorry it’s shit for you, but it doesn’t need to be a life sentence. How much time will go by in the meantime. This is a thread for those who need to vent and I’m a how can I move things forward phase now and that’s perfectly ok. I don’t want to invalidate anyone with my views so rant away.

Since joining this thread I do actually feel less guilt, because I understand why it's been so difficult to leave. The safety aspect discussed earlier for example, as well as practical and financial. It's not black and white and if I've stayed a few more years than ideal than at least it's given DD time to grow up a bit more as well as giving me the chance to work on myself a fair bit.

I agree that there is no point hoping the other person will be different one day. I don’t think many of us on this thread are that naive. But we’re not all yet in the (fantastic!) phase that you’re in, of being able to move forward in a practical way.

But it’s not because we are without hope or courage. Nor have we decided the best way forward is to ruminate and surrender to the hopelessness of our situation. It’s because leaving (sharing custody with an irresponsible partner who would absolutely not agree to giving us having full custody) would be dangerous for our children. So many of us are biding our time. And yes, a lot of precious time is passing in the meantime. We know.

I understand, I have miss understood the thread. I joined the thread as I thought I’d get some help with things like hoarding. He drives me bonkers hoarding even the recycling because it might have a use. I love him to bits but I have to be on it daily with the crap he wants to keep! I know it’s due to his autism so wondered if anyone had any tips on how to help or whether it’s even something that can be helped or just accept I’ll be throwing stuff out constantly.