Constantly question if we're "right for each other"

[Ruby0707]

As the title says. If we have a long period of things feeling good, I always seem to come back to this question.

I feel this way because we don't always have things to say to each other and I sometimes feel drained after spending time away together, just the two of us.

BUT...I feel that way with anyone, I'm an introvert, not very talkative.

We're also 4 years in. If we really weren't compatible, I wouldn't still be here would I?

What does compatibility look like to you?

Also pleased to find my people. People who find a week away with other people just too much.

Or scream inside when their loving partner extends their visit to beyond your tolerance.

It is nice to hear, isn't it?

Most of my friends live with their partners and miss them even if they have a weekend away - I just could not relate any less

He is interesting, sweet, we have such a laugh but by god sometimes when he leaves I think phew.

Makes me feel like a weirdo because most think that's strange!

@Ruby0707 it's always hard to say you'd do it differently when you have kids because obviously i can't fathom a life without them.

But yes, i would make different choices. I would be myself and find someone who i could laugh with and it felt easy and natural. I would also marry someone local rather than from overseas because even though the culture isn't vastly different (I'm Irish he's Australian) it's different enough and it means he has no family or friends around or any history in the place where we live.

Most of all i would trust my gut. I knew we weren't right for each other and i forced it.

Yes I would. I would possibly feel a little bit more comfortable with accepting that fact with family or friends but probably still wouldn't feel that open about telling them what I need.

Thanks for your openness. I do worry that this is my gut telling me its not right.

But I also feel I would have regrets if I ended it as there are a lot of good things about him.

If it was a constant feeling, it would be clearer to me but I go through phases. Sometimes I look at him and think, "I really love you." Other times I look at him and think, "do I?"

Yes, very very similar here.

I think what's niggling me is I think he wants, and deserves, more. I might have a chat with him and reiterate that I'm not able to offer much more, and ask for a little more quiet time!

I've never had any doubts about my partnership/marriage. I did in previous relationships. I wouldn't settle if that niggling incompatibility feeling doesn't go away.

I think it's normal not to feel consistently overwhelming feelings of love and positivity,at least once the honeymoon phase is over.

I have had five LTRs in my life (if I class an LTR as over two years together and living together) and obviously the first four broke up, so they either weren't right or certainly BECAME not right.....

But in none of them have I constantly felt like they were definitely my soul mate and the only person in the world for me.

I know some people feel this for their partners but I'm not sure all of us are capable of that level of wholehearted unquestioning mental commitment. I don't think I am.

I don't identify as much with the finding them draining thing in all honesty - I find time with almost everybody in the world draining after a while (including close friends) but never my daughter or funnily enough, any of my former or my current partner. I think for me the sexual/partner bond does break down the need to entertain/perform for other people that I usually otherwise feel - I am able to truly be myself with my partners so do feel relaxed.

(Perhaps if I had been less myself some of the relationships would have lasted longer - but that's a whole other thread!)

But some of what you say definitely resonates. Do you need to make a decision on it now? Is there a pressing need such as partner wanting commitment/to start a family? If not, I would suggest you wait and see for a while longer. Time may strengthen your feelings in one direction or another..... I never leave till I am 100% certain that's what I want to do, and I've only been wrong on that once...

Good luck.

Thank you for your thoughts.

No, there isn't a particular rush in terms of a commitment needed. I just don't want to waste my time or his if it's not right.

Looking back, I don't think I've felt fully myself in any of my LTR (this is my third) but is that because none of them have been right? Or am I just not designed to share my life with someone?

I think what I need to do is communicate my needs more, do more of what makes me feel like me, even if that is just having more alone time and then see how I feel.

I think communicating more of your wants, needs and boundaries is a good thing. If it spells the end of a relationship, then maybe that's your answer. But being true to yourself, especially as you get older, is really important I think.

I'm definitely considering whether I'm cut out for this too, or maybe at the moment. I'm divorced and this is my first rele since then. I'm definitely reflecting on of I'm repeating behaviour here.