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Original poster

Partners son taking advantage

45 replies

Vanmaker · 08/03/2024 15:47

Hi I am annoyed that my partners adult son is taking advantage of him. Partner and I have been together for five years. We aren’t currently living together, however this is something that we will do in the future.

partner has a son who is 25. He works full time but seems to lurch from one financial crisis to another. He has a decent job, however I do accept that he has to pay rent in a fairly expensive part of the country.

on many occasions my partner will help him out financially. Sometimes it is for things like rents or bills. I also know that he has paid off debts for him in the past, however this isn’t something that my partner talk to me about a great deal as he knows that it annoys me.

hos son has no met a girl and they are looking to buy a house together. My partner had some money set aside to help him with a house deposit. I have no issue with this as that is something that I would do for my children too. I just think that after that it all needs to stop.

he even has his car finance in my partners name as he was unable to get the rate that he wanted.

My partner thinks I’m being unreasonable and that it is his money and that he is willing to help 80 sonic necessary. Was that may be true this isn’t something that can continue if we do decide to move in together.
my partner thinks I’m being unreasonable and that it is his money and that he is willing to help out so that necessary. Whilst that may be true this isn’t something that can continue if we do decide to move in together.
aibu?

OP posts:
Garlicnaan · 08/03/2024 15:52

Yes I think yabu

His money, his choice.

Gagagagagaga · 08/03/2024 15:54

His money, his son, his choice.

Deathbyfluffy · 08/03/2024 15:55

It's probably more than I'd do, but then again I was called a 'monster' for telling a friend they shouldn't be a guarantor on their daughter's flat (purely due to knowing how badly this can go).

Up to him ultimately, but it sounds like son needs to get a grip and sort his own shit out.

Zanatdy · 08/03/2024 15:55

You are being unreasonable as it’s his son and his choice if he wants to spend his money helping him. If you don’t like it / think it’s a deal breaker than I guess you can end the relationship

Sunshineclouds11 · 08/03/2024 15:56

YABU

PurplePanda1 · 08/03/2024 15:56

YABU - I can see why this annoys you but it is up to him how he spends his money.

TinyYellow · 08/03/2024 15:56

YABU. What makes you think you get to control his choices for his money and his son?

You want to be his partner not his boss. Mind your business!

LifeExperience · 08/03/2024 15:57

YABU

Perfect28 · 08/03/2024 15:59

I love all the replies here but of course if it was 'husband' and not 'partner' the replies would be different and everyone would tell you it's shared money.

SignoraVolpe · 08/03/2024 16:00

More fool him.
Don't move in with him.
My dm is now retired and poor because she helped my db all his life.

WeeOrcadian · 08/03/2024 16:01

Do you have joint finances?

TinyYellow · 08/03/2024 16:04

Perfect28 · 08/03/2024 15:59

I love all the replies here but of course if it was 'husband' and not 'partner' the replies would be different and everyone would tell you it's shared money.

They don’t even live together yet! A marriage is, among other things, a financial commitment to another person. As he hasn’t made that commitment, he can still do what he wants with his own money.

Perfect28 · 08/03/2024 16:04

@TinyYellow why he not they?

TinyYellow · 08/03/2024 16:07

Because the thread is about his money

Lifebeganat50 · 08/03/2024 16:07

Perfect28 · 08/03/2024 15:59

I love all the replies here but of course if it was 'husband' and not 'partner' the replies would be different and everyone would tell you it's shared money.

They would also be sharing a home, but they’re not so I don’t see how this is relevant

CharmedCult · 08/03/2024 16:08

this isn’t something that can continue if we do decide to move in together.

Why not?

As long as he’s covering his share of everything, why can’t he continue to help out his son if he wants?

Why do you think you get to decide what your partner can and can’t do with his money?

Calculuses · 08/03/2024 16:10

It's not your business. Why do you think you're more entitled to his money than his son is, or that you know netter what he should do with his cash than he does?

Lots of parents help out adult children, if that's what he wants to do it's up to him. If it's going to be a problem for you, don't move in with him.

Calculuses · 08/03/2024 16:12

Perfect28 · 08/03/2024 15:59

I love all the replies here but of course if it was 'husband' and not 'partner' the replies would be different and everyone would tell you it's shared money.

But it's not, they don't even live together.

If you want to do a what if...how about parnter I don't even live with, although we might in the future, wants to tell me what I'm allowed to spend my money on?

Justcallmebebes · 08/03/2024 16:12

It's really none of your business as its his money to do with how he likes.

Even if you do move in together, as long as he can meet his financial obligations to your joint property, it's still none of your business how he supports his son

Lunabetty · 08/03/2024 16:13

YABU. It's not your business. It's his choice how he spends HIS money.

ohdamnitjanet · 08/03/2024 16:15

Perfect28 · 08/03/2024 15:59

I love all the replies here but of course if it was 'husband' and not 'partner' the replies would be different and everyone would tell you it's shared money.

But only if he was her son also.

Cronchy · 08/03/2024 16:15

Not your business. Not your money, he’s made it clear how he wants to spend his money, why do you think you get to decide and over rule him?

if him making those sorts of financial decisions don’t work for you that’s also completely fair. But you just have to tell him that and walk away. Neither of you are ‘wrong’ in what you think is best, you’re just not compatible.

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 08/03/2024 16:16

What age are you children OP?

ohthejoys21 · 08/03/2024 16:18

Perfect28 · 08/03/2024 15:59

I love all the replies here but of course if it was 'husband' and not 'partner' the replies would be different and everyone would tell you it's shared money.

But IS it shared money if you're married but only one person earns it? My dh is even more extreme than op's, with his adult dcs regularly asking for enormous handouts on top of him paying each of their rent for 18 months, car, car insurance and maintenance and phones.

He earns the money though, not me. Doesn't stop me feeling like the op in that of course they're his kids but they don't live within their means knowing they can go cap in hand to their dad at the end of the month?

None of my business? Maybe, but I don't like seeing them take the piss.

EG94 · 08/03/2024 16:19

I agree he is being bailed out and it’s not doing him any favours but you don’t live together, you aren’t married and you don’t share finances. For now, you are being unreasonable to ask him to stop but not unreasonable for thinking it.

if you lived together and shared finances etc and he was bailing on your joint responsibilities to bail his son out then you aren’t unreasonable.

I think you’re problem is you don’t want your life with your partner to be reduced I.e holidays, weekends away because he doesn’t have the money to do that due to bailing out his adult son. You are more than entitled to feel that way but perhaps rather than telling him what he can and can’t do explain why this spending concerns you and if he combats those concerns perhaps you’re worrying for nothing. If it transpires he doesn’t have money for your life together you have to ask if you really want this relationship. He’s being subsidising his son for 25 years it won’t be stopping.