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Relationships

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Original poster

he gets turned off when I initiate sex

33 replies

hmmextrana · 10/03/2024 22:32

I've been with my partner 4 years and we have a beautiful baby together. It's always him initiating sex, rarely me, our sex life is okay. We have sex averaging twice a week? Although he tries every day, and he would do it everyday multiple times a day if I went with it. I have noticed anytime I initiate sex he doesn't seem interested but I never really thought much of it, although very strange since he wants it all of the time... yesterday and today I've been FEELING it, definitely in the mood I don't know what's going on... I'm ovulating so maybe that's why? Last night I tried and he said no he wants to go to sleep, which is fine. This morning I tried again and no , I tried a few times throughout the day and again no... then tonight I was trying to be all sexy..🤣 and he said "to be honest you doing all this and initiating the sex is such a turn off for me" I don't know what to think of this. He also said "I just wish it would happen naturally instead of either of us initiating it" Uhm? He literally initiates it all of the time although it does "naturally" happen sometimes.. would you take offence? Has this ever been said to you? Weird

OP posts:

TitaniasAss · 10/03/2024 22:34

Yes it's weird.

FOJN · 10/03/2024 22:41

He's telling you sex will only happen when he wants it because he will reject you every time you initiate. I would ask him if that's what he intends and does he feel that's fair.

Either of you should feel free to say no if you're not in the mood but he's saying no because you initiate and I wonder how that will affect your self esteem long term.

Personally I would hate that and think it was selfish. I would also worry he's got some kind of Madonna/whore complex going on.

Pepsimaxedout · 10/03/2024 22:42

He is weird.

SultanOfSwing · 10/03/2024 22:48

It’s not weird. It’s part of controlling behaviour. I totally recognise it.

OP, does he control you (or try to) in other ways? It’s not okay.

toomanyleggings · 10/03/2024 22:49

I think it’s probably more common than we’d like to think that men prefer to be the ones that initiate.

StarlightLady · 10/03/2024 22:51

It’s not a good sign. There are lots of men out there who would love their partners to initiate more.

This sound like a case of his terms or no terms.

Secondstart1001 · 11/03/2024 00:21

I feel he is rejecting you as punishment for the times you’ve turned him
down. I find his words and actions really cruel tbh and he is only interested in his own needs. Considering he wants it daily, I would have thought he’d jump at the chance of you wanting sex.
I initiate with my partner prob 70% of the time and if he does turn it down it’s done in a gentle loving way and then we will just cuddle. I’m sorry for you OP, I don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong x

Zanatdy · 11/03/2024 00:27

Secondstart1001 · 11/03/2024 00:21

This is exactly what he’s doing. I bet he’s desperate for it and pretty soon he will give it but make out it’s because he wants it now. I’d be having a very serious conversation with him that this is not ok.

savethatkitty · 11/03/2024 00:42

Offensive, yes! I'd be fuming!

Is he one of these dinosaurs who believe women should be prim & proper, asexual virgin's? How does he react if you want to try a new position? Or if you vocalise your wants & needs in bed?

Most men would LOVE it if their partner wasn't shy & boldly initiated sex. Your DP has issues. It's not you, it's him.

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/03/2024 00:46

Weird. Creepy. Controlling.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2024 00:51

This is a massive red flag and very worrisome in my opinion. I'd bet my house there are other things about him that aren't quite right.

JumalanTerve · 11/03/2024 06:58

It's unusual but not unheard of. I would have a direct conversation about it at a time where sex is not on the table, and try to get to the bottom of why exactly he is reacting like that. But to be honest the reason may well be buried quite deep

yellowsmileyface · 11/03/2024 07:36

Very strange. Most men I know love it when the women initiates.

As another PP said it's perhaps a punishment for the times you've turned him down, or some sort of controlling tactic.

Another worry of mine would be that he has some sort of non-consent fetish, so you actually wanting sex would be a turn off for him.

Venturini · 11/03/2024 07:38

What an arsehole

Venturini · 11/03/2024 07:39

And this is probably the biggest turn off imaginable. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

PermanentTemporary · 11/03/2024 07:42

Oh God how boring and also worrying. Bad combination.

I also think it's a control thing in some form. Does he like to be in control in other ways?

RandomForest · 11/03/2024 09:23

Never have sex with him again.

Sorted.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 11/03/2024 09:35

My ex was like this.

All part of his scheme to degrade and control me.

Didimum · 11/03/2024 12:48

Red flag. He does not like you to be in control.

Also you have a baby – he wants a sex life with no one initiating? Good luck with that.

Whataretalkingabout · 12/03/2024 10:14

Don't have sex with him again until he accepts you initiating it.

Topjoe19 · 12/03/2024 12:51

Bloody hell. He's weird. And controlling. He's trying to mess with your head.

multicolouredbunting · 12/03/2024 13:10

Sounds exactly like my husband. Says the times I reject him makes him feel worthless so then he basically does the same to me.
It's actually pathetic.
Busy household, lots of young kids, doesn't understand that sometimes I just don't feel like it.
So I take the opposite approach.
When he declines I'm all cheery and happy and continue our evening as normal etc, not sulking like he does. Just to prove a point that when someone isn't in the mood it's not the end of the world.

Opentooffers · 12/03/2024 13:25

Yes he's weird, but there is a workaround if his attitude hasn't given you the ick - which it would for many.
Luckily, you say he'd be up for it multiple times a day and every day, so I suppose its comes down to whether you'd be willing to hold back that you are in the mood, because he's going to initiate anyway, so you will most likely get it when you want it. As long as he accepts no when you don't, and it seems he does.
It's up to you whether you can live with giving him the impression that it's all on him - though it isn't really, ultimately you are having Vito.
As long as he isn't put off by enthusiasm too, as that would be a dealbreaker.

MillshakePickle · 12/03/2024 13:44

I'm struggling to understand what he means by naturally. You being horny and initiating sex is natural because that's how you're feeling. Unnatural would be forcing yourself to get in the mood. I'm not sure he understands what natural means. How strange.

I do, however, agree with other pps. He's using controlling behaviour. He's telling you how he wants you to behave and comply with his demands on his terms.

For me, that would be too unbalanced and would creep me out.

2catsandhappy · 12/03/2024 14:01

Controlling. I had this. Horrible way to live. And yes, weird.
I would love to hear his definition of 'naturally'
Does he not realise women have desires too?
How long did his previous relationships last?

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