I don’t want to visit my mother on Mother’s Day

[BrendaBrown]

My dsis and I are both going through a difficult time accepting our mother for who she is evolving into as she gets older. As a child I always felt an element of love from her (although on reflection she was not a good mother in so many ways) and this is what I remember, but this has significantly diminished into adulthood I am no longer sure if she even likes me. I feel like she boasts about our achievements to other people but in person, it feels like she is a stranger. Even her political views have pivoted to someone I don’t remember her being before. She doesn’t have dementia or any cognitive issues but she has changed significantly from the person she was in my childhood and is bitter and self centred.

We are both disappointments in terms of how much effort we make with her and she seems to focus more on all of the negatives of her own life than any positives. My sister and I are successful in motherhood and jobs - we are busy women who work hard and invest a lot of time and love into our kids (and each others children). She makes effort with our DC in gifts but not communication - she only ever wants my attention, not theirs.

I resent her. I can’t help it. She feels like a huge albatross around my neck. Tomorrow my children have a lovely day planned for us and I know they have got me gifts as they sweetly laid them out on our dining table for me when they went to bed. I am excited to spend the day with them but I have this feeling of doom lurking over me.. I am expected to visit her at some point. I don’t want to. Dsis and I talk about how we should go through the motions, and it’s not as bad as we think it will be. But it’s emotionally draining and makes me physically itch. I feel like a terrible person - she’s my mum. Shes probably lonely. I can’t connect these feelings to her though.

I went to therapy a few years ago and whilst I thought my anger was mostly about my horrible abusive dad, it turned out a lot of my anger and resentment is with my mum. I don’t know if I am displacing anger anymore onto her. I wasn’t able to address it with her as she can’t handle these types of conversations. We both have no contact with my dad and life is better for it. I was taught about boundaries with my mum and after putting these into place everything has been worse, she resents me even more now for having boundaries

How do you deal with going through the motions with a parent? Can you ever get the unconditional love feelings back once they disappear?

Short answer, sorry OP, no.

I send a Mother’s Day card and a present. For years I ignored it though as I just couldn’t do it as she was barely a mother at all.

If you’re enjoying mother’s day with your kids just send her a card and say you’ll visit next week! The new normal! You can’t be in two places at once. Next year - only if you want to appease her – just visit her a couple of days before give her a card and box of chocolates or whatever. Don’t stay long heh?!

KEEP those boundaries up. Familiarity breeds contempt in the case of the N, in most cases ultimately. You can be polite distant strong. Just strong-arm it out. In fact the more she tries to destroy boundaries the bigger and stronger they get! Hey that’s how life works, the way it is. She’ll learn. Or not. Her problem!

I could have written this. I was loved by my mum growing up but we have a very dysfunctional relationship in adulthood for her many odd behaviours. I moved 3 odd hours away from her so I'm not expected to stop by and it's set boundaries so she can't just turn up at mine! I will preface that she is most definitely BPD (borderline personality disorder) so we clash a lot. She projects her insecurities from her own mums relationship onto me even though I've never given her any reason to doubt that I love her. For example of her weird behaviour. My bday falls on mother's day this year. She's coming to visit end of march and I've asked if she minds me giving her mother's day gifts when she visits so my presents don't get damaged in post and a few days later she says oh I ordered your bday presents to my house by mistake, mind if I bring them when I come up at end of month? Doesn't bother me but it's a very mum thing to "get me back" it sounds silly but that is what she does.

"Feeling of doom" yep I had this when I woke up as I am stealing myself to get in touch to take her card/presents round later. She doesn't like me coming in the house , well won't let me any further than the hall, as she can't control her dog who jumps up constantly and she prefers me not coming in to stopping it jumping up and on me. Doesn't make me want to make an effort but the feeling of not doing is worse. I am trying to "sit with my feelings" as you are advised to in therapy. Current feeling is dread in the pit of my stomach. Sorry no help but sympathise - once you've realised what they are like it is very hard to go back to a decent relationship.

Have you considered a flower delivery? That would keep her at arms length but you would have acknowledged the day if you wanted.

Pop in for an hour, take flowers, have a drink and a chat. Then leave, say you have plans /feel under the weather, DC have to be elsewhere whatever.

