So upset by headf*ck man. Handhold to finally end it please!

[pretaranger]

This could be a long story, but I’m trying to keep it short. I’ve been seeing a man for a year who, if I spend any time away from him (with my school age dc or just by myself), he gets upset and creates an argument about whether I want to be with him. Same if we go a day without contact. Generally, he will do something like ghost me, or threaten to break up, or he will book a flight somewhere and just go away the next day. This has happened today. I wasn’t able to speak much or to meet up this weekend because my dc was sick. I did see him 4 out of 5 days last week though. He accused me of ‘ignoring’ him, and has worked himself up to ‘if you want to dump me then just do it’ and when I didn’t rise to the bait and said I was sick of the drama cycle, he booked a flight and just messaged me saying hes leaving early in the morning for a week. ‘Just wanted to let you know’. He has no dc and works remotely so he can do that stuff whenever. It makes me feel so so shit. Last time (3’weeks ago) he refused to come back from his trip until I sufficiently grovelled on the phone, saying he was planning on rebooking his flight home to a later date, which he never did. And I’m embarrassed to say I did grovel. I was so upset and panicked.
He has told me that he thinks he might be a ‘drama addict’ and that he may have bpd and he has serious trust issues. So I do know all this. I feel like such an idiot. But even now, suddenly getting a message saying he’s leaving without warning, and knowing I ‘caused’ it, I feel so mixed up and sad. Someone who loves me as much as he claims wouldn’t do this, right? It just feels cruel. It’s like he’s withdrawing in such an extreme way, a way I couldn’t and don’t ever do to him, if he’s displeased with me. It really hurts. I don’t think I can bear to beg him back over the phone ever again. Please help me to end and block. my head is spaghetti from this man.

When he ghosts you ghost him back. Much easier to get rid of if he doesn't live with you. And ignore him if he threatens to kill himself.

Can't pinpoint any of your updates using the App OP.
Guessing he knows where you live? Has he met your children?
Get CCTV and a ring doorbell and once he is blocked, do NOT open the door to him or engage whatsoever.

I had my own HF come tapping on my windows at 3am more than once (had no dogs or cameras then)

Thankfully he went away eventually, back to the mess of the rest of his life (not before breaking into my car, I couldn't prove it was him but recognised his silhouette from grainy CCTV) but yeah - suicide threats, actually cut up his wrists, everything.

Can look back on it now and see clearly that it was him. Not me.

He'll be the same with his next victim too, so don't hesitate to get him on police record if anything happens.

Somebody hasn't emotionally matured past the age and mentality of a two year old.
"Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy". Remember when your kids were 1/2 and they'd be attached at the hip and panic if they couldn't see you and you couldn't go to the toilet alone and they might get jealous of your attention being off then for a second?

He's like that. He hasnt developed past that. "Mummy's" attention is not allowed to be elsewhere for a second. "Mummy" has to make him front and centre at all times.

He sounds developmentally stunted.

People like this become abusers. It's a pity they're like this but its not anyone else's fault and they rarely rarely change. They don't have the ability to.

5 years sobriety...so he's a recovering alcoholic too, great.

Someone who has to be "talked off a ledge" from relapsing into alcoholism - when he's in a relationship with a perfectly nice, normal, reasonable person (too reasonable, cause you should have dumped him ten times over by now) who's doing nothing wrong or out of the ordinary.... Should not be dating, should not be in relationship. They are not fit for it. He evidently needs extensive counselling and needs to not torture people in a "relationship" while he does it.

He probably won't change though, I dated someone a bit like this and he didn't, they don't have the capacity to. Their personality, for lack of a better word, was formed and set years ago. Changing would mean they'd need to see their expectations and entitlement as wrong, and they can't do that. Because whatever is wrong with them (personality disorder,lack of emotional development/maturity) makes them believe their expectations, wants and entitlement are not wrong. Or they don't care if they're wrong/unreasonable - they want what they want and will seek out someone who'll put up with it, they'll manipulative and train them until they get what they want.

He's sounds unstable.

He sounds controlling and intensely demanding.

His behaviour is not reasonable.

He's punishing you for not complying with his unreasonable expectations and demands.

