Partner never apologises?

[mightybox]

I've noticed a pattern with my partner of 2 years.

He never apologises, and if I press him for an apology he won't say sorry. Instead he says 'well I do apologise' in a condescending way. If we bicker or argue he will never apologise for raising his voice or being unreasonable. For me it's really important to apologise to clear the air and move on.

I've ignored his behaviour for a while but it's bothering me because yesterday he accidentally dropped a book on my foot (it was heavy) and even then he didn't say 'oh sorry'. When I asked him why he said I should 'know that he is sorry and that it was an accident'.

I've been thinking about this all day and don't know if it's a big red flag or if we can work through it...either way I'm not happy being with someone who can't/won't apologise.

I had an ex like this. I am sure there's a name for it. I told my ex about something that really hurt my feelings and he said he wanted to go and think about it. I assumed he was going to tell me the outcome of his thoughts and I got "I could have done things differently" not better, not a sorry. I realise now he was an absolute text book narcissist.

My mother was like this too.

I don't think you need to look for problems but I think there's something wrong there...

It's a huge red flag and you've been more than forewarned. You will never have a healthy relationship with this man. It's not possible.

My ex was also like this. He once told me with a sort of air of pride that he only ever apologises if he's genuinely sorry, so I could know that he meant it when he did say it. I remember thinking that seemed reasonable and that maybe the issues I was wanting an apology for were my fault as he suggested.
He never apologised for any of the times he called me a useless cunt in front of our child , or refused to speak to me, or physically harmed me and then it dawned on me that that meant he wasn't sorry for doing those things. Our toddler commented one night to me that daddy never apologises to her for anything, and that's when I left.
People who can't apologise can't face the fact that their behaviour has been unacceptable and hurt someone else so they choose to shove that back onto the person they've hurt or upset. It's immature at best and signals much bigger issues.

Do not be with anyone who cannot and equally will not apologise.

He should become your ex partner. Such men do not change and this is who he is. Do not settle for such. Why have you ignored his behaviour to date? He would not be half as forgiving to you if the shoe was on the other foot.

What is the situation here re finances and property?.

F

My ex was like this. He broke my Kindle, stepped on my foot with his boots, backed into a pole with my car… not once did he apologize. The ten years I knew him he never apologized for anything he did to me, even if they were simple accidents. Just showed me what type of man he really is.

I ignored it because we hadn't had that many arguments. I was enjoying being with him, the life we were enjoying outweighed the odd argument and lack of apology. I'm noticing more now and it's ringing alarm bells.

We live together but we rent. I work full time, as does he. Our finances are separate.

Such people are really tedious, and life is too short for that type.

I hate people like this! I have a friend and a colleague who are both exactly like this, they will never ever ever say sorry, never an apology for anything they do, and I always think how difficult it must be to be with someone like that.

Both my husband and I are big on apologising when we are in the wrong because I don’t think you can really have healthy relationships without being able to hold your hands up when you get it wrong and simply saying you are sorry.

Knowing when to apologise is key to a healthy relationship. Both sides should be capable of it and able to discuss it in an adult manner if an apology isn't forthcoming when the injured party feels it should be.
It's social lubricant, the fact he didn't go "oh shit, sorry love, is your foot ok?" Speaks volumes about how he regards you, which is apparently very little and certainly shows a lack of respect. I'd not be renewing the rental and I'd be looking to move on asap.

Considering most people would apologise to a complete stranger for lot less than that, it is definitely a red flag.

Imagine not wanting to say sorry for accidentally hurting your own partner.

Would he not expect an apology from you if you did the same thing?

And when you say you would like an apology, he refuses, and says you're wrong? That's the second red flag right there. A decent person would definitely apologise in that case.

Are there any other red flags you can think of?

Now is a very good time to walk away. He will not get better and will only display more and more contempt towards you, which is what this is

People like this have no empathy, and are fundamentally incapable of acknowledging that they are in the wrong and apologising. They don't feel sorry so they don't say it.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this, you might want to think about ending the relationship to be honest.

My ex was like this too.... run.... you Can and will do better!!!

He used to be terrible at arguing - as in it wasn't constructive. It was stroppy and sulky. He'd argue over repeated things instead of acknowledging we needed to compromise.

After me saying I was fed up and a healthy relationship needs two people to discuss, not have a sulk, I did notice he stopped doing that.

Right now he feels like too much hard work tbh. I don't want someone to teach how to argue or show them the importance of saying sorry....

Yes my ex didn't believe in empathy, said there is no such thing.... wish I had ran!!

Btw you will never teach him to say sorry or understand empathy, don't fool yourself that you can change him.

My DH used to be rubbish at apologising. For him it was learned behaviour, as his mum never apologises for anything.

Years ago (before we were married) I pointed this out to DH (including the bit about being like his mum - that hit home!) and he made a massive effort to improve. He's pretty good at it now.

So I think it's possible to change - but only if your DP is able to accept that this is an issue and willing to make the effort to change.

@toblerone let's hope he stays that way! I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks that behaviour is acceptable at any level.

Oh yes he has stayed that way - this was about 20 years ago!

This is interesting. His family give each other the silent treatment. I find his mum really passive aggressive. Something will bother her and she never says, she just huffs and puffs or plays it down whilst stewing on it. I wonder if people like that ever apologise?

Most of the time our relationship is great and we're on the same page. But like you said, he needs to recognise his errors and be willing to change, as I'm struggling with his inability to say sorry.

My EX husband would never apologise. It was part of his Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I wish I'd left years ago, but I kept trying to make him understand.They don't change, in fact it gets worse as they age. It's a miserable existence for their partner and children.
Get out whilst you have no children or joint commitments.

I think the thing I found very upsetting being with someone who never apologised was it made me feel as though I was either over reacting, too sensitive, needy, you name it... maybe I was those things at times but not all the time. It just made me feel as though he wouldn't ever recognise my feelings in relation to him as being valid.

My DH has eventually learned to say sorry but for years he would say "I said I was sorry" when clearly he hadn't. It took a long time for him to realise that he actually has to say sorry and not get huffy pretending he already said it. I think teaching our child was easier! But he's wonderful in every other way so I persevered and he does say it unprompted now. His parents never say it so it's definitely learned behaviour.

I'm also in this position with my wife - very rarely apologises and never says sorry for silent treatment or other behaviour which causes hurt and upset. For those who are in newer relationships definitely recommend making a stand on this type of behaviour and having clear boundaries on it, to avoid one sided relationship where only one partner can swallow their pride and admit they're in the wrong