Yes I’ve done that but I know this will just be another resentment she has against me if I don’t go there. It won’t be good enough and she will be disappointed

she is aware that we just do the bare minimum. She lives alone not far from me I can go round there today without it causing an issue with my other plans. I just don’t want to which feels selfish and mean

I am NC with my mum..9 months.
Shes horrible.. narcissistic...cruel... jealous.. misogynistic etc.
I would message her..tell her you are spending day with your kids for mothers day. Post the card and maybe give her a ring later.
If she plays up..put the phone down..'happy mothers day, ive got to go'. If she was a good mum its different..but keep up those boundaries.

I have virtually no relationship with my mum.
I always pop over on the Saturday before for an hour. I then say my husband has organised a day with the children for me on the Sunday.
she accepts this and it’s fine.

I could have wrote your post a few years ago, I did Mother’s Day for my mum because it’s what she expects. as with your case my father was abusive and she let it happen, like your mum she wouldn’t talk about this as she thinks she didn’t do any thing wrong. When she would come round I would be in a different room until she had gone, pretended I was working cos I couldn’t stand to be around her. As Mother’s Day is today and you feel like you have to, I would go around at the earliest opportunity just to get it over with. Get your kids to ring you as soon as they can. Then enjoy the day with your kids. Next year decide you’re not doing it, your spending the day with your kids and tell her, stick to it. I know it’s very hard,.
I am no contact with my mum and it’s amazing the feeling you get when you realise you never have to see/speak to her again, it’s like a massive weight has been lifted. It’s something to think about.

Similar to my situation. I have sent flowers which were delivered yesterday but I'm dreading today because a phone call will be expected and I will feel guilty if I don't. (She lives a couple of hours away so she won't be expecting me to visit).
I think the key is to keep any contact to what's manageable for you and if that's none, so be it. A 10 minute phone call should not ruin my whole day (I hope).

I totally get the feeling of doom.

Agree with others, you don't have to see her on the day.

Next year get flowers delivered or see her the day before and enjoy the day with your family instead.

But your mother isn't the OPs mother. Hers just sounds difficult.

I'm going to put a different case forward. Many people grow cantankerous with age. I'm not sure why but it's very very common. Body aches, tiredness, hormones (and this can be a massive one), loneliness, a diminishing world. So many things.

Parents accept all sorts of difficulties with their dc. Surely party of family love is accepting diff from them when they slip into older age negativity no? I'm not talking about abuse. I'm taking about cantankerous behaviour. That weird self focused behaviour may develop.

Remember also, you are setting the blueprint for how you will be treated one day by your dc. No one thinks they will become grumpy and selfish in old age yet it is bizarrely common.

What's an hour, a cup of tea and a hug in a day. Especially as she's so nearby. I really think one reason people turn strange is because of the diminishing relevance they feel they are in their family's life

Text her. "Happy Mother's Day. I leave your gift on your doorstep tomorrow morning on my way to work. x"

My sister and I are successful in motherhood and jobs
your Mum must have done something right then.
I feel a bit sorry for your Mum tbh.

My mother isn't getting a visit, the most she is getting is a text.

💯 totally agree with all the above. I visited my mother many times when I wasn't up to it and sometimes came away in tears but would never have let her down. Get a phone call out of the way and then enjoy the rest of your day

I just don’t connect feelings with her. I feel guilty but I don’t know how to turn that into feeling warm feelings.

No she has nothing to do with our careers. Both of us flunked school very badly due to an absolutely horrible home life. My head of year helped me get some basic GCSE’s as it was so bad at home by letting me study in her office after school. My sister is more intelligent than me and had good potential but did worse. I was ‘tearaway teen’ into all sorts of bad things from about 13 and no one cared what we were doing. My DM resented all of us for her not having a career tbh, which she chose to give up to marry my dad. I know she boasts about us to other people but she never says anything to us. In fact she would try to take credit when my memory tells me otherwise. My dad drank and she bought him the drink, we had NO money at all, I was bullied relentlessly for my terrible clothes and shoes and no one spent time with me doing anything parent like.

My dad turned on me to try to get to my mum and although she seemed to stand up for me, I was a pawn between them in their horrible mind games.

