Constantly question if we're "right for each other"

[Ruby0707]

As the title says. If we have a long period of things feeling good, I always seem to come back to this question.

I feel this way because we don't always have things to say to each other and I sometimes feel drained after spending time away together, just the two of us.

BUT...I feel that way with anyone, I'm an introvert, not very talkative.

We're also 4 years in. If we really weren't compatible, I wouldn't still be here would I?

What does compatibility look like to you?

I think the ideal is probably to be so comfortable with someone that you can relax as much with them as you can alone. But as you say, if you are a real introvert you may never be quite as relaxed as you are alone.

Are there specific things that happen on your trips together that make you tense?
Is there anyone in your life (eg family) who you would be relaxed with after 4 days together?

There is also something called relationship anxiety /relationship OCD - if you don't think there is any concrete basis for these concerns, and the feeling of concern is affecting you, maybe look it up.

One of the reasons I like being with my DH is that we don't always have to be chatting. We are both introverts and I like quiet times together, reading, gardening, walking - the quiet is comfortable. I couldn't be with someone who wanted to be nattering on all the time.

What I've come to realise is that you don't need to question if it's right when you're truly content. When you're not confident in yourself or drawing comparisons it might be due to anxiety. You will know deep down if it's right for you.

I appreciate your replies and they do resonate with me.

In answer to the question - I think I would be craving time alone after 4 days with anyone, including family.

I do suffer with anxiety so I wonder if it is that but it's difficult to know. It just sometimes feels awkward to me, like conversation doesn't flow naturally. My partner doesn't feel it though, says he enjoys spending time with me and the silences feel comfortable.

Maybe there is just something wrong with me. I always feel awkward somehow. Like a square peg in a round hole.

There's nothing wrong with you @Ruby0707 . I promise you there are a lot of people who feel awkward, unlike other people and like a square peg in a round hole - I feel the same.

My OH is an introvert, and he needs time to recharge away from me. I was really aware of this when we moved in together. I will deliberately schedule nights when I will be out, either exercising or with friends/my parents, to give him the space he needs. On holiday together, we'll still have some time when we do our own thing for a few hours so we both get some space, and then can talk about what we've done when we meet up later.

So if you feel awkward, and your partner thinks they are comfortable silences, it sounds like an inner tension you have.

I do completely get this as I get a bit anxious, and often feel like a square peg as well.

This sounds like a good idea. Perhaps I need to find ways to manage it so I don't feel so drained.

I also really struggled with moving in together and never really having that true alone time. It has made me question if I would be better off alone permanently.

I also feel a little bit emotional that some of you feel that same sense of awkwardness. I'm sorry you feel that way but it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one.

Does anyone else have similar feelings? It's very confusing.

I think it's completely normal for introverts to feel a bit drained after intensive time with anyone else, even their partners, and especially after things like holidays. Compatibility in this context means DP and I understand we both need alone time and are happy to give it to each other, and neither of us would see it as a rejection if the other takes themselves off to do something on their own for a few hours. I couldn't be in a relationship where there was any pressure to always be together.

What I find confusing is how to distinguish if it is my introversion causing this feeling of being drained or if that is simply a cover for the fact that the relationship isn't right.

I guess only I can answer that and I need to find a way to figure it out!

I am not an introvert but identify with the feelings of awkwardness and things not flowing. Fundamentally my husband and i are not compatible and if I'm very honest with myself ive known that from early on in the relationship. But here we are 12 years later with house and kids and all the trappings.

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry to hear this.

What makes you sure that you're not compatible? You must be in some sense if you have stayed together for that amount of time?

feeling tired is normal just as running out of things to talk about

you don't need to be always talking - although it may be awkward at first. Sometimes people just sit together scrolling their phones, it does not mean they're not right for each other

If you aren’t happy with the situation then you aren’t compatible. It’s nobody’s fault really—though I sense you think it is. He sounds like a nice person. Sort of undemanding and satisfied with things? And perhaps that makes you feel guilty for wanythings to be different? But there is no right or wrong. There is just being comfortable with the other person or not being comfortable.

Im sitting next to my DH writing on mumsnet, he is reading something else. We will share some things, not others. 33 years together.

I changed myself to get along with him in the early years because all of my friends were coupled up and I'd never had much interest from men. I pretended i liked all the quirks and oddities, that they made him cool and interesting rather than annoying and difficult. (I'm not slating who he is as a person though it does read like that. He's just difficult and annoying to me). We're still together because neither of us could afford to run a household alone and we function as a unit. He does X, i do Y. But if we didn't have kids I'd be gone years ago.

I read threads on here where women call their partners their best friends and confidants and couldn't imagine life without them. I think that's worth aspiring to.

I read that emotionally intelligent people will always have questions about their chosen path and especially their relationships. People who wonder if they are in the right relationship for them are keeping an open mind and that wondering about these things is emotionally intelligent and aware. Rings true for me, what else do we accept in life as a done deal without mulling it over from time to time.

If you had your time again, would you do it differently or have made different decisions?

An interesting point. I do sometimes think there is an element of me not just being happy with my lot and constantly wondering if there is something better.

Maybe that's something I need to work on.

There is not a person in the world that I'm not sick of by the end of a one week holiday - every ex partner, my dad (who I am very close to), my best friend. No one escapes my wrath

I think some people just need time alone. I become exhausted by social interaction & need time to recharge. In fact the other day my partner decided he'd like to stay over at my house unexpectedly after being here for 3 nights already, and I internally wailed - had to tell him he could but I'd just be reading in silence ha

So if this is the only thing you question - it's normal!

Would you feel this way after a week away with a friend or family?

My annoyance doesn't discriminate

DP and I are both introverted and prefer spending most of our time together, do all our holidays together, can sit in the pub together, hike together etc - though we equally make the effort to socialise when needed. It helps we like mostly the same things, and similar routines, are both equally affectionate, have the same politics and sense of humour. He's the only person I can spend extended periods of time with and not feel suffocated. But we have very different work schedules so get enough space to do our own thing and understand the need for space too. I once dated someone very extroverted which was exhausting, and someone so introverted it was lonely - so I knew DP was the one because i felt very at ease in his presence.

Ah. I was like you. Felt a bit trapped by it all. Split up. Looking back I realised we were living someone else’s life. One bedroom flat. Almost always together as he didn’t have many friends as he’d recently relocated. I didn’t have any money as I insisted on paying half for everything despite earning much less.

I wish we’d talked about it and I’d explained that I needed some space.

I remember hearing a lady in her 60s saying to a friend in a hotel “ah I love my holidays away with you (friend)” and someone else saying “he has his garage, I have my sewing room”.

Explain what you need. Ask him what he needs. Go away with friends/on your own/ have your own space(s). Maybe even your own rooms if that works?

I wish I had done. He was great and I threw it away because I though it had to be ‘typical’.

Now I’m looking for a relationship with someone nice and I plan to make it work for both of us.

Thanks for your thread, I'm in a similar situation. He's lovely, generous, kind, thoughtful. But he's a talker, and I'm sometimes just so exhausted from it I can barely respond. We have different lives, so I think we come together and have very different energy.

Plus a few mismatches on things that interest us. I love politics, hes disengaged etc.

So I do regularly wonder if we're right for each other, then we have a nice weekend and I feel settled again.