After an argument with DP this evening, I’d really appreciate the views of others.
Over the last 15 years, virtually every occasion that I’ve met DP’s younger brother there has been some remark (or more frequently, multiple remarks) made by him that has offended me and I have got to the stage where I have no desire to spend any time in his company because I feel like I’m constantly being goaded, my character assassinated, or I’m the butt of jokes.
DP is aware of this and has spoken to his brother on at least 2 occasions after I complained to him about how I felt, but it seems to have had little effect. DP is also of the belief that his brother displays some autistic traits and his interactions with me are his way of “bantering” with no intent to offend. Whether or not that is an accurate assessment, I dislike the encounters, get stressed by the prospect of them, and am constantly on my guard about not telling him to fuck off as I would with anyone else who behaved in this way with me. Indeed, if it were anyone else, I simply would have avoided any further contact after an unacceptable line had been crossed.
However, since he’s “family” I have been more circumspect for DP’s sake, make meals when he visits and am polite as I would be for any other visiting acquaintance - but, for those that know me well, I’m very offhand and grey rock in any conversation. This may make him worse, I don’t know.
We live some distance apart so visits are only a few times a year at most but his brother has been pushing an invite to DP to visit his house for the last year. Because of the distance, it has to be an overnight trip as a minimum. I simply don’t want to go and have told DP this but he believes I should “suck it up because that’s what families do” - but I have no family I’m asking him to do this with and my friends are not rude to DP when they visit. I’ve told DP to go on his own but he thinks that would be rude and he also says he thinks I would be annoyed if he did this (I wouldn’t if it meant I didn’t have to go too). Staying elsewhere is also not an option. So we argued.
If relevant, we are all in our late forties.
Am I being unfair to DP by refusing to go? I can just about tolerate it if his brother comes to our house as there is always something else I can be doing to minimise the amount of time I spend with him although, I admit, there is always a “must we?” conversation when I’m told he is planning to visit us. If you have been in this situation, how have you managed it?