To stay or to go after an affair

[YourMintEagle]

I am really struggling with my current situation and dealing with the aftermath of discovering an affair and would appreciate peoples honest thoughts on where to go from here, or if they have experienced something similar how it worked out for them. This is long because I want to give a bit of context and not drip feed anything.

I have been with DH for almost 15 years, married for 10, and we have 3 children. When we first met our relationship was fun and exciting and we took lots of trips together, we had jobs that paid roughly the same amount. Our relationship has never been smooth sailing, DH can have quite big mood swings and in honesty can be mean at times. I have wondered at points if the things he says are abusive. We’ve experienced the usual pressures that life brings with ageing parents and young children and job stresses but I have never doubted that he is the one for me and that our marriage was for keeps. Since DH out earns me by about ten times my salary and travels for work, I have always been the parent who is more responsible for the children, I have always been happy with this. I work part time and we use wrap around childcare / nursery. Financially I am dependent on DH.

Around 3 years ago DH secured the ‘big’ job, and received a considerable salary jump. He started travelling even more for work. I did notice a change in behaviour, DH became more distracted and irritable with me and I put this down to the fact he was busy with a new job. I became uneasy when he started flying home on a Friday morning rather than a Thursday night which would have been more usual. DH would blame client dinners. I can’t deny I felt uneasy but I did not suspect he was cheating. If anything I just felt he was taking the mick a bit with being away and leaving childcare and school runs and running the house and everything else here to me. However 18 months ago I discovered quite by accident that DH had been having an affair with a colleague for 6 months. My world was absolutely shattered. To add to my utter devastation the same week I found out he was having an affair, I also discovered I was pregnant with our third child (we had been ttc, when I voiced my disgust that he could have encouraged having a third child while having an affair he said that he thought if I got pregnant ‘then he would stop’.) In the aftermath of discovering the affair I threw him out of the house. He changed jobs and pleaded forgiveness. I was almost catatonic for about 6 weeks after finding out what he had done, and I’m not sure if without the pregnancy I would have let him back in but he convinced me it would be a fresh start. Now all this time down the line he is travelling for work and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to deal with. We had agreed initially he would no longer drink alcohol on work trips, he is doing that again, and then blaming drinking on not getting in touch. And he would keep me in the loop in the evening, but again this has fallen by the wayside. What I want to ask is, am I kidding myself on that he will change? Can the relationship recover? I feel absolutely at a loss. Our lives are so tied together I find it difficult to imagine leaving, but at the same time I do know I am not being treated well. I worry that my children at some point will start to notice the tension between us and the last thing I want is for them to be affected by this.

Go. Things will never be the same again anyway.

Just to check I have this right....

• 18 months ago he had an affair which had been going on for 6 months.
• He changed jobs and ended the affair because you found out and were pregnant?
• Since then you've both tried to put it behind you, but now he's travelling for work again you're struggling to trust his word? Especially as he's broken some promises already about not drinking and the volume of contact on work trips.

I think it takes a huge amount of strength to trust again after something like this. Strength I do not think I'd have, but I like to think I'd try. It sounds like you have been trying for 18 months, I'm sorry it's still proving so tough.

What has he said when you've spoken about how you're feeling? Have you tried therapy or anything like that? At the end of the day nothing anyone says on MN will be 100% relevant to your situation as noone on here knows you or your husband so all our own bias's will count against the validity of our advice. The only ones who can work this out are the pair of you. I know some friends who have managed to pick up and move on after affairs, more power to them, and some who have walked away. I guess it's going to completely depend on your strengths of character, your ability and willingness to forgive and forget and whether he's learned his lesson!

Personally I would leave, no matter how hard it is.

It would be incredibly difficult for me to ever learn to trust my husband again after that, I know it wouldn’t be fair on me or him to put us through that, I would need constant reassurance, he would have to have no privacy really at all, and it would be no way to live for either of us, especially with kids involved, so I would leave.

I think the fact that he is already back to travelling, drinking, not checking in etc shows that all you’ve done is show him that he can do whatever he wants and you won’t leave.

I couldn't possibly put my dh through that, if you love someone you want the best for them surely, to cause and see them go through that much pain and hurt isn't love.
Find someone who values your feelings and actually cares about you.

He’s already broken promises that were made to reassure you that he was committed to being trustworthy. This demonstrates he isn’t trustworthy and doesn’t really care how that looks.

This man not only actively tried to have a 3rd child whilst having an affair, then then
used your pregnancy (and vulnerability) to coerce you to remain in a relationship.

He’s a selfish and vile man - I doubt you’ll ever be able to trust him again, nor would you want to frankly.

