How to fall back in love

[NoraLuka]

Is it even possible to make feelings come back once they’re gone or is it just delaying the inevitable? Sorry for the upcoming essay but I think it would help to write everything down!

I’m just tired of DP and would like to leave, but at the same time he is a good bloke and I worry I’d be making a huge mistake.

He drinks quite a bit, to the point that one of his own friends sat him down and told him he needs to pack it in. He gets proper falling down drunk every month or so, ordinary drunk most weekends. He works full time and hardly drinks during the week so would never see himself as having a problem, but I can’t be doing with it anymore. A couple of weeks ago the barman had to help me get him into the car and asked if I’d be ok and looked as though he felt sorry for me. I don’t want to carry on like this.

He also doesn’t do much around the house etc. We don’t have DC together but I have my own teenagers and don’t have the energy to deal with a bloke who tries to party like a 20 year old.

He was upset when I said I wanted to split up and said he would change - is doing a food shop right now - but we’ve been here before and he’ll probably go back to normal in a couple of weeks. I did love him before but that’s gone now and I can’t even remember what it felt like tbh.

It could be argued his primary relationship is with drink, not you.

What did you think about his mate sitting him down to talk to him about his drinking?. Were you shocked/surprised at that?.

I would have to say that talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean I,e no effect whatsoever. The only person who can address this is his own self and he is showing no signs of wanting to. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards. Of course he was upset when you told him you wanted to split up, you are basically facilitating and otherwise enabling him to carry on like he does!.

Your teenagers also do not have to see or hear even this man fall down drunk once a month nor get plastered every weekend. Do not forget too they see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to this. He is not a good role model for them. Do not do your own bit here to keep on showing them what a loveless relationship is like as they could well go onto replicate that themselves. You also need to get off this merry go around named denial now and permanently too. Talking to al-anon could also help you.

What is the situation re the finances and property?.

He doesn’t sound like a “good bloke”. Him picking up groceries really isn’t going to change the drinking situation. The only thing that would help is if he realised he has a huge drinking problem, this is the root of the issue. I don’t think you can fall back in love with him how things currently are. And I wouldn’t consider having a baby with this man.

I was surprised about his mate talking to him. He actually said he cares about DP and is worried, I’ve known this guy for years and he is also quite a heavy drinker, not into talking about feelings and one of the last people I’d have imagined coming out with something like that. It was as though he’d planned what he was going to say and waited until I was there to say it because he knew I’d agree. DP had drunk quite a few at that point so I’m not sure how much he remembers about the conversation but I’m waiting for the right time to talk about it again.

It was such a relief to have someone else spontaneously say what I’ve been thinking for ages.

I don’t know if he’d be classed as an alcoholic but he definitely over does it.

I could move out, it’s his house so it wouldn’t be the other way around.

Definitely no baby ever, my DC will be adults soon, I’m not starting over now! I sometimes think that might be DP’s problem, if he had a family he’d be different. But I was always clear about not having more DC and I’m sure that is the right decision.

"I don't know if he'd class himself as having a drink problem". "I don't know if he's an alcoholic".

There's your two problems right there. Both of you in massive denial. Of course he's an alcoholic. Just because he can go to work and have alcohol free days doesn't mean hes not alcohol dependent and his drinking is heavily disordered. This is basic... you give him an ultimatum and a deadline, then leave if he breaks it. The answer to your question is yes you could get it back, but he needs to be sober and acknowledge his problem for that to be possible. Having been where you are, sadly I wouldn't be optimistic, sorry 😞

@AttilaTheMeerkat I agree that talking is not useful but not sure what else to do. I might try to get him to do some kind of sport or something so he makes different friends because most of his current mates are part of the problem tbh. Obviously he is the only one responsible for himself and his drinking.

@NoraLuka thing is he should feel some responsibility towards your children as teens even and set them a good example. It doesn’t seem like he views himself as part of the family. How do your teenagers feel about him?
I do think the drinking is a huge issue here and if you want to stay with this it has to be addressed.

I think I need to hear that tbh. I don’t really drink myself but a lot of DP’s friends do and I might have lost sight of what is normal.

You have indeed lost sight of what is normal here and heavy drinkers also tend to associate with other heavy drinkers.

do not encourage him to do sport and the like, it won’t last long and it’s an example of you mothering him.

you should only issue an ultimatum if you are fully prepared to follow through with it, if you cannot do this then do not issue one.

I would seriously consider moving out. Am sorry but this is no life really for you or your children. They likely know that a barman had to help your man into a car and that is the behaviour of an alcoholic.

you have a choice re him and your children do not. Make better choices for both you and they.

@Secondstart1001 the DC like him - he never does anything with them or anything but they get along ok. Never any kind of issues between them. I try to make sure they don’t see him drunk and he rarely drinks at home.

I think we are digressing from how you feel? Do you still love him .. it sounds like you are unsure ? x

@AttilaTheMeerkat I have been thinking about moving out for quite a while, but these past few weeks have been a kind of tipping point.

I had a thread a while back about DP coming home drunk in the middle of the night and waking me up, etc. Most people on that thread said it wouldn’t bother them but I don’t think I said how often it happens. The thing that bothered me most about that was he told me who brought him home, but I later found out it was someone else entirely and DP didn’t remember any of it.

