Feeling so much guilt about leaving husband who cheated - help!

[Northernlassandlovingit]

Long story short, H had an affair at the end of last year, physical once (that I know about - may have been, he’s lied & minimised at every opportunity), but some sort of slow burn emotional thing since last summer. There’s been an awful lot of gaslighting along the way. I found out at Christmas, he begged to stay, which I said I’d consider on the understanding he stopped all contact. Since then his behaviour as been awful - ongoing gaslighting, projection, manipulation, guilt tripping, minimising, a refusal to answer questions, attempts to blame me - literally the opposite of what it should have been. The worst bit was repeatedly claiming to have gone non contact, and each time I discovered he was very much still in contact.

Anyway, I’ve finally reached the point of asking him to move out and wanting to end things. And suddenly he’s the perfect man, or at least - trying to be. Sometimes the old behaviours still creep back in. And obviously I have absolutely no trust that he’s not in contact with her, although he’s swearing that he isn’t.

Writing it all down it looks so awful - well, because it is awful! It’s been really, truly awful. But it’s so hard being the one to walk away when he’s begging to remember the good times (of which there were plenty - he blew up a good marriage, not a bad one, which makes it harder), he’s going to therapy, and obviously the kids would be devastated. Part of me thinks - what if he’s just had some sort of crisis and there’s a better man beneath all of that who might emerge? But then, I don’t see how I can ever trust him again, and I think - when the immediate crisis passes, and if I take him back - how do I know he won’t do it again?

But despite it all, the guilt is overwhelming. The kids will be heartbroken, and he’ll be heartbroken. I KNOW non of it is my fault. But I can’t get over the guilt, and the tiny bit of hope in my heart that says what if I’m walking away from someone who could change (I know, I know. I know precisely what I would say about this to my friend or my daughter).

Can anyone relate? How did you cope? Help!

I know exactly where you are, and it is awful. But it is a pattern - a very well researched and well trodden journey.

You are experiencing abuse, and what you are feeling is trauma bonding. If you Google FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) you can read loads around it.

My absolute recommendation would be to tell you friends and get a counsellor. They can help you unpick it and find the strength to move forward.

I am 2 years on now, divorced a few weeks ago, and am the happiest I have been in my whole life. 2 years ago, I was exactly where you are.

Take care. It will be okay.

The relief you will feel when you separate will outweigh anything you are feeling now.

Peace will reign.

Pull the trigger OP. Honestly you need to put you and the kids first because right now they are learning what a dysfunctional relationship looks like.

He caused this. Seek therapy.

Really do feel for you OP - based on what you've wrote I think you know it's over. If you know you cannot trust him again.

I also don't think the way he's treated you is right at all. I know you love and want what's best for your children... however you can't stay in what is believe would be an unhappy relationship just because of your children wouldn't be fair on any of you.

As they always say, time is the biggest healer. You deserve to be happy!

I’ve not been in your shoes but my mum has. She ended my parents’ marriage after my dad refused to stop having an affair (he wanted to remain married but not committed if you see what I mean). My dad looked grey and haggard for several months. Mum said to me once she felt like she’d shot him. Because there had been good stuff in the marriage and there was a lot of fondness still there. But my dad had forfeited his right to the marriage and that is what your H has done.

As you said, if your H had behaved kindly and decently since you discovered the affair, that would be one thing. But instead he’s repeatedly shat on you and your marriage and destroyed your trust. He didn’t care how you felt then and he didn’t care about your relationship. You will never have peace again with this man. It’s hard but you’re doing the right thing.

Btw: my mum went on to have a very happy second marriage to a lovely man.

7 years ago the same thing happened to me. Found out at Christmas, and he begged and pleaded and me being the soft touch, took him back.

I think he thought because I took him back for cheating he could treat me like shit as I didn't want to hurt the kids.

I finally put him out last Saturday and the relief I feel is stupendous. I was carrying a lot of hatred and resentment and I've since realised that us splitting up means I can let that go and actually move on.

Of course I'm filled with guilt about the impact on the kids but I hope I'm finally role modelling what you should do when a relationship is bad.

Be strong and know you are not alone.

Similar to @Dery my mum also left my dad who serially cheated. She is very happy now. It was rough for her at first but he was making her feel like she was going mad. I'm so glad the other posters have found happiness further down the line. God knows you all deserve it. You're doing the right thing OP 💐 one foot in front of the other. It will come right.

