Dating multiple people online dating?

[Lalalouloulala]

Hi everyone.

So how long would you find it ‘acceptable’ to date multiple people when OLD?
I’ve been on a few dates with a guy, and I’m not sure if he’s dating anyone else.
it’s going well, every date has been lovely so I hope we see each other again. If we do, I want to ask if he’s dating others.
I’m not, as it’s just something that doesn’t sit right with me but I know not everyone is the same!

I guess I just ask him outright.. if he is, how many dates in until he commits to just dating me? In your own opinions?

For me, tbh it shouldn’t be more than 3/4 dates.. as surely if you aren’t sure on someone by then it probably gives you the answer? But that’s my opinion and I’m new to all of this and have traditional values.
just wanted others thoughts from experience I guess?!

I also don’t want to ask him and put any unnecessary pressure on us getting to know each other but I can’t sit back and say nothing as surely it comes across like perhaps I don’t really care if he’s dating others?

I dated one guy before OLD who actually clarified with me maybe 4 dates in that he’s enjoying where it’s going and just wanted to tell me he hasn’t been dating others and is it the same for me.. so I know it’s not a bad thing to have that conversation! Just how/when to go about it I suppose.

Well I was dating in the 1980s, and me and my friends definitely multi-dated! We'd have conversations abut who was 'on the back-burner' and who was the preferred 'dish of the day'!

But yes, exclusive before sex.

I've never multi dated, I'm lucky if I find one decent option to date and I know from the first date whether I want to see them again, if the feelings mutual then I have no reservations about bringing up the topic of exclusivity after a 3-4 dates, it's no guarantee of it becoming long term, but if they get cagey about it, then I won't bother at all.
I just wouldn't be able to fancy and concentrate on more than one at a time but everyone is different, stick to what works best for you.

Can you not just start a general casual chit chat about dating experiences so far? An opportunity to share any funny anecdotes or negative experiences, etc. I’ve then found that the conversation regarding other matches and exclusivity flows quite naturally from there.

I agree. I don’t know how people find enough options to multi date. I barely find anyone I want to meet up with let alone have several on the go 🤣

Keeping your options open and varied helps to prevent you from getting too fixated on one person and falling for a sunk costs fallacy.

If you are just dating the one person, you’re more likely to ignore or turn a blind eye to red flags or slight misgivings than when you have other people to compare and contrast against.

However there are compromises to any healthy relationship

Yes. But not within the first few dates. If you have to start compromising your preferences that early, I'm at a loss as to why he'd still be attractive to you. 'He's been at it with 3 other people the whole time we've been dating' would make me sick. I'm not saying it's wrong (because there is no 'wrong' except 'illegal') but it sounds like it's not your preference either. But hey, if you don't mind, and you're fine to compromise, that's your gubbins. Your boundaries don't sound great to me, and I think that by being willing to compromise so early, you're making yourself vulnerable, and also by asking others about this, you are revealing your vulnerability. If you can see past a defensive response to that, you might be able to build your boundaries to a more healthy level. Good luck.

But it doesn’t mean you have to date multiple people at once - either way you didn’t know much about the person whether you met online or in a pub - you didn’t date others if you met someone else in the pub the following night.

You don't have to, no. But it's sensible to.

And the first date of meeting an OLD is the same as the night in the pub. It's date zero. You know nothing about them on date 1,2 or 3. You are spreading the risk. and by trying to remain uninvested (which multiple dating helps with), you are protecting yourself. Yes the OP of this thread could have met someone amazing, but the majority of men you meet online are not at all amazing.

@HelenHywater

If someone can't remain uninvested without having other people to date, they're too messed up to be able to date in a healthy way. Remaining uninvested is something you decide to do, and then do it by having healthy boundaries. Nobody else is involved.

And yes of course you can use other methods to remain uninvested - like seeing your friends, keeping strong boundaries and all of that, but dating more than one person (and I'm only talking 1 or 2 dates overlapping, nothing major at all) helps with this and also gives you more time to make an informed decision. And also increases your chances of meeting someone in the haystack that is online dating.

If you don't feel comfortable about multi dating then don't do that. Just make sure you don't let your feelings cloud your judgement. Truly get to know the person and see him for who he really is before letting yourself to start investing and letting your feelings in. And definitely have a chat with him where you ask if he is dating other women at the same time.

