Feeling so much guilt about leaving husband who cheated - help!

[Northernlassandlovingit]

Long story short, H had an affair at the end of last year, physical once (that I know about - may have been, he’s lied & minimised at every opportunity), but some sort of slow burn emotional thing since last summer. There’s been an awful lot of gaslighting along the way. I found out at Christmas, he begged to stay, which I said I’d consider on the understanding he stopped all contact. Since then his behaviour as been awful - ongoing gaslighting, projection, manipulation, guilt tripping, minimising, a refusal to answer questions, attempts to blame me - literally the opposite of what it should have been. The worst bit was repeatedly claiming to have gone non contact, and each time I discovered he was very much still in contact.

Anyway, I’ve finally reached the point of asking him to move out and wanting to end things. And suddenly he’s the perfect man, or at least - trying to be. Sometimes the old behaviours still creep back in. And obviously I have absolutely no trust that he’s not in contact with her, although he’s swearing that he isn’t.

Writing it all down it looks so awful - well, because it is awful! It’s been really, truly awful. But it’s so hard being the one to walk away when he’s begging to remember the good times (of which there were plenty - he blew up a good marriage, not a bad one, which makes it harder), he’s going to therapy, and obviously the kids would be devastated. Part of me thinks - what if he’s just had some sort of crisis and there’s a better man beneath all of that who might emerge? But then, I don’t see how I can ever trust him again, and I think - when the immediate crisis passes, and if I take him back - how do I know he won’t do it again?

But despite it all, the guilt is overwhelming. The kids will be heartbroken, and he’ll be heartbroken. I KNOW non of it is my fault. But I can’t get over the guilt, and the tiny bit of hope in my heart that says what if I’m walking away from someone who could change (I know, I know. I know precisely what I would say about this to my friend or my daughter).

Can anyone relate? How did you cope? Help!

The kids know you are in an unhappy marriage - they aren’t stupid. Don’t think they don’t know either because they do.

You can’t hide your sadness.

How guilty is he feeling? Absolutely nothing would keep me with someone who cheated. Kids or no kids.

He's a piece of shit attached to your shoe that you've walked around in for so long you've got used to the smell.

He's no role model to your children and his lies and deceptive behaviour will send you to the brink of a nervous breakdown or even a complete breakdown.

You have no reason to feel guilty as everything stems from his shitty behaviour and he can twist and given the knife all he can to make you feel bad about splitting up but that's pure manipulation because he cannot admit that he is a piece of shit that has caused his family life to implode.

This is a really helpful post.

Op, if your h really loved you and wanted to show it, he's had multiple opportunities.

But he hasn't taken them. You deserve so much better.

He won’t change
been where you are at
get rid
your children will be so much better off long term
don’t set them up for a life time of being used and cheated on etc, our children learn by our example
I forgave and carried on for years with a manipulative gaslighting cheat
because of my daughter and thought it would be worse for her to kick him out
she’s 21 now living with a bloke just like her father , @she’s seen her father without my help for who he is .
shes now in a relationship with a gaslighting controlling narcissist.
stop the pattern be brave live your life truthfully

Part of the issue seems to be your own feelings of guilt. I think guilt is understandable to an extent, but it's better than the alternative which is resentment.

Resentment is controlled by the actions of someone else. So it eats away at you. But guilt comes from within. So you own it, you can examine it, and you can reframe your thoughts about its causes and whether it's really justified. That may take some time.

You deserve the life you deserve. Well done for taking action - it's much harder than doing nothing.

Oh my goodness so many kind and wise words - thank you everyone! I have read and re-read them all.

To answer some questions - yes, it was a good marriage, or at least it felt like one! A good sex life (considering two primary aged DC), still enjoyed each others' company etc, rarely argued. He was good at making me feel special, making a fuss of me on birthdays etc. Loved the kids and did a lot with them. He always told me how much he loved me. I truthfully always did more than my fair share of the work with the house & children, but he was (or seemed) a loving and committed family man. I do think this makes it harder, because I'm walking away from a life that made me very happy for years.

On the subject of re-evaluating the relationship, he has always had a tendency to lie, has always slightly resented anything that stopped him getting his own way, and could sometimes be quite emotionally manipulative. I suppose a streak of entitlement. But he's certainly not a serial cheat, I'm certain this is the first affair he's had (he's been so terrible at hiding it that he definitely can't have done it before!) There was an issue a decade ago where he got too close to a woman & lied about it, truthfully it probably did verge towards emotional affair territory. I'd honestly moved past it, figuring we all make mistakes and it seemed out of character and therefore forgives le, but obviously it's playing on my mind again now.

