Partner never apologises?

[mightybox]

I've noticed a pattern with my partner of 2 years.

He never apologises, and if I press him for an apology he won't say sorry. Instead he says 'well I do apologise' in a condescending way. If we bicker or argue he will never apologise for raising his voice or being unreasonable. For me it's really important to apologise to clear the air and move on.

I've ignored his behaviour for a while but it's bothering me because yesterday he accidentally dropped a book on my foot (it was heavy) and even then he didn't say 'oh sorry'. When I asked him why he said I should 'know that he is sorry and that it was an accident'.

I've been thinking about this all day and don't know if it's a big red flag or if we can work through it...either way I'm not happy being with someone who can't/won't apologise.

I know a few people like that and they just seem v immature and ego driven. He sounds like a toddler in your later post

Stbx is like that. If I've ballsed up, the first thing I say is sorry. I don't even think about it, it's a natural reaction. I do mean it too, I feel bad if I've accidentally hurt someone / upset them. I could never understand why stbx didn't care to apologise. I realise now that it was because he is utterly incapable of seeing anything except through the prism of his own self interest. That is to say, he only cares about things that affect him. No empathy. I believe that there are decent men out there who aren't like this. I'm not sure if I'll bother looking for one though, they do seem few and far between.

I have been through similar and it's a tendency I really dislike. As adults we all need to be able to apologise when we are in the wrong, we get taught to apologise/empathise as children. It's a real sign of having no empathy and that's a very hard thing for a person to fix (if they even wanted to). If this bothers you now, you may not be compatible as you're probably a nice empathetic person

Thank you for all the replies.

I had a long discussion with him about apologies and he was so defensive and didn't seem to care about it

Sadly I think it's time for me to re-think and be grateful I'm not further tied to this man

OP again from experience, it suggested to me that he literally couldn't see things from my perspective.

I’m in a similar boat but I like you, I didn’t start properly questioning this until much later. In my case his mother is also the same, won’t take any accountability and ironically my DH dislikes that about her yet he is absolutely the same. Like others have said, he is ultimately selfish and self interested, struggles to find empathy with others (especially me) and I ultimately have grown to totally resent him for it. I’ve kept him at arms length for a long time because of it and ultimately when the time is right will leave him.

You have said you need to re-think, my opinion is that regardless of the reason why he is like that, he is not for you.

I had an ex like this. Major red flag. Being able to apologise is a huge part of being in a mature relationship.

He would only apologise if I really pushed him and then it would be “I’m sorry BUT”…. and then he would tell me why I was really to blame for what he had done.

In my experience people who are unable to apologise also tend to be very selfish, lack emotional intelligence and are unable to be in a loving equal partnership.

He doesn't care that he's hurt you, has zero empathy and dismisses your (valid) feelings, then turns it all on you.

It's an absolute guarantee this will only get worse, empathy can't be taught.

I wonder if he shows any empathy with others, or is this just reserved especially for you? Not that it makes a difference to how you should react.

I could have written your post @mightybox Feeling exact same. 3.5 years in though and don't live together. I always end up apologising for stuff that wasn't even my fault! Like if I get a bit annoyed if he hasn't done something he should have. Then I end up apologising for being annoyed, Feel a real loss of any connection. Have you made a decision?

In my experience it went from lacking empathy/never saying sorry and it coming across as arrogant and evolved into totally gaslighting, inability to take any type of ‘criticism’ and constantly making me feel on edge then blaming me for the atmosphere being tense. My head is a total mess with it as I eventually started internalising a lot of this, but have recently began questioning it and seeing things more clearly. As a very trivial example, we have a babysitter in a few weeks on Easter weekend so as a bit of a surprise k booked in for Sunday lunch at my DH favourite place for the two of us. I told him tonight to make sure he didn’t arrange to do anything else and was met with a distinctly underwhelming ‘oh, ok’. In response I said I was surprised, I thought this was his favourite place and would have been more interested. He then said he was hungry and could k hurry up and sit down. When I did, and then again asked why he wasn’t sounding happy he said he thought we had something in on that day already. I said no, but said if he didn’t want to go I could cancel it. I then was accused of going ‘on a rant’ and attacking him, and told I don’t realise how aggressive I am. This is his assessment of what I’ve just described saying to you here. It totally messed with your head, get out while you can!

I'm so sorry that so many people have this experience too 💐

You are right OP. Don't pick someone whose ego is so fragile he won't apologise when wrong. It's an indicator of selfishness and emotional neglect. People like this do not make good partners.

ExDP did this. It was part of his domestic abuse. In fact, eventually I realised this is how I knew whether an 'accident' was deliberate or not. If he apologised it was a genuine mistake, is he didn't it was deliberate.

Well done for recognising this is an issue op and reconsidering your relationship, even though it's shit right now, imagine having children with a man who can never apologise for anything. Not a good role model

My wife is exactly like this no matter what she will never say sorry. She doesn't take responsibility for any mistakes and always instead makes an excuse for why she as done something or said something wrong. She as only ever apologised once to me and that's when I found a pic of her sat on a man's knee, arms around him glaring into his eyes. Of course she denied actually doing anything with him and just said she was posing for a picture with this stranger

Another one here with an ex who couldn't.

We used to argue more, as I used to get cross he didn't say sorry.

If he'd just said sorry, we could have moved on, but I always had to ask him where his sorry was. Which he bristled at, and made things worse.

Wound me up a treat.

Been there, done that.
Apologising is a skill that needs to be taught early on. Very rarely do people learn later in life.
All communication skills are like this.
You can have one conversation with someone about their sub-par communication skills, but that's it. Don't spend your life trying to educate him on how to be a halfway decent partner. Because these things are not going above and beyond. They are just common decency.