I online dated several years before meeting my DH online. Towards the end I was multi dating as I had noticed that I might find someone interesting during 1st or 2nd or even 3rd date but then loose interest completely. When I met my now DH face to face, we had a great date and I recognised things that made him different to the others but I still didn't let myself think 'oh this is now the man I have been looking for'. I kept online dating and meeting few men on weekdays while I met DH on weekends and then naturally I dropped all other men when DH kept being consistent and showing me those traits and qualities I was looking for and treating me the way I was looking to be treated by a man and my feelings for him grew.

@HelenHywater

Other people are not the way to maintain your own boundaries. The way to have good boundaries is to have strong self validation rather than relying on getting your validation from others, which leads to needing a selection of others to choose from. If you think it's a good idea to use others to help you maintain your own personal boundaries, we'll have to agree to disagree. I think that's really unhealthy, and likely to lead to short, intense relationships with unpleasant and unexpected endings.

I dropped all other men when DH kept being consistent and showing me those traits and qualities I was looking for and treating me the way I was looking to be treated by a man and my feelings for him grew

This is the thing. A person needs to give no reason, for a long period, that your values don't match, in order that you can continue dating them without compromising yourself. Eventually, nobody else compares, and then you know. But you don't decide to start compromising before you've even got to know them, not if you want to be with someone who fits you. Compromise in healthy relationships is agreeing to load the dishwasher the way your partner prefers, because it's important to them, and you have the capacity to concede your preference. It's not deciding that he can do what you would regard as 'sleeping around' because he thinks it's ok.

@Lalalouloulala any update? Have you managed to have the discussion with him yet? I've just seen this thread and I am going through the exact same thing! I'm going to have a conversation with the man I've been dating this weekend as I am similar to you, I'm only dating him & feel uncomfortable dating anyone else. For me if I am focusing on one person, I cant focus properly on another, it's hard to explain but the reason I also could never cheat! Anyway please give us an update , I'm trying to think the best way to word what I will be saying without feeling needy! Also like you my friends say I should definitely be multi dating

For me it’s also that I wouldn’t want sleep with more than one person at once or sleep with someone who is sleeping with others. Tbh even more than one or two snogs and I’d like it to just be one person. Early coffee date - fine.

@User364837 I completely agree with you on that. I find it horrible to think they could be sleeping with someone else as well as me! However when I've spoken to friends about this they have said I have to be careful as not to come across as needy. The thing is , I'm the opposite of needy, he chased me , I have my own life, friends, family etc . If he says he is sleeping or dating others I can decide to walk away if I like & meet someone else, I just feel like I need clarity

It’s not an unreasonable stance to take at all and I think you’d be surprised that plenty of men feel the same too. But then I get turned off by the ‘players’ and very experienced online daters and tend to be attracted to people with a bit of humility and slight nerdiness about them. The last person I met on bumble is a young(ish) widower who had been with his wife for 19 yrs and had been on bumble one day when we started chatting then met up a week later. He had no clue what the ‘rules’ and when I ‘set my stall out’ (as he called it 😆) and clarified I might go on other dates but didn’t want to sleep with more than one person at once he was totally on the same page. And it continues to go well.

Me too. Once we started having sex I'd want exclusivity

I think a lot of men are happy to multi date just because they hope it'll end in sex. Plus less time to prepare and get ready.

@tryingtohelp82 what do you mean less time to prepare & get ready?

I see it from both sides here. I assume OP is new to OLD and things seem to be going well. Once you have a bad experience you do learn the game for your own good to keep your options open. So no not to necessarily actively seek a new person but if someone else asked you on a date yes I would do it because that is how OLD works. It's time consuming and men are the pursuers not the woman.... men often are talking to more than one lady at once.

Interesting reading the opinions on OLD. For me, the OLD 'first date' is nothing more than an introduction. Pre-OLD you'd meet someone in person and then decide to go on a date. With OLD, you don't have the luxury of the in-person connection before going on a date.

Just generally I mean. They can have shower and shave and put clothes on and ladies (not all!) generally put more effort in. That effort and the lesser need to have sex with a randomer means I couldn't be arsed to multi date. Couldn't be arsed with it mentally either, getting to know several people at once

@tryingtohelp82 ah yes I get what you mean ... it definitely is so much more effort for women! Half the time I cant be arsed myself