The affair he had definitely went beyond a bit of flirtation. I still don't know the full extent of it, because he hasn't told me a single thing beyond what I have discovered for myself, but I've seen enough to know there were declarations of love & I'm pretty sure future faking (which I don't think he has any intention of carrying through with - so he's been manipulating her as well as me).

Sorry, I also possibly didn't make it clear when I said I've asked him to move out - he has actually gone. It's all quite new but truthfully it mostly feels like a relief, but I think in his head it's very much temporary. He's been quite angry & controlling at points since i found out,but now he's being incredibly loving and keen to please. I feel like I don't even know who he is any more.

I suppose when I write it all out what I need to do looks pretty obvious. But... god, it's the hope that kills me. But honestly... hope for what? Hope that I could be happy again with a man who has treated me like he has? I do realise, written down, how implausible that sounds.

OP

Big difference with him gone and you telling him However, if you have any self-respect, NEVER take the deceiver back as they often come back as cheats cheat again. Therefore, a good chance he will cheat again or she will.

Time will heal and hopefully you will meet a genuine person

I've noted that those who have bee deceived and split, often never cheat as they know the hurt it causes. So try to find a man that has been deceived by his wife. However, there are just as many weak minded men as women out there that may go back to their original love/deceiver,

One of my family was cheated on just before marriage, she was put off men for life but then agreed to marry a new guy they had dated 18 moths - a few weeks into marriage she found out the he had another child and was seeing the other woman. That lad, young lady has been single for over 15 years and is a looker but she's had enough of men as do some women have enough of men.

But trust me, time will heal and be strong, very strong and be prepared for him to come back for one night stands or claim to be back for good because he has seen the light, trust me its all first-class BS

The fact that he's done this and managed to pass over the 'guilt' emotion to you just shows how fucked up this situation is.

Grey and haggard is exactly how he looks now and I feel so awful about it, despite everything. I've spent a decade and a half of my life caring about him, and I hate hurting him like this. Even though he didn't give the slightest shit about hurting me, so I KNOW it's ridiculous.

Ugh I despise these men who do what they want when they want and don't care who they hurt, and then act like the sad little victim. It's highly manipulative and he knows it an

To answer some questions - yes, it was a good marriage, or at least it felt like one! A good sex life (considering two primary aged DC), still enjoyed each others' company etc, rarely argued. He was good at making me feel special, making a fuss of me on birthdays etc. Loved the kids and did a lot with them. He always told me how much he loved me. I truthfully always did more than my fair share of the work with the house & children, but he was (or seemed) a loving and committed family man. I do think this makes it harder, because I'm walking away from a life that made me very happy for years.

Makes it harder but also makes what he did worse.
If he could cheat when you were happy, had a good sex life, rarely argued, was always telling you how much he loved you etc. then how on earth could you ever trust him again?
He can't offer you anything now except for a relationship in which you can never feel safe and secure again, and he thinks it's ok to guilt you into staying.

Twice that you know of now he's had at least an emotional affair so that just shows when he feels like he needs a boost or distraction or excitement he puts himself first no matter what the consequences but you're supposed to stay committed to a marriage in which you have to feel paranoid and insecure every day? We know that he wouldn't want that for himself! You deserve better!

Wise words, thank you.

Yes, you're so right, it DOES make it worse! I think on some level I've realised that but never quite articulated it. Because it's not like I can say well I'll fix x, y and z and then we'll be ok (not that it would make what he'd done remotely acceptable, even if x, y and z had been wrong). I've been thinking 'but could it be good again?', but perhaps it's more a case of, if he could do this to a good marriage, what security will I ever have again, however 'good' things might seem?

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply, I'm going to re-read them all when I need help staying strong!

I didn't put it in my original post but the lengths my father went to were beyond just having affairs.

When I was 11 he persuaded my mother we should go back to my country of origin...we were living in the UK, myself, my mother and my two brothers are Australian. At the time I thought it was weird, because my French father hated Australia and had refused citizenship when it was offered, after nearly a decade of living there.

Ultimately, his plan was we were going to go first, he had to wait for a new visa ...but he wasn't actually going to join us. My mother found out literally on the day we were flying back that not only had he not given notice on his job, but he'd arranged new accommodation in the UK for just himself!

The reason I'm telling this story is that even after all that she STILL stayed with him. We all had to endure another decade of his shit, because she valued her marriage above her children.

I have zero respect for my mother now, and have in fact been very low contact with her for 25 years (I've been no contact with my father since he left when I was 21...that's now 34 years ago). She still refuses to accept that myself and my brothers were very badly affected by her decision to stay with my father.