Even if it was possible to fall in love again, why would you?

He is an alcoholic, doesn't contribute at home, doesn't give a good example to your children, and you don't have feelings for him.

Why on earth stay? We only get one life.

Totally unsure. He is a lovely person (I know everyone says that about horrible men but he really is!) but there’s the drinking and having to do most of the housework etc. I’m just tired of it all really.

He's not an alcoholic. He's got issues with alcohol. I can only guess something's bothering him. Not necessarily you that's the issue. You need to try and talk but ultimately it's something he needs to change if he loves you. I'll be honest I did exactly the same thing to my husband a couple of years ago. I'd go all week without a drink and then boom. Friday I'd get paralytic and call him boring and do shitty things.

I don't know how or why he put up with it but he did. Now we are married and I love him unconditionally. At the time it was something in my head that I needed to sort. I'm not sure if this helps but just giving you what I went through or should I say my husband went through. Please try talking and been open with each other

NoraLuka

What are you getting out of this relationship now with this man?. What’s in this still for you?.

Your relationship bar is so very low it’s pitiful. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

How can you say the children like him when he had not much if anything to do with them?. How does that work out for you?. Every weekend he gets drunk, that’s mainly what they see re him. They probably put up with him because they want you as their mum to be happy and they like seeing you happy. However, you’re not happy and the reasons why you are not are completely understandable.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing them?. Would you like them to be with someone like this man in their relationship?. You’re showing them that currently at least, this from him is still acceptable to you.

What has been preventing you to date from leaving this man?. Is it fear of his reaction, fear of the unknown, potential money worries, the (forlorn)hope that things will improve?

Nothing you've said so far is "good", in fact it's pretty bad.

I worry that if I left him he’d just get worse and worse tbh. He says he doesn’t know what he’d do if I left him. I also worry I’d be lonely. We have been together for over 10 years and most of our friends were his friends first. I see them as my friends too but I’m fairly sure they’d all drop me if we split up.

I lived on my own with the DC for a few years before meeting him, and it was horribly lonely but maybe it would be different now the children are older. DD1 is actually supposed to be moving away for uni in September. Over the past few months I have deliberately started doing different things outside of work, volunteering and sport and things. I’m absolutely not trying to meet another bloke but I think it does me good to meet new people.

@JNicko I think there’s something in what you’re saying about there being something bothering him. There must be an underlying reason for behaving like this.

I have an appointment at the bank soon to try and get a clear view of exactly what I can afford to do etc.

He is NOT your responsibility when all
is said and done. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much this relates to your own behaviour in this . You are only responsible for your own self and children ultimately. I asked you what you get out of this relationship now, you did not /could not answer that question.

your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by poor relationships and life experiences, are being further got at by this man now.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. A barman had to help you get your man into a car because he was that drunk. You’ve been
moving on with your life whilst he continues to drink himself into a stupor weekly.

Stop trying to analyse what is potentially bothering him because it’s a rabbit hole by otherwise.
He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so. He does not see that this is a problem and denial here is a powerful force.

To him you are there to prop him and his drinking up and otherwise facilitate him and his life. You are teaching your children, particularly your Dd here , very harmful lessons on relationships.

It could well be that you feel alone now within this relationship. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never really been with you either. You’re not his number 1 priority.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

What is the situation re the property. Is this property solely owned by him?. If so your position here is particularly precarious.

Are you named on a mortgage or tenancy agreement if applicable.

From what you are saying, he is getting black out drunk to the point where the other heavy drinkers are saying it.
I hope you get good support on this thread because he is an alcoholic and I would not have children living in that environment. Good luck.

Yes it’s his house that he bought years before we met but I have savings and I work, money isn’t what’s stopping me making a decision - I’m aware that is a fortunate position to be in.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I didn’t answer what I get from this relationship because I don’t know at the moment. He does genuinely love me and he is a kind person, never violent, doesn’t lie, cheat, gamble or anything like that. So I guess there’s far worse than him out there.

Ideally I’d move out for some space and time to think but not sure what that would look like in practice. I have been dreaming of a solo holiday for a long time, where I don’t have to think about what DP or the DC want all the time. I might actually try to go away for a weekend or something.

In any case thanks to everyone who posted, it does help to hear outside opinions on all this.

There’s far better than he out there as well. He loves the drink more than you. More importantly what happened to you that your boundaries along with your sense of normal have been this badly trashed?

Not to mention the effects all this crap is having on your DC. They are seeing this man drunk every weekend and you picking up the pieces. They see all your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him.

If you do not know what is in this relationship for you then why are you still there?. Apart from a fear of being alone that is, I am certain this has a lot to do with you remaining there now.

Would you really leave your DC with him for a weekend?. You cannot leave them with him given he has not much to do with them. And he gets drunk most weekends too.

Your so called good point so re him are also the barest of bare minimal requirements for a relationship too. I would urge you not to spend the next 10 months, let alone another 10 years, like this now. As I state you have a choice re this man, they do not.

He’s a good guy yet is clearly an alcoholic and you’ve said he does f all around the house?

of course he doesn’t want to split with you. He’s basically got a live in maid who lets him act however he wants.

raise your standards and realise that a relationship should bring so much more to your life. You should feel wanted, appreciated, seen, heard and loved.