Dating multiple people online dating?

[Lalalouloulala]

Hi everyone.

So how long would you find it ‘acceptable’ to date multiple people when OLD?
I’ve been on a few dates with a guy, and I’m not sure if he’s dating anyone else.
it’s going well, every date has been lovely so I hope we see each other again. If we do, I want to ask if he’s dating others.
I’m not, as it’s just something that doesn’t sit right with me but I know not everyone is the same!

I guess I just ask him outright.. if he is, how many dates in until he commits to just dating me? In your own opinions?

For me, tbh it shouldn’t be more than 3/4 dates.. as surely if you aren’t sure on someone by then it probably gives you the answer? But that’s my opinion and I’m new to all of this and have traditional values.
just wanted others thoughts from experience I guess?!

I also don’t want to ask him and put any unnecessary pressure on us getting to know each other but I can’t sit back and say nothing as surely it comes across like perhaps I don’t really care if he’s dating others?

I dated one guy before OLD who actually clarified with me maybe 4 dates in that he’s enjoying where it’s going and just wanted to tell me he hasn’t been dating others and is it the same for me.. so I know it’s not a bad thing to have that conversation! Just how/when to go about it I suppose.

He probably has been dating others and that’s absolutely fine. And you should be too. It’s a fatal error to put all your eggs in one basket, no matter how much you like them. Until you have had a conversation about being exclusive you need to take it for granted that you’re not.

@PieAndLattes I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it :)
I just wondered when it gets to a point where you think ‘right why am I still dating numerous people’
honestly, I tried to go on another date whilst talking to this guy. It just made me feel weird.

if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I’m not searching for someone to fill a void. If I come across someone I have a connection with, great! Then I’ll see how it goes. But I’m not actively searching and comparing connections. I know the modern advice is you should, and maybe I will try again but I don’t fully understand why if I’m honest!

It's not putting all your eggs in one basket, it's taking time and space to get to know someone, which is what we used to think of as common courtesy.

Ask him OP, remember your actions after his response are in your control. If you don't like it, you don't have to carry on.

I don't think there is a set number of dates. But I wouldn't have sex with someone if I thought they were still dating other people. I'd have the conversation before sex.

@Summerhillsquare thank you! Everyone says to me ‘it’s so soon, you need other options in case it doesn’t work’ why do I?
I genuinely enjoy his company, and what I know so far.. which is why it doesn’t sit right if I’m then sitting opposite another man finding out about him, comparing etc..
and as most guys want to pay for the date. It might not mean much to them, but to me I appreciate it, appreciate the thought behind planning a date etc.. so why would I be doing the same with multiple people. I want to allow the time and space to genuinely get to know one person. It either goes somewhere, or it doesn’t!

I’ll have to ask him though, as I’d like to know. And you are absolutely right, we all have our own boundaries!

thanks for your comment.

There's no answer anybody can give you to this except their opinion, which isn't relevant to your situation. The only opinion that matters here is yours, and you have to choose someone who fits your preferences.
In your shoes, I'd be asking myself why I cared what other people think/feel regarding this. It's like asking us if you should like broccoli or not.

I think so long as nobody is sleeping with anyone it's fine to see as many people as you like.

@Watchkeys
no one’s opinion is going to impact how I feel deep down. It’s just good to hear others opinions as I don’t have much experience with dating.
understanding and hearing others is a way of learning and growing as people. I’m not looking for answers, I’m looking for experiences/opinions of others as I’m interested.

I’m old school about dating so multi dating is a big no for me but that’s my personal choice not applicable to anyone else.

Personally I would ask him straight out and let him know your preference. His reaction will help you make a decision.

My opinion is a relationship where you can't have an open and honest conversation is doomed. So, have a chat with him, see how he reacts. If he says he's seeing other people, tell him you'd like things to be exclusive now. See how he reacts.

If he's a good person, whatever his response is to the first question, he will have a calm and respectful chat and you will both come to an agreement you're happy with.

@Insidelaurashead this is great advice, thank you!
I will 100% be having a conversation with him about it if we see each other again and absolutely his response will say a lot.

what will be will be!

Recently I had been dating one guy and we'd had around 4 dates when I met guy 2. For various reasons I saw guy 2 more but still had one or 2 dates with guy 1 before I plumped for guy 2. I did that when I was about to have sex with guy 2 (didn't have sex with guy 1).

Weeks later, guy 2 was really upset to find I'd been dating guy 1 while I was seeing him. But his friends told him that he was being ridiculous.

Anyway, the test for me was that I won't have sex with anyone before I have the talk about whether they're dating others. And I won't continue dating more than one person at the stage where it seems to me dishonest to be doing that

I find it odd that it’s acceptable to date multiple people as before online dating if someone asked you out on a date and then a few more dates you wouldn’t still be dating other people at the same time. Well I wouldn’t and I know none of my friends did. Only if it was a FWB situation. I don’t know why it’s suddenly become ok to do that.

I agree. It’s a very recent thing and seems to be related to OLD becoming more common.

Im in my 50’s and anyone dating more than person in my day would be very much considered cheating. Though I did get shouted down on here and told that’s never been the case and multidating been the norm since the beginning of time.

Why do you think how much experience you have is relevant to anything? You're not applying for a job. If someone doesn't make you go 'wooohoo!', you walk away. In what way would experience affect that?

This is exactly what I meant with my first comment. If it won't affect how you feel or what you do, then why are you relating it to your current experience? It's not about that... is it?