We both moved out of home with men very young and settled down into bad relationships to escape. I think this is what made us turn to better careers as we then needed to escape those men so we both got careers after no uni (wasn’t allowed to go to uni by our parents).

All my mum wants to do is rant and rave at me about all the neighbours in her street and talk about them for hours on end. This is all that seems to be important to her. Oh, and banging on about my dad, dredging up all her bad memories of him

Its such a horrible unpleasant experience spending time with her she saves up all this resentment and just talks AT me

I'm going to put a different case forward. Many people grow cantankerous with age. I'm not sure why but it's very very common. Body aches, tiredness, hormones (and this can be a massive one), loneliness, a diminishing world. So many things.

Parents accept all sorts of difficulties with their dc. Surely party of family love is accepting diff from them when they slip into older age negativity no? I'm not talking about abuse. I'm taking about cantankerous behaviour. That weird self focused behaviour may develop.

The OPs situation is different though. She says her "D"F was a horrible abusive man. Perhaps she resents her DM from exposing her to such an abusive relationship?

@tittybumbum I do not treat my DC how I was treated and I have no expectations of them as they get older I just want them to be happy. My happiness does not depend on what they do for me to make me feel good. I like old people, I don’t have an old people problem or anything. My mum isn’t actually very old, she’s well under 70

@BrendaBrown when you say that your DM is never happy with any effort you put in, it sounds just like our situation.

Me and DSis decided a long time ago that if all efforts were criticised then the easiest path would be to do virtually nothing.

She would much prefer that I martyr myself trying at get some token of gratitude (unlikely as it's never happened yet) but I don't feel my life should revolve around trying to please her.

I get criticised no matter what so the best thing to do is nothing.

ops isn’t saying she doesn’t want to see her mum cos she’s old and is cantankerous. It’s to do with the childhood she suffered, if you don’t know/ can’t understand the effects an abusive childhood can have on someone you shouldn’t be commenting. Regarding the “blueprint” she will be set one day by her own dc’s by treating her own mother this way, what a load of crap. Op isn’t an abusive mother she cars for her dc’s. I don’t have contact with my own mother, does that mean my dc’s aren’t going to see me When there older? They will see me cos I’m a good mum. It’s noting to do with a “blueprint”. For some people a 1 hour visit i and a hug certainly for some people may be to much.

I feel similar about mine though I don't think she's changed since my childhood just always been a nightmare. Somehow she's bullied me into coming over for lunch today. I'm dreading it and it will ruin my day. Must remember to stay strong next year.

Nobody should feel obligated to visit a person who they struggle with/don't like very much, regardless of what day it is. Take back control, OP, and do as much or as little as you choose. You don't have to buy into the tyranny of days like today where everyone is expected to fawn over their "lovely mum". People are all different and not everything is perfect, nor can be.

My dad was like this. I found it empowering to do my duty towards him, nothing more. In your position, I would enjoy a lovely morning with your DC, then go together with your sister and maybe even all the grandchildren - safety in numbers. Bring lunch so you can show love by making it and clearing up after it, which is an excuse not to listen to the ranting bile. Then after two hours, go because kids have school tomorrow and there is homework etc. Back home for a lovely Mother's Day tea with DC, a walk if it is fine, a film if not, duty done.

With my dad, when he monologued his bile, I'd just say 'Oh - I've just remembered!' and walk out of the room as if I had to send a text/check what's in the oven. I learned not to feel guilty at all if I stopped listening because whether I did or not made no difference at all. Be super breezy and cheery and feel free not to actually listen to the rants. Interrupt them frequently with things that make her centre of attention - 'Mum do you want your Mother's Day flowers in this vase or that one. Mum you are head of the table at lunch today - what chair is your favourite? Mum what music do you want in the background.' Etc. If you feel in a kindly mood, reminisce with your sis in front of your mum about the lovely things she used to do with you/for you when you were little to try to rekindle some of the better memories.

Dsis is not coming. I don’t want to keep inflicting this on the DC so I don’t tend to take them. I’ve seen her the last few weekends so I am all worn out from this. I am constantly doing all the heavy lifting, I cook, clean, make drinks and I find it degrading while she just sits there waiting for her moment to unleash the vitriol about which neighbour did X or said Y on me.