My ex used to do the finishing thing too. I used to travel to him to discuss/try to resolve things and try to keep the relationship going too. I was upset too.
He never changed and he never stopped.

They want a level of control in a relationship that no good, healthy relationship would ever feature.

This is a type of mental illness, though perhaps that's being too kind to him.

In any case, it would not be a good healthy relationship for a childless person, it is most definitely not for a Mum. You really need to prioritise your me tal health, your happiness, your stability.etc.

Someone like this brings the opposite of this ... There may be good times but ultimately they are dysfunctional and unstable and emotionally unhealthy (and actually abusive). I'm sorry, but from experience, I'd say gtfo, he won't change.

Btw the one like this I dated had had 4 failed relationships before me, but still attributed the failed relationships to the women lol.

That's the level of self awareness and responsibility people like this are capable of. If they weren't like that, they probably wouldn't be acting in this way.

I bet your stbx has also had several failed relationships and will have more. He'd have to find a real victim to put up with this. I feel sorry for anyone involved with him.

“me not calling him yesterday or not picking up all his calls today led to him nearly picking up a drink for the first time in 5 years and he had to talk to his family members on the phone “to talk him off the ledge”.

oh this is truly disgusting behaviour on his part. Manipulation 101.

as I only think of myself

You are, by the sounds of it, acting normally for a Mum in a relationship. Even non Mums would not be in constant contact with him, not want to see anyone else ever, not have responsibilities and hobbies and friends and a social life etc etc.
But nothing is enough for him.

It is "me, me, me, me me".

You not being available 365 24 7 like an eager, attentive, obedient lapdog puppy .... looking into his face saying "what do you want me to do??, you're the centre of the universe, oh great deity, what can I do for you?! How are you feeling?!! etc. Prioritising him and his (unstable) personality above everything else

.... Honestly he sounds like the sort of person, if indulged, who'd become like how FKA Twigs described Shia Lebeouf - she was shouted at if she wasn't looking at him, shouted at for making eye contact for a waiter, shouted at for not anticipating what he wanted.

...... They are mentally ill, mal adjusted and want a robot slave for a partner, not a human.

Interesting, as you pointed out yourself too, that when you do (a much milder version) of behaviour; you are utterly in the wrong and selfish , but he can go AWOL and ignore you etc. and you're not supposed to be hurt or offended or feel it's wrong.

He's a fucking child.

He's not a man and not a partner.

if I spend any time away from him (with my school age dc or just by myself), he gets upset and creates an argument about whether I want to be with him

Unreasonable behaviour.

Same if we go a day without contact

Unreasonable behaviour.

Generally, he will do something like ghost me, or threaten to break up, or he will book a flight somewhere and just go away the next day. This has happened today. I wasn’t able to speak much or to meet up this weekend because my dc was sick. I did see him 4 out of 5 days last week though. He accused me of ‘ignoring’ him, and has worked himself up to ‘if you want to dump me then just do it’ and when I didn’t rise to the bait and said I was sick of the drama cycle, he booked a flight

insane, unreasonable behaviour.

You can't get some time with your DC without a bad reaction from him.

You can't get some time alone without a bad reaction from him.

You can't get space to look after you sick DC without a bad reaction from him.

He's constantly monitoring how often you're in contact.

He's intensely needy, demanding, unreasonable and quite honestly, needs MH help.

You do realise he'd have been gone the first or second time he did this with many women?

I know it's disappointing and painful to have a relationship end that you thought might be something (men like this can make women feel desired and secure and like there's commitment - but it's not a healthy, well adjusted commitment, is it? It's constantly accompanied by demanding, needy, unreasonable, unstable, punishing behaviour)

This dude is crackers.

I would say that he's clearly not suited to a woman with kids and should not be dating them; but this behaviour would leak through even without a woman having kids.

And you should not be under this kind of pressure, strain, stress. Just reading this gives you "remote" stress, can only imagine how pressured and stressful it must be in person.

omg just block him and never speak to him again! hes horrible!

Knowing all you know about him and his problems, he isn’t a good choice in the first place is he OP?

End it now, for the sake of your children. They need a fully present mum not an emotionally battered mum who is sad and confused and resentful all the time hanging around for somebody else who even admits he’s trouble.

You can’t ever fix him.
You dont need to see him to end it.
You certainly dont need to feel guilty about ending it.
You will feel better when it’s all done.

