To stay or to go after an affair

[YourMintEagle]

I am really struggling with my current situation and dealing with the aftermath of discovering an affair and would appreciate peoples honest thoughts on where to go from here, or if they have experienced something similar how it worked out for them. This is long because I want to give a bit of context and not drip feed anything.

I have been with DH for almost 15 years, married for 10, and we have 3 children. When we first met our relationship was fun and exciting and we took lots of trips together, we had jobs that paid roughly the same amount. Our relationship has never been smooth sailing, DH can have quite big mood swings and in honesty can be mean at times. I have wondered at points if the things he says are abusive. We’ve experienced the usual pressures that life brings with ageing parents and young children and job stresses but I have never doubted that he is the one for me and that our marriage was for keeps. Since DH out earns me by about ten times my salary and travels for work, I have always been the parent who is more responsible for the children, I have always been happy with this. I work part time and we use wrap around childcare / nursery. Financially I am dependent on DH.

Around 3 years ago DH secured the ‘big’ job, and received a considerable salary jump. He started travelling even more for work. I did notice a change in behaviour, DH became more distracted and irritable with me and I put this down to the fact he was busy with a new job. I became uneasy when he started flying home on a Friday morning rather than a Thursday night which would have been more usual. DH would blame client dinners. I can’t deny I felt uneasy but I did not suspect he was cheating. If anything I just felt he was taking the mick a bit with being away and leaving childcare and school runs and running the house and everything else here to me. However 18 months ago I discovered quite by accident that DH had been having an affair with a colleague for 6 months. My world was absolutely shattered. To add to my utter devastation the same week I found out he was having an affair, I also discovered I was pregnant with our third child (we had been ttc, when I voiced my disgust that he could have encouraged having a third child while having an affair he said that he thought if I got pregnant ‘then he would stop’.) In the aftermath of discovering the affair I threw him out of the house. He changed jobs and pleaded forgiveness. I was almost catatonic for about 6 weeks after finding out what he had done, and I’m not sure if without the pregnancy I would have let him back in but he convinced me it would be a fresh start. Now all this time down the line he is travelling for work and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to deal with. We had agreed initially he would no longer drink alcohol on work trips, he is doing that again, and then blaming drinking on not getting in touch. And he would keep me in the loop in the evening, but again this has fallen by the wayside. What I want to ask is, am I kidding myself on that he will change? Can the relationship recover? I feel absolutely at a loss. Our lives are so tied together I find it difficult to imagine leaving, but at the same time I do know I am not being treated well. I worry that my children at some point will start to notice the tension between us and the last thing I want is for them to be affected by this.

What you have to remember I am afraid is that he lied to you every single day for six months. There were times when he didn't call you because he was with someone else. There were times when he told her bad things about you in order to make himself look better. I think under the circumstances and given the way he's behaving now I just couldn't stay with him. I would tell him it was over and go about seeing solicitors. Quite frankly he doesn't sound a nice guy anyway and I'm sure that being without him will feel like a relief.

Can you afford to go back to counselling? You need to focus on healing yourself and getting yourself into a good place. A Trauma experienced counsellor. But really make sure they don’t discuss unmet needs - having even 1% of the blame dumped on you will not help.

Can you increase your earnings - any courses you can do?

Can you afford to have an appointment with a solicitor. Don’t pay for it from a joint account of course. You need to find out where you stand legally. You cannot make an informed decision without knowing where you stand.

If he is abusive (he sounds like he is) then find out your information and don’t discuss with him. If you decide to divorce and feel you can just present him with divorce papers you will save yourself the hassle of him wailing and ranting and raving and crying on the floor. If you can it will really help your head space.

He made choices that he knew could be a deal breaker. He broke the marriage contract so look after yourself. Your recovery and mental health is your priority.

There is a book by Kamil Ravikant called ‘ Love yourself like your life depends on it’. It’s worth a read. The exercises are very good.

If you were to leave, you would likely be able to get some support from him towards housing costs etc, so you wouldn't be liable on your own while your children are still at home

This is sound advice.

Stress makes us ill, physically and mentally. Many women living in stressful situations develop an illness that prevents them from leaving later down the line.

