I don’t want to visit my mother on Mother’s Day

[BrendaBrown]

My dsis and I are both going through a difficult time accepting our mother for who she is evolving into as she gets older. As a child I always felt an element of love from her (although on reflection she was not a good mother in so many ways) and this is what I remember, but this has significantly diminished into adulthood I am no longer sure if she even likes me. I feel like she boasts about our achievements to other people but in person, it feels like she is a stranger. Even her political views have pivoted to someone I don’t remember her being before. She doesn’t have dementia or any cognitive issues but she has changed significantly from the person she was in my childhood and is bitter and self centred.

We are both disappointments in terms of how much effort we make with her and she seems to focus more on all of the negatives of her own life than any positives. My sister and I are successful in motherhood and jobs - we are busy women who work hard and invest a lot of time and love into our kids (and each others children). She makes effort with our DC in gifts but not communication - she only ever wants my attention, not theirs.

I resent her. I can’t help it. She feels like a huge albatross around my neck. Tomorrow my children have a lovely day planned for us and I know they have got me gifts as they sweetly laid them out on our dining table for me when they went to bed. I am excited to spend the day with them but I have this feeling of doom lurking over me.. I am expected to visit her at some point. I don’t want to. Dsis and I talk about how we should go through the motions, and it’s not as bad as we think it will be. But it’s emotionally draining and makes me physically itch. I feel like a terrible person - she’s my mum. Shes probably lonely. I can’t connect these feelings to her though.

I went to therapy a few years ago and whilst I thought my anger was mostly about my horrible abusive dad, it turned out a lot of my anger and resentment is with my mum. I don’t know if I am displacing anger anymore onto her. I wasn’t able to address it with her as she can’t handle these types of conversations. We both have no contact with my dad and life is better for it. I was taught about boundaries with my mum and after putting these into place everything has been worse, she resents me even more now for having boundaries

How do you deal with going through the motions with a parent? Can you ever get the unconditional love feelings back once they disappear?

OP you sound as if you and DS have done incredibly to overcome your horrendous childhoods and make loving families. That is inspirational. You do not need to visit your mother if you feel so very uncomfortable. She sounds utterly toxic.

It is fine to get flowers delivered if you want to mark the day or ring briefly but you do not need to expose yourself or your children to her in person. No the feelings don’t return and your body would be betraying you if they did. It is telling you to stay safe I believe.

Very similar feelings to you.

I resent buying my mother a card and a gift. In fact, I secretly post it days after because I can't be bothered with the effort. I find the card with least emotional as possible, think a simple "happy Mother's Day" with no other detail.

You don't have to see her. Don't feel obligated. I don't. It's the feelings of seething resentment I have that mean I choose not to.

@Twobigbabies you could book a night away or a day out next year? You don't have to share a meal with her next year 

@BrendaBrown it sounds as though you're spending more time with her than you're comfortable with. I definitely don't cook and clean for my DM either but then she never really managed to even feed us as DC so perhaps I don't feel the same sense of obligation?

Go today of you've made arrangements but have an excuse to leave early and make yourself busy for the next few weekends to recoup your energy away from her.

My mother is the most difficult woman i know...its not an age thing. A lot of people avoid her. ...seen it with own eyes... physically avoid her...see her...go in other direction.
I would never advise anyone who has been mistreated most of their life by parents to keep exposing themselves to abuse. Which is what it is. OP spend time with your own kids today.

I’m successful in motherhood precisely because I think what would have mine done and ensure I don’t do the same. Is that what you count as doing something right?

Exactly.
I turned the toxicity around. Im a great mother and gran, my daughter knows that...shes very good mum to her kids. I was lucky i had 1 set of grandparents that showed me kindness..else im not sure id be who i am today.
Parents chose to have us not the other way around

Do not let her abuse you any longer.
Make new friends and help people who would actually appreciate your help. You are nobody's dumping ground.
Volunteer somewhere.
Be too busy to see her and go fashionably no contact with her.
She has no power over you.

My mother is the most difficult woman i know...it's not an age thing. A lot of people avoid her. ...seen it with own eyes... physically avoid her...see her...go in other direction.

People do that with my "D"M too although some people who don't know her well swallow her stories about how wonderful she is and think she's great. Which is what she wants, "she's fantastic and we're awful daughters". Exactly what she gains from adhering to this narrative at the expensive of spending time with her family is a mystery to me. Sir is very very keen that everyone sees her and us in that way though.

In answer to your question - I honestly don't know.

I would like to point out though when you wrote this bit @BrendaBrown "We are both disappointments in terms of how much effort we make with her" you need to call her out on it. Tell her that if she is disappointed now, wait until you stop going to see her at all. Neither of you are her punch bag and tell her that every time you go to visit her you leave thinking you've gone 10 rounds with Tyson Fury or Ali or whoever she would relate to and you are no longer going to put up with it.

Then stop going.

If she phones, and I'd say she will because she sounds like the type of person who thrives on personal attention, she'll complain on the phone. Hang up the call. Don't interact with her when she is being so terrible to you. You can only manage what you do with her, so don't worry about your sister for the time being. Just stick to the issue that you're feeling like a punch bag and it has to stop.