OP I could have written this myself. Found out 2021, been going on for 12 months, physical, told her he loved her. Utterly shocked, my world fell apart. No DC’s. We stayed together and I tried to get through it. Further things happened through 2022, all either apparently not what it looked like or coincidences etc. then end of 2022 I followed him, found them together. Apparently met for ‘closure’, despite holding hands and texting for weeks leading up to the meeting. It was the lying to meet her, I just couldn’t get past it. It ate me alive, lived with a cloud over me all the time, lost my self esteem, didn’t know who I was because I was so consumed by it. He’s now met someone else and flaunting it, I’m dating, but I’m utterly heartbroken still and struggle daily. I miss him, I miss our life, I’m grieving, terrified of the future, I read this forum all the time looking for help or similar stories. I just want to wake up one day without this weight and have the strength to move forwards. Im so sorry you’re going through this too, it’s absolutely horrendous. And same as you, writing it down, it sounds awful because it was! Sending love x

Thank you! Yes, I have spoken to a few friends (eventually - he tried to stop me talking to anyone, which I know in itself is problematic) and they've all said the same thing - that is behaviour has hallmarks of abuse. It's so difficult tho to reconcile that with over a decade of NOT be abusive - can someone really become abusive after that long? Which is not to say he was always perfect - he's always been a bit prone to lie & manipulate - but it was rare, and felt manageable, and there was so much more good stuff than bad stuff. The last six months he's honestly been like a completely different person.

And the this last fortnight it's like all the good stuff is back on display, and he can be so lovely when he wants to be. But I know, rationally, that in itself can be another way abusers keep control. I don't think he's even doing it intentionally for that purpose though. He'd be utterly horrified if he knew I was using that sort of language about him; it's so completely opposed to the way he sees himself. I just don't know what's real and what's not anymore. Which should tell me everything I need to know but it's still just... hard.

Thanks for the FOG tip - I have been googling, and it's very much speaking to me!

Lovely to read a story with a happy ending, thank you!

Grey and haggard is exactly how he looks now and I feel so awful about it, despite everything. I've spent a decade and a half of my life caring about him, and I hate hurting him like this. Even though he didn't give the slightest shit about hurting me, so I KNOW it's ridiculous.

Could I ask, what brought you to that point after 7 years. Did he do it again, or did you reach the point where you just realised it would never be good again?

I think both eventualities are likely outcomes if I chose to stay.

Have you seen the chumplady websites - chumplady.com and tellmehowyouremighty.com. Also her book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. There's lots of articles on there that describe exactly what you're going through, and help on getting out/moving on. She doesn't advocate for reconciliation!

He dipped his dick in another woman. Imo you won't ever forgive or forget that.... And why should you?

Guilt is a powerful emotion as you know. But clearly your H only feels it when he is under threat of being chucked out, which is why he now looks rough. But, when he thought you were going to stick it out, where was his guilt then? He was treating you like crap because accepting his behaviour means you don't respect yourself enough, so neither does he. To his mind, he'd got away with it and you deserved it.
You are now in an ideal position to test his worthiness ( thou I thinkwe know the answerto that already). You need to make him leave. Only if he sorts himself out, steps up as a father and shows you he can co-parent effectively, should any future reconciliation be considered by you (without telling him there is any hope or making any promises, otherwise he could fake it for a while).
In your head, aim to be apart at least 6 months, then assess how he has been during that period. You may find you no longer want him by then, he may bounce back to OW, sure, but you need to find out if he would, given opportunity, as that tells you all you need to know.

@Letsdocoffee I'm really sorry to hear that. It's so hard isn't it! Yes, my H has talked about 'closure' as a reason for still being in contact, but I'm having none of it. Even if it was true - tough, you don't get to have closure with an AP if you really value your wife and your marriage. It's just another form of being completely selfish.

Sorry to hear you're still struggling after so long, feel free to DM if it helps in any way! I feel a tremendous need to talk to people who've gone through similar, because I think you need to have lived it to really understand the weight of it all.

@Northernlassandlovingit
He didn't do it again... that I know of but it was never the same.
There was this unspoken threat almost that if I wasn't a good enough wife that it could happen again.

Every time I looked at him it was my first thought.

It took me years to get into the position that I could support myself and the kids. The straw that broke the camel's back? I said that I didn't want to see Dune 2 in the cinema which coincided with a 3 week sex drought.

Because of this I was getting the silent treatment, he was storming about the house with hatred emanating from him. It was such a toxic atmosphere and I was sitting in my car in a random car park crying about the thought of going home.

I was trying to think of strategies to cope with this over the weekend when I just realised that I was done. He stormed out once I told him, went awol. Came crawling the next day, to get work stuff, I told him we were over for good.

