Anyone else doesn’t remember their childhood?

[Aydahayda]

I remember enough to know my parents were bad news. Mostly emotional abuse.

but now knowing what happened and what led to such extensive dissociate amnesia has a real impact on me.

anyone else also experience this? Not having memories from before age 16???

@chickensaresafehere

Sorry typo omission
I ment to say your childhood obviously had a profound effect on you,
like a ripple effect in a pond

I love anything to do with nature and doing creative stuff art 🎨 which has been like a god send in helping me emotionally
I think it should be put 🤔 on NHS that doing creativity is therapeutic too...

I cant remember much of my childhood, I remember bits, but nowhere near as much as my sister does! There are huge gaps where I cant remember anything at all. There was no abuse, nothing dramatic - divorced parents, then single mum, not much money, but ok childhood overall. I also cant remember much from my early adult years so I just accepted I have shit memory.

I can remember specific horrible events (father was a violent bully and a tyrant, lots of coercive control and cruel, manipulative behaviour). What I remember most specifically is how it all made me feel, the constant grinding stress of that sort of childhood.

What I cannot remember is what he looked like. It's the strangest thing. My parents separated when I was 17 and I refused all contact with him after that, and not long after, moved away to a different town and have never been back. But within a couple of days of the separation I couldn't remember anything about him physically. I can't remember his voice or his face at all. I've got 2 kids and I couldn't tell you if either of them have any of his physical characteristics. I assume it's something my brain has done to protect me.

thanks for all your replies

I started this thread yesterday right before I fell asleep and, when I went to read replies this morning, my mind started telling me not to, to not think about it, not dwell on it. I haven’t been able to read all the replies.

it’s definitely a defense mechanism. There was a thing that started I think in the 90s, the “memory wars”. Clinicians/therapists were of the opinion that their patients had repressed/dissociated from traumatic memories because, as a child, you have no real option of fight or flight, and that it is possible to retrieve these memories from behind the veil, as pp put it. Memory researchers were of the opinion that this is not how cognition/memory works. It was a big hoorah in the field, and opportunists existed on both sides (as is the case when it involves vulnerable people).
Plus you’re so dependent on your parents that you tell yourself it’s you, it‘s your fault, because if you think it’s actually that your parents are bad, you’re fucked. You depend on them for everything. Your survival depends on maintaining the fantasy that they are good.

I feel like there’s a door in my mind and something doesn’t let me open it. When I try to get near it I feel this intense fear.

as pp said, things changed when I became a mother. I developed full blown OCD whilst pregnant (I probably had the beginnings of it but didn’t recognise it as such). I was so afraid for my safety - had thoughts that someone would push me off station platforms or cars would mount pavements and run me over. Then I became afraid of men, that they would rape me. After DS was born (horrific birth, both of us VERY nearly died - I was in a coma, we were both in ICU), it became about his safety. I was on the bus once and the thought came that this woman standing nearby was going to throw acid at him. Then I became afraid that pedophiles would sexually abuse him. I had EMDR for the intrusive thoughts about his safety and that was a life changer. But there is no off switch and I still struggle, albeit able to arrest it

When Friends Reunited started, my best friend from work introduced me to it. I looked at all the names listed for my school year and come remember the vast majority of them. My friend couldn't remember any of hers. Her stepfather was abusive and she left school and left home at 16 to get away from him. She'd "forgotten" her teenage years. I found it very sad.

so I’ve developed this bee in my bonnet that I must have been sexually abused as a child. I have no memories or evidence of that, tho.
that something like this would justify this level of dissociation of not remembering YEARS. That the OCD came from that. And that ‘just’ the emotional abuse at home and the bullying in school can’t possibly lead to such amnesia. That door in my mind and my inability to get near it reinforce this view.

it’s been hard. I can’t get near the door. Now I’m having therapy again (spent a year on the waiting list) and the therapist just wants to talk about working on accepting that I will never have answers. I’m very uncomfortable with not knowing, tho, and quite unhappy with her suggestion that we work on accepting it, without even exploring wtf has happened. I have had a lot of therapy in the past and have improved a lot on what I’ve come to understand is cptsd. How I relate and the negative coping mechanisms I developed along the way (drugs, alcohol, bad relationships and friendships) have massively improved. But I feel the not knowing so much about my childhood is an incredible block. I can’t trust myself or my decisions if I can’t even remember years. Like my mind can play incredible tricks on me .