You said that you worry that some of the things he says are abusive. Can you say more about that?

Having an affair is abusive btw. Lying, sneaking and gaslighting is abuse. Cheating can cause PTSD. Putting your spouse at risk if STDs that can cause death, illness or render them infertile is abusive.

That aside I believe you can reconcile successfully but it takes years - they say 2-5 years but you will never forget and you need to recognise you are starting a new marriage. Both need to be on board and you cannot rugsweep. Rugsweeping will just push the issue into the future. You are 18 months from discovery and you so you would be unusual if you are in a good place. If you are I think you need to ask if you are rugsweeping.

I believe most cheats do not have the right characteristics to reconcile successfully. They have problems with addiction, lying, being sneaky, people pleasing, communication, self control, self soothing, they require external validation. Ego kibbles (smoke up the arse). Unless he addresses why he thought cheating was a good choice and really does the work to fix his issues then I don’t believe you can reconcile successfully. I believe few cheaters really change and recognise the enormity of what they chose to do.

Often the say things like ‘it’s in the past’. ‘Haven’t you got over it’. ‘I told you I wouldn’t cheat again’. Etc. If any of this crap comes from his mouth he is rugsweeping. He cannot repay this debt to you. You can choose to leave a cheat anytime. Now, next month, next year, next decade.

What has your husband done to explore WHY he cheated? What are the reasons he felt he deserved to have a secret girlfriend as well being married? Why does he have a ‘but’ in his fidelity? Why is honesty and integrity not important to him?

His words are cheap and meaningless - So ‘I promise not cheat’ is meaningless. He did that once before and look how that turned out. Is he being honest about alcohol? Does he have other issues (gambling/computer games/gym addiction/cannabis etc?

Checking up on him is pointless. Cheating is easy. I bet I could get a cheap shag by 10pm tonight if I wanted one and wasn’t fussy who it was with. I choose to be faithful for me. It’s a core value of mine. My integrity and honesty is important to me. I do it for me. My husband is my collateral damage.

What reading/ counselling have you done? How are you in yourself? PTSD is real btw. Do you have real life support?

How did you find out he was drinking when he promised not to?

Oh and any mention of ‘my needs weren’t being met’ is also nonsense.

Your need for loyalty, honesty and commitment hasn’t been met - how would shagging the postman - mine is honest, he never steals my post, has worked there for 20 years demonstrating commitment to the job, he’s reliable too as the post is always here by lunchtime - assist you in anyway? It is nonsense.

Life is too short to waste on mean unfaithful men.

Over 70% of cheating spouses cheat more than once (stats from University of Denver.)

You need to leave...and the fear of how difficult it will be on your own shouldn't make you stay. Yes it's hard at first but in the end it will work out.

You will never be happy in this relationship again - you're with a selfish man who doesn't love you and can'teven be bothered to put the work in to fix it. It's miserable and this is how you will feel forever if you stay. If you don't end it right now, you probably will down the road and wish you had done it sooner. Don't waste years of your life. Do it now. I'm sorry you're going through this :(

He said he had the affair because he didn’t feel like I showed him enough appreciation at home and that yes, we weren’t having enough sex. He said we were arguing a lot at the time and that my attention was elsewhere.

I just feel so helpless and devastated to be in this position, and disappointed in myself for continuing to believe the things he says. When I say I feel like some of things he says are abusive he has told me I can’t cope as a mother, he has told me during arguments that when I am not around he feels like there is a weight off and that I am a drain. He laughs at me when I am trying to tell him how I feel. I feel so stupid even writing this down it’s so clear he doesn’t actually care about me.

So he has used the ‘my needs weren’t being met, it’s your fault’. He hasn’t done the work.

So he has a but in his fidelity. I am faithful but not if my wife doesn’t have enough sex with me’ ‘I am faithful but not if you give your attention to our children’ ‘I am faithful but not if you piss me off after an arguement’. They are possibly some of his buts.

Have you read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’or ‘Not just friends’ by Shirley glass?

He could have attempted to talk to you about those issues and chosen to contribute more to the house and 3 children so that your attention wasn't so divided (and let's be real he should have been doing this automatically. It doesn't matter what his work arrangements are, he is a parent too). If you were arguing a lot he could have suggested you try couples counseling etc. Lots of things that could have happened to work on and mend the situation, which is what you do when you're a decent person with morals and part of a committed relationship. But no...his default was to go abdondon you and his children on these trips and stick his penis inside of someone else.

