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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I hold any blame for the abuse I’ve suffered?

28 replies

Satonthesofa11 · 08/03/2024 12:29

I’m a bit confused. I’ve heard over and over that I am to blame for the way my husband treats me (mostly from him) but also from people around me and from reading into it.

My parents were ok, but they neglected me emotionally. I was a very sensitive child, it’s just how I was born and they didn’t raise me accepting me. I obviously have developed low self esteem and allowed my husband to abuse me.

Am I to blame for accepting this behaviour? All I hear from my husband is how can you talk back to me and tell me you don’t like the way I treat you when you accepted me in the beginning. Yes I did but it wasn’t this bad back then. I’m getting to a point where I want to leave but he is so intense all the time. I was also younger and I’ve grown up and fed up of always being to blame for everything.

We went on a holiday that he paid and I planned and booked etc. He didn’t like the size of the garden in the holiday home so I said you should have shown interest when I was looking for places but you weren’t interested. Now all I hear is it’s my money you’ve wasted etc etc. There really wasn’t anything wrong with the place.

Im causing my own miss treatment aren’t I by not standing up to him? But every-time I do it causes an argument and it’s always my fault in the end and we go round and
round in circles, him dragging up arguments from years ago or things I’ve apparently said years ago.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 08/03/2024 12:34

no, you are absolutely not responsible for his behaviour. If he feels money was wasted then he wasted the money

and if you want to leave him then by all means do it, he's an ass and he told you he has no intention of changing

LilacHare · 08/03/2024 12:38

He is a narcissist and will never see he is at fault! You standing up for yourself is something you should be proud of!

Naunet · 08/03/2024 12:43

It’s not your fault OP, some arseholes will always make excuses for abusive men, I’ve even heard it about my dad who abused me as a toddler, apparently it was my fault for wanting his attention 🙄 What you can do though, is put a stop to it by leaving him. I can imagine that feels like a huge thing to do if you’ve been with him since you were young, but you can, you’re strong, you’re resilient and imagine how proud of yourself you would feel to know that you had decided you deserve better, and then rescued yourself. Getting some therapy might also really help you, not just to leave him, but to learn how to be kinder to yourself. 💐

GinBooksChocs · 08/03/2024 12:43

Not your fault!

Perhaps you can take steps to take control of your life though?

Scaffoldingisugly · 08/03/2024 12:44

You are never too old to get divorced and start a new life op.

Summerhillsquare · 08/03/2024 12:45

I sincerely doubt you were born that way. Environment is all. When you are surrounded by decent open and relaxed people you will find you are immeasurably happier.

Original poster
Satonthesofa11 · 08/03/2024 12:49

I cant help but feel stupid and responsible for allowing him to get away with it for so long. I’m too sensitive and gullible and trusting and I suppose quite vulnerable back when I met him. He said it’s what drew me to him….no doubt because I’ve been a push over and too scared to speak up.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 08/03/2024 12:52

No.

Abuse is always the abuser's fault.

They don't want to feel bad about what they are doing so they shift the blame into you -

Look what you made me do!

But as you have discovered, it doesn't matter what you do, they don't stop.

Original poster
Satonthesofa11 · 08/03/2024 13:10

Is he relying on me to not be able stand up for myself?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 08/03/2024 13:15

Almost certainly.

But if you do stand up for yourself he will probably respond to try to stop you doing that. It might be deliberate or it might just be that he is insecure etc.

Either way it is not your fault.

Mysticguru · 08/03/2024 13:16

Having these realisations isn't a bad thing at all.

You were not aware of the abuse because subconsciously you normalised the behaviour.

Now you don't and you're making choices that are good for your mental health and wellbeing.

Good for you.

YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty · 08/03/2024 13:21

It's not your fault.

Yes, some people are nasty and will take advantage of the kindness of others. But no, it's not your fault that you didn't leave earlier. You should never have been put in this position in the first place.