Just text him…this isn’t working for me or for my children so I’ll leave it there…I wish you all the best. Don’t contact me again please.
Then block him.

Absolutely awful behaviour like controlling narcissistic abuse.

Please get yourself some counselling to unpick this head fuck

My first thought too.

OP, not sure what more people can say really?

Send a message dumping him, then block and move on from this weirdo.

Now that you've written it all down, now read it back as if it's someone else writing this, what would you say to that person? I hope you'd say 'dump him' really and truly this is not what life is all about, it sounds as if he has mental health issues to be honest which with age will get worse, is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life, stepping on egg shells? Don't you think you deserve a normal loving relationship? I wouldn't want any child of mine to grow up with a person like that in their lives, he's no role model that's for sure. You want hand holding to end it, take mine and run like hell!

Block, ignore, stay safe and tell people in real life what is happening. Protect yourself and your kids from further harm by getting g away from him. He is abusive, he is damaging you and in turn your DC, because he is causing you so many problems it takes your focus, love and energy away from them. Good luck, you can cut him off and recover from this. If he threatens to harm himself call the police.

Sounds like he has a disorganised attachment style, let me guess, he had an abusive childhood.

He sounds exactly like me when I was younger. He probably does love you but he needs serious therapy. You don't have to put up with it in the meantime.

He probably does love you

There is absolutely nothing ‘loving’ about the way he treated OP. He emotionally abused her.

Your choices in this situation have been poor: unfair on your DC. Using up a lot of time and energy on someone who treats you badly and therefore has a negative imoact on them.

He doesn't love you.

he loved controlling you

Wow wee. There used to be a poster on here with the killer name Attilla the meerkat. When someone posted about a problem involving an alcoholic husband/partner, she would post , "re read this notice how it is literally all about him, his wants, his needs, his ideas." She would say and I say what about you OP you are of equal importance. This guy is still an addict and you sound lovely.
In the words of The Rock in the film Central Intelligence, "Be the hero of your own story." (I know it's a Dickens quote but I love the Rock and loathe Dickens )

OP, I'm excited for you as to how good you're going to feel when you're free of him!

All that extra energy!

So you know what he wants. Your undivided attention and some histrionic scenes to assure him your feelings are 'real'. You cannot and should not provide those things because you have your needs and your children's.

He doesn't have a hold over you. You just need to cut contact and swallow the hard part which comes after any breakup.

Message and say 'safe trip. Don't send a postcard or be in touch again. I don't want this instability in my life a moment longer. (If applicable) Your stuff will be left outside your house in a week's time'.

Your children will be more aware of this than you think. The fluctuations in your mood that correspond with his absence or presence. Cut him out, block and raise your bar.

firstly I am so sorry your going through this, he is abusing you please block him on everything and if he uses another method of contacting you ignore him for your own good I’ve been in this situation he is using silence as punishment he will never change you have your Dc focus on the love you share with them it will get better I promise ❤️

He is in direct competition with your children and is draining your time and energy. Time and energy that you should be giving to your children.

Put a stop to this now, for your kids sake. They aren’t stupid and will know mum is sad and stressed and directs all her energy into appeasing a shit little man. It’s out of order they have to live with the emotional fallout of his abuse.

@exexpat - that thread sprang to mind immediately so I'm glad you were able to link it.

@pretaranger I'm sorry you're giving so much mental energy to someone who really doesn't care for you as a person or a parent and grinds you down with his manipulative behaviour- even blackmailing you into possibly thinking you could possibly be responsible for him going back to alcoholism, which you absolutely are not. That would be his choice.

You do not need people like this in your life - please value yourself more than this. I agree with the poster who said you should tell your friends and family what's going on and that you're no longer going to be in a relationship with him (you're not, are you) so they can hear the truth from you and not the poison he'll drip to them. Then block him on all platforms and delete his number. 🌹

He sounds repulsive. Pathetic, needy, manipulative, emotionally immature. What a drain on your precious energy and happiness.

Ditch him. Have a good long breather. Make a mental list of baseline qualities that are dealbreakers from now on, one being that a man is emotionally mature and doesn't need to be pandered to 24/7. No treading on eggshells, ever.