Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it cheating if they’ve never met…?

31 replies

Sadie407 · 08/03/2024 19:54

I discovered that my husband has been messaging another woman. She lived in a different country so he never met her nor would ever meet her. He was going through a period of really mad mental health and said it was an escape from his then reality. He was caught which to me is the only reason it stopped. They discussed meeting up but I know that this would never have happened because of the logistics/money. He knows her through work and that’s how it started.

I stayed for our children but I am finding life incredibly difficult.

Is it still considered cheating in the same way if it wasn’t physical/in person? I’d be interested in hearing your opinions. Thanks

OP posts:
Mummame222 · 08/03/2024 19:55

Yes.

Midnlghtrain · 08/03/2024 19:56

I'd consider it cheating.

It's cheating when they form that emotional connection - acting dishonestly and lying to you.

If it wasn't for logistics and money they'd have met up? Only stopped because it was discovered?

Trying to class it as not cheating is minimising the sneaky lying behaviour imo. Plenty of people have poor mental health without cheating so don't let that cloud your judgement!

Sleepytimebear · 08/03/2024 19:56

What matters is what you think. If you think he crossed a line and his behaviour is not acceptable to you, that's enough. It doesn't matter what he thinks.

PieAndLattes · 08/03/2024 19:57

Yes, he has been having an emotional affair. He has been devoting time and energy to that relationship rather than the one he has with you. He has been keeping a secret from you, and he may even have spoken to her about you.

CandidLion · 08/03/2024 19:58

In my opinion yes. The intent and thought was there regardless of who the person was or where the person lives

NotsurewhatIsaid · 08/03/2024 19:59

It still is cheating.

Original poster
Sadie407 · 08/03/2024 20:03

I did message the other woman without him knowing months after because I knew they’d been in touch about work stuff. She also said she was going through a period of bad mental health, was unhappy in her marriage and was turning to alcohol a lot. I questioned her a lot about what he had told me (that was discussed/went on between the two of them) and she confirmed a lot of what he had said. She said he didn’t speak about me in a bad way, only that I was an amazing mother to our children. She too said it was an escape for her and that it never would’ve gone anywhere.

he is sorry and I do believe him that he is. But it has broken me. I’m not the same person anymore. I don’t know how to trust him again.

OP posts:
AngelaBB · 08/03/2024 20:04

It is cheating.

Notsuredontknow · 08/03/2024 20:05

It’s a very personal thing but for me this would be cheating. I would find it very difficult to move on from my DH forming that closeness and emotional attachment. I think the fact that it was a long term relationship would make it even harder to forgive than had it been a drunken one night thing. But it’s hard to know until it happens. I hope you’re ok OP x

SamW98 · 08/03/2024 20:08

An emotional affair is cheating imo.

Olika · 08/03/2024 20:08

I couldn't let this go and stay as if my DH does anything that breaks my trust my wall goes up and that's it. I understand you want to stay for the kids but this is going to eat you little by little.

Hatty65 · 08/03/2024 20:09

It would count as cheating for me. I don't expect my husband to form an emotional attachment to another woman - fantasy based or not.

I would not be able to forgive.

justthecat · 08/03/2024 20:10

Yes my ex did this with several women at the same time

Pinkplans · 08/03/2024 20:11

He kept their relationship secret from you. He developed an emotionally intimate relationship with another woman. He betrayed your trust. He made plans with the woman to further disrespect you. It was an affair.

Shooooo · 08/03/2024 20:11

I don’t think it matters what other people think. Ultimately it’s what you think and whether you want or even can get past it.

Original poster
Sadie407 · 08/03/2024 20:20

Thanks all. I haven't spoken to this to anyone else so it's all been in my head since it first happened. I just wanted to know that other people would feel the same if they were me and that all my feelings were valid.

I can't imagine my life without him.

OP posts:
Idontknowwhattodo78 · 08/03/2024 20:31

Yes, I would go batshit and I would definitely consider it cheating. And actually, if you did it to him, I think he would too?? Have you asked him that?

LifeExperience · 08/03/2024 20:31

Your feelings are completely valid. An emotional affair is an affair.

All2Well · 08/03/2024 20:34

For ages I thought not.

Then he announced he’d be going to visit her, in her country.

Reader, he moved almost half way across the world and married her.

I can't imagine my life without him.

Neither could I but I survived and if push came to shove, you would too. It sucks though.

Original poster
Sadie407 · 08/03/2024 20:46

All2Well · 08/03/2024 20:34

For ages I thought not.

Then he announced he’d be going to visit her, in her country.

Reader, he moved almost half way across the world and married her.

I can't imagine my life without him.

Neither could I but I survived and if push came to shove, you would too. It sucks though.

Edited

What happened? Did you discover he'd be talking to her whilst with you?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 08/03/2024 20:55

It's an emotional affair and I call it cheating.

caringcarer · 08/03/2024 20:58

Sadie407 · 08/03/2024 20:03

I did message the other woman without him knowing months after because I knew they’d been in touch about work stuff. She also said she was going through a period of bad mental health, was unhappy in her marriage and was turning to alcohol a lot. I questioned her a lot about what he had told me (that was discussed/went on between the two of them) and she confirmed a lot of what he had said. She said he didn’t speak about me in a bad way, only that I was an amazing mother to our children. She too said it was an escape for her and that it never would’ve gone anywhere.

he is sorry and I do believe him that he is. But it has broken me. I’m not the same person anymore. I don’t know how to trust him again.

That's your gut telling you that you can't trust him because he betrayed you.

AuntMarch · 08/03/2024 20:58

I'd be more hurt by this than a one night stand!

Usernamechange1234 · 08/03/2024 21:04

Yes it’s cheating. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

All2Well · 08/03/2024 21:12

Sadie407 · 08/03/2024 20:46

What happened? Did you discover he'd be talking to her whilst with you?

Show quote history

We weren’t married so that’s different to you, but we were 30 and I thought we would marry and start a family.

They were work colleagues. He would sporadically speak about her so in a way it was quite open. We were together most of the time everyday and he wasn’t always on his phone or anything, very affectionate and communicative with me. She thought he was single. She fell in love with him, she was very naive and a bit younger, never had a boyfriend and was all a bit in fantasyland with this “English Prince” idea. I think he felt powerful with her fawning over him. It felt like WE were very much in love and it was grounded in reality not a silly fantasy.
I didn’t see her as a threat to be honest, but I was a bit irked. There were long periods of them not having contact and he never seemed to be the one initiating…he didn’t seem THAT bothered about her.

Towards the end he started comparing us a lot and joking about “his girlfriend in Alabama”, would say “oh I’m going to Alabama next month” to see how I’d react. One day, we were in bed cuddling and she messaged him on Facebook…As he’s spooning me I can see the message ffs! She was telling him she loved him (and it didn’t seem to be the first time) and he just text back loads of kisses instead of putting her right! I could see she fully thought they were in a relationship and he must have been encouraging it. All the while, he was talking about proposing and asking me about rings…the exact same week!

I left him there and then. He never fought for me or tried to change my mind or apologise. I was heartbroken.

Swipe left for the next trending thread