Leave now, with financial support and your health.

Please go and see a solicitor, and see where you stand. And start gathering the info you need to start proceedings (do as much as you can before you tell him your plans).

Expect him to put up a fight if you decide to go. To make promises (which you know he won't keep, as he didn't last time). To do what he can to get you back in your place.

And sadly, this won't be because he loves you and wants to be with you. It will be because he doesn't want the stress and inconvenience of a divorce, or to share his assets with you, to down-size his home, to lose his childcare and housekeeper, to lose his reputation as a family man, to hurt his ego by the idea of someone walking away from him.

He'll make hollow promises that he doesn't intend to keep, and which will go out of the window once you've backed down. Then he'll revert to his true self, only worse (because he'll know you'll threaten to leave but won't go through with it).

You deserve better. I suspect you'll be better off financially than you imagine if you divorce. It will be better for your children. It will be better for your self esteem. Your life will be calmer and happier.

There’s a reason why the majority of couples fail to ‘reconcile’ after infidelity. I think it’s something like 86% are divorced within five years.

it’s like a poison at the heart of your marriage. You can ignore it for a time and be in denial. But it’s there and it will catch up with you.

cheaters rarely change. I actually don’t think they are capable. You are far better off leaving and having peace, and giving yourself the freedom to find someone who actually values and respects you. This is your one life.

Ive been with my husband for nearly 50 years and there is nothing that would persuade me to stay with my husband if I'd ever found out that he had cheated on me in any way - even just a drunken fumble with someone. I could never look at him in the same way if I ever thought that he had wanted to be physically intimate with another woman and I have enough respect for myself that I would end our relationship immediately. I've always felt the same even during the days when I was a stay at home mum with a young child and no income - I would have found a way to have left him.

Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. I wanted my family to work so much I think I have been in a state of denial.

Please remember it is very easy to give advice and tell you what you should do when there is no emotional involvement. Nobody knows what they would do in your situation until they are actually faced with it and it is their world which is falling apart. Whatever you decide I hope you have supportive family and friends and please look after yourself.

Id look for professional/legal help even if it’s just with a charity at first. Women’s aid or something. He’s in the wrong anyway and it doesn’t hurt to at least look

God @YourMintEagle this is shocking. I have a horrible affair story and thought that it was one of the absolute worst anyone would ever have heard of...but to keep TTC with you whilst continuing an affair is despicable and makes my own story sound utterly trivial. The man is utter, utter scum and you (and your kids) deserve so much better.

Not my own experience, but I know of a guy who had multiple affairs. Also sleeping around whilst TTC his two daughters.

he was sleeping with an OW whilst his wife’s mum was dying, having hit her head and was alone in her flat. He was supposed to have been going to check on her. By the time he eventually got there she had died.

the wife stayed with him.

honestly the mind boggles. The amount of denial is staggering.

Don’t be this way OP. It hurts to stand up and face it because the horror of it all is almost too much to bear but it is better than running and hiding from it your whole life.

I would go, @YourMintEagle. Your H is unremorseful and uninvested in helping you heal from the trauma of his cheating, stealing your agency, and risking your and your baby’s health.

He is a manipulative, abusive adulterer who has shifted the blame for his unethical choices to you. This was not about you at all. He was responsible for protecting his fidelity. If he had issues, he had ethical options to use to deal with them. He didn’t. In truth, he wanted to chase illicit thrills while you were raising his children and holding down the fort, so he devalued you and created distance to justify his infidelity. Instead of showering you with love, respect, appreciation and support, he served you shit sandwiches while he ate cake.

Despite his initial pleading and promises, he is now trashing and reneging on your recovery requirements. Resuming his use of alcohol and swerving contact when away are contemptuous and destructive actions. As he is showing a lack of true remorse and empathy, I would classify this as a false reconciliation.

@YourMintEagle, I urge you to see a solicitor and formulate an exit plan. Consider revisiting IC for support and clarity. Please don’t contort yourself to swallow the stress and anxiety caused by this cruel, untrustworthy man. Do not believe his manipulative belittling meant to make you feel small. As for your children, this is a damaging relationship model that they are absorbing.

