Struggling- what would life post divorce look like?

[BroughttoyoubyBerocca]

Married 12 years, together about 16/17 years. One DC aged 10. Both work full time. I have a hybrid/flexible role, he doesn’t, needs to attend workplace. I’ve always done the grunt work, nursery thought that I was a single parent, DH when needed will do a drop off/pick up, always need planning, some of my dates/meetings are non negotiable, has to happen. Obviously he goes out after work a lot without any arrangements.

i used to earn a bit less than him, now I earn more than double. We were very sociable together, since having child it’s been an issue, he goes out a lot. Regularly I’m home with dc alone, most Fridays Saturdays I’m here, he’s in the pub with bloke mates. I’m seething, not a single one of my peers are sat at home whilst their DH are on the piss, he went to watch the second half of the rugby, only just stumbled in. We had dinner plans as a family ffs.

what would divorce look like? Do we have to split everything 50/50? I would massively lose out. I’m pissed off, what’s wrong with me that I don’t seem to qualify for a husband who is part of the family?

It doesn’t sound like he’d actually want 50:50 as it would curtail his social life, so you’d still be at home with your child.
Cant you organise a baby sitter and go with him?

50/50 is the starting point for asset split but it isn’t a foregone conclusion particularly if you’re the main carer. I would speak to a solicitor and see what they say. However even if you have to pay him out now it’s better than being stuck in a crappy marriage for another 4 decades or however long.

dustylee - yes to babysitter but not every weekend, he regularly goes out afternoon into the evening, surely thats dinner/family time, I’m not going to pay a babysitter to do dinner so I get to sit in a pub with sport on tv.

I have a babysitter booked for Friday, for us to go out for dinner, I like him still but feel like he’s taking the piss.

All my friends and the other class mums are not all sat in every weekend whilst their DH is sat in a pub drinking with their mates.

She is the primary earner though. You might get child maintenance if he doesn't have 50% custody but could you afford to live in your house without him paying towards it? Could you afford to buy him out?

Well at the moment she’s both primary earner AND primary carer so destitution isn’t inevitable and seems OPs concern is having to pay him out rather than surviving without his salary. Seems v unlikely he’ll go for 50:50 on past performance and seems like he’s drinking quite a lot of his money anyway. Her dd is almost secondary age so childcare becomes much less of an issue especially if OP’s wfh a fair bit. All I’m saying is that if she’s unhappy I wouldn’t let reluctance to let him have some cash to see him on his way be a barrier to cutting him loose.

You suggested she might get more than 50% and as the primary earner that isn't very likely so she should consider how she would house the children. If she can't afford to buy him out on 50 / 50 then she might be able to stay in the house until the last child is 18 unless she does not have primary custody (which seems unlikely). I'd definitely see a good family lawyer in your shoes OP and ask them to lay out the best case and worst case so you can plan.

Have you talked to him about it?

if you still like him, and you used to be sociable and you earn well and your children will grow up, it seems a pity not to talk to him before heading to a solicitor. Be clear and factual and say you like him but feel like your peers see more of their husbands or have a better balance and how could you both make that happen for your marriage.

Would tend to agree with this, as the OP is the higher earner (double I believe), she would probably get less than 50%, especially if husband said he wanted evenings/ weekends etc, he would need suitable accommodation.

Talk to him. Genius. I am sure OP has not thought of that in ten years.

The fact is he knows full well he has left OP to do the bulk of the work. He knows full well he leaves her at weekends.

He’s just selfish. The simple truth is, this arrangement suits him. It suits him that he does less as OP picks up the slack. It suits him to not to think much about the impact of this on OP. OP picks up the slack whether she wants to or not: where is he motivation to change? All this suits him.

Of course, the possible Motivation could be because he cares about OP and wants a fair and equal marriage. But he clearly does not have that motivation

I don’t know of any divorce where there has been kids that has been 50/50. It depends on things like, who has the most earning potential, who will be the resident parent etc etc. I got over 70% in mine and it was the best thing I ever did!

We did, it's just been approved. I earn more but he kept the family house. He had enough to buy me out. These are the kind of points OP should consider. 50/50 is the starting point but if necessary for the purpose of housing the children (or otherwise for their welfare) you might get an uneven split.

I know a PP scoffed at talking to him but out of curiousity what does he say when you talk to him. How does he justify his behaviour that he spends loads of time at the pub while you're looking after your child?

I can't get my head round how you still like him when he's being a dick and doesn't respect / care about you enough to show up!

I didn’t scoff at talking to him.

I scoffed at the idea that in ten years OP had not already tried this, and therefore needed to be advised to do so by an internet stranger.

If someone has got to the point of posting on here, it’s a pretty safe bet that ‘talking to him’ has not been sufficient to solve the issue.

it doesn’t really matter how good or bad his justification for being at the pub is. He knows he can carry on with it, so he does. Because that suits him.

I suppose what I am saying is that this is a really simple case of a selfish man who pleases himself.

Sorry to hear that OP. I had an ex who behaved similarly. As he worked out of the house, there were many times when he'd just stay out, head off to the pub after work and I'd be left sitting in with the kids. What really bugged me was that I'd have to arrange with him if I wanted to go out but he had the freedom to just not come home. Totally selfish. It caused a lot of resentment. He knew exactly what he was doing but didn't care.
I'm so much happier since splitting from him. My children are now 80% with me which I'm happy with and so are they.
Get rid!

I'm sorry your husband isn't the partner you'd hoped for. It sounds to me like you have to weigh up what means more to you: the financial hit or the freedom from him. Which would make you happier? Staying put and tolerating his behaviour or being a bit worse off financially while being free of him?

You say you still like him so how much have you talked to him about the situation? If you have tried many times and he hasn’t made an effort it’s over, if you have never fully articulated this then it’s worth a try at least.

I do know one couple who had 50:50 but he very often didn’t do his part of the shared 50:50 due to his job. It did mean he paid zero maintenance. He was basically a massive prick and my lovely friend just didn’t tackle it. I met her when her child was already 13 and it had been going on for years already.

Assets are split 50:50 as a starting point. Everyone ends up a bit worse off financially divorcing as then you are paying for everything. But there is nothing worse then being in a miserable relationship.

But in this instance the OP earns twice as much, divorce also looks at current and future needs, a 60/40 split in favour of the husband might be more fair along with a slice of the OPs pension

You'd be happy. It's worth it!

The OP is not to give up her pension!!!! Get a great lawyer OP and you’ll be ok.

Pensions are classed as marital assets so yes you really may have to give some of it to your husband on divorce. It will be worth laying out for a decent lawyer. My friend is getting divorced and wants enough cash to buy a house outright so is making no claim on her husbands really excellent pension. Her pension provision is minimal but I see her reasoning.

Yep, as the financially weaker partner, the husband has a good chance of getting a claim on the OPs pension, but this could be traded against a greater slice of the overall assets for him

As the higher earner, worrying about the financial impact now is understandable. But rationally, the longer you let this situation drag on the worse the financial impact will become as the disparity in contributions accumulates. AND you'll be miserable to boot.

Take your time, get a really good lawyer but get out.

It does also depend on the pension pots. He might earn less but have a defined benefit pension for example. But pensions are marital assets and will be taken into account in a financial settlement.

Fact is, divorce will leave you both worse off financially, it is tough emotionally and there is no guarantee you'll find a better relationship. But sometimes it is still worth it - for me it was.

Due to job changes (always for the better) my pension is the poorer one.