Partner not contributing.. is there an answer?

[Carrotstick123]

Has anyone been in a relationship / married to someone who does the bare minimum around the house. He'll cook tea every now and then, and will put the children to bed. But everything else, tidying, cleaning, all mental load is left to me.
His clothes don't even make it in to the wash basket, so I don't wash them anymore.
He will do some of the DIY around the house, but only if I ask / tell him it needs doing. But again it's something else I have to think about.
On the weekend, he gets up anytime between 9:30am and midday. Unless I ask him to take the kids to a match / party.
Everything is my job, unless I ask him to do it, and it's often met with complaints.
We got a cleaner because he wasn't contributing, but it's not really working when he doesn't tidy up after himself.
I work full time, and the children have various activities after school which means we're often not home until after 7.
Has anyone lived this and been able to find a solution?
For clarity he does have a chronic illness which he's had for a couple of years, and reason he gives for not contributing. But imo his behaviour hasn't changed since being diagnosed, and his medication treats the illness really well.
Other than separating, has anyone found a solution?!

Does he acknowledge your POV at all? I couldn’t live with someone like that and it would be such a huge turn off in terms of respect and intimacy.

Would a written up schedule of shared tasks be useful? A list of expectations which you both agree too?

I couldn’t do it. He would have to go.

Swop him for tax credits.

I‘m not sure why you want options other than separating because it would be the end of thw relationship for me.

He does, and he knows that he doesn't do enough, he'll try and make an effort for a couple of weeks before it's the same old. Then it becomes an argument, and he complains I'm nagging.
It is a HUGE turn off, and he has the audacity to complain that we don't have sex often enough.

We've tried a list, but anything that doesn't fall within the scope of that list is left to me / or doesn't get done. I need him to not just contribute, but to think / see things that need doing.

I think it would be the end for me. For various reasons.

I couldn't find someone like that attractive. He doesn't act like a responsible adult, but like a lazy teenager.

He is happy to watch you work yourself into the ground so he can have an easier life. Utterly selfish and shows a lack of respect for you.

He makes your life harder on a practical and emotional level.

He's a bad role model for your children.

I concur with @perfectcolourfound he is happy to watch you run yourself into the ground whilst having lie-ins and asking for more sex.

Personally I would be having a row every single day, if need be, making his cushioned life harder and harder. Telling him that I don't find him remotely attractive and sex is off the cards until he could step up and be a fucking man. Like a provider, a dad, a generally involved member of the household and family.
Tell him do what you like just don't expect me to be here forever if you carry on like this.

Failing this I would leave.

Yes there is an answer. He changes or he goes?

I mean you could list and allocate tasks (digital list so you can edit etc). But we all know who would need to update, organise and print/share the list, remind about the list etc.

Next time he moans about sex tell him you might have more energy for it if you weren’t doing all the work. And that you may be more attracted to him if he acted like a man and not a wet weekend.

Not sure I CBA though TBH.

People don't change, no matter how many promises they make. If you threaten to kick him out, his promises will ramp right up. You might even believe them, but once things have calmed down again he'll be in a worse than normal state because he will resent you.

I have accepted he won't change. He now works away during the week and does double the hours I do, so at least I don't feel resentful any more. Even adding all my housework and household admin to my 32 hours a week, I've still got more free time than DH does. So now it feels fair, I don't care quite so much.
When he was part time, it was a huge source of frustration!

I think the only thing you can do really is the list, assign him certain jobs and tell him how often they need done, then let him get on with it.

Unfortunately there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change the way he see’s/thinks about what needs doing. The best you can do is write everything down and give him a job list basically. Me and my husband have “lists” of what jobs we each are responsible for and how often because we just have different standards of tidyness, having dirty dishes sit in the sink bothers me whereas my husband wouldn’t mind them sitting there for a few hours as long as there was still a clean mug etc for him to use. I like to tidy as I go so the house never gets too messy whereas he doesn’t mind mess so doesn’t really “see” mess, so the list solved this problem for us because it takes the thinking and the opinions out of it, it’s simple X needs done Y times a week and it’s Z’s job.

