Will I regret ending my relationship?

[Purrykitten]

I've been with my DP 7 years (I know, I know - 7 year itch springs to mind) but after months of battling in my brain I think I've decided that I'm no longer happy in my relationship and I want out.

No one has actually done anything wrong. My feelings have just changed and I'm not in love anymore and I'm not happy in this relationship. I think the build up of 'little things' over time has become bigger things. I've spoken to him about it and he's trying to fix it but it's just too late. It just feels more like a friendship now. We still have sex but I feel guilty afterwards which is a horrible feeling and puts me off wanting to be intimate at all.

I need stories of people who have been through similar. Did you regret it?

We have a house, a DD and I do rely on him financially (but am in a position where I could get a better job and more money, have just chosen to be part time with my DD). He loves me. But I'm trying to think about those things separately as I don't want to stay on a relationship just because of financial reasons or because of my DD. I've experienced first hand how happy, separated parents is better than unhappy, together parents.

I was in a very similar position to you about 4 years ago. At first I regretted it, he's, but because I didn't enjoy being single. Have been in a relationship now for 2 years and couldn't be happier. Do what you feel is right in your gut.

Yes* that should say

Yes. Long relationships have ups and downs. The downs are mostly just boredom, which is a you problem, OP, not a dh problem.

Say you leave him and find someone else. Then, after 7 years, you get bored again. Is that really the life you want?

I've been bored in the relationship before. This feels different and we've tried to work on it but nothing seems to change. Genuinely feel unhappy.

Sorry but I completely disagree. I was in a LTR and was unhappy from about 5-6 years in. Thought we could "work through it" and that it was just a phase but it was just that we had grown apart. We had both changed as people and were no longer making each other happy. Eventually separated after 10 years.

I would say once you know you're not happy, don't want to be intimate and don't feel "in love" anymore, it's the beginning of the end. 7 years in or not.

How old are you? I think your age and life stage makes a difference.

Always leave with the assumption you will remain single...don't assume grass is greener. Its important to think through if you will be happier single, raising your child separately but coparenting. Also consider how you will feel if your partner gets a new partner quickly...men don't tend to remain single for long.

Ask yourself how you would feel if you split up and 6months later he has moved on and found someone else and you are going to be single because from my limited experience of looking at online dating, there are slim pickings for single mums heading close to 40 (though I have no idea how old you are, of course). If you're just bored, find a way to spice it up, it's too easy to become comfortable and end up neglecting one another.
You may be happier, you may not. But if you do leave there may be no going back if you change your mind

I'm 28. Genuinely think I'd be happy for him if he moved on. Part of what's making me question leaving is the guilt of leaving him heartbroken, so knowing he's happy would help that. In theory.

Thank you. Keep being told to work through it but I've been trying to for at least 6 months now and no change in my feelings. How long do I need to remain unhappy for before people in my life realise it's not just a phase ☹️

You can of course leave.
But - how do you know it’s not just that you are in a rut.
And relationships take 2 people to work -
why is it only him making changes and trying?
Have you been to a relationship counsellor?

LT relationships don’t just work out - people need to make an effort to keep them fresh.

Easiest thing is to keep moving on to the next fun new relationship every 5-7 years.

To answer - how would you know if you’d regret? No one knows. But - IF you actually tried your best to rejuvenate it - and then left - at least you’d know for sure.
Currently - it seems you are sitting there and watching your partner do a pick me dance.

I feel sorry for him.

Of course he'll probably be heartbroken, be honest and tell him how you feel.
But, yes leave him and let him find someone that truly loves him.

He'll also miss his DD and unless he's a shit dad should continue to have regular contact with her.

Not sure where you got this idea from but I've done a lot to try and make it work. Thank you though.

Are you the child of divorced parents?

I have to say, you sound very blasé about your DD being raised by divorced/separated parents. Perhaps it did you no harm.

Yes I am. I see how my parents are happier seperate. Both remarried. It did affect me, obviously, but I also see how my partner's parents are unhappily married which negatively impacts DP's brother (who is a lot younger than us and is still a child).

Once you have kids together you have a moral duty to try and keep the relationship working rather than just throw in the towel at the first sign of boredom. It may, or may not be salvageable. But once you give up trying then there's no way back. You say that he's trying to fix things, but what are you doing yourself to fix things?

Maybe try some couples counselling? Within a few sessions you'll probably know if there's any hope of getting things back on track.

Would your DP be happier if you separated?

@Purrykitten

Your posts make it sound so. 🤷🏻‍♀️
You talked to him about things you is unhappy about and he is trying to fix.
Nothing is mentioned about you doing anything to work on the Relatioahip on your end.

But then I noticed your age and the blasé attitude became clearer….
You two settled way too early. Had your kid when you barely got to be adults.
(Human brain fully matures only by 23)
So - now - ‘your feelings have changed’ and that’s that.

I feel bad for your kid, but they didn’t pock when to be born. Hope you won’t rush into your next relationship and spend time dating and getting to know what you need in q relationship.

How old is your DD? If still a baby/toddler, I'd advise against leaving- maybe your relationship just needs to adjust still to your new life as parents?

In my OP yes. In one of my other replies I did say we've tried to work on it as well, which we both have. Sorry that didn't come across.
We got together at 20, had our DD at 26 so we had been together 6 years by that point. She is nearly 2.

I'm not trying to be blasé - I'm scared of making the wrong decision but deep down the decision is already made. Just wanted to hear from people who have been through similar to be honest

@Purrykitten Ah, 28 is young so you settled down young. I've always been of the opinion that we become our adult self late 20s. My guess is you are the not person you were when you first met.

She is nearly 2, so yes very young and we are still adjusting. We try and do date days and date nights without her though and make sure we have time together in the evenings

I definitely don't feel like the same person!

Probably not initially. But eventually if he found someone else then I would hope so

Well, if your decision is made and you just want to hear from people for whom separating was a success, I won't clog up your thread. I agree with PP that early 20s is too young to make lifelong decisions that involve having children. But, you're here now. Nobody can tell you what to do for the best. Just don't forget that your DD comes first. She didn't ask for any of this, and your decision to have her comes with consequences which she will have to suffer (not just you). Good luck to you both.

There's a thing about life cycles and how our brains reboot every seven years, meaning 28 is a pivotal time for change. If you really have reached the end of the road with him, now is a good time to leave and start again. But are you confident you can co-parent amicably? There are many threads on MN with posters complaining about how toxic it turned after the split. Obviously that's no reason to stay with someone, but definitely do all you can to end it nicely.