I think it’s a good idea to have reminders - start by changing his name on your phone to Cheater - instant reminder of who he is.

Then you need to sort out your future - look at all the positives now he’s gone - no longer have to cook his tea iron his shirts watch his TV shows!

He can take the children in his time and you can have some space to find things you enjoy.

He on the other hand is trying to get back to the good life - if he’s moved back in with parents - they will want shot of him as well - don’t bow down to their pleas of being reasonable and take him back. They have an interest in you doing so.

Look forward not back.

@FreeRider That's awful! What my H has done is awful, but it's not as awful as THAT! But I take your point that you do have at some point to draw the line, and to say... I won't allow myself to be treated like this. Obviously my kids don't know what he's done, but it must be obvious to them that the relationship is not in a good place. It is absolutely not what I would want for either of them.

@Scarletttulips In fairness I've never ironed his shirts in the first place, no chance but yes, there are of course bits of being myself that I can appreciate - generally having a chance for a bit of self care & to put myself first a bit. Trying to lean into these things at the moment.

I am in my 40s with both parents who have passed away. I recently found out that my dad was unfaithful to my mum on numerous occasions. She stayed with him so as not to disrupt the family, which I feel grateful for. But it pains me that she did that and I know how depressed it made her, which then also affected us. It’s just that we didn’t know why she was so down. What I am saying is that by staying with him you could still upset the children if they find out later. This is because they will want the right thing for you. So don’t feel guilty. Leave him and focus on a positive relationship with the children.

Thank you for this perspective - it’s really helpful. Yes, of course I’d want my mother to leave my father if he ever treated her like this. I don’t know if that’s how I’d have felt as a child, but it helps to remember they’re not children forever!

That must have been a traumatic discovery for you though, I hope you’re ok.

Hi OP. Apologies for resurrecting this thread. I’m in a similar position and currently scouring every corner of the internet for something that might give me some hope. I hope you’re doing ok now. You sound very strong. Can I ask how things look for you now? Xxx

Oh my goodness, I’d forgotten even posting this, it’s been an interesting experience re-reading everything I wrote then.

I’m so sorry you’re here - it’s such an awful place to be. I lost a stone, cried constantly and didn’t sleep for about three months. It’s awful what people can do to their partners who they claim to love.

But to answer your question - I stuck to my decision, he’s moved out, and we’re getting divorced, and it’s the best decision I ever made. Surprise surprise the affair partner who he ‘never loved’, was only ever ‘just a friend’, and who I ‘blew out of all proportion’ has moved in with him, which has helped me feel a lot less guilty, although he still likes to claim regularly that I was the one who chose to end the relationship. Now he’s out of the house and I’ve got more headspace I can see much more clearly how abusive his behaviour was, and how completely miserable my life would have been if I stayed. He is a very skilled manipulator and I easily could have done, and it scares me.

The kids are doing well, under the circumstances, I am eating and sleeping again and loving having him out of my life (in the main, tho he still sees the kids). I sometimes miss being a family, but I don’t ever miss him. If I’d stayed it would have destroyed me. The relationship would have been the shell of a relationship, and I’ve have been the shell of a woman.

Feel free to DM me if it helps.

Stay strong, and NEVER let him make you feel guilty if you decide to walk away - he was the one who broke the relationship when he cheated on you.

Oh OP. Your update has brought a tear to my eye!

Well done you!!!

And good luck the other poster. It DOES get better!!

@Northernlassandlovingit thankyou so much for replying. I am feeling very similar - can’t eat or sleep, terrified about breaking up the family unit, still feel like I’m being lied to and feeling like if I hadn’t caught him, nothing would have changed. I too assume he will shack up with her if we split, because he can’t bare being alone.

Deep down I know I will never trust him again. It has given me so much hope and I’m so glad you’re happy ❤️

And Thankyou @NearlySeptember Im so sorry you’ve been through similar too, and I’m so glad oh are out the other side! ❤️❤️❤️

The reason you are feeling guilt inappropriate is the manipulation job he is doing on you since the affair. I came from a very abusive family situation and felt I had to leave and the guilt was overwhelming but it wasn’t appropriate guilt either. You face into the guilt, you put distance between you and him and you remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing and eventually your emotional part of your brain catches up with your rational part of your brain. It takes time and distance.

@Northernlassandlovingit
What an amazing update! Great to hear how well you're doing💕

he begged to stay,

Well, of course he did! Saves him having to fix his own life and get somewhere to live.

Turf him out, go grey rock, even better tell him to fuck off if he's been cheating on you.

Oh, and get an STI test.

Sorry you're going through this, but take it from me, take out the garbage. Your life will be so much better.

No man who loves a woman would treat her like this.