You are not at fault OP. All relationships will have some issues. Those that default to cheating instead of working it out with their spouse are fundamentally flawed. Selfishness is their default. Your DP is even worse with deliberately getting you pregnant. I could never ever get over this.

And, whilst feeling so neglected, had he tried talking to you about it? Had he organised counselling for you both? Did he stop and think that ttc a third child with a wife he no longer was compatible with, was completely immoral and unfair? After
he slept with the OW the first, second and third time and beyond - did he think about the impact on you and his kids? Was he planning to confess and leave?

No.

He assumed he’d get away with it. He continued trying to bring a third child into the world. It is a breathtaking act of deception and cruelty.

By the way - I stopped drinking socially and at work events - twice when I was pregnant. And then again when I was breastfeeding my kids. So in total four years.

It's really easy to do. You just don’t drink.

So unless he has an alcoholic addiction he’s also concealing from you, there’s no excuse for going back to drinking.

I am actually quite soft on reconciliation after affairs - I think it’s worth a try in many cases- but in this case, I’d say no. He has had more than enough chances. I think he needs to be outed for his infidelity amongst family and friends and you need to separate from him for your own sanity.

Op - he’s not remorseful.

The book ‘Cheating in a nutshell’ is worth reading. It’s very to the point and may kill dead feelings you have for him - so if you want to reconcile maybe read the ones I listed above.

But you need to work on you. You are the priority here then the marriage. Have you got real life support? Have you got a counsellor ? Can you get one (one specialising in trauma - any hint of Unmet needs you need to sack them)? Emdr therapy may help you.

No one but me can make me cheat. It’s impossible. I choose not to cheat for me. My self esteem, my integrity. My word means everything to me. So I don’t cheat for me. If my husband comes home and annoys me. I choose to remain faithful. It’s a daily choice. Only I can make me cheat.

He is not reconciliation material unless something changes drastically in him - and he will only ever change for HIM.

Do you work? Sorry edited to say - I see you are part time. Can you go full time? Do you have family to move in with?

He's seen an opportunity and gone for it, he is using the above as excuses.
Next time there's an opportunity to have an affair, they'll be another set of reasons why it was your doing.
You're better than this, give yourself the respect he isn't and leave him to it.

I can’t believe he blamed you 🙄
I would say leave but I know it’s easier said than done. I don’t know how divorce would affect your money/kids/house/work though so you’d have to think a bit obviously

I tried counselling initially but I couldn’t bare it I felt traumatised tbh. I almost didn’t go through with the pregnancy because of how bad things were and that’s left me with a lot of guilt. I don’t have much real life support with this and in terms of leaving I don’t have the financial means to support myself. I work but it doesn’t pay well enough to cover the mortgage.

This. You will never have a moments peace. You will always wait for the other shoe to drop. You deserve better.

Go. What's the point of spending your life with someone who deceived you and could at any time do so again.

Plus he's a moody bastard.

So sorry to learn of your situation, beyond difficult, my heart goes out to you. It is so hard as nothing is ever black or white, just different shades of grey. However your husband sounds like he is in a situation where he will have the temptation and the opportunity to be unfaithful again if he decides to do so. Only you know if you can trust him not to, personally not sure I could. I would settle for a lesser life style and a job where your husband doesn't get to travel and it's easier to 'check in'. The way he is behaving is giving you cause for concern, and given his previous actions, I would find his lack of consideration unforgivable and unacceptable.

It will be very hard for you to ever feel safe again. It is impossible if your husband isn't keeping to the boundaries you put in. If he is genuine about wanting his marriage to work he will stick to them. He isn't keeping in touch with you, as he promised, he is drinking, which he promised he wouldn't do.
These were boundaries you both put in to save the relationship, he has broken those. What do you want to do about this? He has shown that he will break promises to you, even now. He has shown that he will not respect your boundaries. My guess is he made those promises as lip service and now hes back and time has passed he doesn't think they are important. But they are very important.
I think a relationship in this situation can only survive if the betraying partner puts in every effort to ensure his partner feels safe. He needs to be transparent, no lies, no broken promises. Also communication needs to be optimum.

Initially I'd be inclined to visit a solicitor just so you know exactly where you would stand legally with regard to finances etc. I think just getting this knowledge can be empowering. If you can get a counsellor so you can start to mentally get your ducks in a row too. Concentrate on yourself and your children if you can. Look after your mental wellbeing.

If you were to leave, you would likely be able to get some support from him towards housing costs etc, so you wouldn't be liable on your own while your children are still at home.

Unless he was to fight for 50/50, which seems unlikely with such a "Big Job"

I would suggest you go and see a divorce lawyer, and see what they say.
Might help you make a more informed decision.