I really identify with this aspect of neglecting myself. And hurting myself in strange ways, like if I need a wee, I won’t go.

have you had therapy @cerisepanther73 ?

I didn’t have an abusive childhood but my mother was very emotionally distant.
I can remember snatches of my childhood. If I ran it as a film I’d have about two hours.

OP, you need to be very careful with approaching you "repressed memories". There was a lot of controversy in the 90s connected to this theory when people had false memories of sexual abuse implanted in their head by their therapists, even took their relatives to court etc.

I might get an instagram short!

I’m aware of that, I know it’s entirely possible the more mundane being bullied because I was overweight and having a mother who slept most of the time and looked at me with contempt when she was awake are very damaging in themselves.

but the door in the mind and the ocd, plus some memories that have made it to the surface have made me question things.

I have lots of memories of my childhood, I also kept extensive diaries from age 13 onwards.

No I haven't, but it suggests extreme trauma, possibly PTSD.

I am finding it very difficult,since starting therapy,maintaining a relationship with my mother. She is in her 80s now & I would not talk to her about it,I feel its too late & she's too old & frail but neither would I go NC,as I wouldn't be able to live with myself,it just wouldn't sit right with me.
Do any of you still have relationships with your parents?

I haven’t got any memories of my childhood either. No abuse that I know of. But an angry overworked father who seemed to just decide I was a problem from about the age of 14 onwards and oscillated between friendliness, anger and contempt. For the life of me I don’t know why. I was a shy, straight A student. My younger sister who was actively naughty was prized and indulged. It’s odd. We are all friends - I see them all often. But it’s bloody weird I can’t remember anything.

was very LC (happy birthday/merry Christmas only level) for 4 years then went NC around 2021 with my mother.

had been LC with my father for 3/4 years when he passed away.

The thing that worked for me was accepting the child(ren) I was at various ages, loving them, reassuring them. I did it accidentally for myself, through seeing some childhood photos for the first time & wanting to comfort that child; then I found out this was a recommended therapeutic technique!

Yes, as you approach memories which have been locked away for a long time, there will be fear & resistance. A good therapist will help you deal with that so you can discover what's inside yourself, without pushing or implanting anything from the outside. It's the children's story to tell, because they lived it & they know - & they've kept it & you safe for years. Honour that. Never try to push them. Allow them to feel safe enough in the here & now (tell them that things are different, explain to them what's changed, how your life has gone, who from the past is dead now, etc), & when they feel safe enough they'll tell you what happened & how they felt about it. It's not easy work, but it's worth doing if you have the time & space & professional support & can do it safely.

It's not always a smooth road, either, but overall the movement is towards healing & a greater wholeness. So if there are setbacks, don't give up or think the battle is lost. I'm saying that because in the beginning I thought everything would be progress, & when I ran into difficulties I was taken aback. I also thought it would take me a couple of years to be 'perfect'. Neither part of that was correct!

I think the core of this stuff is that we all need certain things in our childhood in order to grow easily, happily & healthily - the same way a plant needs certain things like sunlight & water to grow to be the best it can & reach its full potential. Anything that stops this (bereavement, family breakdown, bullying etc) is reason enough. It doesn't have to be sexual abuse.

Good luck to everyone who's concerned about this.

Tbh, I think she went NC from LC, not the other way around. Because I didn’t just run back when she said she missed me. I said that I was reluctant to open that door again when I was finally well (Mental health wise) just in case it swung around and hit me in the face again.

she didn’t like that

@ifIwerenotanandroid thank you. I will look into inner child work and discuss with the therapist. I did a bit of it back in 2017 but so much happened around the time (father died, for example) that I ended up putting it to one side and didn’t pick it up again.
I’m determined to break the cycle. My son will not feel I do, as far as I can control or influence it (ie mine and his fatheR’s behaviour.)