@Zanatdy this is exactly my thoughts! It just feels so wrong to even consider it imo.
I know everyone has their own opinion, and tbh I can understand maybe people going on a few ‘first dates’ with a few people, but second and third and onwards I just think well you obviously are enjoying getting to know this person.. so what is the need for keeping so many options open? It’s like we’ve become accustomed to degrading our worth in this modern dating way.

me personally, if I went on a first and second date with someone for me to consider dating a whole new complete stranger there would be have to be something missing or something really intriguing about dating a new person enough to feel like I’m taking steps back with person one.

each to their own I guess! I guess some people just enjoying meeting numerous personalities and figuring out what it is they like? Who knows!

like a few of these comments it seems some women are waiting to have sex until they confirm they aren’t dating others. I wonder if guys work the same? As seems there is a more emotional connection when it comes to sex, than there is for men. (No judgement)

@Watchkeys valid point and understand your opinion completely.
this guy does tick so many boxes, in fact the whole ‘is it too good to be true’ but I’m just going with the flow.

i guess my concern is I can wear my heart on my sleeve, im traditional in my values and hope he is the same. But understand that everyone has different views and opinions so it’s what is worth compromising on in the early stages of dating I suppose. Which, if I had it my way. He wouldn’t be dating others at all but I understand that people do. So I know my thoughts, and how I would act, and people’s opinions won’t change my actions. However people’s opinions may open my eyes to understanding people’s views on dating others at the same time, and why people wait to commit to dating one person that’s all.

It is just a question. Just do it. He may be in the same page as you. I honestly think that with four dates you know if you want to carry on or not.

I’m married so am not and have never been part of the online dating world, but quite a few of mine & DH’s friends are and we’ve been chatting about this recently! 2 of them worked on a 3 date rule, they wouldn’t go on a 4th date unless they were going to be “exclusive”, a few of our other friends said it depends on the situation because they said sometimes there is someone they are enjoying dating but don’t see themselves marrying, so they are more “having fun together for now” and so that could exceed 3 dates but wouldn’t be exclusive, if asked on a date by someone else they would still go. So I think it totally depends on the person, if it’s something that is a deal breaker for you I would definitely have the chat though x

what is worth compromising on in the early stages of dating I suppose

Nothing. If you have needs/wants that aren't being met in the early stages, why on earth would you keep seeing someone? Again, this is exactly the point. Unless you want a relationship where you have to compromise, don't accept a relationship where you have to compromise. You might have needs that are totally different from anybody else's, so nobody else's opinion should influence you. What you're trying to do is work out what 'normal' is, in order that you can work out how highly to prioritise your own needs, and that's a dangerous path. You prioritise your needs according to the fact that they are an expression of your personality, so if you prioritise them below his preferences, you are essentially saying that he should get what he wants, at the expense of you getting what you want. Work out what you want. You want him not to be dating others? That's fine. Then, ask him how he feels about the situation. If his answer makes you go 'woohoo!', then stick with him. If not, drop him. And it's the same with anything: decide what you want, ask him/your date how they feel about it, and if you get a 'woohoo!', stay. Even if you only want to date people who own a pair of red trousers, or people who hate custard. Don't judge your need, judge how well the other person fits you.

But it's different now. In the olden days you had met someone - whether it was in a pub or a bar or a club or was a friend of a friend or whatever. Now the people you meet on the internet are complete strangers - you know nothing about them, and you can't make a decision on one date. Yes, most people don't pass the first date test, but some do, and you need more dates to decide whether you like them.

You also need to multi date to protect yourself. If you decide one man is the one for you, you aren't protecting yourself against him ghosting you, or you finding out things about him in date 3,4 and 5 that you don't like, and you need several dates to check out red flags. It's much easier to date online if you don't get invested in the first few dates. It's much easier to remain resilient and upbeat and not get hurt.

You don't know what it's like until you do online dating! But really deciding after one date that you want to be exclusive with someone is just too soon. You need several irons in the fire.

Yes, this always used to be the way. You were either going out with someone or two-timing.

You also need to multi date to protect yourself

No. You need healthy boundaries. Otherwise you're saying that we need another person in order to be 'protected'.

There's a lot of unhealthy attitudes here, OP. Be careful what advice you take.

But really deciding after one date that you want to be exclusive with someone is just too soon

No. Many happy couples have been exclusive from their first date. Have they all cocked it up? How?

@Watchkeys
thank you, again appreciate your opinion and response and it’s absolutely valid.
however, me saying compromise early on I don’t mean
‘oh well you want to date others, I don’t want you too but apparently that’s normal so I’ll deal with it’ absolutely not..
if he said he has no interest in stopping dates with others, that would be a huge red flag.

however, say if his opinion is ‘I like to at least give it a couple of months until I reflect on what I want’ whether that be due to personal insecurities, past heart break, etc who knows.. I’m just trying to be open minded that’s all. Rather than shutting someone down just because I don’t date numerous people. Plus, I don’t know his situation anyway!

at the end of the day, if I were to be in any situation that made me feel crap, or like it didn’t sit right by me I would leave the situation. However, this is just me trying to be a little open minded based on how others minds work.

your point is valid by saying if it doesn’t fit what I want, don’t do it. However there are compromises to any healthy relationship. No one is going to meet my needs 100% but it’s about what people are comfortable compromising on, if at all. Like some people might want to go on 2 dates a week, others may be twice a month. If you both have a great connection and tick loads of boxes, but can come to a compromise that you’ll meet half way.. it’s worth considering imo. However, if someone wanted to date and sleep with numerous women, and had no intention of stopping, that’s not what suits me and I wouldn’t be willing to compromise so I wouldn’t.
im not saying I’m going to change, or try change him, but it’s about understanding people are different and have different needs.. feel like I’m going round in circles lol.

just trying to be open minded is all!