PaintedEgg · 08/03/2024 13:21

Satonthesofa11 · 08/03/2024 12:49

I cant help but feel stupid and responsible for allowing him to get away with it for so long. I’m too sensitive and gullible and trusting and I suppose quite vulnerable back when I met him. He said it’s what drew me to him….no doubt because I’ve been a push over and too scared to speak up.

what a piece of... this guy is

but he is projecting hard - in fact, your good nature and vulnerability if what drew him to YOU

seriously, get rid of him

catherinemeg · 08/03/2024 13:28

No it's not your fault. He's the one with the problem.

Leave him. By staying you're giving him permission to abuse you and believe me he'll not change.
Speak to women's aid and they'll support you and can advise you on your rights. There's a big exciting world out there with many opportunities.
Believe in yourself and do not listen to the voices in your brain telling you that you're useless, stupid whatever. It is not true. Those voices are not your voices they've been planted there by people who are so insecure, nascaristic or just mean to validate their own sad existences. Don't waste any more time or effort on him. Learn to love and belive in yourself.

Original poster
Satonthesofa11 · 08/03/2024 13:33

I can’t help being sensitive. I dislike shouting and tend to back down to make it stop, it’s not helped me.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 08/03/2024 13:34

Very few people like being shouted at.

It's not your fault.

Newtrix · 08/03/2024 13:39

Your post made me really sad, its absolutely not your fault, none of it. No matter what anyone says you should be allowed to be yourself without being bullied for it. I hope you realise how strong you are and that you find the courage to walk away and have the life you deserve.

citrinetrilogy · 08/03/2024 14:24

Satonthesofa11 · 08/03/2024 12:49

I cant help but feel stupid and responsible for allowing him to get away with it for so long. I’m too sensitive and gullible and trusting and I suppose quite vulnerable back when I met him. He said it’s what drew me to him….no doubt because I’ve been a push over and too scared to speak up.

Your sensitivity, vulnerability and trusting nature, and your childhood experiences, are what drew him to you. Because he thought he could dominate and manipulate you, and get away with it.

You are his victim and none of it is your fault.

blacksax · 08/03/2024 14:27

If a sensitive child was being bullied, would you blame the child for allowing the bully to treat them like that, or would you blame the bully for targeting someone vulnerable who was afraid to stand up to them?

Trulyme · 08/03/2024 14:39

What’s the point of this relationship?

Are either of you even remotely happy?

You are your own person and your life shouldn’t revolve around DH or the constant arguments.

BallaiLuimni · 08/03/2024 14:43

I think you're asking the wrong question (though I understand why). You're not to blame for his behaviour - he behaves the way he behaves because that's who he is. There is definitely a dynamic between you that you contribute to, but even so you can't force him to behave in a certain way, that's his personality, his choice. In practical terms staying with him does allow him to continue -the only way to stop that is to leave. Standing up to him is pointless - he isn't going at you because he has a legitimate gripe, he's doing it because he's a miserable arsewipe.

Comtesse · 08/03/2024 17:18

You are not to blame for his behaviour. He is the one making that choice again and again.

SoleTrader · 08/03/2024 17:41

Google Repetition compulsion
“The subconscious will pick a partner who feels like home. If home wasn’t pleasant, neither are they."

ChristmasFluff · 08/03/2024 18:22

OP, I didn't back down and I stood up for myself. Every time.

So he beat shit out of me for 6 years - and those beatings got more regular and more severe with every passing week.

They do whatever it takes to control you.

There is only one way to stop an abuser abusing you, and that is to end the relationship. Do whatever it takes - speak to Women's Aid, speak to the Police - ask for the officer who deals with domestic abuse.

catherinemeg · 08/03/2024 18:58

Phone women's aid ASAP. They are amazing and they will be able to help you so much. You deserve so much better.
I'm from a similar background and it wasn't easy leaving but looking back it was one of the best things I have ever done.
My ex had the biggest shock of his life when I left. He was in a state of disbelief for months and kept making statements to me like I'll forgive you for leaving, you'll never manage on your own we'll give it another six months. I found a great joy in telling him to F* off. My life was so much happier without him.
Google cycle of abuse. I'm sure you'll find so much relatable advice there.
Please stop blaming yourself.