I hope you will keep posting for our support.

@YourMintEagle how did he react when you discovered the affair?

How did you find out? You said it was by surprise?

@TheCatOnMorrisseysHead how did you cope?

My work laptop wasn’t working and he gave me his old one to use, not realising it was connected to his messenger. I literally saw the conversation pop up saying that he couldn’t stop thinking about fucking her later. At first my brain thought how is a message to me appearing on here. Before I realised it wasn’t a message to me he was messaging someone else.

@YourMintEagle what an idiot he is!

My advice would be to focus on yourself and your 3 children. Get yourself happy with very little focus on him. Build yourself up. Then, if you do feel like you want to leave, you'll be ready and you'll be sure.

The simple answer is that the man you married is an unkind man, a man that no decent person should be near, he's cruel and ungrateful, that you should have bore his child and he treats you with such contempt.
He loves himself without concience, without care for others, even for the best survival of his offspring, he is an single person unable to consider even the closest of humans to him.

He will destroy anyone.

Go and see a solicitor, this man thinks nothing of anyone around him who he should think of, he is useless and of no use to you. Disengage it will take time but this will happen anyway even if you decided to make a go of it, for you cannot have a relationship with someone who is empty of emotions, you may as well live with an angry brick and his words are false and meaningless.

Try to loosen the ties and see him for what he is, an empty void who can help no one but himself, you will get there, the short cut may hurt but it will be less time wasted and the least damage done.

Forget him, put him in a wet bag to mould in your mind, let the memories die.
I hope you get over him sooner rather than later, I wouldn't waste your time expecting love from such as him.

This is a horrid situation for you OP, but one that I think plays out over and over in these circumstances.

Your lives are seismically different now to the extent that you literally can't relate to each other anymore.

Some more cynical types would stay and make the most of an incredibly comfortable lifestyle, but a lot, like you, would be heartbroken.

I know many who've stayed, some are now living in different countries from each other, but still married, the children with the wife or older and left home. Some have divorced with a sizeable payout.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think this is recoverable. I think you need to leave, take what you are entitled too & start again.

You will get alot of maintenance from him and possibly get to live in your home with your DC. Get a good lawyer and advice. Don’t stay for financial reasons if you feel emotionally you cannot continue. You’ve been through a lot, I cannot tell you to stay or leave but it sounds like you at breaking point - nervous and anxious

It could be a brilliant opportunity to make a move for yourself if the current home was a compromise? What would you like your life to look like?

But you were ttc? So you were having regular enough sex to get pregnant! Excuses, that's all his "reasons" are.

You've tried, it's not worked and it won't work as you don't trust him and he's not giving you any reason to.

Repairing and surviving an affair takes a lot of blood sweat and tears from both parties. For him to be going back on work trips, drinking and doing things he promised he wouldn't means you'll never recover from this.

I'd cut your losses and leave him. Give yourself chance to have a normal life without all the guilt, what ifs and pain of trying to rebuild a relationship with someone who is clearly eye wateringly selfish.

I'm speaking from experience, I tried for 3 years to keep a relationship with my dh after he had an affair. I wish I'd not bothered as it's 3 years I'll never get back. I'm so much happier now.

I'm so sorry - how cruel he is. He has done none of the work, and instead has taken your loyalty for granted and even tried to shift his guilt by blaming you for his actions. So what if you were distant? A proper man would have worked on the marriage, not looked elsewhere. When did that ever solve anything? Currently he believes you have no power, so he can act as he wishes.

Now, I would look into gathering details of the family finances and seeing a solicitor. This does not mean that you'll go straight to divorce and that's that, but it means he will be delivered the shock he needs. Once you know your future position and rights, tell him he needs to move out for a bit as his actions mean you can't trust him anymore (don't let him know you're gathering finances first, in case he turns nasty and hides things) and you;re thinking of divorce. Only when he realises what he might lose will you see how he really feels, and whether he will fight for you. Your marriage may not be over - or you may decide life is quieter and simpler without his stress. But your choice though, as now the power is back where it should be, with you.