How do you not over react

[Questionsquestions23]

My husband and I have had a tough time. I’ve feel anxious round him quite a lot. He’s never been physically violent. When he gets in a bad mood he can mutter things shake his head not make eye contact etc. I don’t cope with it well even if I’m not the one he’s in a bad mood with, but my heart races, and I feel scared. Does anyone else have this. How do I not let his bad mood overwhelm me. I try and stay out his way and then I’ll look for reassurance from him which makes no sense. I know the breathing exercises etc but it just feels overwhelming and then he gets in a bad mood with me for walking on eggshells etc it’s a horrible cycle

This really doesn't sound good OP. You absolutely shouldn't have to feel like this in your own home, with your partner. Is he open to talking about it when he's calm?

Oh, OP. This paints an appalling picture of a woman being afraid of her husband. I’d say your responses were telling you something important. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? If you have a child, is this what would would want for them?

Walk out of the room
Give him some space

Could his behaviour be triggering something from your childhood? What were your parents like?

I’ve tried talking about it and he says “I’ve never got you and never would” so then my reactions feel so daft. But the black looks really get to me. And then I stay out the way or go to him and try and hug him but I’m all stiff and awkward.

What's good about him?

Why? We all cope with stress / being in a bad mood differently, if his is shaking his head and not making eye contact I really don't see the issue.

If he was violent, fair enough but this seems entirely like an OP issue, not a husband issue.

This is a kind of abuse that may not be physical but is just as bad! I put up with a man like this for 25 years and as he got older he got worse! It was very hard to finally walk away but that is the only way that I got me back!

my childhood was fine my mum scared me a bit at times. Nothing terrible though. Sometimes his moods last days and then he’ll be lovely again. But I’m just tired. It’s been so bad recently.

I have struggled with this also a lot in my life but it has resolved after therapy and lots of reflection which also includes sitting in the discomfort and watching as it subsides..

On a separate note, some of these sayings! 'a black look??', not a comment I'm directing at you at all but as a black person these statements don't half give me a funny feeling sometimes..

I think you’d really benefit from seeking some therapy OP to try and find out why it is that you respond this way. It’s really not uncommon or abnormal for us to shake our heads, mutter etc when we’re in a bad mood or frustrated about something, that’s something you will encounter in most coffee shops on a busy Saturday morning. You may find it helpful to try and work out why you respond in this way and perhaps learn some coping mechanisms for that.

Well it sounds to me like the behaviour is threatening. If it was just 'coping with stress' why would OP be having fight or flight reactions to it. She's the one in the situation so I'm taking her impression of the behaviour as read. He gives black looks and mutters, it sounds intimidating.

I could be wrong of course, I'm not there, but either way surely as her partner he shouldn't want to continue to make her feel scared and uncomfortable.

Are you scared that he will be violent? Has something changed recently to make his tempers worse?

If you feel this anxious with other people and in other situations, then you should speak to a professional for yourself.

If you are only like this with your husband, then you need to look long and hard at your relationship.

I didn’t realise my STBXH was a verbal bully for many years. But I had the same feelings you did. There was no physical violence, but unbendingly feeling judged and coming up wanting. I finally realised he did not see me as his equal, but an annoying inconvenience getting in the way of him living his best life.

I sought therapy, it opened my eyes to the years of abuse.

No I’m not thinking he’s going to be violent but when he blows it’s really scary. I’ve told him this and he says it’s just words he say he used to sometimes put the black moods on just to scare me …. Because he knew he could.

But how do I not react what do other people do -

Get therapy.

He sounds like a prick, OP, if he enjoys frightening you.

Him trying to scare you is awful. If he has a problem he should be able to argue with you as an equal rather than trying to make you scared of him so that you do what he wants. Just from that comment I think this is a problem with him rather than with you, but if you want to know how to not react then I can only say remember your worth as a person, it doesn't matter if he is annoyed with you, that is his problem. Talk about things if there is an issue but if he is just in a black mood then try to get on with your business, maybe be a bit nice/sensitive around him but I would imagine he will seek you out if he wants to talk. My mum used to have moods like that, and nothing I said/did was going to snap her out of it, you have to let it pass.

he say he used to sometimes put the black moods on just to scare me …. Because he knew he could.

Read this again, what do you think is going on here? Is this your fault? It's not your job to not react to what people do. It's your job to listen to your reaction, because it's telling you something.

Have a look at The Freedom Programme.

It's not an OP problem and it's not a husband problem.
It's a shared problem that lies with both of you.

He's allowed to have bad moods, but they have to remain reasonable. You shouldn't have to worry that his bad moods last for days or that he'll go off at you, give you angry looks etc. He can have a bad mood, he can't take it out on you.
You need to learn to cope better with his emotions. Whenever he has any emotions, you're making yourself a victim of them, rather than trying to keep your own calm and helping him. How are you validating his emotions? But you're expecting him to validate and understand how you feel when he's in a mood.

Honestly, you're both not being the best you can be in this relationship.

i know I don’t deal with it well which then makes it worse- I think I’ve lost perspective of what normal is.

This is totally understandable, if you check out The Freedom Programme you might feel less alone, and realise that how you're feeling is normal in the circumstances you are in.

Someone has been deliberately trying to scare you, and you feel scared. It makes sense.

ive lost my self to being a different person to try and stop the moods. I don’t have a life really I don’t ever and never have chosen the music to play or the tele to watch encase he dosnt like it. I don’t go out and never have in the evening with out him as I know that would put him in a mood. Just one wrong look and I completely crumble and panic even though he say I don’t need to. When I’m feeling rational I know I’m rediculous. I know I shouldn’t be like this but I am. Just in this constant or nearly constant state of panic. Unless he’s happy then I feel ok. But we’ve had big issues where I’ve made him really unhappy where I’ve said about the past and things that upset me and now he’s not happy at all and I’m a mess.

And I should also add I know that my responses arnt fair on him as no one should be responsible for someone else’s happiness that’s got to come from with in so I know that I’m not fair but I feel so anxious when he’s in a bad mood and I don’t know what to do about it