Partners son taking advantage

[Vanmaker]

Hi I am annoyed that my partners adult son is taking advantage of him. Partner and I have been together for five years. We aren’t currently living together, however this is something that we will do in the future.

partner has a son who is 25. He works full time but seems to lurch from one financial crisis to another. He has a decent job, however I do accept that he has to pay rent in a fairly expensive part of the country.

on many occasions my partner will help him out financially. Sometimes it is for things like rents or bills. I also know that he has paid off debts for him in the past, however this isn’t something that my partner talk to me about a great deal as he knows that it annoys me.

hos son has no met a girl and they are looking to buy a house together. My partner had some money set aside to help him with a house deposit. I have no issue with this as that is something that I would do for my children too. I just think that after that it all needs to stop.

he even has his car finance in my partners name as he was unable to get the rate that he wanted.

My partner thinks I’m being unreasonable and that it is his money and that he is willing to help 80 sonic necessary. Was that may be true this isn’t something that can continue if we do decide to move in together.
my partner thinks I’m being unreasonable and that it is his money and that he is willing to help out so that necessary. Whilst that may be true this isn’t something that can continue if we do decide to move in together.
aibu?

It would really grate on me too.

Of course it’s your DP’s money and he can do whatever he likes with it, BUT for me the irritation would that his DS is entitled and spoilt, and that’s because he’s been brought up like that by your DP.

He’s 25 and he really should be standing on his own two feet unless it’s a one-off or very rare event because he’s absolutely desperate.

It's none of your business.

Do you have kids of your own? Do you expect to have to check with your boyfriend before you are allowed to lend them money?

If I were your partner I'd end my relationship with you. You don't share a house, or finances, and yet expect to be able to control what he does with his. That's off putting to me in a relationship.

Yabu. His son, his agenda, his business, his call.

YANBU if his son is an entitled leech.

That's what we do for our DC. We help them! Mind your own business

Proceed with caution about moving in together. Could you envisage a life of having to pay the lion's share of the bills while your DP continues bailing out an adult son that seems to be rather profligate with money?

His money, his choice. I doubt it will stop there.

I would not move in with such a mug.

It is his money, therefore, his choice. However, no way would I move in with him. This will be an ongoing concern for you. Stay in your own home. He can stay in his own home and spend his money as he wants. DO NOT get any kind of joint account with him. Keep all of your funds separate.

Don't move in with him. Or get pregnant with him.

I wouldn't help 80 sonic if you paid me!

You can choose not to like it and not want to move in with him because of it but you can't make him stop.
I will be giving money to my children when they are adults because I want to. I have my reasons and as long as I am able to I will do it. If a partner told me not to I would tell them it was none of their business. If you are married it's different as money is legally joint but "partner" means no legal tie financially.

But they don’t even live together? Or is it a thing now to have joint finances if you’re bf and gf?

Even if you move in with him, as long as he’s contributing his fair share towards bills, and able to also have enough money for treats/holidays, then it’s his money to do with as he pleases. I spend my money as I please and would go crazy if my dh started to dictate what I spend my money on.

YABU
Why are people so keen to change people they love? Either be with them as they are, or don't!

Even if/when you do live together, as long as he covers his share of everything it is none of your business whether he spends the rest of his money on his son.
He'd do him a bigger favour by teaching him to budget his money, but it's his choice! The only say you get is whether you want to be with him.

this isn’t something that can continue if we do decide to move in together.
why not?

Generally I would say that it's none of your business.

However!

If you have plans to move in together in the future then yes his financial position is concerning and something you need to know about. Can he contribute a fair share towards bills etc? Are you planning on purchasing and if so what amount are you both putting in? Will he expect you to put in more because he's always bailing out his son?

You need to be able to protect your assents and financial position as much as possible.

If he can afford to support a household with you and bail out his son then leave him be.

Yes let him know now so he can have an informed choice as to whether to live with you or not. I hope he chooses his freedom and continues to be generous to his son if that is his wish.

YABU . You don’t live together or share finances so he can help his DS however he sees fit.

To be honest I would dump a partner who tried to control how much I gave my child of my own income, particularly if I wasn't living with that partner anyway.

If I can, and they will let me, I will always help my adult dcs with my own money that I have earned. And that's no one's business but mine and theirs, and anyone who tried to stop me could get out of my life.

YABU