What a sad read, I'm so sorry for those of us who endured horrible childhoods.

Funnily enough, my experience is almost the opposite. I remember so, so much but I wish I didn't. My brother, on the other hand, remembers almost nothing at all. We can look at an old photograph and he says that if it wasn't for the 'photographic evidence', he'd say he'd never been to a certain place or met certain people. Up until reading this thread, I actually assumed it was down to physical trauma, as we were punched in the head so often that I thought it had done some physical damage to his brain.

My brother also neglects himself terribly. He wears clothes that are threadbare, he's so thin because he's "trained himself" not to need much food so that he doesn't feel hungry (we were deliberately starved and dehydrated as kids), he's ill but won't go to the doctor, his house is freezing etc and yet he has nearly £400k in the bank which he's leaving to children's charities. He has no partner, never has, and no friends.

Neither of us has children, but I am very lucky to have met my DH when we were teenagers at school together and I'm very different to my brother. I feel very sad for us both, but particularly for him as he just looks so broken.

I absolutely hate looking at photos of us as children BTW. We both look really wary, or scared, or we've obviously just been crying. ☹️

@Aydahayda

I have briefly explored myself and why i feel the way i do and acted the way i have,
Just had the usaul six sessions at a local family wellbeing centre,

but i came away from it,
thinking 🤔 that it was very much a mixed bag as in therapist acknowledged i am doing better than i think i am in life just bumbling along,
Consirdering everything ive had to deal with type of thing,
i feel she is partially right, but other part feels she is just saying that to be professionally reassuring and nice welcoming to me,

I felt the therapy i had was just on superficial level,
i needed something much more deeper and meaningful,
in a nutshell,
I think on reflection now,
perharps i didn't reveal delve as much into my shitty childhood experinces as i should have,
i feel my childhood has kept me stuck in a rut of ever increasing circles one two three step forwards but then only being able to go so far in life
very limited,
in regards emotionally, jobwise career wise relationships wise,
It seems crap 💩 childhood experinces can undermine you in unexpected ways too,
such as struggling with low self esteem cofindence issues ect,
being acctracted to wrong type of men a couple of men and a couple of Users hangers on too...

I had this until I started therapy and then started having terrifying flashbacks of emotional and physical abuse.

@chickensaresafehere

I was adopted
I had opportunity of taking up the offer of meeting my birth mother but backed out of it,
cause of kind of childhood had,
She was in and out of mental institutions

My auntie asked my natural birth father if he wanted to meet me,
no chance,
as he was playing away from home when my birth mother became pregnant with me,
he was married to someone else

I wasn't interested in meeting him anyway couldn't care less about that one,

Met my rest of my family

My adoptive father i see around town he doesn't speak to me has nothing to do with me with me cause i went totally off the rails as a teenager when my lovely mother who adopted me died,
I had fuck all support to deal with that
Consirdering i was brought up in children's homes and separated from family very young and adopted in a different country from family of orgin as a child

Rest of my adoptive families are OK to me nice people .

@Aydahayda
Oh my god i do that too,
not peeing as much as i need to night time,
also weird thing i do is plucking a few strands of hair every so often here and there basis
i find it reassuring,

I also have tendency to comfort eat wrong type of foods crisps biscuits cakes ect even though i know obviously they are not good for me,
on logical level,

I have had in the past a tendency to be addicted to wrong types of relationships and men or and unhealthy situations,

Funny enough never been addicted to alchol or drugs which is a blessing considering everything,

i have had tendency in the past and now sort of still but not to such a extreme extant thankfully,
of self sabotage being self destructive tendency,
such as being actracted to toxic people and chaotic unhealthy dysfunctional relantships,
that are very out of balance,

Can anybody else relate to this kind of weird behaviours at all?