It depends what the reason is behind his not doing his bit though, for my husband it wasn’t that he was lazy or didn’t want to, he just didn’t see “mess” the same way I do. Since we did the list he’s on it constantly and since I’ve been pregnant he’s taken on absolutely all of the housework with no complaints at all, he just needed to know what to do and is happy to do it. If your husband just can’t be arsed to do it then a list probably won’t make much difference

So he’s well enough to nag you for sex but can’t pick his own dirty pants up?

Kick the good-for-nothing fucker out.

My entire marriage has been this way I also cover more of the bills despite both working full time. The entire house is my responsibility, shopping, kids, bills, kids swimming, gymnastics etc all me. I’ve finally had enough and I’m leaving later this year.

Even cutting the grass etc Is all me, I’ve no idea what the hell I’ve put up with it for so long. But finally after 22 years I wondered why I’m allowing it. I’m basically a carer for a fully grown adult 🤦‍♀️ having brought it up he told me that’s what women are supposed to do that’s our job. He then goes on his mother done it all, however she sat on benefits her whole life so didn’t work on top.

Maybe talk to him again, as what’s happened here Is my resentment has built and has erupted I cannot stand him, and there’s no going back when you’re there.

You could try a timer system. But he has to agree to it. He has to earn every minute he sits on his arse and wastes away time, by doing household tasks before hand. Or, similar no mobile phone or Tv before Xpm. And you both have till then to get the house sorted.
This is a vesion of do your homework before TV. But making him see what needs to be done is another chore.

It does sound like youve tried to resolve this in the past.

I agree with one of the above posts that - the trouble with lists is that it will be your responsibility no doubt to update the list! What you need (and should expect TBF) is for him to see what neds doing an get on with it without you having to ask. I really don't understand why so many men have trouble doing this.

The only thin i think you can do is give him an ultimatum. Before the next argument crops up - tell him what you expect (for him to behave like a fully functioning adult) and to become an active participant in running all the day to day chores/kids activities. Otherwise he can leave - and mean it.

... oh and tell him sex in the future will be when you want it - and not because he pesters you for it.

Sorry @Unabletomitigate This is how you treat a child - this is OP's husband we're talking about.

I think if you start treating him like a child - he will start acting like one (arguable he already is) but I think it will make things worse for OP.

Other than separating, has anyone found a solution?!

There is no magic solution.

He knows he doesn’t do enough. He admits it. He knows it bothers you.

He doesn’t care.

He’s happy to watch you flog yourself into the ground sorting the house and kids whilst he enjoys a lie in both weekend days and moans that you don’t give him enough sex.

I mean apart from saying outright “I don’t give even the tiniest shit about you” I really don’t know how much more obvious he can make it.

There's no point to him. He's a shit boyfriend (nothing 'partner' about him) and he's a burden.
When you dump him he will have to run his own home and parent his kids, your life will be easier and more pleasant without this slovenly, misogynist sex pest clogging up the place.

You're not dependent on him for housing are you?

There are apps that make sharing chores easier, for example FlatUp!

But like other posters have said, the relationship might not be worth saving. He sounds deeply selfish.

Something had to change for your own health and wellbeing, OP, that's certain. Wishing you all the best.

Don't know why my previous post ended up quoting a PP. Ignore that, sorry

Yeah, this man won't be proactively seeking out an app so he can function as a house member. He's a parasite on the OP, thinks women are domestic appliances and sex providers on demand.

I second this!

Even with a list, it still means you have the mental load.
Exh was like this so every time he left something I'd say " fuck you Jane, you do it' very passive aggressive buy that's how it feels and to me what they're saying when they leave their washing or whatever. He's saying fuck you Carrot, you do it"
Got rid in the end and now share the mental load and everything else equally with new DH

It can only be fixed if he accepts he's in the wrong and does the work to fix it. Which it doesn't sound like he is willing to do.

In which case, you're better off separating. Sorry.

I found a solution... divorce. Annoyingly his house, now he lives alone, is tidy. It was only when I was around that he totally refused to lift a finger. I am still annoyed 6 years on! However it is far easier to live without his mess.