So far I've had:

1. he's got nowhere to go so is sleeping in his car
2. threatening to disappear out his kids lives if I don't take him back
3. threats of hurting himself
4. accusations of ME cheating on him

Just an hour ago I got flowers delivered for Mother's Day. In 24 years, I can count on one hand how many times he's got me flowers.

Too little, far too late and I'm done.

I agree; Your partner most likely thinks he can paper over things as you've never actually followed through and split. He's playing you, he's not thinking of his family he's been totally selfish.

I think you need to reevaluate what your relationship has been like, you've been made to feel low in self confidence and you are blaming yourself for something that's SO not your causing.

You know if he stays this will just keep happening, he has no respect for his family, you are doing your kids a favour, believe me my mum cheated and as a kid I could pick up on the atmosphere and the rows my parents had. I felt so sorry for my dad, you are a wonderful person thinking of your kids, now go get a better life with your kids x

I'd like to give you my perspective about 'forgiving and staying' from the point of view of a child of a marriage where this happened.

My father started being unfaithful to my mother before I'd even started primary school. Usually with work colleagues - my mother would find out, he'd find a new job, which usually necessitated moving...I'd moved houses/cities/towns 6 times before I was 5!

He started working abroad when I was 9 and that's when it really stepped up. A very long story shorter, he finally left my mother for his latest other woman when I had just turned 21.

My mother kept 'forgiving' him because she is Catholic and her religion demanded it. I put forgiving in quotation marks because the reality is she never did. She became (still is) very angry and bitter and between both my parents my childhood was very difficult.

It's no way for you or your children to live. You will be constantly on watch for signs of it happening again...you will never be able to truly trust him again. Do yourself and your children a favour and end it for good.

Depends on so many factors imo. Did you see the content of any messages, were they flirty and sexy, full of desire or just boring chats? Have you contacted her to ask her side of the story?

So many married people message inappropriately. If it was/is an actual love affair of course kick him out but if he was bored, strayed and regrets it massively then there's maybe room for discussion.

How were things before, active sex life and generally happy life together?

My 'H' was caught out and showed very little remorse. Worked overseas and practically lived a double life. We limped along but it ate away at me for years. I drank wine to block it out - I was never a drinker beforehand and it really was the only way I could stomach him in the end. I stupidly thought we could sort things out, now I know the person I married is long gone. It takes a certain sort of person to lie and cheat on that level. Utter disrespect for his wife and kids, he wouldn't leave the family home so eventually I did with the kids and a bag of clothes literally nothing more. I think he thought I wouldn't leave, too weak, no money, nowhere to go.. lots of controlling behaviour on his part! I'm still angry he did this to our family, he's somehow made it look like I'm the mad one and he did nothing wrong (prepare for that). On a good day I'm strong, know I did the right thing and life is good. We have a new home, I've decorated it all by myself - every penny spent of my own hard working money. Pains him to see this and makes me delighted! I'm yet to go down the divorce route and when I have the strength to do so I'm taking him for every dam penny. I know it's hard and the guilt is frigging awful but it will never be the same. Someone that can cheat and treat you this way really isn't worth your time. I wish you well for the future xx

Dont worry, time will heal. Any man of woman that cheats needs to be kicked out as the deivt which may often go on for years is horrible. Often its with someone you know

I've been there with all the "ive ended it, it's in the past" only to perpetually rediscover. It messes with your head.

Remember - him looking grey and haggard is because his own crap that he caused has caught up with him in a way that is now negatively affecting him. When it was catching up with you and causing you pain and distress, he didn't look grey and haggard about what he'd done to you, that didn't seem to bother him too much.

If you have a long history of getting on well then I would draw heavily on that and try to make a lovely co-parenting relationship where you can be friendly and your kids can thrive.

OP, choose guilt over regret every time. Your guilt will pass because it is unwarranted, but your regret at staying with him will last a lifetime.

Grey and haggard is exactly how he looks now and I feel so awful about it
Yeah, my exh was sad too, when his OW's husband found out and he thought they would have to end their affair.

He too used to be a bit of a liar previously. Should have dealt with the issues that caused this many years ago, but did not. Claimed to be having therapy during the "dead-eyed changeling" period but was in fact meeting up with OW.

Stop feeling guilty and get the person into therapy that needs the most support in this situation. Let him hang around and see how soon he slips back or not if you like, but personally, when my ex left it was a huge relief and the start of the healing process for me and the children.

The guilt emotion isn't on his radar. He is a cheating cunt.